How to go from SAHM to WAHM: Part 3

Part 1:  Getting READY to Get Started
Part 2:  Finding the Time

Today:  What is a Wellness Business?  (And BTW, you are totally Awesome!)

It has been an amazing discovery for me that many of the people online whose advice I pay for or whose products I buy are NOT trained professionals with degrees and other credentials.  I have bought e-books and mp3 files from parenting coaches who never went to university, simply because I liked what they had to say.  I have bought natural wellness products on the advice of non-medically trained practioners, simply because I trusted them.  I have paid for phone coaching and in-person coaching with women who were intuitively able to bring me to my deepest understanding of myself, and they were not psychologists or psychiatrists or even trained therapists.

The point is:  Some people have amazing innate skills and talents that they are able to share with others and they make a living doing so.  And the even BIGGER point is:  So can I and so can you.

Did you know that the biggest THING you have to sell is your own experience?  This is what a Wellness Business is all about.  You take your experience with a product or a process that has enriched or transformed your life and you teach it to other people in exchange for money.  There are thousands and thousands of people making hundreds of thousands of dollars who do just that.

They are not better than you or me.
They are not smarter than you or me.
They are not more deserving than you or me.
They are not luckier than you or me.

They just figured out what they needed to do to market their messages and they had the courage to GO FOR IT.

I have a message, and I've discovered that there are parents who want to hear it and who will pay for my help.  My message is that children are wired to learn and they require very little outside influence to learn all that they need to in order to live a fulfilling life and become mature adults.  I teach parents how to create a family culture in which children can thrive as they learn.  I help them to stop fighting with their kids about school and to stop fighting with the school about their kids.  I teach them to rethink everything they thought was good about schools and to instead focus on what is good for their child.  I offer solutions to the social, emotional, academic and behaviour problems that their child might be exhibiting at school so that the child can learn in freedom and joy.

I bet you have a message, too.  Maybe you've been through a divorce that brought you to your knees but you found courage and consciousness on the other side and you could teach other women how to be empowered.  Maybe you are really good at recycling and re-purposing things that other people would put in the garbage and you can teach how to live in a more sustainable, affordable way.  Maybe you are the mother of a special-needs child and you know how to teach other mothers how to practice self-care so that they don't become burnt out.  Maybe you're a child abuse survivor and you know how to unload all that baggage and love your own kids unconditionally.

I read so many blogs that make me think, "Wow.  You have an awesome message.  You could totally be making money here!"  And I know that lots of mom-bloggers believe that there is something cathartic and healing and unselfish about offering their experiences and wisdom for free.  But I think that you gain credibility and confidence when you earn money for what you offer. There is no prize for earning LESS than your potential.  Poverty is not morally superior to wealth.  Money is completely amoral;  it is just a tool we use for the fulfilment of our life's purpose.  Because you know, it's really hard to live up to your full potential when all you can think about is your very meagre budget.

If you are in a situation where you want to stop worrying about money and start earning money, I want to hear from you.  Because I already know that you are worthy and important and totally awesome.  And I already know that there has never been a better time to bring YOUR message of healing to the world.

Next post:  How Clarity comes from Creation

How to go from SAHM to WAHM: Part 2

Today I'm going to answer that crazy, crazy question:  How does she do it all?


Well, I don't.

Last fall when I decided to enrol in a business course, I was really nervous that I couldn't handle adding anything new to my list of daily activities and responsibilities. The training is offered through live teleconferences and webinars and they are at times when I am generally home alone with my 4 children, so I wasn't sure how that would work.  Also, it seemed prudent to actually start to DO the tasks we were taught about, since talking about making money is one thing, but actually doing things that produce an income is quite another!

As it turned out, the training calls are recorded, so I download them to my iPod and listen to them at night before I fall asleep.  Sometimes it takes me 5 nights to listen to a 90-minute training, but I love that I can go back and listen as often as I want.  Many of the trainings involve coaching in Belief Breakthrough, so I am often repeating the words of the meditations as I lie in bed with my sleeping babes around me.

Getting started on product creation was actually been really easy to find time for.  You see, when you find something you love to do then it doesn't feel like work.  In other words, we easily make time for our priorities.  Like most people, I had never really thought about the possibility of getting paid for something that I love to do, so it has been a most pleasant experience to discover all the different ways that I can use my skills and knowledge and experience to make money.

Finding time is really all about changing the way you think:  If you believe that you never have enough time, you won't have enough time.  Instead, if you change your thoughts to a belief that you always have time for everything that you love to do, you will find the time.  It seems so simple, and it really works.

In the fall, I hired Partner-Guy's teenage niece to come over for 5 consecutive Saturdays so that I could participate in a live training call.  She folded the laundry and cleaned up the kitchen and played with the kids.  I loved the help, and I highly recommend finding a way to get involved in some LIVE training and coaching if you possibly can.  Since Christmas, I've arranged for Partner-Guy to take the kids out every Saturday for a few hours so that I can focus on product creation.  I also occasionally do my work when all the children are asleep at night.

So I haven't had to take much time away from my family at all.  In fact, I consider it to be a GIFT to my children that they are getting more time with their dad than they would if I were not trying to start a business.

But my family is YOUNG, and Julian is still nursing about 12 times/day and even the older children are not interested in being sent here and there on a regular basis so that Mommy can sit at the computer.  And I get that.  It really is a balance and I'm not one to put my agenda ahead of my children's needs.

If you come to my home you will see that my floors are not clean enough to eat off of (although that doesn't always stop us!) and there are probably toys and books all over.  But the kids are always fed and happy and doing their own thing.  I pick up toys and books just once per day (at bedtime) and I cook just one hot meal per day.  We eat homemade bread and fruit and raw vegetables for our other meals and snacks.  I admit that there has been some complaining from my older daughters about the lack of food selection, but they are not malnourished by any stretch, and they are even learning to make some food for themselves.  (Last week my 7.5 yo made muffins all by herself and even put them in the oven!)

Here are my suggestions for finding time for a new business when you are home with young children:

1. Let go of any schedules.  Be flexible and never worry about not finishing something that you are working on.  Whenever you put your children ahead of your 'work' you will be rewarded with peace and freedom.
2. Realize that change happens.  You can't add 30 hours of business-related work to your life every week and still meet all your old obligations.  This is a great time to EDIT things from your life that don't bring freedom and joy to your life or to your family.
3. Lower your standards.  (My mom is probably laughing about this--like, how much lower can MY standards get??!!)  But seriously, do you HAVE to vacuum every day or clean the bathroom every week?  I don't.  And we survive.
4. Rejoice and be glad!!  Life is AWESOME and you are exactly where you need to be and you are worthy and enough RIGHT NOW.  Embrace every part of your day, every day.  Whatever happens is exactly what you need right now to move you to where you want to be.

Next post:  What it means to start a 'wellness' business and why you are totally amazing!

How to go from SAHM to WAHM: Part 1

So I mentioned in my last post that I'm going to let go of the safety-net that I've been holding on to by resigning from my position as a teacher here in Toronto.  I'm a little SCARED, but it's the kind of fear that MOTIVATES me, not the kind that IMMOBILIZES me.  You know what I meant?

And yes, I'm going to be launching a business this spring.  I've been taking a couple of courses for the past 4 months and I have learned SO MUCH and I will soon be ready to take the plunge and put myself and my ideas OUT THERE for everybody to see and talk about... and BUY, presumably.

I know that many of my readers are WAHM-wannabes.  You love being home with your kid(s) but you also really want to contribute to the family income.  You know there are things that you are good at, but you don't know how to market your skills and knowledge to make some money.

Well, lucky you!  Because I'm going to share with you some of what I've been learning.  Of course, it might mean more to you to hear it from someone who has actually MADE MONEY already working from home!  But perhaps you'll benefit from hearing about my journey so far...

1. Know WHY you want to make money.  You want to pay for private school for your child.  Or you want to move to a better neighbourhood.  Or you want to buy a farm.  Or you want your partner to be able to retire (that's my reason!).  Keeping your REASON really clear will help you to stay focussed and not give up.  It is NOT materialistic or immoral to want more money so that you can provide a better life for your family and so that you can all live up to your full potentials and be who you were born to be.  
2. Begin with ONE idea.  Examples:  You want to empower moms who have suffered post-partum depression because you've been through it and you know what really helps.  You want to make and sell gender-neutral baby clothes so that parents don't have to buy two different wardrobes for their boy-and-girl children.  You want to sell the totally awesome homeschool package on Geography for 4-8 year olds that you created last year for your own family.   You want to help parents whose children aren't being served by the one-size-fits-all model of public education.   (Yup, that's my idea.)
3. Start somewhere.  You don't have to have lots of products and a whole marketing program in place to launch a business.  You only have NOW, so use it.  Don't put enormous pressure on yourself because it is really hard to focus and to attract the right kind of customer when you are coming from a place of desperation.
4. Make sure your partner is on board.  If you are spending a lot of time at the computer or at the sewing machine or with your nose in a book, it really helps your partner to want to help you carve out time to do those things if he understands that you are moving towards an income.  
5. Get help to learn what you don't know.

I enrolled in a business course in the fall and it has been, without a trace of irony, the best learning experience of my life.  This course teaches not only how to get online and market and create drip-campaigns and search engine optimization and freemiums (yeah, seriously!), it also teaches how to clear your negative energy about selling to people or about not believing that you are good enough or smart enough or deserving enough to really make money using your skill or knowledge.  It's awesome.  I am a totally changed woman from everything I have learned in this course.

Just FYI:  it costs $497 to enrol, and then $97/month after that for as long as you want.  Once you enrol, you have access to ALL the recordings of all the training calls since October and all the PDF files for templates and additional training.  The coach's name is Heather Madder, and you can find her information and some free downloads by clicking on the graphic above.  (Email me if you want to find out how to get your enrolment for FREE!)

Tomorrow I'm going to tell you how I find time to work on starting a business, take a course and be a mom to 4 unschooled kids under the age of 7 while also making all our food from scratch and not letting the house turn into a pigsty.  Yup, it's possible, and you can do it too!

Compassion, Joy and Staying Connected to Yourself

Yesterday the weather here in Toronto was totally GORGEOUS so the children and I decided to go to the zoo.  We're Unschoolers, so we visit at least one of the fabulous attractions in our great city every week.

While we were there one of my daughters was doing something that I felt might create a minor danger or annoyance to other people.  I pointed out to her what she was doing and I asked her if she could see the danger and would she stop her action.  Then I left her to deliberate her next move.

But before she could do anything, an adult passing by yelled at my daughter and made a derogatory about me.

I WAS LIVID.


I can handle being insulted, but when someone who has no connection to my child chooses to intervene when I am RIGHT THERE it is a HUGE emotional trigger for me.

My usual reaction to an event like that is to let it ruin my day, my week, or even my month.  I replay it in my head over and over and over.  I make up hundreds of insults and smart-ass comments that I wish I had thrown at that intervening adult.  I degrade myself for letting that situation happen.  As days go by, every time I am out in public with my children I am suspicious of any one who looks at us because I am afraid of another confrontation.  In fact, I even let myself become so fearful of negative interactions with other people that I will deliberately avoid going out.

This time I stayed connected to myself.


Yesterday, as I felt my emotions rising and the blood rushed to my head, I took a deep breath and I blew it away.  I relaxed my shoulders, looked into my daughter's eyes and smiled.  The angry thoughts started to bubble up and I took another deep breath and I blew them away, too.  I asked my daughter what she would like to do now and she answered by skipping away down the path and calling to her sisters.

Mentally, I hugged myself.  I repeated to myself: I am not my experiences.  I am who I AM.  When I caught up to my daughter, I hugged her and I saw that her joy, her authenticity, was completely intact.

This is a big breakthrough for me!  I am so used to sabotaging my own joy that this has been a hard habit to break.  I am learning to reprogram my thoughts to stay connected to my authenticity.

Recently, two similar incidents have been the catalyst to make me more aware of how I am used to abusing myself.  First, a person from my past left a hateful and vile comment on one of my blog posts.  Later the same week I received a (gentle) reprimand for a professional mistake that I made years ago when I was an elementary school teacher.  I knew that those two events would normally have sparked a long and sad descent into self-flagellation.  I couldn't let that happen because, honestly, I have a lot to accomplish!

Instead, I found a way to be grateful for each of those events.  I experienced them as reminders to stay connected to myself, to examine who I am, and to wish joy upon the people who brought these events into my life.  I accepted with genuine gratitude that these were reminders to chose my own words carefully and to maintain my online presence as a reflection of my integrity and authenticity.

How do you stay connected to yourself when you experience a negative situation?

Are you Achieving Your Full Potential?

I haven't achieved my full potential yet.  But I'm seriously working it.

I think all of us are born with the possibility of fulfilling our full potential. Babies are born wired for learning and children are naturally curious and eager to figure out the world around them. The more we learn and the more we explore, the closer we get to our full potential. Inherent in this process is the need to feel joy in the experience of learning and doing. A child who finds something she loves to do will be completely devoted to the task, fulfilling her brain's desire to learn, and her heart's desire for joy.


Many things get in the way of achieving our potential. I used to think that a strong brain was the most important component for success, but I have learned that intellect is not the key element in determining whether or not a person can achieve her full potential. More important than the brain is the heart.

The heart must be free experience joy. For it is in experiencing JOY that we find our full potentials. This seems simple, but I think that actually very few of us have grown up with a heart that is free to experience JOY. A baby who is left to cry alone in a crib is not experiencing JOY, and it will take time for her heart to heal from that trauma so that she can again seek her full potential. A child whose parent controls every aspect of her life--clothes, food, friends, activities--cannot fulfill her potential because she is not free to explore. A child who learns that her behaviour must be pleasing to adults is stifled because she has not learned how to make choices that please herself.

Many parents think that their children will more likely make a BAD choice than a GOOD one if given the opportunity. But a parent who trusts her children will empower her with knowledge and opportunity and then trust her to make a good choice for herself.  And if the child makes a choice that she discovers is not in her own best interests, the parent must still offer unconditional love and offer support and help.

I need regular reminders to not to get in the way of my children's innate ability to achieve their full potentials. It is not my job to make them into people who will eventually reach their potential. They are able to reach it everyday, as long as I am not stifling them with control or unreasonable expectations.  I must leave room for their joy every day, at every opportunity.

To achieve my full potential, I am opening my heart to joy.  I am forgiving past hurts and letting go of the guilt I feel about my own mistakes.  I am breaking down walls around my heart to allow myself to fully experience my full range of emotions, and to truly empathize with the feelings of those I love.  I am opening my eyes to find ways to connect with adversaries and I am opening my mind to new ideas and experiences.  I am letting go of so, so many fears.  I am accepting myself.

What are you doing to create a home where everyone can achieve their full potential?

Gender Fluidity, The Genderless Baby and Raising my Son

If I were reading about a mother who didn't want to raise a son (as you have been for the last week), I would probably be thinking this:  Lady, you are pathetic.  You have a healthy, growing, thriving little boy.  There are mothers all over the world who have buried their sons, yet you are so selfish that you wish you had had another daughter?  Get over it.

Yeah, I'd be pretty judgemental.  I get it that I am privileged to even have the opportunity to reflect on why I find it difficult to raise a son.  Still, how much worse of a mother would I be if I didn't reflect on my feelings and direct my thoughts toward investigating my attitude and healing my past (from which my attitudes come)?

And so I will finish these reflections on gender with the following thoughts:

In May, The Toronto Star ran a story about a couple who are refusing to reveal the gender of their baby in order for the child to grow up without all the stereotypes associated with gender.

I think they are brilliant.

I had first read about gender fluidity (for children) in April and I was really intrigued by it.  When I read about Baby Storm who is being raised by possibly the most open-minded, loving, accepting parents on the planet I was absolutely thrilled to learn that there are parents who are so incredible.

I am simply not even mature enough to embrace what they have done--prevent gender stereotyping by not divulging the gender of their baby.  But I get it.  I totally get it.

You see, I just don't think that sex and gender matter.  At least, not when it comes to how I want to raise my children.  I don't believe that the stereotypical 'male' and 'female' behaviour that people are so quick to observe in my children actually have anything to do with sex or gender.

My daughters love to wear dresses.  They choose pink and purple clothing when we go shopping.  They love their Barbie dolls.

AND, they refuse to wash or comb their hair.  All 3 of them.  They play in mud.  Often.  They ride on Tonka trucks down our sloping driveway, slamming their feet into the sidewalk just inches before they would shoot out onto the road.  They climb trees.  They delight in feeding bugs and worms to the chickens.

They are active, curious, busy children and I don't see that any of their behaviours are related to how they identify themselves as girls.  And I don't see that any of my son's behaviours are related to being a boy.  He is simply growing up the best way he knows how in the environment that he was born into.

The boundaries that I place on Julian will be the same as the boundaries I place on my daughters.  We don't tolerate aggression.  We don't act with prejudice, arrogance or ignorance.  We show kindness and compassion to our family, friends, neighbours and acquaintances.  We value patience, fulfillment, safety and good health.  We choose to live in Freedom and Joy.

What if my son starts hitting or biting?  Well, so what.  One of my daughters went through a brief aggressive period.  We responded with patience and understanding;  she doesn't hit or bite anymore.  What if my son wants to play with cars and trucks and trains?  Well, he can if he wants.  He can also play with Playmobil and Duplo and My Little Ponies and Barbies and whatever he wants.  What if my son wants to wear dresses and hair barrettes?  Okay.  He likely won't forever.

Meeting Julian's needs and guiding him as he grows are my main objectives.  I will do this by authentically getting to know him and observing carefully as he signals his needs to me.  I will listen carefully to him and to his sisters throughout their lives and I will give them my unconditional, unequivocal love and devotion.

That's all.
I'm done talking about gender.
For now.
**********************************

PART 1:  Disappointment after my Son's Birth
PART 2:  Gender Stereotypes
PART 3:  6 Reasons I did Not Want a Boy

Summer Milestones

We spent the middle two weeks of July at my father's home in Waterloo, Ontario while he travelled to the province of Newfoundland.  What great adventures we had in Waterloo!  No one wanted to come home and the girls wished that Opa would stay away for another week.

African Lion Safari and Julian's Milestone

My mother took us all on safari!  The weather was fabulous and we stayed all day.

Anna (7 yrs), Holly (5.5 yrs) and Jasmine (3.5yrs) with their favourite animals.

Julian hits a milestone:  his first pony ride!

Julian was quite dapper in his safari shirt!

 Jazzy's Milestone

Jasmine (3.5 yrs) is phenomenally coordinated.  Not only is she an excellent swimmer, but this kid can handle a bicycle like a pro!  We'll be taking off the training wheels by the end of the summer, I imagine.

She can turn corners and go up and down curbs with no difficulty.

 Anna's Milestone

Anna (7 yrs) REALLY wanted to come down the big slide at the public pool we visited, but first she had to pass a swimming test.  Well, she's NEVER participated in any type of assessment before, and I was so nervous for her!  But she passed the test NO PROBLEM (half front crawl, half doggy-paddle).  And she loved the slide!

After she came down the slide, she swam to the edge of the pool so fast that we all laughed and asked her if she thought an alligator was chasing her!

Holly's Milestone
Poor Holly.  She felt pretty left out when we all were so excited for Anna's accomplishment.  But, lucky for her, she had just achieved the required weight to move from a 5-point harness in the car to a booster seat.  YAY HOLLY!  (But sorry, kid.  I didn't take a picture.)

Breastfeeding, Fertility, Conception and Contraception

Note to Some Readers:  This post contains details about me that may make you uncomfortable.

Have I ever mentioned that I am completely over-the-top crazy about pregnancy, birth and newborn babes?  Especially my own?  But I even love babies when they aren't mine!  When I see a woman in her 3rd trimester I start to have heart palpitations.  When I read a really good birth story I weep because I am jealous.  When I am close to a newborn I want to breastfeed it myself!

Yes, it's an addiction.  I probably need professional help.

But actually, until now, I've been able to satisfy my addiction by continually having babies.  Four kids in 84 months is a pretty good way to fill up my yearning for pregnancy, birth and newborns.  Which brings me to a very significant problem:  I've just become fertile again.  We aren't ready for another baby for at least 3.5 years.  And we have no idea what to do about it.

Let me explain.

My first daughter, Anna, was conceived just 9 days after I stopped taking the birth-control pill.  After she was born I was pretty grossed out by how heavy I was, so I went on a serious diet and ended up getting my first period when she was just 4 months old.  Fortunately I was able to achieve amennorhea again (for 6 months) by increasing breastfeeding.  My daughter Holly was conceived the first time I ovulated when Anna was 11 months old.  When Holly was 12 months old I conceived again (without having a period first), but I had a very early miscarriage.  When the bleeding stopped I conceived my daughter Jasmine. 

Jasmine was an amazing nurser and she had some serious food sensitivities so breastmilk was her primary source of nutrition until she was around 18 months old.  At 20 months we got help for her condition and she began to eat more food.  My son Julian was conceived when Jasmine was 21 months.

So as you can see, we are not having any fertility issues.  Actually, we do believe in using birth control:  I obtained a diaphragm from my doctor after Anna was born.  However, I've found from experience that it is not a very good choice for us....mostly because it has lived sight-unseen in the medicine cabinet for the last 7 years.

So now it appears that our Ultra-Fertility is actually a problem.  (I swear I can conceive just by looking at Partner-Guy from across a crowded room.)  We simply can't have another baby right away and my plan to use breastfeeding to prevent conception is apparently not going to work.

And there is actually a really good reason why we can't have another baby right away:  In 3 years Partner-Guy will have a 14-month paid leave-of-absence from his job and we intend to sell our house and spend the year travelling across Canada.  We feel it just wouldn't be fair to our other children if we bring a baby on the trip because the baby will occupy most of my attention.  So we intend to wait until we come back. 

Which brings me to the million-dollar question:
How are we going to prevent conception for the next 3+ years?

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Hot Love in the Summertime

Oh, I love the summer!

And a new reason to love it just hit me yesterday:  SKIN!

Summer provides so many great opportunities to physically connect with my little ones!

• the hot little hand that slides into mine as we walk
• the sweaty baby head that rests on my bare shoulder
• the cold-wet, just-out-of-the-pool little body that throws herself onto my lap
• the soft arms that wrap around my back when I offer a piggy-back ride during a too-long walk
• Julian's cool feet that rest on my bare thigh when I curl up beside him at night
• the swimsuit-clad body that jumps off the edge of the pool into my arms
• Holly's silky hair as I braid it
• the tight little back as I push her higher and higher on the swing
• the dripping daughters who need a big towel after playing in the rain

Isn't it funny how these moments just don't happen the same way when the children are dressed in snowsuits?!

A Week of Secrets: #4

Psssssst....I'll tell you a little secret.  But you have to promise not to tell anyone.

I don't clean my house.

Yes, it's true.  If you come to my house you will see that it is an absolute pigsty.  The bathroom needs to be cleaned.  The floor needs to be washed.  The fridge needs to be wiped out.  The windows and mirrors need to be scrubbed.  Every horizontal surface needs to be dusted.

It's not that I'm lazy.  It's not even that I'm too busy.  Although certainly having 4 kids DOES keep me busy.

I just choose to spend my time doing other things (when I'm not directly involved in an activity with my children).

Like what?  Well, I'm glad you asked.

For one thing, I bake and cook.  A LOT.  In the last week, in addition to toast and fruit salads and assorted vegetable dishes, all of the following items came out of my kitchen:

• 6 loaves of whole wheat bread
• banana muffins, applesauce muffins and carrot muffins
• 3 pizzas made from scratch including the crust
• hamburgers with homemade buns
• meatballs in stewed tomato sauce
• strawberry jam
• a cake with icing
• egg-free cupcakes with icing
• curry chicken
• guacamole
• cilantro salad
• fresh pesto
• bean soup

So I do spend a lot of time in the kitchen.

I also tend to be pretty meticulous about my laundry.  I hang out as much as I can on the clothesline.  I wash diapers twice a week.  I fold every little shirt and skirt and dress and bib with tender loving care and place each item neatly back in its home in the dresser or on the shelf.  It takes time, but laundry is one of my favourite activities.

And finally, I spend a lot of time doing my own thing.  I put on makeup.  I read the newspaper.  I check my email.  I run.  I talk to Partner-Guy.  I hold the baby while he sleeps.  It's a good life, I tell ya!  And I sure don't stress about the cleanliness of my toilet!

That being said, if I know that I am having a visitor, I do clean the house.  It takes about half an hour.

• clean the bathroom (5 minutes)
• make the beds and put the laundry away (5 minutes)
• pick up toys and books and sweep the living room/dining room (10 minutes)
• wipe the counters and fill the dishwasher (5 minutes)
• sweep the kitchen and spot-clean the floor (5 minutes)

Ta Da!
That's it.  That's my definition of a clean house.

You can't eat off my floors, but if you show up at my door, I guarantee I'll be able to give you something good to eat.  On a plate.

So that's my fourth secret.  Are you ready to share some of YOUR secrets yet?
*********************************************
In case you've missed some of my secrets, here they are:
Secret #1:  Un-Farming
Secret #2:  Un-Sleeping
Secret #3:  Un-Marriage

A Week of Secrets: #3

Psssssssssst....I'll tell you a secret.

OK, it's not really a secret that I'm trying to keep, but lots of people don't know it.

Partner-Guy and I are not married.

We just can't be bothered.  It's not important to us. 

But what's a little funny to us is how important it is to other people that WE should want to be married. 

This is a real conversation between a neighbourhood-mommy and myself.  She was talking about her husband's job and I mentioned something about Partner-Guy.

Then this:

HER:  How long have you been married? 

ME:  We're not married. We've been together about 7 years.

HER:  So what do you celebrate?

ME:  Silence.

The confused look on my face was enough to indicate that I had no idea what she was talking about, so she elaborated.

HER:  For an anniversary. Do you celebrate your first date? or your first kiss?

The only response I could come up with was, "No. We're not into that."

HER:  Don't you want to celebrate your relationship?

ME:  We celebrate our family every day. 

HER:  But don't you want to have something that is just for the two of you?

ME:  No.

DUH. So apparently her whole concept of being married is that she gets to celebrate an anniversary? Yeah, that's important.  Maybe she was just making conversation.  Either way, it shows a real lack of understanding of the diversity of successful relationships in modern culture.

Partner-Guy and I consider ourselves to be sharing a sophisticated arrangement. We started out on a 3-to-5-year contract with the option to renew for a second 3-to-5-year contract at any time.  The contract was a verbal agreement not to look for other relationships.  At 7 years, we consider ourselves to be free to stay together for as long as we want.  And not a moment longer.

It's an unmarriage.
No marriage equals no expectations. No expectations equals no disappointments. No disappointments equals a very happy, stable relationship.

Since many of the married people I know are at least semi-miserable, I think our arrangement is working out pretty well. And Partner-Guy and I agree that if our children someday ask us to get married (and if they're old enough to think that it would really make a difference to them) then we will, without question.  We aren't anti-marriage.  We just prefer to live in an unmarriage.

The mother of one of Partner-Guy's friends recently told him "You have a beautiful family.  So why don't you make it right by marrying Patti?"  It's funny that people think we are doing it wrong.  Another friend asked, "Don't you want to say the words I promise?"  Aaaah, let me think on that.  No.  Promises can be broken.  Broken promises lead to disappointment.  No promises, no disappointments.

I'm quite fascinated by WHY people choose to get married.  I suspect that most people have reasons that are a lot bigger than having something to celebrate. 

So that's my third secret.  Any comments?

A Week Of Secrets: #1

Psssst...I'll let you in on a little secret.  But only if you promise not to tell anyone.

Our family is growing.

I bet you think I'm pregnant again, right?  Wrong. 

WE GOT CHICKENS!

Yes, once a farmer's daughter, always a farmer's daughter.  You can take the girl out of the country, but apparently you can't take the country out of the girl! 

Here's the story:
One day I was walking down the sidewalk pushing Julian in the stroller and chatting with the girls when I stopped, backed up and stared up someone's driveway in disbelief.  Surely I couldn't be seeing a lattice fence shielding 3 chickens in a backyard?  But, yes, there they were.

A few days later I passed by the house and there was a man outside so I approached him and asked if this was his house (yes) and were those his chickens.  He said that they were his pets.  I pressed him farther:  Do they lay eggs?  He maintained that they were his pets.  I was getting nowhere so I laid it out for him:  I want chickens.  I want chickens that lay eggs.  How do you get away with having chickens?

Sadly, it is against Toronto bylaws to keep chickens in your backyard.  Or in your house, I guess.  Yes, like many cities, people in Toronto are entitled to have massive dogs that $hit all over sidewalks, lawns and parks, but we are not allowed to keep a couple of chickens who quietly earn their keep.

Anyway, the man with the chickens sensed that I wasn't going to turn him over to Big Brother...I mean, The Authorities...so he brought me and the children to his backyard to meet his flock.  Well, I won't bother with all the details but I ran into him one day last week and he informed me that he and his wife had to move and would we like to have his chickens, his coop, his fence and his feed and straw.

Would I?   Yes, yes, yes!

Now (Mom) I know what you're thinking:  Surely there is a simpler way of obtaining farm-fresh organic eggs in Toronto than THIS?  Yeah, I'm sure you're right.  But this is not about simple.  It's about The New Normal.  It's about eating better and learning new skills and accepting a challenge.  It's about Unschooling.  It's about living outside the Mainstream.

The hens lay an egg (each) every day.  And they are The Healthiest eggs imaginable.  I would love it these eggs become a major source of protein for us so that we start buying a little less meat each week.  But that remains to be figured out.  I'd also like to try my Jasmine on these eggs to see if maybe they won't aggravate her severe eczema.

Here they are!

Exploring the yard.

That's Lolo on the left, Tillie in the middle and Ginger on the right.  (And my daughter Holly in the back.)

Here are Tillie and Lolo in their fenced in area beside their coop.

So.  What do you think of my secret?

Unschool Today: More Freedom and Joy

Holly, age 5.5yrs



Jasmine, age 3.5yrs




Princess Anna, age 7yrs; Prince Julian, age 11 months




This is what happens when Mommy takes too long to take the picture.




We really trying to wean him of his desire to eat everything he finds in the backyard.




Not sure if you can see the geckos in this photo, but Julian is OBSESSED with them.  I occasionally put the terrarium on the floor because otherwise he would want me to stand with him at the counter all day to look at them.



The Two Most Surprising Aspects of Mothering 4 Children {Under the Age of 7}

1.  How LITTLE my children actually need me.

When I was an elementary school teacher for 10 years, it was constantly drilled into the staff that we were 100% responsible  (i.e. liable) for the students from the moment they arrived at school.  We were strongly discouraged from ever leaving children alone in a classroom--even for a 2 minute trip to the bathroom--and supervision of hallways, entrances and even bathrooms was strictly observed.

I was still in this mindset when my first daughter, Anna, was born.  Even when she was sound asleep in a safe place I was nervous to have a shower or go out to get the mail because I had this compelling RULE in my head that I had to be ON DUTY every minute.  But by the time my second daughter Holly arrived 20 months later, I had discovered that a child can actually be unsupervised for a few minutes and most of the time nothing will happen. 

Now that Holly and Anna are 5.5yrs and 7yrs, hours and hours can go by when I don't even see them.  They get lost in their make-believe worlds of Barbies and My Little Ponies and Littlest Pet Shops.  They draw and colour for up to 4 hours in one stretch.  The get their own drinks and often their own snacks.  They dress themselves and are independent in the bathroom.  Now that it's summer, they go outdoors to the front or back yard without prerequisite 'permission'.

Some days I barely interact with them until they're ready for bed.  I can read The Toronto Star from front to back.  I can drink a whole cup of tea while it's still hot.  I can talk on the phone without interruption.  I can even send a few emails.

It's quite amazing how independent children can become in just a few short years.  (And it's funny how mainstream parents would think that my children aren't independent because they don't go on playdates or sleep in their own rooms or--gasp!--go to school!) 

Which brings me to the 2nd surprising aspect of being the mother of 4 young children...

2.  How MUCH my children actually need me.

Seriously.

I mean, some days I hardly get a moment to breath, let alone put makeup on or brush my teeth!  From the second we get out of bed, it's like this:
Mom!  Get me some toast and soy milk.  Mom!  Get Jasmine out of my Pet Shops.  Mom!  Find my pink sandals.  Mom!  Julian is going to fall down the stairs.  Mom!  I want the rest of your cup of tea.  Mom!  Did you put my turquoise skirt in the laundry?  Mom!  Watch what I can do.  Mom!  Can you turn on the DVD player for us?  Mom!  Julian is eating magnets off the fridge.  Mom!  Read this book to me.  Mom!  Can you play with Jasmine?  Mom!  Holly took my seat.  Mom!  Julian has his hand in the toilet!  Mom!  I hate this shirt--stop putting it in my drawer.  Mom!  Can you put these pyjamas on my stuffed turtle?  Mom!  Will you braid my hair?  Mom!  Can we go to the playground today?  Mom!  I said I wanted toast and soy milk!!!

I mean REALLY!
If they weren't MY KIDS I'd lose my mind.  Really.  Or I'd send them all to daycare and get a job.  Anything would be easier than 14 solid hours of meeting the incessant needs of these people!  Like, digging ditches, attending births or fighting fires!

But, OH!  The love that happens in the middle of the chaos.  The days where every answer is YES.  The spontaneous moments of Joy.  The Freedom that surrounds us.

It's all glorious.

Wordless Wednesday (My First !)

Julian is very serious about his melon.

Yup--still serious!

Holly (5yrs) shows us her tongue.

Anna (7yrs) gets in on it, too.

Now it's Jasmine's turn!  (3 1/2 yrs)

Julian gets glow-y at the front door.

And contemplative in the front yard.

Where you'll find us most afternoons.

Great action shot, eh?!

Can you pick a favourite?

Unschool Today: More Freedom and Joy

First, they ate breakfast outside.

Then, mysteriously, their stuffed animals ended up on the roof of the shed.

Diapers out on the clothesline:  One of my favourite sights of Spring.

Naptime for the little thumb-sucker.

Sprinkler-time for the big sisters.

Doesn't this look like fun?

How cute is THIS BOY?  One-handed gardening!  "Don't worry, Mom.  I got my thumb!"

Unschool Today: Freedom and Joy

On Sunday Anna organized a shopping trip with her dad and her two sisters.  She made an itinerary, a shopping list for each person and a budget.  Significantly, she emptied the Money-Jars belonging to her and her sisters onto the table and then divided up all the money equally between the three girls. 

When the trip was completed (and when Daddy was sedated with a coffee after trekking through 2 stores with 3 little girls) the sisters came home and played with their new treasures.

In the evening, while baby Julian and 3-year-old Jasmine lay down with Mommy to go to sleep, Anna (7) and Holly (5) played Go-Fish with their dad.  When I came out of the bedroom I played a few games too and at 9pm Partner-Guy and I went to the living room to fold the laundry and watch Celebrity Apprentice as is our Sunday night custom.  (And yes, I admit to watching a little bit of trash-TV once in a while!)  Anna and Holly were not interested in going to bed yet so they stayed up, playing cards together and making up new games with the little animal toys they had purchased earlier.

On Monday morning we all woke up together at 8:46am.  Jasmine got right into a new make-believe game with her new toys and Anna and Holly sat at the table with their pencils and drawing tablets while I made some breakfast and read the paper.  Julian emptied one of the bottom cupboards (hey, he has to do SOMETHING!) and when he grew bored I put him in the booster seat for some breakfast.

Around 10am the girls looked up from their self-chosen activities and asked for something to eat.  Later Jasmine watched a Go Diego Go DVD while I put Julian down for a nap and Anna and Holly got back into a make-believe game involving their new toys.  At some point, the two of them disappeared to our Playroom/Craft room in the basement and reappeared with a little house made out of a shoebox, some fabric and copious amounts of hot-glue.  When Julian woke up, we played outside for a while and I puttered around in my garden which is not yet planted but is still requiring my attention.

During Julian's second nap I made supper and then read several short books to the girls.  When Partner-Guy came home he took Julian outside to play on the swing and have a ride in the wagon while I went out to run 3km.

Dinner.  Baths.  Bed.  And that was our day.

This is what Freedom and Joy looks like at our house.  And you?

Talking with The Organic Sister: Part 2

I did another phone session with Tara this week.  I definitely think of her as a Life Coach, more than a Parenting Coach.  She's even changed her website to reflect that she is available to help women achieve their goals and overcome obstacles that are preventing us from being our best selves.  Check her out.


Gratuitous photo of Julian and Holly.


This week I needed to talk to Tara about advocating for peaceful parenting.  I talked about how hard it is for me to hear parents talk about letting their babies cry themselves to sleep (CIO) or mothers who brag about going on vacation to 'get a break' from their little nursing babies.  Even at the playground I can't escape parents shaming their children.  It breaks my heart and I'm to the point where I either can't be around mainstream parents for any reason OR I have to be constantly advocating for children and for gentle parenting.  I needed to delve into why this is such a big deal to me....why I can't just let it go.

There are two reasons why this topic was on my mind.  First, I am thinking about getting back into being a La Leche League Leader but I can't do it if I am going to be emotionally distraught every time a mother talks about her parenting practices that are anything but gentle or peaceful.  And because La Leche League has a policy about how leaders are supposed to dispense information on controversial subjects, I am a little nervous about whether or not the organization is still a good fit for me.

The second reason that I needed to talk about finding my authentic response to mainstream parents is because of what happened to me last week when I posted a contribution to the Carnival of Natural Parenting about how I contacted a person who had been out of my life for a while and asked him to stop making his baby cry himself to sleep.  Boy, did I ever get slammed in the COMMENTS by people who lambasted me for telling someone my opinion on his parenting practices even though I did not have a personal connection to him.  Even many of the more positive comments were from people who said that they would never have done what I did.  But there were so many negative, angry comments that I couldn't publish them all.  So enough with the anger, already, people. 

So I posed the question to Tara:  When I am overwhelmed with sadness because of the way other people treat their precious children, how do stay authentic without getting up on my soapbox?

Tara challenged me to dig deep and identify my core beliefs about parents and children.  She asked me to identify my judgements and to put my judgements into the context of my history.  She helped me to go outside of myself and look for the positive in the situation and to look for another perspective.

She explained that I can't fight reality.  What is, IS.  I can't change anything except my own reaction.  I have to accept the moment.

The next step would be to find my new role once I have accepted that I can't change anything.  Tara challenged me to find a new possibility--find all the possibilities--and release my negative emotions.  Instead of reacting with "I have to fix this", I have to react with "What can I offer?".

One comment in particular really stayed with me and I've been contemplating it all week.  Tara suggested that I think about Dr. Martin Luther King and his style of activism.  He held rallies to inspire people who already shared his vision.  He inspired them to continue to stand up for their beliefs and eventually laws were changed and his dreams were legislated.  What he DIDN'T do was to make individual connections with people who didn't share his dream.  He wasn't trying to turn racists into non-racists.

Thinking about MKL has challenged me to think about what kind of activist I want to be.  If I feel a burden to advocate for children, how do I actually want to do that?  And how emotionally involved do I want to be?  How much can I even handle?

Lots to think about...

It was a great talk with Tara this week and I have a feeling that we are not done with this topic.

Talking with The Organic Sister

Have you checked out Tara at The Organic Sister yet?  I've been reading her archives and I've found so much that I connect with.  Her insights really resonate with me.

My favourite post from Tara is It's Not You, It's Me (Except When it's Not Me) where she talks about getting to the story behind why we act (and react) the way we do and owning our authenticity.  This is the post that made me want to ask Tara to help me explore my own story.

And this is the situation that was the catalyst:

Last weekend we took the kids to Taylor Creek Park to wander and explore the valley, trees and creek.  Yes, we encountered a bunch of dogs off leash, but it was another incident that made me really want to examine myself, my motives and my authenticity.

We came to a huge fallen tree and the girls wanted to climb on it.  It was the perfect tree-climbing experience because none of the branches were more than 5 feet off the ground.  And it was quite solid and could support a lot of climbing and bouncing.

We had been there for about 15 minutes when a mother with two kids came by.  The mother kept walking with her dog while the kids, aged about 10 and 8 years, came over and started to climb on the tree right where our kids were already climbing.

I was so annoyed!  No, I didn't own the tree but these are the situations that drive me to frustration.  First of all, was I to be responsible for the safety of these other kids since their mother was nowhere around?  Second, these kids were making the climbing unsafe for my kids since they were bigger and heavier.  Third, would it have killed them to wait until we were done?  Like, show a little consideration!  ...which is how we would act if we wanted to play in an area where other kids were already playing.

My choices, I felt, were limited.  I could either take my children and leave (showing my own children that I am a doormat) or I could ask the other children to wait until we were finished playing (and risk their mother coming over and having a big confrontation.)  Neither of those choices felt authentic to me.

So I set up a coaching session with The Organic Sister.

First Tara helped me explore my feelings about those other children coming over to play on the tree.  She validated how I felt and asked me to go deeper.  I said that the presence of the other children made me feel a loss of control because my children's Freedom and Joy were being taken away.

Through Tara's gentle questioning we discussed why I perceive other children as a threat to the life of Freedom and Joy that I am living with my children.  Is it that I didn't experience much freedom or joy as a child and so I am very protective of what I've created in my adult life? 

The light bulb moment for me came when I talked about how I felt that the other children (and their mother) were being inconsiderate of us--that I don't let my kids go play on top of other kids, that I expect them to show patience and kindness.  Tara asked me to think about the judgement I was holding behind that statement.  I realized that I was not showing patience and kindness to the other children.

It is way outside of my comfort zone to be friendly with other people's children (unless I know them and their parents).  But maybe if I had greeted the other children?  Smiled at them?  Asked their ages?  Maybe if I had extended my authenticity towards them--my desire for Freedom and Joy, Patience and Kindness--then I would not have felt threatened by their desire to play. 

Tara talked to me about being able to be authentic outside of my 'bubble'.  If I am being authentic then I will be able to handle whatever situation I am in with my children.  I will show them that I am not trying to guess how other people will act and react and that I am just flowing with whatever scenario plays out around me.  This makes so much sense!  Why would I think that I had to take my children away from  the other children to protect their Freedom and Joy?  Did I think that they were too fragile to experience Freedom and Joy when other children were around?

So my phone call with Tara was an excellent use of time and money.  I have booked 4 sessions with her and I look forward to our next conversation.  She's The Organic Sister...Because conventional wisdom just isn't natural.