ETFO's Ultimate Block Party

This past June, the Elementary Teachers' Federation of Ontario -- the union in which I used to be an active member -- hosted an Ultimate Block Party at Fort York National Historic Site in downtown Toronto.  Community organizations and individual artists partnered with ETFO to set up 25 play centres where children could take part in all kinds of play:  music, art, drama, and dance;  science experiments, physical play, adventure play, and story telling.  The entire event was free and all teachers' families were invited.

I did not attend with my children.

It's not that I think the event was inherently bad.  In fact, the activities were phenomenal!  Mountains of Lego, art supplies galore, awesome building supplies, science investigations with REAL microscopes and other exploratory tools and devices.  I would love to have access to all those wonderful things for my children on a regular basis.  But, just as importantly, I would love it if every child had non-stop access to the tools of creation, investigation and imagination every day.


You see, ETFO's event was great, except that it took the same old attitude that all the 'experts' take:  that children should have time to play, but not all the time and not unsupervised and not without sharing and taking turns.  


You see, for PLAY to really be the source of learning for young children, they need three things:
TIME, PRIVACY and SPONTANEITY.  They need as much time as they want, they need to be alone so that they don't fall into the trap of just doing what everyone else is doing, and they need to be able to choose their activities whenever their own spirit moves them to participate.


What if the first five years of 'formal education' were a non-stop ultimate block party?  I mean, just imagine it!  Kids ages 4-9 years old who build, create, draw, imagine and MOVE all day long.  They would have the option of sitting for a story if they wanted or they could print some letters if they wanted but they would have the freedom to choose their own activities all day long.  There would be no report cards because the concept of 'progress' would be irrelevant.  It wouldn't matter if a child wanted to build with Lego for 6 months solid because Who knows? Maybe she'll grow up to be a world-renowned architect!  Another child wants to spend a whole year painting pictures?  Magnificent!  Perhaps he'll be an artistic designer! And what if a child spends a year running around from one activity to another with no real purpose or specific interest?  Fantastic!  A well-rounded citizen in the making!

But what about reading and writing?  Oh, come on.  Do children have to learn to read and write when they are 6 years old because otherwise they'll never be literate?  What if the next 5 years of school focused on just 2 areas:  technology and communication.  Aren't those the two most important skills anyone will need in our ever-changing world twenty years from now?  And what if 5 more years of FREE education were spent letting the children pursue whatever subjects they were interested in, perhaps with expert mentors?

We're Unschoolers, but what I've just described is the FLOW that I envision for my children as they grow into adults.  Right now, they are given access to as many adventures and investigations and opportunities to create as I can find and afford.  Whatever they express interest in doing or seeing or exploring, I find a way to make it happen.  I read if they ask me to and I help with printing words if they ask me to.  They do not use computers and we don't own video games.  In a few more years, I open up the world of technology to them by buying them digital cameras, a cam-corder and likely a laptop.  We will engage in communication via the Internet to learn about people all over the world.  And as they become teenagers I envision them following their passions and continuing to learn whatever they want.

What if they flounder around and don't show interest in anything?  Then I will continue to provide a loving, nurturing home environment where I will support them in any endeavour.  I will value them as unique, compassionate, curious people.  I will treasure their contributions to humanity.

I weep for the way that traditional schooling destroys the lives of children.  Strong language?  Not to me.  Unless the modern system of education MODERNIZES in the manner I suggest, we will continue to churn out young people who are totally prepared to live in 1960.

Ingenuity, imagination and communication are the way of the future.  And until the schools throw out their textbooks, their archaic rules of discipline, their ridiculous heavy emphasis on early literacy and their stranglehold on creativity in favour of forced conformity, we will continue to see a society that is struggling to move forward.

Are you considering Unschooling?  What are you doing to keep your eye on the Future as your child plays today?

First I'm Superwoman. Later, I'm Supperwoman.

Welcome to the I Love Me! Carnival!

This post was written for inclusion in the I Love Me! Carnival hosted by Amy at Anktangle. This carnival is all about love of self, challenging you to lift yourself up, just for being you.

Please read to the bottom to find a list of submissions from the other carnival participants.

---

I run.

I started running 9 years ago as a way to have something in common with Partner-Guy, who is a running phenom, ranking in the top 10 5km racers (in his age group) in Ontario.

But now I run for me.  I run because I am strong.  I am healthy.  I am powerful.  I am in charge of myself.  I run because running makes me into a 20-minute Superwoman.  I am Superwoman to myself.

I don't go far--only 3 to 5 km each time--and I don't go fast--my fastest time is just under 5 minutes for 1km.  But I go as hard as I can and as fast as I can and as far as I can everytime.


Some runners prefer to do a warm-up, then jog for a while and maybe pick up the pace for a few hundred meters before settling back into a jog.

Not me.

I go all out right from the start.  I run so hard that my body seems to run of its own volition.  It's exciting and exhausting, exhilarating and excruciating.  I feel like I'm going to puke and I feel like I could climb Kilimanjaro.  This is what I love about running.


I run when Partner-Guy comes home from work at around 5pm.  When my run is done, and without taking the slightest break to bask in the glow of my post-run high, I become Supperwoman.

I cook.

Yes, Supperwoman cooks every night.  There is never food on our dinner table that was prepared anywhere other than my own kitchen.  No take-out.  No delivery.  No frozen entrees from the grocery store.

You see, Superwoman and Supperwoman are closely related.  They depend on each other for nurturing, inspiration and fortitude.  In the past week, acting as Supperwoman, I've fed myself and my family curry chicken, homemade pizza, jamaican sweet potato stew, BBQ pulled pork, squash soup and honey-garlic ribs.  These meals were in addition to the bread, cookies and muffins that are always homemade.  And of course there's the canned tomato sauce and salsa, as well as the frozen vegetables I took the time to preserve this summer.  We eat well!

Superwoman depends on Supperwoman to keep her at her best.  I love me enough to take care of me by exercising and by eating top quality, healthy foods.  I treat my body with absolute respect and admiration--it birthed four babes, after all--and my body thanks me by giving me strength to do everything that I need to, day after day after day.  Taking care of my body simultaneously ministers to my heart and to my mind, also.  My fuzzy brain clears as I run.  My heart fuels with love as I feed myself with delicious, healthy food.  It's not about dieting or losing weight--it's about being my best self everyday so that my children can grow up with a mother who is always on the top of her game.

I run and I cook.

This is what self-care looks like to me.

---

Thank you for reading this post from the I Love Me! Carnival. Please take some time to read the contributions from the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated by the afternoon of October 28th with all the carnival links.)

• The Art of Being Thoughtful – Becky at Old New Legacy likes that she is mostly thoughtful but wants to become more thoughtful. She shares a story that demonstrates that giving gifts doesn't have to be expensive.
• I love me (and running)! – Sheryl of Little Snowflakes writes about her new love of running and how it has helped her learn to love herself!
• For the Love of Moe – Valerie at Momma in Progress shares her thoughts on a body forever changed, but forever loved.
• Where I Find My Worth – Sarah at Parenting God's Children shares how finding her worth in worldly things always falls short.
• Oh Yeah, I'm Cool – Tree at Mom Grooves shares her very favorite gift and the thing she most wants to pass on to her daughter.
• Loving – Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis talks about some of the things she loves about herself - some easily, and some by choice for the sake of healing.
• caught in a landslide – jaqbuncad of wakey wakey, eggs and bakey! shares a list of reasons why zie loves hir body.
• I Love Me! - A Rampage of Appreciation! – Terri at Child of the Nature Isle stops waiting for anyone else to tell her she is wonderful and goes on a rampage of appreciation for herself!
• Raising Healthy Daughters – In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Kate Wicker offers tips to pass on a healthy self-image to the young ladies in our care.
• Unexpected Benefits of a Healthy Pregnancy – How does it feel to have a healthy pregnancy? Dionna at Code Name: Mama discovers that making positive choices can be empowering.
• Filling Up Our Watering Cans – Nada at miniMOMist believes that practicing Sabbath is the same as being a gardener who lovingly tends to the flowers in her garden. She needs to fill up her watering can first.
• Better Body by Baby – Jess from Mama 'Roo and Family Too! shares how having her first baby makes her feel even more beautiful and confident about her body than ever before.
• These Breasts Were Made for Nursing – Becoming a mother helped Mandy from Living Peacefully with Children to embrace her womanhood and improve her self image.
• Yeah, I'm Pretty Cool – Amanda at Let's Take the Metro writes about her own self love and how she hopes to foster the same self-respect in her children.
• Who I've Become – The future is bright with That Mama Gretchen who shares her past and present perspective on body image and how she hopes to become a change agent with her daughter.
• Ever-Evolving Me – Joella at Fine and Fair writes to her daughter about her innate drive to continue learning, growing, and evolving.
• I love you for your mind – Lauren at Hobo Mama turns a dubious phrase on its head with a little self-loving slam poetry.
• Stop Think of Love with Your Body – Amy of Peace 4 Parents shares an exercise to gradually transition from hating to loving your body - stretch marks, sags, imperfections, and all.
• I Love Me! – Jenny @ I'm a full-time mummy shares the things that she loves about herself!
• First, I'm Superwoman. Later, I'm Supperwoman – Patti @ Jazzy Mama explains how she loves taking care of her amazing body. It birthed 4 children, after all!
• Baby Strikes A Pose – Emma from Your Fonder Heart writes about her family's decision not to let their 7 month old model, and uses the opportunity to think more deeply about girls (young and old) and how they determine their self-worth.
• Love Your Tree – How do you picture the ways your body and mind change? Amy at Anktangle writes about how trees help her have perspective about her own growth over time.
• Pumpkin Butt – Zoie at TouchstoneZ writes about how birth and pumpkins are the way to accepting her body
• I do love me – Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about the lessons about loving herself she wants to pass along to her daughter.
• Appreciating Who I Am – Linni at An Unschooling Adventure describes the things she likes about herself and the way she appreciates who she is as a person.
• I love me! : A journey – Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares her journey on arriving at the point where she can say: I love me!
• My Daughter Doesn't Care So Why Should I? – Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama calls herself on the carpet for the image of self love and beauty she portrays in front of her toddler.
• Finding out who I am – Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings shares an exercise that helped her identify positive qualities she possesses, and how that has helped her learn to love herself.

The Money Series: It Really Does Matter

Strong opinions to follow...


I was raised to believe that money doesn't matter.  That having less is better than having more.  That the pursuit of money is evil.  That getting a 'good job' and working hard is more important than happiness or fulfilment.

I was taught to believe that you should never want more money than you need to live comfortably.  That wanting to own expensive things or do expensive activities was sinful.  That it is always better to not spend than to spend.  That we should always be content no matter the difficulties of our financial circumstances.

Well you won't find me teaching those ideas to my children.


I think that having lots of money is important.


There, I said it.


I think that the purpose of our Lives here on Earth is to, each of us, reach our full potentials.  It is our Life's Work to express our greatest joy, our greatest creativity, our greatest passions.  Indeed, it is the responsibility of each adult and child to pursue that which is our truest expression of our Selves.  We are required to become all that we are capable of being.  To do so is to give meaning to our Lives.


And you know what?  It's really hard to become all that we are capable of being when we are hungry, sick or working our asses off at a job that we hate just to pay the bills for a meagre existence.


There's a bit of an attitude among 'natural' parents that we are (or should be) all making sacrifices for the benefit of our children:  giving up a second income to stay home with the babies, giving up take-out to buy organic fruits, cancelling cable TV to have more money for natural health services.  There's even a bit of a sanctimonious snobbery about being 'poor' for the benefit of our families, that we are willing to give up income to have time with our children.


Why does it have to be one or the other?


I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting more money.  I'm not talking about devoting your life to making money.  I'm talking about pursuing more wealth for the purpose of creating a fuller, richer life for yourself and your children.  I'm talking about finding your passion and turning it into an income and inspiring others to do the same thing.


I'm not going to be a mother who raises my children and then spends my senior years talking about all the sacrifices I made for them.  I'm no martyr.  I intend to live up to my full potential right now, not at some point in the distant future when my children don't need me anymore.  They need me to be all that I can be right now.  I want to live in abundance and follow my passions and I want to give my children every opportunity to live in abundance and follow their passions.  And you know what?  To do that requires material wealth.


Does any of this resonate with you?  
Are you ready to give up the idea that you "really don't mind" making sacrifices?
I'd love to hear what you think.

Are you Achieving Your Full Potential?

I haven't achieved my full potential yet.  But I'm seriously working it.

I think all of us are born with the possibility of fulfilling our full potential. Babies are born wired for learning and children are naturally curious and eager to figure out the world around them. The more we learn and the more we explore, the closer we get to our full potential. Inherent in this process is the need to feel joy in the experience of learning and doing. A child who finds something she loves to do will be completely devoted to the task, fulfilling her brain's desire to learn, and her heart's desire for joy.


Many things get in the way of achieving our potential. I used to think that a strong brain was the most important component for success, but I have learned that intellect is not the key element in determining whether or not a person can achieve her full potential. More important than the brain is the heart.

The heart must be free experience joy. For it is in experiencing JOY that we find our full potentials. This seems simple, but I think that actually very few of us have grown up with a heart that is free to experience JOY. A baby who is left to cry alone in a crib is not experiencing JOY, and it will take time for her heart to heal from that trauma so that she can again seek her full potential. A child whose parent controls every aspect of her life--clothes, food, friends, activities--cannot fulfill her potential because she is not free to explore. A child who learns that her behaviour must be pleasing to adults is stifled because she has not learned how to make choices that please herself.

Many parents think that their children will more likely make a BAD choice than a GOOD one if given the opportunity. But a parent who trusts her children will empower her with knowledge and opportunity and then trust her to make a good choice for herself.  And if the child makes a choice that she discovers is not in her own best interests, the parent must still offer unconditional love and offer support and help.

I need regular reminders to not to get in the way of my children's innate ability to achieve their full potentials. It is not my job to make them into people who will eventually reach their potential. They are able to reach it everyday, as long as I am not stifling them with control or unreasonable expectations.  I must leave room for their joy every day, at every opportunity.

To achieve my full potential, I am opening my heart to joy.  I am forgiving past hurts and letting go of the guilt I feel about my own mistakes.  I am breaking down walls around my heart to allow myself to fully experience my full range of emotions, and to truly empathize with the feelings of those I love.  I am opening my eyes to find ways to connect with adversaries and I am opening my mind to new ideas and experiences.  I am letting go of so, so many fears.  I am accepting myself.

What are you doing to create a home where everyone can achieve their full potential?

Gender Fluidity, The Genderless Baby and Raising my Son

If I were reading about a mother who didn't want to raise a son (as you have been for the last week), I would probably be thinking this:  Lady, you are pathetic.  You have a healthy, growing, thriving little boy.  There are mothers all over the world who have buried their sons, yet you are so selfish that you wish you had had another daughter?  Get over it.

Yeah, I'd be pretty judgemental.  I get it that I am privileged to even have the opportunity to reflect on why I find it difficult to raise a son.  Still, how much worse of a mother would I be if I didn't reflect on my feelings and direct my thoughts toward investigating my attitude and healing my past (from which my attitudes come)?

And so I will finish these reflections on gender with the following thoughts:

In May, The Toronto Star ran a story about a couple who are refusing to reveal the gender of their baby in order for the child to grow up without all the stereotypes associated with gender.

I think they are brilliant.

I had first read about gender fluidity (for children) in April and I was really intrigued by it.  When I read about Baby Storm who is being raised by possibly the most open-minded, loving, accepting parents on the planet I was absolutely thrilled to learn that there are parents who are so incredible.

I am simply not even mature enough to embrace what they have done--prevent gender stereotyping by not divulging the gender of their baby.  But I get it.  I totally get it.

You see, I just don't think that sex and gender matter.  At least, not when it comes to how I want to raise my children.  I don't believe that the stereotypical 'male' and 'female' behaviour that people are so quick to observe in my children actually have anything to do with sex or gender.

My daughters love to wear dresses.  They choose pink and purple clothing when we go shopping.  They love their Barbie dolls.

AND, they refuse to wash or comb their hair.  All 3 of them.  They play in mud.  Often.  They ride on Tonka trucks down our sloping driveway, slamming their feet into the sidewalk just inches before they would shoot out onto the road.  They climb trees.  They delight in feeding bugs and worms to the chickens.

They are active, curious, busy children and I don't see that any of their behaviours are related to how they identify themselves as girls.  And I don't see that any of my son's behaviours are related to being a boy.  He is simply growing up the best way he knows how in the environment that he was born into.

The boundaries that I place on Julian will be the same as the boundaries I place on my daughters.  We don't tolerate aggression.  We don't act with prejudice, arrogance or ignorance.  We show kindness and compassion to our family, friends, neighbours and acquaintances.  We value patience, fulfillment, safety and good health.  We choose to live in Freedom and Joy.

What if my son starts hitting or biting?  Well, so what.  One of my daughters went through a brief aggressive period.  We responded with patience and understanding;  she doesn't hit or bite anymore.  What if my son wants to play with cars and trucks and trains?  Well, he can if he wants.  He can also play with Playmobil and Duplo and My Little Ponies and Barbies and whatever he wants.  What if my son wants to wear dresses and hair barrettes?  Okay.  He likely won't forever.

Meeting Julian's needs and guiding him as he grows are my main objectives.  I will do this by authentically getting to know him and observing carefully as he signals his needs to me.  I will listen carefully to him and to his sisters throughout their lives and I will give them my unconditional, unequivocal love and devotion.

That's all.
I'm done talking about gender.
For now.
**********************************

PART 1:  Disappointment after my Son's Birth
PART 2:  Gender Stereotypes
PART 3:  6 Reasons I did Not Want a Boy

Talking to The Organic Sister: Part 3

Either Blogger or Feedburner has been randomly sending out some of my old posts.  I am not trying to be a self-promoting megalomaniac (at least, not this time) and I apologize for filling your inbox inadvertently.  Hopefully the problem is now fixed.
***********************************************************************************

I've had a 3rd phone call with Tara from The Organic Sister.  She's my life coach and I couldn't be more pleased with her help and direction.

This turned out to be a particularly difficult phone call--not because of the subject matter but because I was unable to fully focus on what Tara was saying because both Julian and Jasmine were demanding my attention.  Usually I have been able to keep them occupied in the bath with their dad during my conversations with Tara, but this time Jasmine was feeling sick and needed her mommy and Julian followed her lead.  I cut the conversation short but at least Tara was able to give me some things to think about.

I've been working through her e-book "Digging Deep" (you can check my side bar for an affiliate link to purchase it).  I wanted to talk about some of my negative core beliefs and what is the story behind them.  One of the core beliefs I hold is that I am alone because I have chosen a parenting path that is apart from the mainstream.

Tara challenged me to examine why I think I am alone.  She pointed out that there are lots of parents who have embraced unschooling and natural parenting so the truth is not that I am alone, but only that I am living in isolation from other parents who share my values and that it has been my choice to do so.  Tara suggested that there was probably a deeper core belief behind the victim statement I am alone.

She was right.

As I continued to dig deeper I ran into other negative core beliefs that were propping up my belief that I was alone.

I am unlovable.
I always do the wrong thing.
Life is supposed to be hard for me.

The e-book has a whole chapter on how to reframe negative core beliefs and how to create positive affirmations.  This has helped me a lot.

I am unlovable becomes I am able to accept many different expressions of love from different people.


I always do the wrong thing becomes I know how to choose Freedom and Joy in my relationships and in my work.
Life is supposed to be hard for me becomes I live authentically for myself.

Tara also challenged me to really LISTEN to my children and my partner as they express their needs, to stop filtering their needs through my own negative core beliefs and to give myself more freely to them.  What suddenly awakened in me with this challenge was the awareness that I had been treating my family in ways that I did not feel on the inside.  For example, Partner-Guy phoned me from work one day this week and I was genuinely thrilled to hear from him (since he hardly ever calls me) but instead of listening to him and reflecting my pleasure at how he had thought of me, I was grumpy and complaining.  Why would I do that?  What was holding me back from responding to him with the Joy and Affection that I was feeling?

In the e-book Tara suggests practicing Positive Affirmations verbally, visually, audibly and emotionally.  I have been repeating my affirmations to myself at night in bed also aloud throughout the day whenever a situation demanding my patience or attention arises.  I am learning how to take care of myself and make sure my own needs are met.  I am practicing loving my children more wholly.  I am listening without judgement.  I am re-evaluating my perceptions and interpretations of events.
 
I am digging deep.  And I am liking what I am finding.
 
How about you?  Are you ready to Dig Deep?

On Advocating for Children and Compassionate Parenting

It's all about LEARNING this week.  For me, anyway. 

I am really seeking a way out of the confusion I feel about wanting to advocate for compassionate parenting in spite of my utter aversion to mainstream parents and kids.

I've been talking to The Organic Sister about it (Tara is my Life Coach).
I've been reading about adout advocacy on other mother-blogs.  (And do visit Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment.  She's Canadian!)
I've been re-reading the books that challenged me to get authentic in the first place:  Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort and Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.
I've been thinking about my prior involvement with La Leche League and my reasons for wanting to get back into being a Leader.

And then I found this on the Mothering website:

...your intolerance is typical in the early phases of learning. As you become more rooted in yourself, it would be easier to be at peace with the way other parents are and be nurturing rather than judgmental. You already recognize their innocence. Now it is time for you to realize your own innocence in judging them in your mind. In the moment your mind judges them, you are doing to them (in your mind) the same thing they do to their children (innocently.) Eventually, you will learn to use your parenting skills in relating to these well intentioned parents.

Peace comes when you live only your own life, and work on your own inner peace with however the world is. You may still choose to stay away from certain families for your child’s sake, but with no ill feelings.

The more open your loving heart is and the more you use your parenting skills in relating to other parents, the more they are likely to want what you have to offer and learn. Most, however, won’t follow your path; just like children, they follow their own.

These are the words of Naomi Aldort who has already been such an important mentor in my life.  And this advice goes exactly with I talked to Tara about last week.

Such wonder!  It's all coming together and I feel like great things are about to happen.

A Good Read

For Christmas Partner-Guy gave me True Compass, a memoir by Edward M. Kennedy. It was a surprisingly good choice for me as I had been very interested in watching his biography on TV shortly after his death last fall. In fact, beginning with the bibliography, I read all 514 pages between Christmas Day and New Year's Day.

I'm neither a fan nor a follower of American politics and I don't have any particular fascination with the Kennedy family, but what pulled me into the book immediately was the first 120 pages where Teddy describes what day-to-day life was like growing up in his family where he was the youngest of nine children. He says:

We depended on each other....We learned from and taught one another.
We worshipped with one another. We loved one another. We were
mutually loyal, even as we were mutually competitive, with an intensity that
owed more to joy than to an urge for dominance. These values flowed into
us [from our parents]....They helped us form bonds among one another, and to
develop personalities based on those bonds, to an extent that remains to this
day under-appreciated by the chroniclers of my family. They sustain me
still. They lie at the heart of the story I wish to tell. ( page 18)

Now of course when one writes a memoir, one can include, omit, embellish and gloss over events and relationships to suit the impression one wants to give the reader. But even if Teddy has embellished the nature of his family relationships, they are still fascinating to read about and ponder. Are larger families more likely to produce stronger bonds between siblings because there is simply less individual attention from parents? What makes older children feel the weight of being a (good) role model for the younger siblings?

In a further description of the role of his family of origin as the solid foundation of his life, Teddy says:

We knew that we could always come home, that we could make mistakes, get
defeated, but when all was said and done, we would be respected and appreciated
at home. Dad [Joseph P. Kennedy] himself had no fear because he knew in
his heart that he was working hard for the family; he was doing everything he
possibly could to show us how to lead constructive lives. But at the
end of the day, it was up to each of us to carry out what he'd taught us.
(page 31)

More to ponder. Am I doing anything to show my children how to lead constructive lives? Am I even doing anything constructive with my life?

A further passage that stuck in my mind is where Teddy describes the Christian principle which guided his personal and political lives.

My own center of belief, as I matured and grew curious about these things, moved
toward the great Gospel of Matthew, chapter 25 especially, in which [H]e calls
us to care for the least of these among us, and feed the hungry, clothe the
naked, give drink to the thirsty, welcome the stranger, visit the
imprisoned....To me, this perspective on my faith has almost literally been a
lifesaver. It has given me strength and purpose during the greatest
challenges I have faced,.... (pages 29-30)

My faith, and the love of following its rituals, has always been my foundation and my inspiration. those foundations have been shaken at times by tragedy and misfortune, but faith remains fixed in my heart, as it has been since my childhood days. It is the most positive force in my life and the cause of my eternal optimism. I have fallen short in my life, but my faith has always brought me home. (page 505)

And certainly it seems that during Senator Kennedy's long tenure in politics, the causes that he gave the most attention always involved civil rights, health care, the rights of workers and responsible economic development. I admire it. Is it easier or harder for a rich person to stand up for the rights of the poor and disenfranchised? And to say that his life was shaken by tragedy is such a massive understatement. Of 9 siblings, only 5 lived into their 40s. And yet through it all it seems that the Senator was able to maintain both his personal and professional visions of what is right and good and purposeful.

Ultimately, the book is very encouraging and leaves one with a positive sense that perseverance coupled with the setting of high standards of personal achievement will produce a fulfilling life. Perhaps even a life where one attains one's full potential.

Real Learning

On December 28 we went to the Holiday Inn in Burlington to spend the night in honour of Holly's 4th birthday which was on New Year's Eve. She had requested this trip in lieu of a gift and she was familiar with this hotel as we have stayed there before when Partner-Guy ran a race in Burlington. The highlight of the trip for her was going to be swimming in the hotel pool and eating at the buffet.

So swim we did. Four times in just under 24 hours in fact.

Our girls have had lots of experiences at our local school-pool which is open for public swimming on Saturday afternoons. They have consistently declined to participate in swimming lessons, which is fine with us, although I thought after seeing how well their boy-cousins (ages 9 and 6) can swim that they might have asked to learn, but so far they have been content to splash around in the shallow end and to jump into the water only when caught by their parents. Holly enjoys jumping into deeper water and playing with her dad, while Anna prefers to play independently with flutter boards and to jump into water that will not be over her head. Jasmine is content to just be carried around.

One of the lifeguards at the local pool is a former student of mine, a very nice young man now in his second year studying engineering at U of T. He has always been friendly to us and our daughters and many times he has tried to encourage Anna to jump into deeper water or to try to swim with the flutter board. Anna is totally not interested in his approach and though he is genuine and sincere in his efforts to help her, I have had to tell him that we aren't interested in pushing her to learn how to swim. I told him, "She will learn when she's ready and motivated. There's no hurry. She's only 5." He laughed. "Only 5?! I teach swimming to 5-year-olds who can swim across the deep end." I had to respond, "It's not a competition."

And truly that is how I feel about it. Childhood is not a competition to see whose kids can whiz through their milestones the fastest. It is important to me that all of my children become proficient swimmers, both for safety and for recreation. But like learning to walk or to eat with a fork, I believe that they will learn to swim through practice, not through formal lessons. And should one of them demonstrate a great interest and proficiency in swimming, then we will seek someone with a greater skill than either Partner-Guy or I possess to help our daughter achieve her full potential in swimming. Just like we would do if one of them is a gifted artist or musician or gardener or humanitarian.

Nevertheless, I admit that it is sometimes hard to see other children, Anna's age or only slightly older, who are incredibly proficient at a learned skill such as swimming. There was one boy at the hotel pool, perhaps only six or seven years old, who was swimming alone in the deep end while his father sat in a lounge chair reading the newspaper. That father won't win any parenting awards from me, but I was pretty impressed by the skill and confidence of the boy as he swam and dove.

By our third trip to the hotel pool Anna was becoming frustrated that the water got deep very quickly, resulting in a very small shallow end in which to play independently. Partner-Guy and I were also getting a little tired of having to constantly hold both Jasmine and Holly who could not touch the bottom at all. We had tried putting them in life jackets on other occasions, but life jackets are not designed for swimming in and the girls find them very uncomfortable. In a sudden burst of brain-power I thought of tying a pool-noodle under the arms of each girl to make them more buoyant.

Well, what an inspiration that turned out to be. Anna and Holly could each jump in without needing to be caught and it only took Jasmine a minute to figure out that she could dog-paddle herself from one side to the other (a distance of about 12 feet) and then turn around and paddle back.

Suddenly everyone was swimming. Anna decided that she could jump into deep water since she would come right back up and her confidence soared. She began racing with Jasmine from opne side of the pool to the other shouting "I can swim. Look at me! I'm swimming!" And Holly would stand on the side of the pool and fall in backwards, creating a huge splash and loving every minute of it. Sometimes Holly's confidence and bravado are bigger than her skill, but this was one time when it all came together perfectly.

The suddenness with which all three girls were confidently and independently swimming (albeit with the help of pool noodles) gave me a real insight into the importance of trust as a factor in our relationship with life and learning. For us as parents to decide that it is important to us that our children become good swimmers and then to not seek any formal instruction requires a substantially high degree of trust that they will each someday become motivated and ready to swim independently. But it also requires a big dose of involvement. Dropping a child off at a one-hour swimming lesson is a very different kind of commitment to their learning than actually being in the pool with the child every Saturday afternoon. Partner-Guy and I aren't heroes, but we certainly aren't side-line parents, either.

So the mini-holiday at the Holiday Inn was a great success. Holly swam to her full heart's content, and Anna and Jasmine also had a lot of fun. And we the parents got to experience the joy of seeing the enthusiasm and confidence of our children in all of its realness. What a treat.

Joy Stealer

There have been many joy-stealers who have entered then been booted from my life. While I fundamentally believe that joy is found within myself, and that I create my own joy, there are always those who find their mission in raining on my parade, stealing my thunder, taking the wind out of my sails, seeking my specific company for their misery.

Well, no more, I declare.

And the lesson for me, in making that declaration, is to not be the joy-stealer of my children.

This morning I put on my running shoes for the first time in 9 months (gasp!) and loaded Jasmine into the jogging-stroller for 5 laps around the block. As I limped back up our driveway, the sky opened and rain plummetted down for about 20 minutes. When it finished, Anna and Holly, still in pajamas, ran out the back door yelling, "Dad, Dad!! Help us find the biggest puddle!!"

This is the joy of childhood. Splashing in puddles. Whooping and screaming as the cool, dirty water spills into their Crocs. Scooping the water out of the little splash-pool with their hands, running across the lawn and 'watering' my already-soaked flower beds.

"Look Mom! We're giving your garden a drink!!"

And then Jasmine, who had been practically head first into the splash-pool, comes toddling over. For her, the word 'drink' means 'nurse', and suddenly she remembers that she is thirsty for mama. Still sweating and soggy, I accomodate.

Joy. It's all joy. Their behaviour is my delight, and I must not think about the muddy pyjamas and the trampled garden. They are doing science. They are investigating nature. They are loving life. Loving each other.

Curiosity is joy. Learning is joy.

So it is my job to stay out of the way of their joy. I must trust their joy. The fullness of their joy should be all the validation I need to show me that they are reaching their full potentials. When I embrace their joy, the garden and the pyjamas cease to matter and instead I have peace. How incredible that for me, embracing my children's joy brings peace. The same peace that I felt in the darkness cradling my newborn Jasmine. It is a peace that I didn't even know existed, and that I didn't even know I was craving. The gift of children is joy. The gift of parents is peace.

I must actively make myself talk less to my children. Less criticism. Less praise. Less commentary. Less explanation. More listening. More observing. More enjoying. More peace. This is what I am striving for. This is me, staying out of the way of my daughters' authenticity. I will not be the joy-stealer in their lives.

In the Spring, the mind turns to Thoughts of......

Not much of a green thumb am I, but yesterday the girls came home from the grocery store with $20-worth of assorted seeds, and I am not going to let them go to waste. Anna's criteria for picking the seeds seems to have been related to the vividness of the flowers pictured on the package. And it seems that Holly grabbed whatever was within her reach. So we'll be planting 3 varieties of sunflowers, some pink petunias, purple violas and multi-coloured sweet williams, which apparently won't bloom until next year. Sigh.

If it had been up to me, I would have bought violets and impatiens, already sprouted and blooming. Much easier to plant flowers than seeds.

I read the back of each little packet to see what kind of sun requirements are necessary, and I think I have a fairly reasonable plan for where each flower will be planted. I want Anna and Holly to see that I will give this my best attempt, and frankly, watching seeds grow is pretty exciting stuff. Science is everything, after all.

So this morning I put Jasmine in a carrier on my back and headed out to the shed to locate the wagon, buried under deck chairs and seat cushions. We walked to Home Depot, selected a few planter boxes to hang off the deck, and found some appropriate soil. I had to ask one of the employees to load up my wagon, which he then pulled up the cash register for me. When he offered to follow me to my car to help me load the bags in, I had to explain that I was only walking a couple of blocks, and he offered his best wishes that my wagon would hold up all the way home. It did.

I have to add here that people of all ages point and stare at Jasmine when she's in the carrier. I think babies in strollers must be invisible, because when Jasmine is up at eye level she attracts so much attention! I'm not sure if it's because she is just SO CUTE, or if people are stunned that I can carry at 20 lb child on my body, or if it's because just the sight of a mother carrying her baby is so unusual, or because the girls and I are just busy doing our thing and Jasmine is happy to be along for the ride. I don't know. But it's interesting.

Anyway, I', waiting for the warm weather in a couple of days before I plant the seeds. I sunflowers are going along the front fence near the side walk so that I can tie them up to fence if they actually grow. I'll also plant some near the fence at the end of the driveway.The petunias are going in the planter boxes on the deck railing and the violas are going in a hanging basket. The sweet williams are going to be planted near the air conditioner and along the front of the house, although those areas don't get much sun, so we'll just have to see how they do. In my raised garden in the backyard I plan to plant some lettuce and some climbing beans. In the past, I've had good luck growing lettuce. Hopefully this year I'll remember to harvest it before it gets big and bitter.

I had hoped to convert my entire front yard into a vegetable garden, but a little research revealed that a garden planted under two towering Manitoba Maple trees is doomed to failure. Too bad, because I was really ready to embrace the 'Food not Lawns' manifesto.

When the East York Farmers' Market opens in May I will be able to buy some basil and parsley plants which will also be planted in containers on the deck. I'd like to harvest and freeze some herbs throughout the summer.

So let the growing season begin!! I'm dreaming of my someday-farm and growing vegetables and (hopefully) having an orchard. Dreaming is so much less work than doing......

And then my stars aligned....

The Universe has thrown me a smile this week.

Out of the blue, a woman phoned me yesterday, having found my name on the La Leche League website. I'm not sure how she chose me out of 50 or 60 other women who represent the organization in Toronto. She said that she was from a company which represents large corporate clients and provides learning sessions for their employees. She went on to explain that at an upcoming session they would be exploring 'the nurturing and protection of human life' and would I be able to speak for 20-30 minutes about the role of breastfeeding as a form of nurturing. Would I?

This is a huge opportunity for me. So exciting!! I get to talk about mothering. I get to talk about how the natural biology of breastfeeding is best for the social, emotional and physical development of human infants. I get to talk about how, in a formula-feeding culture, there is a better way, a higher standard, an enlightened approach to raising our children.

It's funny that for the last several months I have been complaining about how I feel so limited by the LLL organization. I often feel like I can only talk about breastfeeding in the sense of 'how to', rather than talk to mothers about tapping into their instincts and teaching them how to be empathic parents. And now because of my involvement with LLL, I will have the opportunity to take the conversation to the next level and really explain the importance of trust and attachment in our relationships with our children.

So for the next couple weeks I will be using my blog to create my presentation. I already have a general outline in my mind, but I will have to wait to find out a few key details about the who will be in the audience. In particular, I am aware that the subject of breastfeeding is highly emotionally charged--there are likely to be women in the audience who chose to formula-feed, or who were told that they 'couldn't' breastfeed, or who even tried to breastfeed but were not successful. I don't want to raise their ire, but I also don't want to downplay how important breastfeeding is, not just as a way to nourish a baby, but as a fundamental part of the relationship between mother and baby.

I also have to add how excited I am that I am going to be paid for my presentation. Yippee!! This is exactly what I want to pursue as a new career: parenting coach. Imagine being paid to teach people how to be better attached to their kids. It could be the start of a revolution in parenting......

Smarter than the Other Kids

During a recent conversation with my father I mentioned something about the Gifted Classes I had attended during my middle school years and he commented that he never thought that identifying a child as 'gifted' was a good idea because (his words) "It's not good for kids to think they're smarter than other kids." I don't know whether or not he's right, but I had to laugh about his comment, because it didn't take me until Grade 7 (when I began attending weekly Gifted Classes) to figure out that I was smarter than other kids. It happened in Grade 1. Here's the story.

I was in Grade 1 in 1981, in a little country school that housed only one class each of Kindergarten, Grade 1 and Grade 2. The Grade 1 and 2 classrooms were side by side, with no wall dividing the two rooms, although there was very little interaction between the two grades. As was typical of the times, the students were separated into reading groups based on ability level, and whether the group was called the Blackbirds, the Sparrows, the Blue Jays or the Crows, we all knew which one was the smart group, and which one was the dumb group. I wasn't in any of the groups~~I did my reading activities as part of a group in the Grade 2 room, so I already knew I was ahead of the other Grade 1s. But that isn't the whole story.

I specifically remember that we were reading out of leveled readers. The reading assignments were printed on glossy card stock and kept in a big box. There were approximately 20 levels and each level had its own colour, with maybe 10 little assignments at each level. The lowest level had stories in big print, only 50-100 words long, with just a few short questions based on content. The harder levels were much longer and had more difficult questions, requiring the reader to make connections and predictions and to do some critical thinking and analysis.

I recall that I was assigned to complete the readers in the middle of the box. We were required to read all 10 readers before moving up to the next level. One day when my work was done, I went to the box and plucked out the very last reader at the highest level. I took it to my desk and read the whole thing, answering the questions in my head. It was about Mozart, and the colour of the level was silver~~such details I can remember!! When I was finished, I put it back in the box and waited for an opportunity to talk to the Grade 2 teacher. (Remember that I was only in Grade 1, but doing my reading in the Grade 2 room.)

The Grade 2 teacher was someone who I really liked. She was an older woman, near retirement, and she had taught both of my older siblings. Not only that, but she was also my mother's brother's wife's mother, making her the grandmother of some of my cousins, so I kind of felt like she was almost family, and she and I should have some understanding of each other.

"Mrs. Adams, " I said, "Do I have to finish reading all the readers before I move up to the next level?"

"How many have you finished?" asked Mrs. Adams.

"Only 2," said I, "but I can already read the readers at the highest level."

Mrs. Adams spoke words that I will never forget. "You. Can. Not."

She didn't believe me. It wasn't just that she wouldn't let me skip ahead. She actually didn't believe me that I could read the highest level reader. And she didn't ask me to prove it. And now that I know a lot more about how schools work, she probably didn't want me to be able to read that well. In her opinion, it was probably enough that I was reading at the Grade 2 level when I was in Grade 1. What would they do with a 6-year-old that was able to read 2 or 3 or 4 grades ahead of her peers? In 1981 the concept of 'gifted' was just coming into existence, and the teeny-tiny country school I attended certainly didn't have a program for a kid who was smarter. Makes me wonder if anyone ever said I was too smart for my own good.

Anyway, suffice to say that I didn't need to be told that I was smarter than other kids. I had it figured out pretty early. I still think I'm smarter than most other people. People who know me well, know that I think I'm smarter than most people. And it's no surprise to me that many people who figure out that I am smart are not able to be friends with me. I'm not embarrassed by being smart. Some people are good artists. Some are musically talented. Some wear great makeup and some are good listeners. I'm good at learning new things.

The cornerstone of my relationship with Partner-Guy is that he gets it that I am smart. And when he forgets it once in a while, I have no problem reminding him.

I hope my dad now thinks it OK that I know I'm smarter than other kids. Although maybe not smarter than his other kids.

Potential

I think all of us are born with the possibility of fulfilling our full potential. Babies are born wired for learning and children are naturally curious and eager to figure out the world around them. The more we learn and the more we explore the closer we get to our full potential. Inherent in this process is the need to feel joy in the experience of learning and doing. A child who finds something she loves to do will be completely devoted to the task, fulfilling her brain's desire to learn, and her heart's desire for joy.

Many things get in the way of achieving our potential. I used to think that a strong brain was the most important component for success, but I have learned that intellect is not the key element in determining whether or not a person can achieve her full potential. More important than the brain is the heart.

By this, I mean that the heart must be free experience joy. For it is in experiencing JOY that we find our full potentials. This seems simple, but I think that actually very few of us have grown up with a heart that is free to experience JOY. A baby who is left with a stranger to cry for 3 hours is not experiencing JOY, and it will take time for her heart to heal from that trauma so that she can again seek her full potential. A child whose parent controls every aspect of her life--clothes, food, friends, activities--cannot fulfill her potential because she is not free to explore. A child who learns that her behaviour must be pleasing to adults is stifled because she has not learned how to make choices that please herself.

Many parents think that their children will more likely make a BAD choice than a GOOD one if given the opportunity. But a parent who trusts her children will empower her with knowledge and opportunity and then trust her to make a good choice for herself.

When I was a little girl I learned a song that I now sing to my children (with a slight change in the lyrics:

You are a promise.

You are a possibility.

You are a promise, with a capital 'P'.

You are a great big bundle of potentiality.

And you are learning to use your voice.

And you are trying to make the right choices.

You are a promise to be everything that you want to be.

The original song, written by Gloria Gaither and sung by a child, can be seen here: I am a promise.

Singing the song to my children reminds ME not to get in the way. It is not my job to make them into people who will eventually reach their potential. They are able to reach it everyday, as long as I am not stifling them with control or unreasonable expectations. I'm just trying.

PHOTO: Jasmine the budding artist