School by Default

At least once per week since I wrote You're Not Homeschooling Because...Your Spouse is Against It, someone finds that post by doing a Google search:

• husband won't let me homeschool
• husband against homeschooling
• I want to homeschool but husband says no
• can I homeschool if my husband is against it

I totally get that a parent would not support homeschooling: choosing any path that is against the mainstream is a difficult decision.  It is hard to forge a new way.  And it is especially hard to choose NOT to do something for your children that you believe was actually really GOOD for YOU.

Even some of my friends who are pro-homeschool have chosen to send their children to school because their husbands won't accept homeschool as a viable option.

What is strange to me when spouses disagree about school vs. homeschool, is that SCHOOL always seems to be the default choice.  It is especially perplexing to me when the parents have otherwise been following many attachment parenting practices.

Should the default choice be to send small children away from all that makes them feel safe and confident?

Should the default choice be to surround small children with people who don't know anything about them?

Should the default choice be to put your unique child into an environment where conformity is demanded?

The longer I watch my children learn and mature on their own terms, the more I become surprised at the reasons why parents choose school even if they aren't sure it's the right choice.  When I imagine my authentic, creative children in an artificial and conformist environment, I cry for them.  And when I see children who were previously confident and happy but have turned both aggressive and insecure after just a short time in school, I also cry for them.  

Parents, if you are unsure whether school or homeschool is the right choice for your family, might I suggest considering the following?

1. Create a Family Mission Statement.  This means examining as a family what your priorities and values are and then deciding how to spend your time focussed on what really matters to you.
2. Define 'success'.  Look at whether your definition of FUTURE success depends on what you do right now.  For example, is your definition of success timeless, or do you define success according to age or dollar value?
3. For both School and Homeschool, describe what it will look like, sound like and feel like for EACH member of the family.  This is SO important...
4. Answer the question "What will this decision COST me?"  Financially?  Letting go of fears?  Family support?  Relationships?  Career?
5. Trust your child.  Love yourself.  Listen to what your child wants.  Listen to your heart.  Approve of your own decisions.  Seek support.  

I'd love to hear how YOU decided whether or not to homeschool.  What would you add to this list to help others decide what to do?

Childhood Anxiety

A Reader asked:
"Hi do you have suggestions for helping a toddler (2.5 yr old) deal with anxiety? She's scared of insects & loud noises such as the smoke alarm & vacuum cleaner. She's also recently told me she's scared of santa. Her fears seem to be increasing so I am growing concerned for her. Many thanks."

Dear Friend,
You are a conscious and thoughtful parent to see your child's distress and to seek help in healing it.  I offer you a big hug and the warmest of smiles, because I can tell that you are fully Awake and Aware in your responsibilities as a mother.

Your 2.5 year old daughter is also fully conscious and aware of her feelings and needs.  She has shown you that she is afraid of certain situations or things or sounds or people.  She has shown YOU her fears because she trusts you to protect her and to create a safe environment for her so that she can get on with the important business of her life:  exploring, learning, discovering, playing, growing and maturing.

As much as is possible, avoid situations that bring out your child's fears and anxiety.  Hold her trust in you as a sacred privilege and don't ask her to do what she is telling you she is not yet capable of handling.  She is doing the best that she can do already, based on her knowledge and experience of the world.

When she is in an unavoidable situation where she is demonstrating her anxiety, respect her authenticity by doing whatever she asks:  leaving the place or holding her or shielding her from unwanted attention.  Tell her, "Yes, I can see you are scared.  Mommy will stay with you."  Validate without adding drama.  Empathize and empower.  Do not try to talk her out of her fear or ask her to engage in an activity she is scared of.  She will learn to trust her instincts when you honour her feelings and her trust in you will deepen also.

Are you worried that she will never get over her fears or that her fears are unreasonable?

Let me share something personal:  I have been afraid of frogs ever since I accidentally stepped on one when I was about 7 years old.  I understand that they cannot hurt me, yet if someone brought one into the room this instant I would run away and hide behind a locked door.  Now imagine if the person who loves me the most in this world decided without my permission that he was going to teach me to get over my fear by regularly exposing me to frogs.  Would I get over my fear?  Maybe eventually I would.  But I would also develop a resentful attitude toward the person who did not respect my fears and who wanted to impose his own agenda on me.  I would no longer trust him to accept and love my authentic self.

Similarly, there is no reason to try to 'train' your child out of her fears, unless you want her to develop a mistrust of you or her other caregivers.  Most childhood fears will naturally dissipate as the child matures.  The fears that persist deserve to be respected and honoured.  Your relationship with your daughter is bigger and more lasting than her fears.

Offer yourself the enormous love and respect that you deserve for caring so much about your daughter.  Release your own anxiety about her fears and let yourself fall into a deep, deep trust of her and all that she communicates to you.  You are her role model and she is your mirror--when your anxiety disappears, so will hers.

For Freedom and Joy,
Patti

Why Co-Sleeping Has Always Been the Right Choice for My Family

Welcome to the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival
This post was written for inclusion in the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival hosted by Monkey Butt Junction . Our bloggers have written on so many different aspects of cosleeping. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***
Every night I think about how lucky I am to be able to watch all four of my children fall asleep. I think of how lucky I am to be able to touch all of them at the same time and know that they are peaceful, safe and warm. I remember each of their births and how I promised each one that I would always be there for them; how I promised that I would give my love freely and generously. And I think of how good it is for them to fall asleep every night comforted by the warmth and proximity of the person who loves them the most in this world.

Then last night I thought of all the mothers whose hearts must long for a simple moment like watching their children fall asleep.

• I thought of the mother whose child lays in Sick Kids Hospital, hooked up to monitors and tubes, and how she would love to have him at home in her bed where she could hold him all night long.

• I thought of the mother at Auschwitz, not knowing if her children were alive, not able to comfort or protect them.

• I thought of the desolate mother with AIDS, herself alone in a bed, unable to care for her children.

• I thought of my own mother, who buried one of her three daughters, and then kept me in her bed well past my 4th birthday, where she could hold me and know that I was safe all night.

I was struck by enormity of the privilege I hold just to be able to watch and touch my children as they drift off to sleep. It just doesn't matter where my children sleep, as long as they are sleeping where they want to sleep. Occasionally they drag out sleeping bags and line them up on the floor at bedtime.  Occasionally someone falls asleep on the couch.  Occasionally they fall asleep in carseats.  All that matters is that they feel safe and loved and happy.  Wherever they fall asleep, they know that they will wake up all together in bed with ME.  It is a surety that they all take for granted.

There are no awards for how early a child sleeps alone all night. When I am old and frail none of my children will say "Mom, thanks for making me sleep alone when I was a baby, or I might never have learned how to sleep!!" If I win the Sleep Trophy it will be because none of my children has ever cried herself to sleep.

One day they will each sleep alone.  And probably the days of crying themselves to sleep will come: boyfriends will break up with them, a loved one will die, they won't get the job they lusted after, a friend will tell them a lie.

But for as long as I can, I will make bedtime a happy event of togetherness and connection.  It is my privilege to do so.
*******
Thanks for reading a post in the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival. On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the #CosleepCar hashtag.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
***

• Emotive Co-Sleeping Campaign - Miriam at Diary of an Unconscious Mother talks about her feelings on Milwaukee’s anti-cosleeping crusade and its latest advertising campaign.
• Why Cosleeping has Always been the Right Choice for My Family - Patti at Jazzy Mama shares how lucky she feels to have the privilege of sleeping with her four children.
• Cosleeping is a safe, natural and healthy solution parents need to feel good about. - See how Tilly at Silly Blatherings set up a side-car crib configuration to meet her and her families' needs.
• Black and White: Race and the Cosleeping Wars - Moorea at Mama Lady: Adventures in Queer Parenting points out the problem of race, class and health when addressing co-sleeping deaths and calls to action better sleep education and breastfeeding support in underprivileged communities.
• Reflections on Cosleeping - Jenny at I’m a Full Time Mummy shares her thoughts on cosleeping and pictures of her cosleeping beauties.
• Cosleeping and Transitioning to Own Bed - Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine shares her experiences in moving beyond the family bed.
• What Works for One Family - Momma Jorje shares why cosleeping is for her and why she feels it is the natural way to go. She also discusses the actual dangers and explores why it may not be for everyone.
• Really High Beds, Co-Sleeping Safely, and the Humanity Family Sleeper - Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama gives a quick view of Jennifer’s bed-sharing journey and highlights the Humanity Family Sleeper, something Jennifer could not imagine bed-sharing without.
• Crying in Our Family Bed - With such a sweet newborn, why has adding Ailia to the family bed made Dionna at Code Name: Mama cry?
• Dear Mama: - Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares a letter from the viewpoint of her youngest son about cosleeping.
• Cuddle up, Buttercup! - Nada of The MiniMOMist and her husband Michael have enjoyed cosleeping with their daughter Naomi almost since birth. Nada shares why the phrase "Cuddle up, Buttercup!" has such special significance to her.
• Co-Sleeping With A Baby, Toddler, and Preschooler - Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how co-sleeping calls us to trust our inner maternal wisdom and embrace the safety and comfort of the family bed.
• Fear instead of Facts: An Opportunity Squandered in Milwaukee - Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction discusses Milwaukee’s missed opportunity to educate on safe cosleeping.
• Cosleeping: A Mini-rant and a Lovely Picture - Siobhan at Res Ipsa Loquitor discusses her conversion to cosleeping and rants a little bit about the Milwaukee Health Department anti-cosleeping campaign.
• Our Cosleeping Story - Adrienne at Mommying My Way shares her cosleeping story and the many bonus side effects of bedsharing.
• Cosleeping can be safe and rewarding Christy at Mommy Outnumbered shares how her cosleeping experiences have been good for her family.
• Adding one more to the family bed Lauren at Hobo Mama discusses the safety logistics of bed sharing with a new baby and a preschooler.
• The Truth About Bedsharing - Dr. Sarah at Parenting Myths and Facts discusses the research into bedsharing and risk - and explains why it is so often misrepresented.
• Cosleeping as a parenting survival tool - Melissa V. at Mothers of Change describes how she discovered cosleeping when her first baby was born. Melissa is the editor and a board member for the Canadian birth advocacy group, Mothers of Change.
• Dear Delilah - Joella at Fine and Fair writes about her family bed and the process of finding the cosleeping arrangements that work best for her family.
• CoSleeping ROCKS! - Melissa at White Noise talks about the evolution of cosleeping in her family.
• Safe Sleep is a Choice - Tamara at Pea Wee Baby talks about safe sleep guidelines.
• 3 Babies Later: The Evolution of our Family Bed - Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment talks about how her family’s cosleeping arrangements evolved as her family grew.
• Tender Moments - The Accidental Natural Mama discusses tender cosleeping moments.
• Cosleeping Experiences - Lindsey at An Unschooling Adventure describes how she ended up co-sleeping with her daughter through necessity, despite having no knowledge of the risks involved and how to minimise them, and wishes more information were made available to help parents co-sleep safely.
• The early days of bedsharing - Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares her early memories of bedsharing with her then new born and gets excited as she plans including their new arrival into their sleeping arrangements.
• The Joys of Cosleeping in Pictures - Charise of I Thought I Knew Mama shares pictures of some of her favorite cosleeping moments.
• Symbiotic Sleep - Mandy at Living Peacefully With Children discusses how the symbiotic cosleeping relationship benefits not only children but also parents.
• Co-sleeping Barriers: What’s Stopping You? - Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares how she was almost prevented from gaining the benefits of co-sleeping her family currently enjoys.
• Co-Sleeping with the Family Humanity Sleeper - Erica at ChildOrganics shares a way to make co-sleeping safe, comfortable and more convenient. Check out her post featuring the Humanity Organic Family Sleeper.
• Why We Cosleep - That Mama Gretchen’s husband chimes in on why cosleeping is a benefit to their family.
• Adding to the Family Bed - Darah at A Girl Named Gus writes about her co-sleeping journey and what happens when a second child comes along.

A big thank you to all of the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival participants!

Freedom without Fear

Sometimes I let my children play in our front yard.  Alone.  Unsupervised.


Occasionally a friend or family member or neighbour asks me about this practice.  They are surprised that I am not more concerned about the safety of my daughters, ages 7 1/2, 5 3/4 and 3 3/4 years.  And since I'm not concerned, I always ask "What are you worried will happen?"

Inevitably I get two responses:  That the children will get hit by a car or that one will be abducted.

Yes, I recognize the possibility that one of those two terrible events could occur.  But let's talk about them and see if we can understand those fears better.

They could get hit by a car.
Yes, they could.  If the car went out of control, mounted the sidewalk and ran through our fence.  Our street has a speed limit of 30km/h and our driveway is just 50 feet away from a stop sign, so most cars going past our house are slowing down, not travelling at high speeds.  Yes, I've heard of tragic stories where a family is on the sidewalk and is run down by a car.  I've also heard of a bus hitting a bus shelter where people were waiting.  And I've heard of children drowning in the bathtub.  And I've heard of children strapped safely into carseats who were killed in horrible collisions.  Yet, I haven't stopped walking on sidewalks or taking the bus or bathing my children or taking them out in our car.

So yes, I see the possible danger.  But it is possible.  Not imminent.


And I trust my own children.  I have been outside with them so much that I know their habits and playing styles.  I know that they won't go on the street.  I know that they won't wander down the sidewalk.  In my mind, they are as safe playing in our front yard as they are playing in the living room.

They could be abducted.
You know, I used to walk home a kilometre every day along a country road and I don't think my parents ever worried that I could be abducted.  And it's not that more children are being abducted by strangers NOW than 30 years ago.  It's more that parents are much more fearful today because when it does happen, the modern media is able to keep it in the forefront of our minds until the tragedy is concluded.

And stranger-abduction is a very, very scary possibility for any parent to imagine.  When Elizabeth Smart was abducted from her own bed and when Tori Stafford was abducted from her own school, I'm sure that each of their parents assumed their child was safe.

So why am I not afraid?  I'm not afraid because being afraid will not prevent it from happening.  And rather than scaring my children by telling them to be wary of every stranger who passes our house, I use common sense to remove my own fears.

For one thing, I have never asked my children to talk to strangers.  Now think about that for a second.  Most parents make their children answer everyone who speaks to them:  cashiers, receptionists, passengers on the bus, co-workers, teachers, etc.  Then those same parents tell their children to never talk to strangers.  How is a kid supposed to know the difference between 'good' strangers and 'bad' strangers?  To solve this conundrum, I simply never ask my children to speak to anyone if they don't want to.  I don't care if the other person is offended--I care more about the integrity of my children.

I have also made sure that my children are well acquainted with many, many of our neighbours.  They see that I am comfortable with these people, we have been in their homes and I have helped many of them or received help from them.  This type of reciprocal relationship with people who would otherwise be on the periphery of our lives teaches my children how to develop a relationship of trust with people outside of our family and close friends.  It also allows them to feel safe in their neighbourhood.

Additionally, I am totally confident that my children know their way around our community.  Many times I have let them guide us home from the playground, the toy store or the drug store.  Many times I have let them guide our walk around the neighbourhood and they always capably find their way home.  IF (and it is very unlikely) they decided to leave our property without me, I totally trust that they would stay within our immediate neighbourhood and be able to find their way home.  No, this knowledge wouldn't prevent an abduction, but it does mean that if I look out the front door and I don't see them immediately that I don't panic and phone 911.

Freedom, not Fear
Have you heard about Free Range Kids?  I like it, though I'm not there yet.  After all, my oldest child is just 7 1/2 years old, and although she is really mature and responsible for her age, she simply is not interested in going anywhere by herself for any reason whatsoever.  If the day ever comes that she says "Hey Mom!  Can I go around the corner to buy a newspaper?", I'll probably be utterly stunned.

But that's not the point.  The point is that I can't see the sense in inhibiting the free-play of my children by either keeping them indoors or by harping on them about the dangers of playing outdoors.  Do possible dangers exist?  Yes.  Do I think that they would be safer if I made them afraid of these dangers?  No.  I prefer to see their incredible joy as they revel in their constant freedom.

What do you think?  Do you feel comfortable letting your children play outdoors without hovering over them?

Authentic at 7 Years Old

My daughter Anna is a home-body. She doesn't ask to attend activities, visit friends or even to go to the playground. Every week I ask her if she'd like to go with her dad to the grocery store or swimming or to visit Granny and every week she refuses.  In the winter, she won't even go outside to play. Although she spent all last winter talking about wanting to learn how to skate, she went to the arena just once, in spite of it being offered to her twice a week..

Sometimes I let myself get really stressed about her refusal to leave the house. I sometimes believe that either there is something wrong with her or wrong with the way I am relating to her or wrong with me. I pressure her to go out and do things: grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, swimming, skating, whatever. She refuses and I get angry.

I have had to really spend some time reflecting on what was going wrong with my attitude.  How can a 7-year-old spend so much time at home?  Shouldn't she be doing activities? 

But Anna does not like new things. She does not like equipment (eg. skates). She does not like meeting new people and she especially does not respond favourably to a total stranger who is trying to teach her something. She likes to stay home. She likes her grandparents and her cousins. She likes the playground behind our neighbourhood school and she likes the convenience store behind our house. She tolerates the Science Centre and the Zoo. New places, people and activities are not a priority for her. It's not just that she's cautious in her approach to something new. She rejects even the idea of trying something new that I suggest. Not into it. At all.

When my children were infants I was confident enough in my mothering that I didn't care how many hours other babies slept at night or how much weight they were gaining or how early they walked. I didn't compare them to other people's babies.  So probably, I shouldn't compare my 7-year-old to other people's 7-year-olds.

I need to accept that it's not just that my child is normal just the way she is, she is actually better than normal because she is living her life authentically. She is just the way she is and it makes her perfectly happy. I could pressure her to try new activities, but then she would be doing it to please me, rather than being authentic. She knows what she can handle, and I have to trust her to tell me when she's ready to try something different.

As I trust her in her authenticity, maybe I'll be able to fully discover my authentic self, too.

A Week Of Secrets: #2

Psssssst......I'll tell you a secret.  But only if you promise not to tell anyone.

Partner-Guy and I haven't slept in the same bed, or even in the same room, in almost 4 years. 

And when I took this picture of Holly (5.5yrs) and Julian (11 months) a few nights ago, I really knew that NOT sleeping together was probably one of the greatest gifts we could give our children.

Cosleeping has never been an issue for either Partner-Guy or me.  When our oldest daughter Anna was born 7 years ago we had a borrowed crib set up in 'her' room, but we dismantled it at her first birthday when she had never slept in it.  Around that time we put a futon on the floor of 'her' room and I would lay down with her to go to sleep for every nap and at night. 

When Holly was born (when Anna was 20 months), Anna would go to sleep in 'her' bed while Holly slept with her two parents.  But Anna would wake up every night just after midnight and her dad would get her and put her in bed beside me and then he would go back to 'Anna's' room to sleep for the rest of the night.

By the time I was pregnant with Jasmine (now 3.5yrs) we had completely given up any idea of having a kid's bedroom and an adult bedroom.  We bought a high-quality queen-size bed to put in the smaller bedroom for Partner-Guy so that me and the girls could sleep in the king-size bed in the other bedroom.  (Note that we live in a two bedroom bungalow.) 

When Jasmine was born we simply added her to the bed.  We put a guard rail on Anna's side and a Humanity Bed on Jasmine's side.  Holly and I slept in the middle.  There simply was no issue with where everyone was going to sleep.



Photo taken about 2.5 hours after Jasmine was born.



And now we have Julian and somehow we still have space for everyone to sleep.  I know that this picture doesn't look like there is any room for me in the bed, but actually I fit just fine in the very center.  It's doable.  Everyone is happy and well-rested, and really, that's the goal, isn't it? 

When I was a La Leche League Leader I used to hear the following problem over and over from mothers:  I want to keep cosleeping but my husband/partner has had enough and wants the baby/child out of the bed.  La Leche League trains its leaders to be empathetic and gentle, but everytime I heard that problem I would just want to scream If your husband doesn't want to sleep with baby, tell him to sleep somewhere else.

OK. Not so empathetic.  I know.

The problem with the scenario the way the mothers always described it was that it was all about what SHE wanted and what HE wanted without considering what the baby wanted.  Ask yourself: What is the purpose of cosleeping?  Probably you would answer:  To make it easier for the mother to meet the baby's needs during the night with the least disruption to the sleep of the mother and the baby.  So who is not included in that scenario?  The husband/partner.

See, here's the thing:  Cosleeping is not about the spouse.  Did you get that?  COSLEEPING IS NOT ABOUT THE SPOUSE.  Cosleeping is about what is good for the baby and the mother.  If the spouse can't get a good night's sleep with the baby in the bed, he should go to another bed.** 

But I've heard all the arguments.  Let me spell them out for you.  He didn't get married so he can sleep alone.  He feels it's his right to sleep beside his mate.  He says he is building a life-long relationship with ME, not with the baby who will grow up and move out.  He won't have sex with the baby beside us.  He doesn't believe he should have to be kicked out of his own room.

Yeah.  OK.  Well, it's not about him.  Does he have to get up and go to work in the morning?  YES?  Then he is entitled to a good sleep.  And he'll get a great sleep alone in his own bed.  He'll even get up in the morning without disturbing anyone.  It's a great deal for everyone.  (And perhaps you noticed that I had baby last year but I haven't slept with my partner in almost 4 years?  It really does work out!  Really!)

So that's my 2nd secret?  What do you think?

**I've used the pronoun 'he' because although I worked with many mothers who had female partners, the cosleeping issue was only presented to me by mothers with male partners.

P.S.  Yes, I know that cosleeping is not for every mother.  No, I don't think you're a bad mother if you don't cosleep.

Homeschooling as the Next Step on the Continuum of Attachment Parenting

This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Homeschooling.  Please check out the other participants.

Recently someone was sharing with me how natural and 'easy' attachment parenting has been for her as she mothers her 4-month-old baby.  I smiled and agreed that Yes, it does make the parent's life so much easier to flow with the baby's needs.  But inside I was thinking And until what age do you intend to continue to attachment parent your child?

A bit obnoxious on my part?  Maybe.

But experience has shown me that even the most well-intentioned parents have a hard time committing to real attachment parenting after the baby-stage is over. My own experiences from 7+ years of being a mother (and I am by NO MEANS an expert) and my observations of mothers at La Leche League have taught me that the theories and practices that comprise the standard definition of 'attachment parenting' are much harder to keep in place as the baby becomes a toddler and a pre-schooler. In fact, one of the reasons why I resigned as a La Leche League leader was because I observed that many of the leaders (whose children were young like mine) were becoming more and more mainstream in their parenting practices as their children grew out of baby-hood.

When I was a new mother I thought I had a handle on the definition of attachment parenting. I had read the book by US paediatrician William Sears in which he set out a list of guidelines to describe attachment parenting. Generally speaking, his guidelines include:

Gentle birth
Breastfeeding on demand and child-led weaning
Babywearing
Bed-sharing
Immediate response to crying
Minimal separation of mother and baby

I followed these guidelines to a 'T' with Anna. In fact, there was no other way to care for Anna, as she cried whenever I put her down, she slept for no more than 45 minutes in the day before waking to nurse, and she would not stay with her dad for more than a few seconds if I left the room. I came to believe that attachment parenting meant having the child physically ON the mother, since even at 2 years old, Anna refused to be away from me for even a few minutes.

My understanding of attachment parenting began to change bit by bit when I started to ponder and research homeschooling. It was around Anna's 2nd birthday that I first began to think about homeschooling after a friend I had met at La Leche League told me that her husband was opposed to sending their daughter to school. I contacted the only person I knew at that time who was homeschooling, and she sent me the links to a variety of websites that she had found useful when she began homeschooling. I read through them, but nothing seemed to 'click' with me. Eventually, I ran across the term 'unschooling' and that eventually led me to the term 'authentic parenting'.

What I learned was that although I was following all the 'attachment parenting guidelines', I was doing it only for superficial reasons: I believed that by doing the things that Dr. Sears recommended (and La Leche League, also) I was a better mother than the cry-it-out, pro-daycare, pro-timeout crowd. Really, I had completely missed the point. I had been using a strategy but I had not fully committed to the essence of attachment which is the relationship.

I discovered unschooling through the website of Jan Hunt. It contains a wealth of articles by Hunt and others on parenting, health, learning and relationships. Jan Hunt's book is called The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart. She renames attachment parenting 'empathic parenting' and she describes it thus:

We understand that all children are doing the very best they can at every given moment.

We trust that though children may be small in size, they deserve to have their needs taken seriously.

We know that it is unrealistic to expect a child to behave perfectly at all times.

We recognize that "bad behaviour" is the child's attempt to communicate an important need in the best way she can.

We learn to look beneath a child's outward behaviour to understand what he is thinking and feeling.

We see that in a very beautiful way, our child teaches us what love is.

When reading through this list of 'guidelines' it is easy to see how they apply to children of any age. Unlike the list of guidelines from Dr. Sears, these principles focus on a way of being in a relationship with a child. Jan Hunt says in her book that people either 'get it' about children, or they don't. It is only recently that I have begun to 'get it'. Trusting and respecting the emotions and actions of children all the time is a completely new way of thinking for me. It involves letting go of my pre-conceived ideas and making myself vulnerable to the needs of my children. Hunt offers me a challenge as opposed to the Dr. Sears list which offered only a strategy.

Authentic Parenting is described and taught by Naomi Aldort in her book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. In the introduction she says

You will learn to nurture [your child] without shaping, like a gardener who waters flowers, but doesn't help them open nor choose their shapes or colors....

In this book you will learn to let go of your armour and let love flow through you with no strings attached.

If we want our future as humanity to look different than how it looks now, we need to allow our children to create it out of who they are and not out of who we want them to be.

Parenting is a path of maturation and growth if we dare to learn more and teach less. When you have the courage to stop defending the way you are, or the way your parents raised you, you can open up to the possibility that you are much greater and more magnificent and capable than you thought you were. (excepts from pages xv, xvi and xvii)

Reading these words was a lightbulb-moment for me. It made sense. It explained what was missing from my strategy for attachment parenting. It opened my mind and my heart to what was wrong with me instead of focusing on what I perceived to be wrong with my child. It gave me the courage to change.

Once I began to focus more on my relationship with my children, and less on trying to achieve a particular result with them, I was finally able to take a deep breathe and relax into my mothering role. It was no longer a persona and I began to experience more joy and freedom. By the time Jasmine joined our family I had fully made the switch in my mind from attachment parenting as a strategy to attachment parenting as a relationship. In fact, I felt that Jasmine's birth was like a renewal for my relationships with Anna and Holly. I felt like I was getting a fresh start, and as I looked for and met Jasmine's needs I learned to look for and meet Anna and Holly's needs in the same authentic way.

And this is why I am skeptical about people who embrace the principals of attachment parenting with their infants but who have a vision of the future with their children that includes pre-school or daycare or sleep-training or punishments or rewards or public school or schedules or any activities that require an otherwise dependent child to become prematurely independent.

Quite frankly, it's not easy to offer trust and respect to children all day, everyday, especially when they are no longer tiny and helpless. A daughter who refuses to help clean up her dolls or another daughter who screams at her father for serving her food with the wrong sauce do not necessarily inspire consistent kindness and patience, trust and respect. It's hard.

But it's worth it.

Focusing on the relationship instead of the behaviour removes the aspect of blame and maintains the equilibrium within the family. Attachment parenting is not a set of strategies. It is a way of life. It is a way of living with children. It is a way of loving that maximizes joy and freedom.

I'm learning. And I'm trying to share my experiences with anyone who wants to learn too.

Reconnect with your Kids

Do you ever feel disconnected from your kids, even if you're a stay-at-home-mom?

I admit that I do sometimes. When I was pregnant with Jasmine I went back to work for 4 months and then I was off work for about 6 weeks before she was born.  I was aware during that time that my absence from Anna and Holly (then 3.5 years and almost 2 years) had created a chasm in the closeness that I had previously enjoyed with them.  I had to really seek that connection because I was worried that after the baby was born I'd have an even harder time getting it back.

But even now that I haven't worked in over 3 years, I still notice that occasionally I feel distant with one or another of my children.  It could be that one has reached a milestone of independence that I am finding hard to accept.  Or it could be that my mind is stuck on an (inappropriate) expectation that one of them is not fulfilling.  Or it could be that I am feeling frustrated that someone has returned to needing me in a way that she had previously given up.  I've come to realize that just being with my kids is not enough to create a solid connection on a daily basis. I have to work at maintaining that same bond that I felt when they were tiny infants in my arms.  I have to let go of any preconceived idea of who they are meant to be and just let my love flow for who they are now.

If you are feeling a lack of connection with your child, here are three little steps you can take to re-establish a fulfilling bond.  A daily dose of these three actions will help your relationship with your child whether she is 3 years old or 13 years old.

Affection  Remember how you couldn't get enough of your baby--stroking his cheek and kissing his toes and rubbing his smooth little back?  No matter what age your child is now, he still needs your physical closeness.  If you don't normally offer a hug first thing in the morning, start today.  Cuddle up together to read a favourite story.  If a lot of touch with your older child is outside of your comfort zone (or hers) start with getting permission:  Would you like a back-scratch before you go to bed?  Can I hug you before I go out?  And if your child initially resists, ask again the next day.  Persist.  If the goal is to connect, accept that it may take time.

Affirmation  You've heard of the expression Find a child doing something right?  Find lots of nice things to say to your child.  Keep your thoughts of criticism or correction to yourself.  Focus on anything positive.  Compliment your teenager's outfit.  Tell your preschooler you're proud of him.  Give your child credit for remembering something or solving a problem or finishing a task.  And make sure to smile and make eye contact.  Get down on her level and make sure she sees your face when you say something kind to her.

Activities  Do something with your child that you know he will love (that doesn't involve spending money).  Instead of dropping him off at swimming lessons, stay and watch (and don't offer any critique).  Make yourself more available for spontaneous family time.  Insist on family meals.  Refuse to answer the phone or check your messages for a whole day, or whenever you are in the presence of your child.  And don't turn your time together into the 'teachable moment';  just be together.

When your child's behaviour repels you, draw close to that child.

I'm not sure where I read that, but I know it to be true.  There have been times throughout the seven years that I've been a mother that I have felt distance from one or another of my children, but always by focusing on drawing them into my heart I have succeeded in renewing our closeness and connection.  Because when the relationship is the priority, there is nothing a parent won't do to repair any crack in the foundation of attachment.

Do you ever feel like your child is growing apart from you?  What do you do to resume your closeness and trust?

I Make Milk

Welcome to the February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Essentials
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared the parenting essentials that they could not live without. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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I cannot imagine parenting without breastfeeding.

Before my first daughter was born I knew about attachment parenting.  I knew about Dr. Sears and La Leche League and nursing on demand and not letting the baby cry it out.  Anna was born in a hospital  with a midwife, without interference or interventions, and she was at my breast about 45 minutes after her birth.  She slept beside me all day and all night--every night-- and she nursed on demand and was a happy, thriving baby.

I thought that attachment parenting was all about breastfeeding on demand and not leaving my baby with other people.  I couldn't imagine doing it any other way.  I was giving her the food that nature intended, the elixir of health and happiness, the milk of my heart.  My body had nourished her for nine months on the inside and now it could nourish her beyond the womb. 

And it wasn't just that I was meeting her physical need for food.  If she cried, I nursed.  If she was tired, I nursed.  If she was overwhelmed, I nursed.  If she was sick, I nursed.  It was easy.  It was available.  My breasts had become synonymous with me.

More babies came.  I nursed some more.  I have nursed for 76 of the past 84 months.  I can't imagine being an attachment-parenting mom without the convenience of breastfeeding.  I feed my babies with liquid love.

As I grew and learned as a mother--as I RAISED MYSELF, (in the words of Naomi Aldort)--I began to reflect on what makes breastfeeding an aspect of attachment parenting.  What makes it more than just a free, healthy way to feed my babies?  And suddenly I came to the realization that of all the things I do that are natural, authentic and attachment oriented, breastfeeding is the one I could give up the easiest.

Really.

My son is 6 months old and if I suddenly found out that I could not breastfeed him anymore, I know we'd be OK.  Or if I have another baby and for some reason breastfeeding is impossible, I could still pursue the goals of attachment parenting.  Realizing this has released me of all the judgement and scorn that I have always felt for bottle-feeding mothers.  I can be an attachment-parenting mother without using my breasts.  Here's how I'd do it.

• Because I am a mindful mother, not wanting to harm my child in any way, I would try to source out as much breastmilk as possible from donors or by pumping.
• I would always hold my baby during feedings. 
• I would never give the baby to other people to hold and feed. (Just imagine if someone else held the baby while I was breastfeeding!  Unthinkable!)
• I would sleep next to the baby and I would offer milk or physical closeness whenever the baby woke in the night.
• I would look at and cuddle and caress and talk to my baby during every feeding.
• I would be patient with my baby's need to cry--especially since there would likely be increased crying without breastfeeding. 
• I would still practice all the other aspects of natural parenting that I embrace:  babywearing, cosleeping, non-violent communication, minimal periods of separation, and unschooling. 

I'm not saying I could mimic breastfeeding without breastfeeding.  I'm saying that I could still be a good mother without breastfeeding. 

But I still can't imagine parenting without breastfeeding.


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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Not Without Him — The love Starr at Taking Time shares with her husband is the foundation of her parenting.
• I Cannot Imagine Parenting Without B(.)(.)bs — From an uneducated dreamer to a breastfeeding mother of a toddler, nursing has forever changed Kristy at Strings to Things's relationship with her daughter and her outlook on life.
• Raising a Child in the Internet Village — When Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction has a question or concern about parenting, she turns to the Internet. What did parents do before Google?
• Partner in Crime and Parenting — Bethy at Bounce Me to the Moon can't imagine parenting without her husband's sense of humor - he brings her laughter and love every day.)
• I Make Milk — Patti at Jazzy Mama can't imagine trying to mother her babies without her breasts, but she could do it if she had to.
• New Perspectives Bring New Beginnings — MJ at Wander Wonder Discover, who is a former authoritarian mamma, has gained perspective via parenting.
• Time Out! — Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog explores how time apart can increase your capacity to give unconditionally.
• Unimaginable Without Him — Kristina at heyred designs is celebrating her amazing partner, without whom none of her parenting experience would be possible.
• My Parenting Necessity — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl needs "me time" in order to be the Mama she wants to be.
• Babywearing As a Way of Life — Darcel at The Mahogany Way talks about the benefits of babywearing in everyday life.
• Parenting Partnership — Sometimes Abbie at Farmer's Daughter doesn't appreciate her husband enough, but she definitely couldn't imagine parenting without his help.
• Parenting Essentials — Momma Jorje loves her parenting products, but she needs you even more.
• My Parenting Must-Have: Support — Joella at Fine and Fair wrote a letter to her daughter about the role that support from friends and family plays in her mothering.
• It's More Than Just Hair — Think doing hair is full of fluff? Too girly? Useless? Karli from Curly Hairdo Ideas used to think so too.
• The Minimalist Parent — The parents at Living Peacefully with Children embrace a minimalist perspective when it comes to baby gear. A good sling is all they need.
• Without My Breasts — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama can't imagine parenting without her breasts; here's why.
• Loves Books, Loves People — Seonaid at the Practical Dilettante discovers that the library is a perfect fit for her family's needs.
• An Ode to the Maya Wrap — RevMama's next child might be named Maya, because of her fondness for the sling.
• Avoiding the Padded Room — Pecky at Benny and Bex is here to testify that it takes a village to raise a child.
• My parenting essentials, from Tivo to battery-operated monstrosities — Lauren at Hobo Mama presents a list of parenting essentials you didn't even know you needed (and probably don't…).
• Attachment Parenting Through Separation: It Makes It a Little Better — Jessica at This Is Worthwhile talks about how she couldn't survive her separation without attachment parenting and the bond it's afforded her with her 3 year old son.
• Parenting Essentials — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares the principles she used to parent her children from infants to adults.
• My Parenting Essentials — The things that are truly essential to Kim at In Desperate Need of Entertainment aren't things at all.
• I'm No One Without My Sling — How baby carrying is essential to the parenting of Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama.
• I Cannot Imagine Parenting Without... — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine talks about what she needs to raise her children.
• February Carnival of Natural Parenting — Through her experiences over the last five and a half years, Casey at Love What Is has discovered her most important tool for parenting is using her instincts.
• CNP: I Cannot Imagine Parenting Without __________. — The Artsymama discloses the one thing that gave her back control of herself as a parent.
• Laugh Until I Cry — Laughing with her sons keeps Acacia at Fingerpaint & Superheroes connected and grounded.
• I Cannot Imagine Parenting Without — Luschka at Diary of a First Child realizes what the one thing she can't imagine parenting without is, and it turns out it's not a thing after all.
• It Takes Two — Here are a few of the reasons why Jenn at Adventures Down Under cannot imagine parenting without her fabulous husband.
• Stopping to Listen — Though it wasn't easy at first, Knocked Up - Knocked Over cannot imagine parenting her daughter without listening first to what she is telling her.
• The Essence of Parenting — There are many wonderful resources that make life easier for Michelle at the Parent Vortex to parent, but the essence is the relationship between parent and child.
• What I Cannot Live Without — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker considers her computer to be a parenting lifeline.
• True Blessings: White Noise and Grandparents — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment can't live without her white noise machine and the support of her parents.
• The Necessities! — What "stuff" does a natural parent like Lily, aka Witch Mom really need? Not much, it turns out.
• Mama Showed Me — Mama Mo at Attached at the Nip writes about how parenting wisdom is passed on by example.
• Ode to the Loo — For Joni Rae at Tales of a Kitchen Witch, the bathroom is her safe place, where she can take a minute to calm down if she is feeling touched out.
• Go, Mama. Go! — Andrea!!! at Ella-Bean & Co. has been able to integrate her many roles through her get-up-and-go parenting essential, exercise!
• My Other Half — Becky at Old New Legacy realizes what a relief it is to have her husband parent alongside her.
• Grace, Love, and Coffee — MrsH at Fleeting Moments realizes that lifelines can take the form of the profound, or the mundane. Both are ok.
• Supportive Spouse, Check! — There are so many parenting tools and gadgets that are superfluous, but the one essential, for Danielle at born.in.japan, has been her supportive spouse.
• Why I'm a Babywearer — Meredith at Becoming Mamas reflects on the ways babywearing has enhanced her mama baby relationship...and made life easier to boot.
• It's Marvelous Out Here, Kiddo! — Rachael at The Variegated Life can't imagine parenting in the big city without the marvels of Prospect Park to share with her Critter.
• Yes, Thank You — Amy at Anktangle offers tips on how to ask for and accept help, an essential for successful parenting.
• Parenting Essentials Checklist: Mom’s Inner Rebel and Her Kids’ Voices — Olivia at Write About Birth reflects on raising global citizens and saying no to societal norms.
• Eco-Mama Online! — An Eco-Mama living in the mountains of a nature island, Terri at Child of the Nature Isle finds it essential to connect to nature and to connect online.
• Sorry, We Just Sold the Last One — Nev at The Adventures of Lime confesses she missed out the day they handed out patience.
• Laugh — Tashmica at The Mother Flippin' Blog reveals her super power, her talisman agains mean mommy.
• My Priceless Parenting Resource — What do books, a magazine community, my mother and the local playgroup have in common? Lucy at Dreaming Aloud tells us...
  
• The Gift of Shared Time — Tree at Mom Grooves strives to experience the world from her daughter's perspective.
• Follow the Giggles — Dionna at Code Name: Mama can’t live without the sound of her child’s giggles - come watch her video and you’ll agree!
• Can I Mommy Without Boob? — Emily at Crunchy(ish) Mama shares her fears about weaning and losing part of that the mother/child bond.

How I Learned to Define ' Attachment Parenting'

A few months ago when my mother returned from visiting my brother after the birth of his greatly-desired and long-anticipated first child, she commented to me "They sure are into the attachment parenting." And with my many years of experience as a mother, I couldn't help but think sarcastically, "Yeah. Let's see what they're doing in 5 years."

It's not that I don't think my brother and his partner will be good parents. They are older than me, they are completely devoted to their roles as parents, they treasure their son and went through a lot to have him in their lives. They are well-read, well-adjusted and well-schooled. They have a wealth of life experiences that I can never hope to achieve. Their relationship with each other is already long and solid.

It's just that experience has shown me that even the most well-intentioned parents have a hard time committing to real attachment parenting after the baby-stage is over. My own experiences from 6 years of being a mother and my observations of mothers at La Leche League have taught me that the theories and practices that comprise the standard definition of 'attachment parenting' are much harder to keep in place as the baby becomes a toddler and a pre-schooler. In fact, one of the reasons why I resigned as a La Leche League leader last year was because I observed that many of the leaders (whose children were young like mine) were becoming more and more mainstream in their parenting practices as their children grew out of baby-hood.

When I was a new mother I thought I had a handle on the definition of attachment parenting. I had read the book by US paediatrician William Sears in which he set out a list of guidelines to describe attachment parenting. Generally speaking, his guidelines include:

• Gentle birth


• Breastfeeding on demand and child-led weaning


• Babywearing


• Bed-sharing


• Immediate response to crying


• Minimal separation of mother and baby

I followed these guidelines to a 'T' with Anna. In fact, there was no other way to care for Anna, as she cried whenever I put her down, she slept for no more than 45 minutes in the day before waking to nurse, and she would not stay with her dad for more than a few seconds if I left the room. I came to believe that attachment parenting meant having the child physically ON the mother, since even at 2 years old, Anna refused to be away from me for even a few minutes.

My understanding of attachment parenting began to change bit by bit when I started to ponder and research homeschooling. It was around Anna's 2nd birthday that I first began to think about homeschooling after a friend I had met at La Leche League told me that her husband was opposed to sending their daughter to school. I contacted the only person I knew at that time who was homeschooling, and she sent me the links to a variety of websites that she had found useful when she began homeschooling. I read through them, but nothing seemed to 'click' with me. Eventually, I ran across the term 'unschooling' and that eventually led me to the term 'authentic parenting'.

What I learned was that although I was following all the 'attachment parenting guidelines', I was doing it only for superficial reasons: I believed that by doing the things that Dr. Sears recommended (and La Leche League, also) I was a better mother than the cry-it-out, pro-daycare, pro-timeout crowd. Really, I had completely missed the point. I had been using a strategy but I had not fully committed to the essence of attachment which is the relationship.

I discovered unschooling through the website of Jan Hunt. It contains a wealth of articles by Hunt and others on parenting, health, learning and relationships. Jan Hunt's book is called The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart. She renames attachment parenting 'empathic parenting' and she describes it thus:

• We understand that all children are doing the very best they can at every given moment.


• We trust that though children may be small in size, they deserve to have their needs taken seriously.


• We know that it is unrealistic to expect a child to behave perfectly at all times.


• We recognize that "bad behaviour" is the child's attempt to communicate an important need in the best way she can.


• We learn to look beneath a child's outward behaviour to understand what he is thinking and feeling.


• We see that in a very beautiful way, our child teaches us what love is.

When reading through this list of 'guidelines' it is easy to see how they apply to children of any age. Unlike the list of guidelines from Dr. Sears, these principles focus on a way of being in a relationship with a child. Jan Hunt says in her book that people either 'get it' about children, or they don't. It is only recently that I have begun to 'get it'. Trusting and respecting the emotions and actions of children all the time is a completely new way of thinking for me. It involves letting go of my pre-conceived ideas and making myself vulnerable to the needs of my children. Hunt offers me a challenge as opposed to the Dr. Sears list which offered only a strategy.

Authentic Parenting is described and taught by Naomi Aldort in her book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. In the introduction she says

You will learn to nurture [your child] without shaping, like a gardener who
waters flowers, but doesn't help them open nor choose their shapes or
colors....

In this book you will learn to let go of your armour and let love flow
through you with no strings attached.

If we want our future as humanity to look different than how it looks now, we need to allow our children to create it out of who they are and not out of who we want them to be.

Parenting is a path of maturation and growth if we dare to learn more and teach less. When you have the courage to stop defending the way you are, or the way your parents raised you, you can open up to the possibility that you are much greater and more magnificent and capable than you thought you were. (excepts from pages xv, xvi and xvii)

Reading these words was a lightbulb-moment for me. It made sense. It explained what was missing from my strategy for attachment parenting. It opened my mind and my heart to what was wrong with me instead of focusing on what I perceived to be wrong with my child. It gave me the courage to change.

Once I began to focus more on my relationship with my children, and less on trying to achieve a particular result with them, I was finally able to take a deep breathe and relax into my mothering role. It was no longer a persona and I began to experience more joy and freedom. By the time Jasmine joined our family I had fully made the switch in my mind from attachment parenting as a strategy to attachment parenting as a relationship. In fact, I felt that Jasmine's birth was like a renewal for my relationships with Anna and Holly. I felt like I was getting a fresh start, and as I looked for and met Jasmine's needs I learned to look for and meet Anna and Holly's needs in the same authentic way.

And this is why I am skeptical about people who embrace the principals of attachment parenting with their infants but who have a vision of the future with their children that includes pre-school or daycare or sleep-training or punishments and rewards or public school or schedules or any other activities that require an otherwise dependent child to become prematurely independent. Quite frankly, it's not easy to offer trust and respect to children all day, everyday, especially when they are no longer tiny and helpless. A daughter who refuses to help clean up her dolls or another daughter who screams at her father for serving her food with the wrong sauce do not necessarily inspire consistent kindness and patience, trust and respect. It's hard.

But it's worth it. Focusing on the relationship instead of the behaviour removes the aspect of blame and maintains the equilibrium within the family. Attachment parenting is not a set of strategies. It is a way of life. It is a way of living with children. It is a way of loving that maximizes joy and freedom.

I'm learning. And I'm trying to share my experiences with anyone who wants to learn too.

And then my stars aligned....

The Universe has thrown me a smile this week.

Out of the blue, a woman phoned me yesterday, having found my name on the La Leche League website. I'm not sure how she chose me out of 50 or 60 other women who represent the organization in Toronto. She said that she was from a company which represents large corporate clients and provides learning sessions for their employees. She went on to explain that at an upcoming session they would be exploring 'the nurturing and protection of human life' and would I be able to speak for 20-30 minutes about the role of breastfeeding as a form of nurturing. Would I?

This is a huge opportunity for me. So exciting!! I get to talk about mothering. I get to talk about how the natural biology of breastfeeding is best for the social, emotional and physical development of human infants. I get to talk about how, in a formula-feeding culture, there is a better way, a higher standard, an enlightened approach to raising our children.

It's funny that for the last several months I have been complaining about how I feel so limited by the LLL organization. I often feel like I can only talk about breastfeeding in the sense of 'how to', rather than talk to mothers about tapping into their instincts and teaching them how to be empathic parents. And now because of my involvement with LLL, I will have the opportunity to take the conversation to the next level and really explain the importance of trust and attachment in our relationships with our children.

So for the next couple weeks I will be using my blog to create my presentation. I already have a general outline in my mind, but I will have to wait to find out a few key details about the who will be in the audience. In particular, I am aware that the subject of breastfeeding is highly emotionally charged--there are likely to be women in the audience who chose to formula-feed, or who were told that they 'couldn't' breastfeed, or who even tried to breastfeed but were not successful. I don't want to raise their ire, but I also don't want to downplay how important breastfeeding is, not just as a way to nourish a baby, but as a fundamental part of the relationship between mother and baby.

I also have to add how excited I am that I am going to be paid for my presentation. Yippee!! This is exactly what I want to pursue as a new career: parenting coach. Imagine being paid to teach people how to be better attached to their kids. It could be the start of a revolution in parenting......