I Hate the Internet

Notwithstanding:

• that because of Facebook I have connected with two of my cousins, whose lives and deeds of inspiration have brought great joy to my heart
• that through blogging I have made a few wonderful friends whose daily musings both entertain and excite me, sometimes sparking deep personal reflection
• that if it weren't for email I would never have contact with my sister
• that I love being able to instantly find whatever information I am seeking--a recipe or a definition or a video of how a tornado is formed(!)
• that my spunky little computer may be my ticket to achieving my dreams,

I hate the Internet.

I hate the way that some people use the Internet to communicate in ways that they would never do in real life.  And I'm not talking about pornographers or terrorists.  I'm talking about regular, everyday people who think that sitting at a computer screen, getting glimpses into other people's lives, gives them the right to unleash their hyperbolic reactions and opinions in ways that they would never do in real life.

I'm not even talking about the occasional obnoxious comment that I receive here on my blog.  Honestly, if people don't like my ideas about natural parenting, unschooling and healthy living, there are lots of other places on the Internet for them to hang out.  Why would they waste their time on me?  It would never even occur to me to leave hostile criticism on someone's website, no matter what they write about it.  I just have other priorities.

What really bothers me are the people who express every knee-jerk reaction that springs to mind, yet in real life, they have nothing to say.  For example, every article that appears in an online newspaper on the topic of Unschooling seems to attract the most hateful, uninformed responses.  Would these commenters speak to me like that if they met me and my children at the park?  I doubt it.  

And that's the problem with the Internet.  The lack of face-to-face communication allows people to completely disregard the social standards of proper interaction.  It allows people to behave completely without social skills.  It allows for too much anonymity and lack of consequences for engaging in anti-social behaviours.

Imagine that my family and I were invited to a wedding.  While there, some of the guests find out that we are Unschoolers and they start screaming at us that we don't deserve to be parents, that we are unfit and abusive.  Would that happen?  No, because in real life, people know that there are social boundaries that we don't cross.  On the Internet, it seems that people don't give themselves boundaries.

And the reason this really concerns me is that already an entire generation has grown up with the Internet and without these personal boundaries being firmly in place.  When children see that adult Internet-users do not hold back their vitriolic and hateful opinions, they learn that they don't have to either.  We have school-age children who are expert cyber-bullies and we don't question how that happened.

As an adult Internet user, I have a responsibility to communicate in the same way that I do in real life.  The tone I set online is who I really am.  I don't have an online personality and a different one in real life.  When I have nothing to say, I stay quiet.  When I vehemently disagree with another person's ideas, I walk away and I don't come back.  When I believe in something, my real life and my virtual life work in harmony to promote it.

Will you do something for me?  Will you make a pledge with me?

I pledge that my online voice will be an authentic reflection of who I really am, the life I am living and the opinions I hold dear.  I will not use virtual words that I would not use in real life.

It's a small thing, but let's unite in our desire to uphold the social standards of communication that have been with us for generations.  Please leave me a short comment to let me know that you agree.

(If you are reading this in an email, you will have to click on the blue title at the top which will take you to my webpage.  Scroll to the bottom to leave a message.  Anonymous messages are accepted.)

Connection, Communication, Compassion

Welcome to the July Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Philosophy

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared their parenting practices and how they fit in with their parenting purpose. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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My parenting journey has already taken me on a route I could never have imagined before my children were born.  I was a career-driven woman, proud of my university degrees, moving up the ladder of success.  At 30, I was completing my Masters degree and I was just a couple of years away from becoming a vice-principal.  I owned a swanky downtown condominium.  I really thought I had things figured out.

Then I had a baby.  Then I had a few more.

I understood a little about Attachment Parenting in the early days of motherhood.  And when we decided not to send our kids to school I learned a lot more.

Along my journey I discovered Naomi Aldort and her book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.  I discovered Nonviolent Communication.  I learned about living organically.  And most recently I discovered The Work of Byron Katie.

All of these ideas have helped to shape my parenting practices and I have synthesized them into 3 C's.

• Connection  Whenever I am feeling conflicted or confused about sleep, food or freedom, I ask myself Are my actions going to sustain and deepen my connection with my child or drive a wedge between us?
• Communication  When anger or frustration bubbles, I stop to choose words that are gentle.  I ask myself Will my child feel loved or separated by my words?
• Compassion  When I am overwhelmed (or my child is), I remember that my child is still new to the experience of LIFE and that I am the adult with the power to help or hurt.

Along with these 3 C's I have also come to develop an understanding of the importance of  4 EXPERIENCES OF TRUST.

• The mother must trust her instinct to do what is best for her children.
• The mother must trust her children to signal their authentic needs.
• The children must freely trust that the mother is acting in their best interests.  (This happens when a child's trust has not been violated.)
• The mother must open her heart to accept the authentic trust of the children.

(Of course, the concept of the 4 TRUSTs applies equally to all parents, not just the mother.)

It's all about the relationship.  Because if the relationship isn't the priority, then what is?

Have you synthesized several parenting 'philosophies' into one that makes sense for you?

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon July 12 with all the carnival links.)

• Between Love and Fear: On Raising our Children Sensibly — Mamma Earthly at Give an Earthly discusses the fear factor in parenting and how she overcame it, despite societal pressures.
• really, when do i get my cape? — Sarah at small bird on fire is a working city mama trying to learn how to set aside her expectations of perfection and embrace the reality of modern parenting.
• Baby, Infant, and Toddler Wearing — Child wearing is part of Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured's parenting philosophy. In this post, Sarah describes benefits of child-wearing and gives tips for wearing babies, infants, and toddlers (even while pregnant).
• First Year Reflections — As her daughter's first birthday approaches, Holly at First Year Reflections reflects on how she and her husband settled into attachment parenting after initially doing what they thought everyone else did.
• Making an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a guest post from Sam about the unexpected lessons giving a four-year-old an allowance teaches the child — and the parent.
• How to be a Lazy Parent and Still Raise Great Kids — Lisa at Granola Catholic talks about how being a Lazy Parent has helped her to raise Great Kids.
• Philosophy in Practice — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares how her heart shaped the parenting philosophy in her home.
• What is Attachment Parenting Anyway? — Gaby at Tmuffin describes the challenges of putting a label on her parenting philosophy.
• Of Parenting Styles — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom talks about how she and her husband tailored various parenting styles to fit their own preferred parenting philosophy.
• Moment by Moment Parenting — Amy at Peace 4 Parents encourages those who care for children (including herself) to explore and appreciate parenting moment-by-moment with clarity, intention, trust, and action.
• Maintaining Spirituality in the Midst of Everyday Parenting, Marriage, and Life — Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured shares her perspective on finding opportunities for spiritual growth in every day life.
• Parenting Philosophy — Lily, aka Witch Mom's parenting philosophy is to raise child(ren) to be compassionate, loving, inquisitive, and questioning adults who can be trusted to make decisions for themselves in a way that avoids harming others.
• Long Term — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis thinks about who she would like to see her daughter become — and what she can do now to lay a strong foundation for those hopes.
• Connection, Communication, Compassion — She's come a long way, baby! After dropping her career in favour of motherhood, Patti at Jazzy Mama discovered that building solid relationships was going to be her only parenting priority.
• My Parenting Inspirations - Part 4 — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at her biggest parenting inspiration and how that translates into her long-term parenting philosophy.
• A Parenting Philosophy in One Word: Respect — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction summarizes her parenting and relationship philosophy in one word: respect.
• Knowledge and Instinct — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that knowledge and instinct are super important … as are love, encouragement and respect. It's the ideal combo needed to raise happy and healthy children and in turn create meaningful relationships with them.
• THRIVE! — The Sparkle Mama wants to set a tone of confidence, abundance, and happiness in her home that will be the foundation for the rest of her daughter's life.
• On Children — "Your children are not your children," say Kahlil Gibran and Hannah at Wild Parenting.
• This One Life Together — Ariadne aka Mudpiemama shares her philosophy of parenting: living fully in the here and now and building the foundation for a happy and healthy life.
• Enjoying life and planning for a bright future — Olivia at Write About Birth shares her most important parenting dilemmas and pours out her heart about past trauma and how healing made her a better parent.
• My Parenting Philosophy: Unconditional and Natural Love — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about her parenting philosophy from a year of following her instincts as a mama.
• An open letter to my children — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine writes an open letter to her children.
• My Starter Kit for Unconditional Parenting — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses her wish to raise a good person and summarizes some of the nontraditional practices she's using with her toddler son in order to fulfill that wish.
• Responsiveness — Sheila at A Gift Universe has many philosophies and goals, but what it all boils down to is responsiveness: listening to what her son wants and providing what he needs.
• Tools for Creating Your Parenting Philosophy — Have you ever really thought about your parenting purpose? Knowing your long-term goals can help you parent with more intent in your daily interactions. Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers exercises and ideas to help you create your own parenting philosophy.
• Be a Daisy — Becky at Old New Legacy philosophizes about individuality and how she thinks it's important for her daughter's growth.
• What's a Mama to Do? — Amyables at Toddler in Tow hopes that her dedication to compassionate parenting will keep her children from becoming too self-critical as adults.
• grown-up anxieties. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life explains her lone worry concerning her babies growing up.
• Why I Used Montessori Principles in My Parenting Philosophy — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells why she chose Montessori principles to help her now-adult children develop qualities she wanted to see in them as children and adults.
• Parenting Philosophies & Planning for the Future — Momma Jorje considers that the future is maybe just a fringe benefit of doing what feels right now.
• Not Just Getting Through — Rachael at The Variegated Life asks what truths she hopes to express even in the most commonplace interactions with her son.
• Parenting Philosophy? Eh... — Ana at Pandamoly shares the philosophy (or lack thereof) being employed to (hopefully) raise a respectful, loving, and responsible child.
• Parenting Philosophy: Being Present — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses the changes her family has made to accommodate their parenting philosophy and to reflect their ideals as working parents.
• Who They Will Be — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro shares a short list of some qualities she hopes she is instilling in her children at this very moment.
• Short Term vs. Long Term — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes recounts how long term parenting goals often get lost in the details of everyday life with two kids.
• Parenting Philosophy: Practicing and Nurturing Peace — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle sets personal goals for developing greater peace.
• Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 1: The Yamas — In part 1 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie guest posts at Natural Parents Network about how the Yoga Sutras provide a framework for her parenting philosophy.
• Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 2: The Niyamas — In part 2 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie explores how the Niyamas (one of the eight limbs in traditional Yoga) help her maintain her parenting and life focus.
• Our Sample Parenting Plan — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey shares hopes of who her children will become and parenting strategies she employs to get them there.
• Philosophical Parenting: Letting Go — Jona at Life, Intertwined ponders the notion that there's no right answer when it comes to parenting.
• Unphilosophizing? — jessica at instead of institutions wonders about the usefulness of navel gazing.
• Parenting Sensitively — Amy at Anktangle uses her sensitivity to mother her child in ways that both nurture and affirm.
• how to nurture your relationships — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog believes that sometimes all kids need is a jolly good listening to …
• Philosophy Of An Unnatural Parent — Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum sees parenting as a process of guiding her children to develop the skills they'll need.
• Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child.
• Flying by the Seat of My Pants — Heather at Very Nearly Hippy has realized that she has no idea what she's doing.

Non-Violent Communication with a 7-Year-Old Picky Eater

My daughter Anna is a very picky eater and she is not shy about complaining about food that she does not like.  I usually try to have an assortment of foods for our evening meal in the hope that everyone will find something to fill their bellies.  But in a family with 4 kids who all prefer different foods, someone is usually disappointed.  Tonight's supper was not to Anna's liking AT ALL.  (And just so you know, the choices tonight were:  homemade vegetarian tomato sauce, wheat pasta, rice pasta, raw vegetables with dip, chickpea-jalepeno patties, stir-fried vegetables with ginger-soy sauce.)

Usually when Anna complains about food I get really annoyed.  I frequently ignore her complaining and offer her a piece of toast because I just can't always find the emotional connection that I need in order to listen to her.  I have to really work to keep my mouth shut because sometimes I want to say "OK.  Just be hungry.  No food for you."

But I've been re-reading Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication and I knew that this would be a perfect opportunity to work through the suggested steps of listening and validating.

First, we listen with the goal of discovering the other person's observations, feelings, needs and requests.  Then we respond by offering our observations, feelings, needs and requests.

My conversation with Anna went like this:
(I will identify which parts of NVC I have used.)

LISTENING
ANNA:  Mom!  I hate this supper.  I can't eat anything tonight.
ME:  You don't like what I made for supper tonight. (observation)
ANNA:  You never make anything I like!
ME:  You wish I had made one of your favourite suppers. (observation)
ANNA:  I won't eat any of this.
ME:  You wish I made something else for you. (observation)
ANNA:  You know what I like.  Why do you make food I won't eat?
ME:  You feel sad when you see that I made food that you don't like. (feelings)
ANNA:  I can't eat anything!  (Starting to cry.)
ME:  You feel special when I make the foods that you like and you feel frustrated when I make food that I know aren't your favourites. (her feelings)
ANNA:  (still crying)  You never make my favourites.
ME:  You need me to make sure that there are always foods for supper that you want to eat. (her needs)
ANNA:  When can we have curry again?
ME:  Well, I don't have any of those ingredients but when we buy groceries this weekend I will make sure that we buy all the right things.  Would you like curry on Sunday night for supper? (her request)
ANNA:  Yes.  When is Sunday?
ME:  In three days.
ANNA:  You never buy the parmesan cheese that I like for spaghetti.
ME:  The parmesan cheese that Daddy bought last time was full of preservatives and other artificial ingredients that I don't want you to eat.  We aren't going to buy it anymore.
ANNA:  But I like it.
ME:  I know that you like it. (my observations) It's my responsibility to take care of your body by giving you healthy food to eat, and I wouldn't be fulfilling my responsibility if I gave you things to eat that are full of chemicals.  I wouldn't give you shampoo to eat and I won't give you that parmesan cheese either. (my needs)
ANNA:  (sniff)
ME:  When I make a healthy supper for my family I feel happy that I am giving food to the people that I love that will make them healthy and smart and strong. (my feelings) Even though you don't like this supper, when I made it for you my heart was full of love because I knew that it was healthy for you.  I like cooking and I like making lots of different foods for everyone in our family to enjoy.  Will you be able to find something on the table that you would like to eat?  (my request) If not, I would be happy to make you a piece of toast.
ANNA:  I'll try.
ME:  Thankyou Anna.  And I will be happy to make you some curry on Sunday.

And guess what?  She ate two helpings of wheat pasta with tomato sauce and she used hot sauce instead of parmesan cheese "to make it taste better".  Yay!  This mama ain't complaining!

But the real success in this use of Non-Violent Communication is not that Anna ended up eating the supper that I made.  The real success is that she knows that I really listened to her concerns and I know that she really listened to mine.  Both of us had our needs met and felt validated and understood.

Taking the time for these types of conversations is what Authentic Parenting is all about.  It is about maintaining the connection and developing the relationship.  It is about recognizing that our needs are equally authentic and important.

Non-Violent Communication ensures that the parent is The Leader and not The Boss.

Reconnect with your Kids

Do you ever feel disconnected from your kids, even if you're a stay-at-home-mom?

I admit that I do sometimes. When I was pregnant with Jasmine I went back to work for 4 months and then I was off work for about 6 weeks before she was born.  I was aware during that time that my absence from Anna and Holly (then 3.5 years and almost 2 years) had created a chasm in the closeness that I had previously enjoyed with them.  I had to really seek that connection because I was worried that after the baby was born I'd have an even harder time getting it back.

But even now that I haven't worked in over 3 years, I still notice that occasionally I feel distant with one or another of my children.  It could be that one has reached a milestone of independence that I am finding hard to accept.  Or it could be that my mind is stuck on an (inappropriate) expectation that one of them is not fulfilling.  Or it could be that I am feeling frustrated that someone has returned to needing me in a way that she had previously given up.  I've come to realize that just being with my kids is not enough to create a solid connection on a daily basis. I have to work at maintaining that same bond that I felt when they were tiny infants in my arms.  I have to let go of any preconceived idea of who they are meant to be and just let my love flow for who they are now.

If you are feeling a lack of connection with your child, here are three little steps you can take to re-establish a fulfilling bond.  A daily dose of these three actions will help your relationship with your child whether she is 3 years old or 13 years old.

Affection  Remember how you couldn't get enough of your baby--stroking his cheek and kissing his toes and rubbing his smooth little back?  No matter what age your child is now, he still needs your physical closeness.  If you don't normally offer a hug first thing in the morning, start today.  Cuddle up together to read a favourite story.  If a lot of touch with your older child is outside of your comfort zone (or hers) start with getting permission:  Would you like a back-scratch before you go to bed?  Can I hug you before I go out?  And if your child initially resists, ask again the next day.  Persist.  If the goal is to connect, accept that it may take time.

Affirmation  You've heard of the expression Find a child doing something right?  Find lots of nice things to say to your child.  Keep your thoughts of criticism or correction to yourself.  Focus on anything positive.  Compliment your teenager's outfit.  Tell your preschooler you're proud of him.  Give your child credit for remembering something or solving a problem or finishing a task.  And make sure to smile and make eye contact.  Get down on her level and make sure she sees your face when you say something kind to her.

Activities  Do something with your child that you know he will love (that doesn't involve spending money).  Instead of dropping him off at swimming lessons, stay and watch (and don't offer any critique).  Make yourself more available for spontaneous family time.  Insist on family meals.  Refuse to answer the phone or check your messages for a whole day, or whenever you are in the presence of your child.  And don't turn your time together into the 'teachable moment';  just be together.

When your child's behaviour repels you, draw close to that child.

I'm not sure where I read that, but I know it to be true.  There have been times throughout the seven years that I've been a mother that I have felt distance from one or another of my children, but always by focusing on drawing them into my heart I have succeeded in renewing our closeness and connection.  Because when the relationship is the priority, there is nothing a parent won't do to repair any crack in the foundation of attachment.

Do you ever feel like your child is growing apart from you?  What do you do to resume your closeness and trust?

Sigh. I have so much more to learn.

I may be the most intolerant, obnoxious, self-righteous snob on the planet, but I have to say that I can't stand people. The more I have to deal with the general public--the mainstreamers--the more I can't stand them.

This morning I had to go to the school where I used to work to fill out some paperwork so that I can start a new leave of absence from my job. (The truth is that I don't ever intend to return to work as a teacher, but it would be foolish to quit my job as long as I can just stay on a leave of absence. Keeping the contract is a little bit of insurance in case my world should ever come crashing down around me and I was in desperate need of an income.) So I took the girls with me and we dropped by the school office. I endured the usual comments from the secretaries--Do you know what you're having? Wow, 4 kids, that's brave--while I waited for the principal to sign my papers, and then the vice-principal came over.

I had already introduced the girls to the secretary who was always the friendliest to me, but the VP had to ask them their names for herself, and she started with Holly. As I expected, Holly didn't answer, so I put my hand on her little head and said, "This is Holly. She's almost 4-and-a-half." Like a typical mainstreamer who thinks that children should be cajoled, manipulated and shamed, the VP barely let me finish before she got right in Holly's face and asked, "Can you say 'my name is Holly'?"

Now this is where I have to congratulate myself for holding back from saying what immediately came to my mind: Gee, Heather, can you say 'micropachicephalosaurus'? Of course she can say her own name, you moron, but she doesn't talk to people she's never ever met before and like any good parent I've taught my children not to share personal information with strangers. No, no, I restrained myself, and I only said, "No, she's not going to." But I didn't restrain myself out of respect, or even because I have some manner of social skills. I restrained myself because I already know that I cannot possibly convince a 60-year-old woman that she was completely rude to my child and that my child deserves to be treated in such a way that leaves her autonomy completely intact. And this stranger spends all day talking to kids to whom she is a stranger! And she probably berates every single one who doesn't answer her the way she thinks she should be answered. Furthermore, does she think that a 4-year-old can tell the difference between a 'nice stranger' and a 'bad stranger'? I can't even tell the difference!!

Make no mistake: I was furious. The woman then turned to Anna and asked for her name. Anna is beyond intuitive and she knew exactly what kind of woman she was dealing with. She looked up at me with a look that was almost rolling her eyes, and I immediately introduced her myself and told her age. Fortunately we were spared any more stupid comments as the principal was ready to see me. As soon as I was out of earshot of the VP I knelt down to face Holly and told her that she never has to talk to someone if she doesn't want to, and that of course I know that she can say her own name whenever she wants.

I guess it's not just people in the education system who don't get it about kids. A similar thing happened recently with a neighbour who said to Anna, "Are you excited about the new baby coming?" Anna gave me that same look that told me she knew that the questioner was asking for one specific answer (i.e. YES) but that she wasn't going to give that answer and could I please get her out of this situation. I mean, the only answer from a 6-year-old about whether or not she is excited about her mom having a new baby is "No, of course not. I didn't ask for this baby. I'm not thrilled at all that my mom is going to have even less time to pay attention to me and besides that, in about a year and a half this baby is going to get into my stuff and really start to bug me. So, NO, I'm not excited."

In another example, last week at the Farmer's Market, as I was paying a man for some sweet potatoes when he said to Anna, "Why aren't you in school?" Well, there's a question that it would take me about 6 hours to answer!! Anna shrugged her shoulders and gave me the get-me-out-of-this-look. I said, "We don't need school. We learn wherever we happen to be." Naturally, the comment in return was, "Oh, you're homeschoolers." Then it was my turn to shrug my shoulders and walk away.

Why do adults ask questions that kids can't answer? And why are total strangers surprised when kids don't answer them? And what makes adults think they can be rude to children? It's a simple answer really. Adults don't believe that children are their equals. We've reached the conclusion that sexism, racism, homophobia and able-ism are wrong, but most adults still openly and unashamedly embrace age-ism. That is, they endorse treating children as lesser people who must always be controlled.

I admit that I spent my entire career as a teacher believing that children had to be controlled. And I really did control them a lot of the time. In fact, for being able to do so I was considered to be an excellent teacher. I was even asked to mentor other teachers to teach them 'classroom management skills'. The truth is, when I was the only adult with 25 adolescents, there was an enormous fear of losing control. I maintained control because I believed that total chaos would occur if I didn't. In reality, it was all about what was good for me and not in the least about what was good for them. I know that now. I didn't know that then.

In my home, I have to acknowledge that certain amount of control is maintained by the parents. We control the menu. We control the level of mess. We control the TV. But we don't control the children. The children have self-control. And when the children need us to show leadership to solve a particular problem, we step in and solve it.

"What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be
what we want our children to become."- Joseph Chilton Pearce

So when we say to a child Can you say My name is Holly? we are really teaching her that it is OK to shame and manipulate people to get them to do something to make us feel good with no regard for feelings. By contrast, when I stand up for my children they learn that they should also stand up for people. And when I hold back from tearing a strip off of a person who wouldn't even understand my ire, I teach my children that we can maintain our own dignity and integrity by our silence.

It's funny how I thought I was all grown up before I had my children. The truth is that I still have so much to learn.

Choosing the Path from Frazzled to Connected

By 9 o'clock in the morning there had already been 3 meltdowns.

First Holly screamed at Anna because she thought Anna was in her way, preventing her from observing the gecko getting a drink of water. (Apparently we now have a resident gecko in a terrarium who eats crickets.) While Holly persisted in screaming at Anna to get out of the way, the gecko moved on to other activities and Holly was faced with her overwhelming disappointment, which she expressed to me over and over at the top of her lungs. I held her on my lap, soothed and listened, tried not to let her see me cringing as her shrieks pierced my ears. I didn't bother to attempt to reason with her that surely the gecko would have another drink sometime that she would likely get to observe. What would have been the point? She couldn't have heard me over her own screaming, and she didn't care about seeing it again; she cared about seeing it when Anna had seen it. Eventually the wailing subsided, I gave her a final cuddle and she and I each moved on to other things.

A second explosion of emotion happened a few minutes later when Jasmine climbed onto the table to retrieve a few small stuffed animals she had seen. The animals had come out of Anna's private collection and Anna reacted with enormous grief and anger when Jasmine climbed back down with her little arms full. I empathized with Anna: Yes, those are your special animals. Yes, Jasmine shouldn't take your things without asking you first. Yes, she doesn't even play them and only wants to carry them around. Yes, it's hard to share your most special toys. Yes, being the oldest child can result in some very frustrating times. Then I moved from empathy to explanation: No, we're not going to grab the animals away from Jasmine and make her cry. Maybe we shouldn't leave things lying around if we don't want her touch them? Maybe we should find a special place for your things where you can keep them private? I comforted. I wiped away tears. I did not yank the little animals out of Jasmine's arms as she delightedly pranced around the house with her treasures. Eventually she was bored of them and Anna surreptitiously gathered them up and hid them away in parts unknown.

The third emotional eruption occurred when Jasmine went outside to find a new activity. I had just hung out a large load of laundry on the clothesline and she spotted her favourite shirt--a pink one with 2 kittens on the front. Of course she wanted it even though it was still wet. At first I said No, your shirt is wet but when the whining little voice saying "Kitty-tirt" switched to a much bigger, angrier voice screaming "Right now!" I knew it time to get the shirt. Well, the cold wet shirt on her warm little body didn't bring her quite the level of delight that she had anticipated (surprise!) and the crying continued.

By this point, I was starting to become undone. Exasperation, frustration, anger, annoyance: I had had enough. I played out a scene in my head where I walked away and closed the door. I imagined another scene where I yanked kitty-tirt off her little body and stuck it back on the clothesline and then walked away. I did not feel patient, loving or kind. I was frazzled and tired. I wanted to sit and be left alone. I wanted a significant span of time where I could be completely free from anyone else's needs.

In Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves Naomi Aldort writes:

Notice that when your child's action elicits your reaction, your mind puts words
in your mouth. It is like a computer running itself: Your child does
something and a window opens automatically in your mind. This would be
harmless if you didn't read what it says out loud. If you are upset, it is
the wrong thing to say or do and will only aggravate the situation. It is
not what you want to say. It does not represent your true intention and is
therefore inauthentic. The proof to this inauthenticity is that later you
regret your words and actions and they build walls between you and your child.

Fortunately I know what patience, love and kindness look like even when I don't feel them inside. I picked up Jasmine and held her on my lap while she wailed long and loud. I didn't know if she was upset about her wet shirt, or that I had initially said No or if something else all together was in her little head. But I held her and smoothed her hair and before long her angry wails turned to sad sobs and then she asked to nurse and though it is extremely uncomfortable at this stage of pregnancy, I smiled and granted her request. She was satisfied in only a few seconds and then she sat comfortably against me for many more minutes before getting up to investigate what her sisters were up to. By then, I felt nothing but peace, love and connection. I was able to let go of my initial reaction and be the kind of mother that I truly want to be.

I tell the children that we love each other by being patient and kind, but the truth is that I don't always feel patient and kind. Love is what we do when we don't really feel very loving, right? Patience and kindness are the vehicles that take us down the road to connectedness, harmony and joy. And even when I'm not sure how to get there, just embracing the goal can be a big help.

I'd like to reach the point where I don't get frazzled and almost come undone. I don't know if that's an achievable goal or not. But I can't very well expect the children to be patient and kind with each other if I am not patient and kind with them, right? I'm learning.

It's been a while....

Well, I haven't been blogging. Not that I haven't been thinking about it on a very regular basis. I would like to give an update on what our homeschooling/unschooling program looks like this year, but first I feel I owe my readers an explanation about my absence from the keyboard. There are two reasons.

FIRST

Jasmine's eczema reached what I have called a 'crisis' during July. Back in May I had taken her to the paediatrician to ask for help, as Jasmine was scratching for 1-2 hours every day. That doctor (who is revered in Partner-Guy's family, but who failed to charm me) told me that Jasmine has "high-maintenance skin", and that the cure was to "moisturize, moisturize, moisturize". This was her assessment without even examining Jasmine's skin. I insisted on a referal to an allergist, which she reluctantly provided, as she insisted that Jasmine does not have allergies.

In June we saw an allergist who performed a scratch-test on Jasmine's skin. The eight most common allergens (soy, eggs, cow's milk, seafood, wheat, corn, citrus and peanuts) were ruled out as causing Jasmine's eczema and itchiness. The allergist offered no other investigation into her condition and suggested that I see a dermatologist. Because of the test results coming back negative, I began to feed Jasmine every food I had previously withheld, believing that food was not causing her symptoms.

By mid-July it was clear that something had to be done. Jasmine began to scratch throughout the day and night for up to 3 hours at a time. Her skin on her ankles, knees and wrists began to look like ground meat. She would have skin and blood under her finger nails and still she would keep tearing at her skin. We could not go on this way. During the night I would have to give her to Partner-Guy to take to the living room so that I could just spend 10 minutes alone to breathe deeply, calm down, and then resume trying to comfort and soothe her back to sleep.

Finally, as a last resort, I reached out to the naturopath who my sister had taken her oldest son to when he had eczema and allergies as a baby and toddler: Dr. Peter Klassen in Waterloo.

Dr. Peter listened to my description of every detail of Jasmine's life: my pregnancy, her birth, my diet, her sleep patterns, her physical development, her diet. He immediately put us both on a restricted diet to control the growth of candida: no dairy products, no sugar, no yeast, no citrus, no mushrooms, no red meat. And he ordered a blood test (called an IgG test) that would measure Jasmine's reaction to over 100 common foods. Within two weeks of starting the restricted diet Jasmine was scratching approximately 50% less, and her skin was beginning to heal. I was delighted. Dr. Peter also put her on several supplements to reduce her itchiness and help heal her skin.

It took 4 weeks to get the results of the IgG test (which I paid $240 for). The results showed significant reactions to cow's milk, citrus, soy and gluten. But the most severe reaction was to eggs. Wow. So Jasmine and I are now on an even more restricted diet, to which I adhere completely. I have found some recipes for bread and muffins that don't taste like dirt, and we are learning how to enjoy chicken or turkey every night of the week. I think I've lost over 5 pounds already, and Jasmine is eating more food than ever before. In fact, 2 months ago she was nursing 12 times/day, and now she is nursing only 6 or 8 times/day. This is a very significant change, and she are I are both feeling healthier and more energetic.

Anyway, managing Jasmine's health and finding new foods to enjoy has been like a full-time job for the last month. In fact, I told Dr. Peter that there was no way I would have been able to adhere to the strict diet while working outside the home 5 days/week. I feel really grateful that I can be home with my children and able to give my entire attention to their well-being. And I feel such a huge sense of relief that Jasmine is getting better and that I have found a doctor who can heal her and build her health so that she can grow up free from eczema.

SECOND

I have begun a course of study called Non-Violent Communication. I love it. I can hardly put down the book and the study guide and make myself go to bed at night. I read each chapter and then I read it again and underline the parts that speak to me the most and then I read it again and follow the study guide.

I am already applying the principals of non-violent communication in my interactions with my daughters, and I can see the difference it is making. I feel different. I feel a deeper connection with my daughters, and I am awakening a deeper awareness of my thought patterns, my habits, my feelings and my needs.

Of great significance is my awakening awareness of my needs and values. I had never really thought about how my unmet needs were the source of unhappiness, and how I had the power to get my needs met. In fact, I didn't even have a clear understanding of my own needs. I have now been able to isolate 5 specific needs that, when met, bring out my greatest authenticity. They are beauty, order, peace, harmony and balance. More on that another day.

So I have been busy. I am completing this course for my own benefit and because I genuinely desire a more authentic relationship with my children, my partner, and my family of origin. But I would also like to facilitate workshops on non-violent communication, in addition to leading seminars on breastfeeding and on authentic parenting.

I look forward to writing more about my studies, providing updates on Jasmine's health, and detailing our unschooled lives. We have much to celebrate.