Why Co-Sleeping Has Always Been the Right Choice for My Family

Welcome to the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival
This post was written for inclusion in the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival hosted by Monkey Butt Junction . Our bloggers have written on so many different aspects of cosleeping. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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Every night I think about how lucky I am to be able to watch all four of my children fall asleep. I think of how lucky I am to be able to touch all of them at the same time and know that they are peaceful, safe and warm. I remember each of their births and how I promised each one that I would always be there for them; how I promised that I would give my love freely and generously. And I think of how good it is for them to fall asleep every night comforted by the warmth and proximity of the person who loves them the most in this world.

Then last night I thought of all the mothers whose hearts must long for a simple moment like watching their children fall asleep.

• I thought of the mother whose child lays in Sick Kids Hospital, hooked up to monitors and tubes, and how she would love to have him at home in her bed where she could hold him all night long.

• I thought of the mother at Auschwitz, not knowing if her children were alive, not able to comfort or protect them.

• I thought of the desolate mother with AIDS, herself alone in a bed, unable to care for her children.

• I thought of my own mother, who buried one of her three daughters, and then kept me in her bed well past my 4th birthday, where she could hold me and know that I was safe all night.

I was struck by enormity of the privilege I hold just to be able to watch and touch my children as they drift off to sleep. It just doesn't matter where my children sleep, as long as they are sleeping where they want to sleep. Occasionally they drag out sleeping bags and line them up on the floor at bedtime.  Occasionally someone falls asleep on the couch.  Occasionally they fall asleep in carseats.  All that matters is that they feel safe and loved and happy.  Wherever they fall asleep, they know that they will wake up all together in bed with ME.  It is a surety that they all take for granted.

There are no awards for how early a child sleeps alone all night. When I am old and frail none of my children will say "Mom, thanks for making me sleep alone when I was a baby, or I might never have learned how to sleep!!" If I win the Sleep Trophy it will be because none of my children has ever cried herself to sleep.

One day they will each sleep alone.  And probably the days of crying themselves to sleep will come: boyfriends will break up with them, a loved one will die, they won't get the job they lusted after, a friend will tell them a lie.

But for as long as I can, I will make bedtime a happy event of togetherness and connection.  It is my privilege to do so.
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Thanks for reading a post in the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival. On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the #CosleepCar hashtag.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
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• Emotive Co-Sleeping Campaign - Miriam at Diary of an Unconscious Mother talks about her feelings on Milwaukee’s anti-cosleeping crusade and its latest advertising campaign.
• Why Cosleeping has Always been the Right Choice for My Family - Patti at Jazzy Mama shares how lucky she feels to have the privilege of sleeping with her four children.
• Cosleeping is a safe, natural and healthy solution parents need to feel good about. - See how Tilly at Silly Blatherings set up a side-car crib configuration to meet her and her families' needs.
• Black and White: Race and the Cosleeping Wars - Moorea at Mama Lady: Adventures in Queer Parenting points out the problem of race, class and health when addressing co-sleeping deaths and calls to action better sleep education and breastfeeding support in underprivileged communities.
• Reflections on Cosleeping - Jenny at I’m a Full Time Mummy shares her thoughts on cosleeping and pictures of her cosleeping beauties.
• Cosleeping and Transitioning to Own Bed - Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine shares her experiences in moving beyond the family bed.
• What Works for One Family - Momma Jorje shares why cosleeping is for her and why she feels it is the natural way to go. She also discusses the actual dangers and explores why it may not be for everyone.
• Really High Beds, Co-Sleeping Safely, and the Humanity Family Sleeper - Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama gives a quick view of Jennifer’s bed-sharing journey and highlights the Humanity Family Sleeper, something Jennifer could not imagine bed-sharing without.
• Crying in Our Family Bed - With such a sweet newborn, why has adding Ailia to the family bed made Dionna at Code Name: Mama cry?
• Dear Mama: - Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares a letter from the viewpoint of her youngest son about cosleeping.
• Cuddle up, Buttercup! - Nada of The MiniMOMist and her husband Michael have enjoyed cosleeping with their daughter Naomi almost since birth. Nada shares why the phrase "Cuddle up, Buttercup!" has such special significance to her.
• Co-Sleeping With A Baby, Toddler, and Preschooler - Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how co-sleeping calls us to trust our inner maternal wisdom and embrace the safety and comfort of the family bed.
• Fear instead of Facts: An Opportunity Squandered in Milwaukee - Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction discusses Milwaukee’s missed opportunity to educate on safe cosleeping.
• Cosleeping: A Mini-rant and a Lovely Picture - Siobhan at Res Ipsa Loquitor discusses her conversion to cosleeping and rants a little bit about the Milwaukee Health Department anti-cosleeping campaign.
• Our Cosleeping Story - Adrienne at Mommying My Way shares her cosleeping story and the many bonus side effects of bedsharing.
• Cosleeping can be safe and rewarding Christy at Mommy Outnumbered shares how her cosleeping experiences have been good for her family.
• Adding one more to the family bed Lauren at Hobo Mama discusses the safety logistics of bed sharing with a new baby and a preschooler.
• The Truth About Bedsharing - Dr. Sarah at Parenting Myths and Facts discusses the research into bedsharing and risk - and explains why it is so often misrepresented.
• Cosleeping as a parenting survival tool - Melissa V. at Mothers of Change describes how she discovered cosleeping when her first baby was born. Melissa is the editor and a board member for the Canadian birth advocacy group, Mothers of Change.
• Dear Delilah - Joella at Fine and Fair writes about her family bed and the process of finding the cosleeping arrangements that work best for her family.
• CoSleeping ROCKS! - Melissa at White Noise talks about the evolution of cosleeping in her family.
• Safe Sleep is a Choice - Tamara at Pea Wee Baby talks about safe sleep guidelines.
• 3 Babies Later: The Evolution of our Family Bed - Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment talks about how her family’s cosleeping arrangements evolved as her family grew.
• Tender Moments - The Accidental Natural Mama discusses tender cosleeping moments.
• Cosleeping Experiences - Lindsey at An Unschooling Adventure describes how she ended up co-sleeping with her daughter through necessity, despite having no knowledge of the risks involved and how to minimise them, and wishes more information were made available to help parents co-sleep safely.
• The early days of bedsharing - Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares her early memories of bedsharing with her then new born and gets excited as she plans including their new arrival into their sleeping arrangements.
• The Joys of Cosleeping in Pictures - Charise of I Thought I Knew Mama shares pictures of some of her favorite cosleeping moments.
• Symbiotic Sleep - Mandy at Living Peacefully With Children discusses how the symbiotic cosleeping relationship benefits not only children but also parents.
• Co-sleeping Barriers: What’s Stopping You? - Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares how she was almost prevented from gaining the benefits of co-sleeping her family currently enjoys.
• Co-Sleeping with the Family Humanity Sleeper - Erica at ChildOrganics shares a way to make co-sleeping safe, comfortable and more convenient. Check out her post featuring the Humanity Organic Family Sleeper.
• Why We Cosleep - That Mama Gretchen’s husband chimes in on why cosleeping is a benefit to their family.
• Adding to the Family Bed - Darah at A Girl Named Gus writes about her co-sleeping journey and what happens when a second child comes along.

A big thank you to all of the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival participants!

A Week Of Secrets: #2

Psssssst......I'll tell you a secret.  But only if you promise not to tell anyone.

Partner-Guy and I haven't slept in the same bed, or even in the same room, in almost 4 years. 

And when I took this picture of Holly (5.5yrs) and Julian (11 months) a few nights ago, I really knew that NOT sleeping together was probably one of the greatest gifts we could give our children.

Cosleeping has never been an issue for either Partner-Guy or me.  When our oldest daughter Anna was born 7 years ago we had a borrowed crib set up in 'her' room, but we dismantled it at her first birthday when she had never slept in it.  Around that time we put a futon on the floor of 'her' room and I would lay down with her to go to sleep for every nap and at night. 

When Holly was born (when Anna was 20 months), Anna would go to sleep in 'her' bed while Holly slept with her two parents.  But Anna would wake up every night just after midnight and her dad would get her and put her in bed beside me and then he would go back to 'Anna's' room to sleep for the rest of the night.

By the time I was pregnant with Jasmine (now 3.5yrs) we had completely given up any idea of having a kid's bedroom and an adult bedroom.  We bought a high-quality queen-size bed to put in the smaller bedroom for Partner-Guy so that me and the girls could sleep in the king-size bed in the other bedroom.  (Note that we live in a two bedroom bungalow.) 

When Jasmine was born we simply added her to the bed.  We put a guard rail on Anna's side and a Humanity Bed on Jasmine's side.  Holly and I slept in the middle.  There simply was no issue with where everyone was going to sleep.



Photo taken about 2.5 hours after Jasmine was born.



And now we have Julian and somehow we still have space for everyone to sleep.  I know that this picture doesn't look like there is any room for me in the bed, but actually I fit just fine in the very center.  It's doable.  Everyone is happy and well-rested, and really, that's the goal, isn't it? 

When I was a La Leche League Leader I used to hear the following problem over and over from mothers:  I want to keep cosleeping but my husband/partner has had enough and wants the baby/child out of the bed.  La Leche League trains its leaders to be empathetic and gentle, but everytime I heard that problem I would just want to scream If your husband doesn't want to sleep with baby, tell him to sleep somewhere else.

OK. Not so empathetic.  I know.

The problem with the scenario the way the mothers always described it was that it was all about what SHE wanted and what HE wanted without considering what the baby wanted.  Ask yourself: What is the purpose of cosleeping?  Probably you would answer:  To make it easier for the mother to meet the baby's needs during the night with the least disruption to the sleep of the mother and the baby.  So who is not included in that scenario?  The husband/partner.

See, here's the thing:  Cosleeping is not about the spouse.  Did you get that?  COSLEEPING IS NOT ABOUT THE SPOUSE.  Cosleeping is about what is good for the baby and the mother.  If the spouse can't get a good night's sleep with the baby in the bed, he should go to another bed.** 

But I've heard all the arguments.  Let me spell them out for you.  He didn't get married so he can sleep alone.  He feels it's his right to sleep beside his mate.  He says he is building a life-long relationship with ME, not with the baby who will grow up and move out.  He won't have sex with the baby beside us.  He doesn't believe he should have to be kicked out of his own room.

Yeah.  OK.  Well, it's not about him.  Does he have to get up and go to work in the morning?  YES?  Then he is entitled to a good sleep.  And he'll get a great sleep alone in his own bed.  He'll even get up in the morning without disturbing anyone.  It's a great deal for everyone.  (And perhaps you noticed that I had baby last year but I haven't slept with my partner in almost 4 years?  It really does work out!  Really!)

So that's my 2nd secret?  What do you think?

**I've used the pronoun 'he' because although I worked with many mothers who had female partners, the cosleeping issue was only presented to me by mothers with male partners.

P.S.  Yes, I know that cosleeping is not for every mother.  No, I don't think you're a bad mother if you don't cosleep.

From the Heart

Welcome to the February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Essentials
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared the parenting essentials that they could not live without. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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I find parenting in public to be difficult.  When I hear about other people's parenting methods (like 'cold-turkey' weaning or the mother leaving her baby so she can go on vacation), I have to really search my heart to decide whether to stay silent or to just state how our way of doing things is different.  I try to remember that other parents love their children as much as I love mine even if they choose a different way of forming relationships with them.

But sometimes I know that I have to speak out against someone's parenting practices.  It's not about being judgemental or superior--it's about trying to encourage parents to form a closer, more trusting relationship with their child.

Recently I learned that someone who used to be a big part of my life had had a baby and was determined to use the cry-it-out method to make the baby (at 8 months old) fall asleep on his own at night.  I hear about the cry-it-out method all the time, and although it always makes my heart ache for the little one, I can usually put it out of my mind.  But because in this case the parent was someone with whom I used to enjoy a close relationship, and who I always believed would be a compassionate, authentic parent, I was really disturbed and I knew I had to act.

It had been over 5 years since I had had contact with that person, but I sent the following email:

Dear _________,
We have been out of each other's lives for a long time, but I felt very compelled to contact you today.

I am confused and distressed to hear that you have begun to let your baby cry himself to sleep at night.  I have always known you to be a kind and compassionate person and I know how eager you were to become a father.  For many nights I was unable to sleep as I pondered how you could have accepted this strange practice.

I can only assume that you are unaware of the dangers and drawbacks of letting your baby cry unconsoled.  Here are some articles that you may find helpful:

1. Dr. James McKenna is sleep researcher.  This article explains why it is natural to sleep next to your baby.
2. Dr. Sarah Buckley is an attachment parenting expert.  This article explains how making your baby sleep alone will not make him independent.
3. This article explains how the hormonal effects of prolonged crying alter the function of your baby's brain. 

Please know that I am not a hypocrite in this regard.  None of my 4 children has ever had to cry her/himself to sleep for any reason.  Even my oldest daughter, who is almost 7 years, still chooses how and where she will fall asleep and if she chooses my bedroom, that is fine with me.  Yet if you met her, you would see that she is not at all clingy or attention-seeking; she is, in fact, quite independent.

I have also taken the bold step of sending you a book that I find very helpful.  I turn to it regularly to guide me on my parenting journey.  You can read more about the author, Naomi Aldort, on her website.

I regret that I did not contact you with words of support and congratulations when your son was born.  I know that you are committed to being an excellent parent who would never deliberately do anything to prevent your child from achieving his full potential.  I hope that you will consider the information in these articles with regards to your son and sleep.

So I sent it, and I've never heard a word back about it. I did hear through the grapevine that the father in question did not read Naomi Aldort's excellent book.

But I don't care.  I felt so strongly about what they were doing to their baby that I could not be silent.  And since the relationship was already dead in the water, I felt I had nothing to lose. 

I hope I made a difference.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon April 12 with all the carnival links.)

• Natural Parenting Advocacy by Example — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction uses her blog, Twitter and Facebook as her natural parenting soapbox.
• You Catch More Flies With Honey — When it comes to natural parenting advice, Kate of The Guavalicious Life believes you catch more flies with honey.
• — Patti at Jazzy Mama searches her heart for an appropriate response when she learns that someone she respects wants his baby to cry-it-out.
• I Offer the Truth — Amy at Innate Wholeness shares the hard truths to inspire parents in making changes and fully appreciating the parenting experience.
• Advocating or Just Opinionated? — Momma Jorje discusses how to draw the line between advocating compassionately and being just plain opinionated. It can be quite a fine line.
• Compassionate Advocacy — Mamapoekie of Authentic Parenting writes about how to discuss topics you are passionate about with people who don't share your views.
• Heiny Helpers: Sharing Cloth Love — Heiny Helpers is guest posting on Natural Parents Network to share how they are providing cloth diapers and cloth diapering support to low income families.
• Struggling with Advocacy — April of McApril still struggles to determine how strongly she should advocate for her causes, but still loves to show her love for her parenting choices to those who would like to listen.
• Compassionate Advocacy Through Blogging (AKA –Why I Blog) — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares how both blogging and day-to-day life give her opportunities to compassionately advocate for natural parenting practices.
• A Letter to *Those* Parents — Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares how to write an informed yet respectful reply to those parents — you know, the ones who don't parent the way you do.
• Why I Am Not A Homebirth Advocate — Olivia at Write About Birth is coming out: she is a homebirth mom, but not a homebirth advocate. One size does not fit all – but choice is something we can all advocate for!
• Why I Open My Big Mouth — Wolfmother from Fabulous Mama Chronicles reflects on why she is passionate about sharing parenting resources.
• Watching and Wearing — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life advocates the joys of babywearing simply by living life in a small college town.
• Compassionate Advocacy . . . That's The Way I Do It — Amyables at Toddler in Tow describes how she's learned to forsake judgment and channel her social energy to spread the "good news" of natural parenting through interaction and shared experiences.
• The quiet advocate — Lauren at Hobo Mama cringes when she thinks of the obnoxious way she used to berate people into seeing her point of view.
• I Am the Change — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro describes a recent awakening where she realized exactly how to advocate for natural parenting.
• Public Displays of Compassion — The Accidental Natural Mama recounts an emotional trip to the grocery store and the importance of staying calm and compassionate in the storm of toddler emotions.
• I will not hide behind my persona — Suzi Leigh at Attached at the Boob discusses the benefits of being honest and compassionate on the internet.
• Choosing My Words — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom shares why she started her blog and why she continues to blog despite an increasingly hectic schedule.
• Honour the Child :: Compassionate Advocacy in the Classroom — Lori at Beneath the Rowan Tree shares her experience of being a gentle and compassionate parent — with other people's children — as a classroom volunteer in her daughter's senior kindergarten room.
• Inspired by the Great Divide (and Hoping to Inspire) — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis shares her thoughts on navigating the "great divide" through gently teaching and being teachable.
• Introverted Advocacy — CatholicMommy at Working to be Worthy shares how she advocates for gentle parenting, even though she is about as introverted as one can be.
• The Three R's of Effective and Gentle Advocacy — Ana at Pandamoly explains how "The Three R's" can yield consistent results and endless inspiration to those in need of some change.
• Passionate and Compassionate: How do We do It? — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares the importance of understanding your motivation for advocacy.
• Sharing the love — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine talks about how she shares the love and spreads the word.
• What Frank Said — Nada at miniMOMist has a good friend named Frank. She uses his famous saying to demonstrate how much natural parenting has benefited her and her family.
• Baby Sling Carriers Make Great Compassionate Advocacy Tools — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey shared her babywearing knowledge — and her sling — with a new mom.
• Everyday Superheroes — Who needs Superman when we have a community of compassionate advocates?! Dionna at Code Name: Mama believes that our community of gentle bloggers are the true superheroes.
• Words of advice: compassionately advocating for my parenting choices — MrsH at Fleeting Moments waits to give advice until she's been asked, resulting in fewer advocacy moments but very high responsiveness from parents all over the spectrum of parenting approaches.
• Peaceful Parenting — Peaceful parenting shows at Living Peacefully with Children with an atypical comment from a stranger.
• Speaking for birth — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud soul-searches about how she can advocate for natural birth without causing offense.
• Gentle is as Gentle Does — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares how she is gently advocating her parenting style.
• Walking on Air — Rachael at The Variegated Life wants you to know that she has no idea what she's doing — and it's a gift.
• Parenting with my head, my heart, and my gut — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares her thoughts on being a compassionate advocate of natural parenting as a blogger.
• At Peace With the World — Megan at Ichigo Means Strawberry talks about being an advocate for peaceful parenting at 10,000 feet.
• Putting a public face on "holistic" — Being public about her convictions is a must for Jessica at Crunchy-Chewy Mama, but it takes some delicacy.
• Just Be; Just Do. — Amy at Anktangle believes strongly about her parenting methods, and also that the way to get people to take notice is to simply live her life and parent the best she knows how.
• One Parent at a Time... — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that advocating for Natural Parenting is best accomplished by walking the walk.
• Self-compassion — We're great at caring for and supporting others —from our kiddos to other mamas — but Lisa at Gems of Delight shares a post about treating ourselves with that same sense of compassion.
• Using Montessori Principles to Advocate Natural Parenting — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells how she uses Montessori principles to be a compassionate advocate for natural parenting.
• Advocacy? Me? — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante discovers that by "just doing her thing," she may be advocating for natural parenting.
• Feeding by Example — Mama Mo at Attached at the Nip shares her experience of being the first one of her generation to parent.
• Compassionate Consumerism — Erica at ChildOrganics encourages her children to be compassionate consumers and discusses the benefits of buying local and fair trade products.
• The Importance of Advocating Compassionately — Kristen at Adventures in Mommyhood acts as a compassionate advocate by sharing information with many in the hopes of reaching a few.
• Some Thoughts on Gentle Discipline — Excellent resources - thank you for giving me a new article from Natural Child Project, I love that site!!
• Compassionate Advocacy: Sharing Resources, Spreading the Love — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle shares how her passion for making natural choices in pregnancy, birth, and parenting have supported others in Dominica and beyond.
• A journey to compassion and connection — Jessica at Instead of Institutions shares her journey from know-it-all to authentic advocacy.
• Advocacy Through Openness, Respect, and Understanding — Melissa at The New Mommy Files describes her view on belief, and how it has shaped the way she advocates for gentle parenting choices.
• Why I'm not an advocate for Natural Parenting — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog delivers the shocking news that, after 10 years of being a mum, she is NOT an advocate for natural parenting!
• Carnival of Natural Parenting: Compassionate Advocacy — Even in the progressive SF Bay Area, Lily at Witch Mom finds she must defend some of her parenting choices.
• A Tale of Four Milky Mamas — In this post The ArtsyMama shares how she has found ways to repay her childhood friend for the gift of milk.
• don't tell me what to do — Pecky at benny and bex demonstrates compassionate advocacy through leading by example.

The Sleep Challenge

I'm out on a new limb here. It's part of parenting authentically but it's scaring me a little.

No bedtimes. For anyone.

I call myself a co-sleeper, but sleeping next too my nursing baby and laying down with my 6 1/2 year old until she falls asleep are two scenarios at completely different ends of the co-sleeping spectrum. Until this week I had been combining these two activities in order to make my life a little easier. That means that I was laying down to nurse the baby to sleep and all the children would go to sleep at the same time. Sometimes I had to stay in the room for an hour or more until everyone was asleep. I didn't mind because I figured there was a pay-off: an hour or two of time in the evening with all the children asleep.

But for the last month Anna has been complaining every night that she's not tired at bedtime. Some nights she would lay down, complain that she wasn't tired, and then be sound asleep in 5 minutes. But other nights she would lay there awake for an hour or more and I would be ready to get up (to do my own thing for a while) but I would stay and stay and stay until she fell asleep. I started to feel bad for me and bad for her and I knew that I needed a new solution.

Yes, it's been pretty nice to be able to put all my kids to bed at the same time every night. I keep a strict policy that no one at my house should ever have to cry themselves to sleep (well, I've cried myself to sleep a few times, but not at this house...). The baby nurses for 20-30 minutes while I sing to Jasmine. Anna and Holly typically sing or talk to themselves or their stuffed animals for a while before falling asleep. And I rarely leave the room until everyone is asleep. I've enjoyed my evenings spent at the computer or watching TV or reading or talking on the phone. Sometimes I even give Partner-Guy a little attention.

So it took me a month of listening to Anna complain for me to be willing to look for a solution. There were a few problems I had to figure out. First, if she stayed up later, then Holly and Jasmine would almost certainly want to stay up later too. Second, when Anna was ready to go to bed she would want me to lay down with her and I couldn't picture giving up 'my time' in the evenings to lay down twice. Third, she would likely start wanting to stay up until I went to bed and then she would end up too tired and miserable the next day. Fourth, my private time with Partner-Guy is already pretty limited and letting her impose on his quiet evening might create problems between he and I.

But the thing about Authentic Parenting is that parents have to trust and respect kids. I didn't feel good about controlling Anna by making her go to bed at a certain time just to accommodate me. And my list of problems is really just a list of my own fears. So I decided to face my fears, let her stay up and just see what would happen.

So the first few nights Jasmine and Holly wanted to stay up too. As it turned out, Julian was fussing around and he stayed up a little later too. By the time Julian was ready for bed, Jasmine was ready to go to bed too. Holly was afraid she would miss the opportunity to lay down with me, so she came to bed at a reasonable time too. I was relieved that Holly and Jasmine were able to listen to the cues of their own bodies telling them that it was time to sleep.

But Anna is really committed to doing things her own way. She knows when she is feeling tired but, as I kind of predicted, she wants to stay up until I go to bed. So far I am finding the patience to let her do as she pleases. I have told her that I need the evenings to do the things that I enjoy and that I can't do during the day when all 4 kids need my attention. She will figure out whether she wants to stay up or go to bed by herself (with her sleeping sisters, of course) or go to bed earlier when the others are going to bed. I am willing to let her figure this out for herself and hopefully she will sort it out in the next couple of weeks.

I admit that it's hard for me to let go of bedtimes. Ultimately, bedtimes are a mainstream idea which mainstream parents use to control their children in order to fulfil their own belief that they deserve time to themselves. It's getting rid of the children under the guise of 'they need their sleep.' And I agree that children need adequate sleep for all the same reasons that mainstream parents would list. But maybe it's OK for children to get their sleep on their own terms? So just like I don't make Julian take a nap just because I think he must be getting tired, maybe I shouldn't make Anna go to bed just because I think she must be getting tired. And I have a big advantage over mainstream parents--my children don't have to get out of bed and race off to school every morning. If we go to bed later at night we simply sleep later in the morning. Now that's freedom and joy, isn't it?

Parenting is not meant to be done in a way that is convenient for the parents but shows no regard for the needs of the children. I am learning this. And I admit that it is hard for me to let go of this aspect of control. I have a lot of fears and letting any of them go is a challenge. I have had to carefully consider the topic of sleep now that my children are not babies anymore. Putting a 6-year-old to bed against her will is no different than putting a baby down to cry himself to sleep in that both are done to serve the parent's agenda and not for the good of the child. I must not be a hypocrite in this regard.

I am grateful to Anna for teaching me this lesson.