Watch Your Words

I'm participating in the Mindful Mothering Carnival today, but over on my new website.

I've written about how I want my words to match my intentions and I've had to learn to STOP saying certain common expression.

Please join me there!

http://www.canadianunschooler.com/watch-your-words/ ‎

The One Where I'm Shamelessly Self-Promoting....

My new website is LIVE!

I'm still working on uploading more content and getting my e-books and audios linked to their graphics.

I would be SO THRILLED if you would head over and take a look around?

www.canadianunschooler.com

While you're there, will you leave your email?  You'll instantly receive an AUDIO and a PDF Report...FREE!!

I'm planning to ask a few of my blogging-mommy friends if you would be willing to promote my new site during the week of my launch:  around April 1.  Let me know if you'd like a guest post or a little blurb to put on your FB page.  Thanks, friends!  I love you all so much and I look forward to serving you with more Unschooling information over on my new site.

Freedom and joy to you all!

Ending the Bully-Victim Paradigm

Today the East York Mirror (a free weekly newspaper for the little pocket of Toronto where I live) published a  piece on bullying under the title "Parents play a key role in mediation".

The article describes how the mother of a "mercilessly" bullied 10-year-old boy did everything she could to work with the school to solve the problem but that eventually she pulled her son out of public school and sent him to a private school.

Apparently her attempts to work with the school and the other parents were not accepted, as the parents of the other children refused to participate.  I was pleased to see that a representative of the school board, someone described as "a gender-based violence prevention co-ordinator", was quoted as saying, "That's sad, because the support for the perpetrator is as important as the support for the victim--perhaps even more so."

Friends, let's get very clear about bullies.  A person acting as a bully is a scared, lonely, hurting, sad, insecure and immature person, no matter their age.  All the rules and interventions and education in the world are not going to stop the bully because bullying is not a behaviour problem:  it's a relationship problem.

Bullying is not a behaviour problem:  it's a relationship problem.


And it's not about the bully's relationship with the victim--it's about the bully's relationship with him or her SELF.  A confident young person who is in total integrity with his or her self will never act as a bully.  That's because we act on the outside the way we feel on the inside.  A sad and broken person knows only how to create more sadness and brokenness.

Certainly, both the victim and the bully need support and counselling, and so do their parents.  Their parents need to learn how to empower their children with confidence and integrity.  The school cannot truly solve the problem, but they can be instrumental in providing the assistance.  Perhaps there have to be sanctions in place to force parents to get involved in a committed and serious way--long term suspensions of their child unless the parent complies, or a fine or even the threat of removing the child from the home.  It's sad that taking responsibility would have to be mandated, but the current system is clearly not working.

Maybe a proactive approach would be that all children in Kindergarten and Grade 1, along with their parents, would be required to attend workshops that teach confidence building, conflict resolution skills and self-awareness.  We can't blame parents for not teaching these skills at home when they might not even know how! The school system could be instrumental in solving the bully-victim paradigm by mandating participation, and all children and their parents would benefit.  Attendance at a series of workshops is a pretty small price to pay for 13 years of schooling, no?
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I've prepared a FREE AUDIO that addresses this topic, which will soon be available on my new website, www.canadianunschooler.com.  (It's not up and running yet, as my web designer is still putting on the final touches.)  To make sure you don't miss out on my free offers, you can LIKE my new Facebook page:  CanadianUnschooler.  (Eventually, the Jazzy Mama blog will cease to exist, but I hope to better serve my readers on the topics of Homeschooling and Unschooling over at my new site.  See you there in about a month!)

Are we even asking the right questions yet?

The public education system.
Brought to you by the same people who thought Residential Schools were a good idea.

Our Family Size

Welcome to the first Family Size Blog Carnival!
This post was written for inclusion in the Family Size Blog Carnival hosted by Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling and Patti at Jazzy Mama. Today our participants share their decisions on family size and whether or not to grow their families. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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There has always always been only one consideration in our family when it comes to adding another child:  Do we want to?

And the answer has always been a resounding YES.

We operate on the theory that more love is better than less and that no child of ours will ever have a reason to wish he or she had never been born.  We have embraced the spiritual concept of Abundance;  we believe that our needs will always be met, that our hearts will always be full of love and that we are capable of handling whatever comes our way.

I love being the mother of 4 children, and I look forward to being the mother of more.  I love everything about conception (blush), pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.  I feel confident that my body can continue to grow and nourish more babes.  I want another baby and the day is coming when another one will join our family.

New Parents!  Baby Anna, 2 weeks old, May 2004

One day old baby Holly with 20 month old Anna

Jasmine, 2 weeks old, January 2008

The older, wiser parents with Julian, 6 days old, July 2010

Would you believe me if I tell you that the more babies I have, the easier it gets?  The more I get into my groove as a mother, the more confident I feel that I could keep adding to our family until my time runs out.  Umm, that's my fertility, not my life! The excitement and anticipation involved in pregnancy is by far the most fun I've ever had.  The thrill of creating a new person and then getting to live in a deeply connected relationship with that person and getting to find out all the nuances of his or her uniqueness--Oh, the joy!  I get a rush of pleasure just thinking about it.

Are you waiting for the drum roll and the announcement that Baby #5 is on the way?  Alas, not this year.  And not even next year.  Beginning in 2014 we are planning on travelling for 14 months and we have decided that we don't want to do it with a toddler or baby.  So although it seems like EONS from now, we have decided not to grow our family until 2015.  And since I'm not getting any younger, we'll just have to see what happens from there!
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Visit City Kids Homeschooling and Jazzy Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Family Size Blog Carnival!
Please take some time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants below:

• The Perfect Family The family at Living Peacefully With Children isn't perfect, but the size is just right for them...at least for now.
• Family Size Carnival Zoie at TouchstoneZ discusses how she loves the extremes of being happily child-free for life to being a mom of several. And on knowing when her family is just the right size.
• Is Adoption for Me? Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares why she would consider adoption as the socially responsible way to have a large family.
• Getting Used to Having Kids Lauren at Hobo Mama went from "probably one, maybe two" to wanting a handful, but not without some major struggles and soul searching along the way.
• Magic Number For a while, Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales has wondered what the magic number will be for their family, but now thinks she's finally settled on an answer.
• How Did You Get That Size Jorje explains how she "chose" her family size and why they aren't planning to grow again on Momma Jorje.com.
• Family Size On A Per Kid Basis Sarah at Parenting God's Children shares how plans change as families grow.
• More Babies: How, When, Why Joella at Fine and Fair writes to her daughter about when, how, and why she might get a sibling.
• Family Size Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares how she has no idea what size her family will end up being; though she used to be sure, a few factors have recently come up to change everything.
• Thy Will Be Done CatholicMommy hasn't decided how many children she'll have. And she never will. Because, you know, she's Catholic.
• Sanity and Health Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment talks about sanity and health considerations when deciding on her family's size.
• Love Comes In All Sizes Melissa at Mothers of Change shares her family's journey to becoming a family of six!
• Family Size Liz at Homeschooling in Buffalo discusses how this carnival occurs less than two weeks after "closing up shop" by way of vasectomy.
• Family Size Blog Carnival Billy, a single mother by choice, writes about the size of her family at My Pathway to Motherhood.
• Creating Your Perfect Family Size Dr. Alan Singer shares insights from his new book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size.
• Our Family Size You might not be surprised to learn that Patti at Jazzy Mama can't find any reasons NOT to have more babies.
• Economics of Family Size Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling uses an economic cost-benefit analysis to determine her family's optimal size.

Your Child. Stress-Free Learning. Right now.

Assuming that the school system knows what’s best for your child is like saying that the bank knows what’s best for your money.

How to go from SAHM to WAHM: Part 3

Part 1:  Getting READY to Get Started
Part 2:  Finding the Time

Today:  What is a Wellness Business?  (And BTW, you are totally Awesome!)

It has been an amazing discovery for me that many of the people online whose advice I pay for or whose products I buy are NOT trained professionals with degrees and other credentials.  I have bought e-books and mp3 files from parenting coaches who never went to university, simply because I liked what they had to say.  I have bought natural wellness products on the advice of non-medically trained practioners, simply because I trusted them.  I have paid for phone coaching and in-person coaching with women who were intuitively able to bring me to my deepest understanding of myself, and they were not psychologists or psychiatrists or even trained therapists.

The point is:  Some people have amazing innate skills and talents that they are able to share with others and they make a living doing so.  And the even BIGGER point is:  So can I and so can you.

Did you know that the biggest THING you have to sell is your own experience?  This is what a Wellness Business is all about.  You take your experience with a product or a process that has enriched or transformed your life and you teach it to other people in exchange for money.  There are thousands and thousands of people making hundreds of thousands of dollars who do just that.

They are not better than you or me.
They are not smarter than you or me.
They are not more deserving than you or me.
They are not luckier than you or me.

They just figured out what they needed to do to market their messages and they had the courage to GO FOR IT.

I have a message, and I've discovered that there are parents who want to hear it and who will pay for my help.  My message is that children are wired to learn and they require very little outside influence to learn all that they need to in order to live a fulfilling life and become mature adults.  I teach parents how to create a family culture in which children can thrive as they learn.  I help them to stop fighting with their kids about school and to stop fighting with the school about their kids.  I teach them to rethink everything they thought was good about schools and to instead focus on what is good for their child.  I offer solutions to the social, emotional, academic and behaviour problems that their child might be exhibiting at school so that the child can learn in freedom and joy.

I bet you have a message, too.  Maybe you've been through a divorce that brought you to your knees but you found courage and consciousness on the other side and you could teach other women how to be empowered.  Maybe you are really good at recycling and re-purposing things that other people would put in the garbage and you can teach how to live in a more sustainable, affordable way.  Maybe you are the mother of a special-needs child and you know how to teach other mothers how to practice self-care so that they don't become burnt out.  Maybe you're a child abuse survivor and you know how to unload all that baggage and love your own kids unconditionally.

I read so many blogs that make me think, "Wow.  You have an awesome message.  You could totally be making money here!"  And I know that lots of mom-bloggers believe that there is something cathartic and healing and unselfish about offering their experiences and wisdom for free.  But I think that you gain credibility and confidence when you earn money for what you offer. There is no prize for earning LESS than your potential.  Poverty is not morally superior to wealth.  Money is completely amoral;  it is just a tool we use for the fulfilment of our life's purpose.  Because you know, it's really hard to live up to your full potential when all you can think about is your very meagre budget.

If you are in a situation where you want to stop worrying about money and start earning money, I want to hear from you.  Because I already know that you are worthy and important and totally awesome.  And I already know that there has never been a better time to bring YOUR message of healing to the world.

Next post:  How Clarity comes from Creation

How to go from SAHM to WAHM: Part 2

Today I'm going to answer that crazy, crazy question:  How does she do it all?


Well, I don't.

Last fall when I decided to enrol in a business course, I was really nervous that I couldn't handle adding anything new to my list of daily activities and responsibilities. The training is offered through live teleconferences and webinars and they are at times when I am generally home alone with my 4 children, so I wasn't sure how that would work.  Also, it seemed prudent to actually start to DO the tasks we were taught about, since talking about making money is one thing, but actually doing things that produce an income is quite another!

As it turned out, the training calls are recorded, so I download them to my iPod and listen to them at night before I fall asleep.  Sometimes it takes me 5 nights to listen to a 90-minute training, but I love that I can go back and listen as often as I want.  Many of the trainings involve coaching in Belief Breakthrough, so I am often repeating the words of the meditations as I lie in bed with my sleeping babes around me.

Getting started on product creation was actually been really easy to find time for.  You see, when you find something you love to do then it doesn't feel like work.  In other words, we easily make time for our priorities.  Like most people, I had never really thought about the possibility of getting paid for something that I love to do, so it has been a most pleasant experience to discover all the different ways that I can use my skills and knowledge and experience to make money.

Finding time is really all about changing the way you think:  If you believe that you never have enough time, you won't have enough time.  Instead, if you change your thoughts to a belief that you always have time for everything that you love to do, you will find the time.  It seems so simple, and it really works.

In the fall, I hired Partner-Guy's teenage niece to come over for 5 consecutive Saturdays so that I could participate in a live training call.  She folded the laundry and cleaned up the kitchen and played with the kids.  I loved the help, and I highly recommend finding a way to get involved in some LIVE training and coaching if you possibly can.  Since Christmas, I've arranged for Partner-Guy to take the kids out every Saturday for a few hours so that I can focus on product creation.  I also occasionally do my work when all the children are asleep at night.

So I haven't had to take much time away from my family at all.  In fact, I consider it to be a GIFT to my children that they are getting more time with their dad than they would if I were not trying to start a business.

But my family is YOUNG, and Julian is still nursing about 12 times/day and even the older children are not interested in being sent here and there on a regular basis so that Mommy can sit at the computer.  And I get that.  It really is a balance and I'm not one to put my agenda ahead of my children's needs.

If you come to my home you will see that my floors are not clean enough to eat off of (although that doesn't always stop us!) and there are probably toys and books all over.  But the kids are always fed and happy and doing their own thing.  I pick up toys and books just once per day (at bedtime) and I cook just one hot meal per day.  We eat homemade bread and fruit and raw vegetables for our other meals and snacks.  I admit that there has been some complaining from my older daughters about the lack of food selection, but they are not malnourished by any stretch, and they are even learning to make some food for themselves.  (Last week my 7.5 yo made muffins all by herself and even put them in the oven!)

Here are my suggestions for finding time for a new business when you are home with young children:

1. Let go of any schedules.  Be flexible and never worry about not finishing something that you are working on.  Whenever you put your children ahead of your 'work' you will be rewarded with peace and freedom.
2. Realize that change happens.  You can't add 30 hours of business-related work to your life every week and still meet all your old obligations.  This is a great time to EDIT things from your life that don't bring freedom and joy to your life or to your family.
3. Lower your standards.  (My mom is probably laughing about this--like, how much lower can MY standards get??!!)  But seriously, do you HAVE to vacuum every day or clean the bathroom every week?  I don't.  And we survive.
4. Rejoice and be glad!!  Life is AWESOME and you are exactly where you need to be and you are worthy and enough RIGHT NOW.  Embrace every part of your day, every day.  Whatever happens is exactly what you need right now to move you to where you want to be.

Next post:  What it means to start a 'wellness' business and why you are totally amazing!

How to go from SAHM to WAHM: Part 1

So I mentioned in my last post that I'm going to let go of the safety-net that I've been holding on to by resigning from my position as a teacher here in Toronto.  I'm a little SCARED, but it's the kind of fear that MOTIVATES me, not the kind that IMMOBILIZES me.  You know what I meant?

And yes, I'm going to be launching a business this spring.  I've been taking a couple of courses for the past 4 months and I have learned SO MUCH and I will soon be ready to take the plunge and put myself and my ideas OUT THERE for everybody to see and talk about... and BUY, presumably.

I know that many of my readers are WAHM-wannabes.  You love being home with your kid(s) but you also really want to contribute to the family income.  You know there are things that you are good at, but you don't know how to market your skills and knowledge to make some money.

Well, lucky you!  Because I'm going to share with you some of what I've been learning.  Of course, it might mean more to you to hear it from someone who has actually MADE MONEY already working from home!  But perhaps you'll benefit from hearing about my journey so far...

1. Know WHY you want to make money.  You want to pay for private school for your child.  Or you want to move to a better neighbourhood.  Or you want to buy a farm.  Or you want your partner to be able to retire (that's my reason!).  Keeping your REASON really clear will help you to stay focussed and not give up.  It is NOT materialistic or immoral to want more money so that you can provide a better life for your family and so that you can all live up to your full potentials and be who you were born to be.  
2. Begin with ONE idea.  Examples:  You want to empower moms who have suffered post-partum depression because you've been through it and you know what really helps.  You want to make and sell gender-neutral baby clothes so that parents don't have to buy two different wardrobes for their boy-and-girl children.  You want to sell the totally awesome homeschool package on Geography for 4-8 year olds that you created last year for your own family.   You want to help parents whose children aren't being served by the one-size-fits-all model of public education.   (Yup, that's my idea.)
3. Start somewhere.  You don't have to have lots of products and a whole marketing program in place to launch a business.  You only have NOW, so use it.  Don't put enormous pressure on yourself because it is really hard to focus and to attract the right kind of customer when you are coming from a place of desperation.
4. Make sure your partner is on board.  If you are spending a lot of time at the computer or at the sewing machine or with your nose in a book, it really helps your partner to want to help you carve out time to do those things if he understands that you are moving towards an income.  
5. Get help to learn what you don't know.

I enrolled in a business course in the fall and it has been, without a trace of irony, the best learning experience of my life.  This course teaches not only how to get online and market and create drip-campaigns and search engine optimization and freemiums (yeah, seriously!), it also teaches how to clear your negative energy about selling to people or about not believing that you are good enough or smart enough or deserving enough to really make money using your skill or knowledge.  It's awesome.  I am a totally changed woman from everything I have learned in this course.

Just FYI:  it costs $497 to enrol, and then $97/month after that for as long as you want.  Once you enrol, you have access to ALL the recordings of all the training calls since October and all the PDF files for templates and additional training.  The coach's name is Heather Madder, and you can find her information and some free downloads by clicking on the graphic above.  (Email me if you want to find out how to get your enrolment for FREE!)

Tomorrow I'm going to tell you how I find time to work on starting a business, take a course and be a mom to 4 unschooled kids under the age of 7 while also making all our food from scratch and not letting the house turn into a pigsty.  Yup, it's possible, and you can do it too!

Natural Treatment for Severe Childhood Eczema

When my daughter Jasmine was 18 months old, eczema covered half of her little body.  Doctors had told me that it was a benign childhood condition, but she scratched sometimes until blood and tissue were under her fingernails. At night she couldn't sleep unless she was 'sedated' with Benadryl and Tylenol.

An allergist had told us her condition was not caused by food or environmental factors.   I was beside myself with frustration and deep, deep sadness that my baby was so miserable and I was powerless to help her.

Her eczema had begun at just 6 weeks old with red spots on her cheeks.  By 3 months old, she had oozing red patches bigger than the palm of her hand.  She was given antibiotics and a huge assortment of prescription creams.  Absolutely no medical intervention helped.

We sought help from a naturopathic doctor (Dr. Peter Klassen in Waterloo) who ordered an IgG test which examines food sensitivities for over 100 different foods using only 3 tiny drops of blood. While we waited for the results he put both me and Jasmine on a G-I cleanse: no red meat, no dairy, no acids or citrus.

 The IgG test results revealed that Jasmine had an extreme sensitivity to eggs and a high sensitivity to dairy, gluten, soy, peanuts, sesame and citrus. Immediately those foods were eliminated from her diet and mine, along with preservatives, yeast and sugar. It was essential that I follow the restricted diet strictly, since at that time Jasmine was still nursing up to 20 times/ day. She began a regimen of homeopathic treatments and other supplements including vitamins C and D, calcium/magnesium, acidophilus, fish oil and flax oil.

Within a month Jasmine's eczema was completely gone. GONE. She began to eat and eat and eat and to nurse less. She slept through the night. I recovered my sanity. I fell in love with Dr. Peter....no, no, no, not really. But I sure was impressed!

Now Jasmine is 4 years old.  We control her eczema by avoiding most of the foods that trigger the bright red popcorn-looking spots that erupt behind her knees, on her ankles, inside her elbows and sometimes on her cheek bones that itch like crazy.

To take away the itch I apply Melaleuca, commonly called Tea Tree Oil.  But not all tea tree oil is created equal!  I once purchased a bottle of tea tree oil at a health food store that was so strong I could only use it in the laundry because just the scent of it stung my eyes.

Melaleuca as a Certified Pure Therapeutic Grade Essential Oil is the perfect topical treatment for the horrible burning and itching of eczema.  When I apply it directly to Jasmine's skin it is instantly soothed and moisturized and she doesn't scratch at all.  The MDs all told me to put cortisone cream on her, but knowing the harmful side effects made me seek a safe alternative.

If your child has eczema, I strongly recommend getting an IgG test.  I paid $220 for it and it has been worth every dime.  If you learn how to control your child's eczema through diet, then when an outbreak occurs, you can treat it with Melaleuca Essential Oil to take away the itch.

Jasmine, age 3.5 years, virtually eczema-free

I'm not a doctor, just a mom who's been through the frustration of childhood eczema.  If you have any questions, please contact me.

In Which a Child is Assaulted and the School Does Nothing

Trigger Warning:  Contains sexual content


Recently, a colleague from my days as a teacher shared the following story:

A class of Grade 3 students was assembling on the carpet of the library.  An 8-year-old boy walked in front of a girl in the class who was seated.  He faced her, bent his knees and began to pump his pelvis in front of her face.  Other children pointed and laughed.  Then he bopped her on the head with his hand and sing-songed, "Ha ha, you got tea-bagged!"  Children continued to laugh as the boy skipped away and the little girl began to cry.  She wiped her eyes and sucked back the tears as the librarian called the class to attention and began the lesson.

Are you as horrified as I am by this event?


Let's be perfectly clear:  That little girl was sexually assaulted.


Hopefully she went home and told her parents exactly what happened.  It doesn't matter if she understood what the boy was acting out--she knows that she was uncomfortable and humiliated and that she was treated with aggression.  Hopefully her parents raised some hell at the school, at the very least demanding that the boy be moved to another class.

But from what I heard, nothing happened.  The boy was not punished nor even spoken to about his actions.  His parents were not phoned.  The little girl's parents were not phoned.  The incident was ignored and school life continued.

Friends, this is normal every day stuff in the life of a child attending school.  And yet every time someone criticizes my family for choosing a different path of education, they invariably start with the argument that my children need to learn how to "cope in the world" and "how will they ever be socialized?"

If that had been my daughter who was sexually assaulted on school property while a teacher did nothing, I would have immediately pulled my daughter out of school, contacted the director of education and phoned the media.  Somebody would have to answer for why school personnel are unwilling or unable to prevent and stop an act of sexual aggression.

It literally makes me feel sick to my stomach when I hear parents who really believe that events like this are no big deal and that the little girl will get over it.  If I were sitting at a library and some guy came up and started grinding his pelvis into my face, would we all decide that it was no big deal and I should get over it? Do children not deserve to be free from assault and aggression, regardless of the age and maturity of the perpetrator?

Parents:  Protect your Children.  You are not teaching them anything positive when you believe that they must go through bad experiences as they grow up.  What a horrible way to view life and to teach your child to view life!  I want my children to grow up with the belief that the world is a kind and wonderful place, where life is full of abundance and richness and where the spreading of joy results in more joy coming their way.

It's funny how it makes some people uncomfortable that I think that offering my children experiences of joy and freedom and abundance is good for them.  It's too bad so many people are so committed to their lives of scarcity and misery and frustration that they want the same experience for their children.

No thank you.

Call for Submissions: Family Size Blog Carnival

FAMILY SIZE BLOG CARNIVAL - CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS!

Please join Kerry @ City Kids Homeschooling and Patti @ Jazzy Mama for our first Family Size Blog Carnival!

• How do you make decisions on your family's size?

•  What factors do you consider when deciding how many children to welcome into your family?

• Are your decisions based on choice, circumstance, beliefs?

• Do you hope to continue to expand your family or are you done and why?

• When making family size decisions, what factors do you consider when selecting a birth control method?

• Do you have thoughts on sibling spacing? How do manage and attend to lots of little ones?

There are so many interesting angles to approach this topic and we hope you will share your thoughts and insights on family size for what promises to be an engaging, enjoyable and informative blog carnival!

We can't wait to hear from you! Please email your submissions by THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2ND to BOTH kmcdonald02138 {at} gmail {dot} com AND ptinh0441 {at} rogers {dot} com. The blog carnival will take place on THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 9TH.

In your email, please include the following information for your post:

Your Name:

Blog Name:

Blog URL:

Facebook Page:

URL In Advance: (If you don't know how to determine your post's URL in advance, click here for a helpful tutorial.)

Carnival Blurb: For example - Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares her thought process on deciding how many children to welcome into her family.

We look forward to hearing from you!

Cultural Influence on Education

I can certainly see with my girls that learning is a cultural phenomenon, unique to each family and community. 

If we made our living as dairy farmers (as my parents did), my girls would have a big understanding of the life cycle of cows and the planting of crops. If we ran a landscaping business, they'd know about trees and flowers and grades and soil. If we belonged to a church, it would form part of their community and they would learn there, too. Because we are literate, environmentally-minded, world-issue-conscious and committed to healthy living, our children will have those ideas as part of their culture. And because we live in a fast-paced, ethnically diverse city, they will have access to more ideas which will form their complete culture.

I think that culture is incredibly important in the education of children. (And by education I basically mean learning.) Culture determines priorities, perceptions and core values. I have read about a group of Mennonites or Hutterites who formed an isolated community in which to live within their beliefs without outside influence. Within two generations they were completely illiterate. But I bet their children could tend the animals, plant crops, bake bread, butcher a pig and make cheese. They probably understood weather patterns and the habits of wild animals, too. It goes to show that priorities determine education, as established by the culture of the community.

On Monday morning the principal at Partner-Guy's school made a school-wide announcement asking the students and staff to observe a moment of silence to remember the victims of the earthquake in Haiti and to be conscious of how many Haitian children are now without food, water and schools. Partner-Guy almost choked on his coffee when he heard her say that. As if schools are as important as food and water? And what about the Haitian children who are now without parents? Not as important as being without schools, apparently.

So why is it that whenever humanitarian aid is offered to impoverished regions, immediately teams of Westerners are sent to establish schools in the typical style of North America? Wouldn't it make sense to let the community establish its own educational priorities as reflected by their history, lifestyle and core values? I remember watching the Oprah special when she went to South Africa and built schools. Every child showed up for school wearing an American-style uniform and sat in desks in neat rows and wrote in notebooks and studied from textbooks. I couldn't believe it. Was she trying to make them into Americans? Just because the children study South African history, or read a novel written by a South African, does that mean their true educational needs are being met? And meanwhile, they are removed from the work of their parents for 8 hours a day and they lose the opportunity to learn meaningful life skills from them. I'm still confused.

I'm not anti-education. Really, I'm in favour of access to education for all. For example, preventing girls from attending school in Afghanistan is clearly just one more way that women are oppressed in that country. And literacy is a basic life skill that everyone should attain. Throughout the world ample evidence exists that access to education opens doors for people who would otherwise live generation after generation in perpetual poverty. But why has the word school come to mean just one style of education all over the world? ( It's like the word milk automatically connotes cow's milk, not soy milk or human milk even.)

This issue of forcing North American style schooling on the people of developing nations is one of the things that prevents me from giving to humanitarian groups such as Oxfam or Compassion or WorldVision. Instead, I keep my giving local by handing my pocket change to the homeless or panhandlers I see. I can't help it that my tax dollars fund a system of education that I don't endorse. (My tax dollars also fund a healthcare system that is wasteful and misguided, but I can't cover everything in one post.) But I can question where money is spent if I am going to make a donation to provide humanitarian aid overseas.

And I can remember everyday how fortunate I am to be raising my daughters in a time and place where I can not only ask these questions, but also follow my heart with regards to our priorities and core values.

School by Default

At least once per week since I wrote You're Not Homeschooling Because...Your Spouse is Against It, someone finds that post by doing a Google search:

• husband won't let me homeschool
• husband against homeschooling
• I want to homeschool but husband says no
• can I homeschool if my husband is against it

I totally get that a parent would not support homeschooling: choosing any path that is against the mainstream is a difficult decision.  It is hard to forge a new way.  And it is especially hard to choose NOT to do something for your children that you believe was actually really GOOD for YOU.

Even some of my friends who are pro-homeschool have chosen to send their children to school because their husbands won't accept homeschool as a viable option.

What is strange to me when spouses disagree about school vs. homeschool, is that SCHOOL always seems to be the default choice.  It is especially perplexing to me when the parents have otherwise been following many attachment parenting practices.

Should the default choice be to send small children away from all that makes them feel safe and confident?

Should the default choice be to surround small children with people who don't know anything about them?

Should the default choice be to put your unique child into an environment where conformity is demanded?

The longer I watch my children learn and mature on their own terms, the more I become surprised at the reasons why parents choose school even if they aren't sure it's the right choice.  When I imagine my authentic, creative children in an artificial and conformist environment, I cry for them.  And when I see children who were previously confident and happy but have turned both aggressive and insecure after just a short time in school, I also cry for them.  

Parents, if you are unsure whether school or homeschool is the right choice for your family, might I suggest considering the following?

1. Create a Family Mission Statement.  This means examining as a family what your priorities and values are and then deciding how to spend your time focussed on what really matters to you.
2. Define 'success'.  Look at whether your definition of FUTURE success depends on what you do right now.  For example, is your definition of success timeless, or do you define success according to age or dollar value?
3. For both School and Homeschool, describe what it will look like, sound like and feel like for EACH member of the family.  This is SO important...
4. Answer the question "What will this decision COST me?"  Financially?  Letting go of fears?  Family support?  Relationships?  Career?
5. Trust your child.  Love yourself.  Listen to what your child wants.  Listen to your heart.  Approve of your own decisions.  Seek support.  

I'd love to hear how YOU decided whether or not to homeschool.  What would you add to this list to help others decide what to do?

Support for Natural Parents

One of the smartest things I've done in my journey as a natural, authentic parent has been to seek support.  I've done this by following a few mommy-bloggers who I'm pleased have become my friends.  I've also read a number of great parenting books and joined some of the online forums that the authors have created.  And I've paid for coaching and support when I really needed it.

Friends, I have to tell you that I have never regretted one dime of the money I've spent to feel supported in my parenting journey.  There are some phenomenal coaches and mentors out there who have a message of parenting clarity.  I've learned how to examine my thinking in order to make changes beyond the physical realm.  In other words, rather than just getting support in my efforts to stop freaking out about us being late to get somewhere, I've learned how to examine my beliefs regarding time management and expectations.  More than once in the last year, I've been brought to my knees as I discovered how deeply embedded in my subconscious some of my negative beliefs were.

So I wish to introduce to you a new friend and mentor:  Teresa Graham Brett and her website, Parenting for Social Change.  This week Teresa is offering a FREE webinar for parents who are ready to turn conflict into connection.  I am used to paying $100+/hour for this type of information and support, so a FREE opportunity to learn from a truly intuitive and sensitive coach is quite rare!

To register for Teresa's webinar, please follow this link and leave your email address and she will send you all of the information so that you can participate.  (It's on January 11 at 3:30pm MST, which is 5:50pm EST.)

If you've ever considered learning from other deeply passionate and message-driven parenting mentors, I urge you take this opportunity.



For Freedom and Joy,
Patti

Please note that I am NOT an affiliate for Teresa Graham Brett.

Childhood Anxiety

A Reader asked:
"Hi do you have suggestions for helping a toddler (2.5 yr old) deal with anxiety? She's scared of insects & loud noises such as the smoke alarm & vacuum cleaner. She's also recently told me she's scared of santa. Her fears seem to be increasing so I am growing concerned for her. Many thanks."

Dear Friend,
You are a conscious and thoughtful parent to see your child's distress and to seek help in healing it.  I offer you a big hug and the warmest of smiles, because I can tell that you are fully Awake and Aware in your responsibilities as a mother.

Your 2.5 year old daughter is also fully conscious and aware of her feelings and needs.  She has shown you that she is afraid of certain situations or things or sounds or people.  She has shown YOU her fears because she trusts you to protect her and to create a safe environment for her so that she can get on with the important business of her life:  exploring, learning, discovering, playing, growing and maturing.

As much as is possible, avoid situations that bring out your child's fears and anxiety.  Hold her trust in you as a sacred privilege and don't ask her to do what she is telling you she is not yet capable of handling.  She is doing the best that she can do already, based on her knowledge and experience of the world.

When she is in an unavoidable situation where she is demonstrating her anxiety, respect her authenticity by doing whatever she asks:  leaving the place or holding her or shielding her from unwanted attention.  Tell her, "Yes, I can see you are scared.  Mommy will stay with you."  Validate without adding drama.  Empathize and empower.  Do not try to talk her out of her fear or ask her to engage in an activity she is scared of.  She will learn to trust her instincts when you honour her feelings and her trust in you will deepen also.

Are you worried that she will never get over her fears or that her fears are unreasonable?

Let me share something personal:  I have been afraid of frogs ever since I accidentally stepped on one when I was about 7 years old.  I understand that they cannot hurt me, yet if someone brought one into the room this instant I would run away and hide behind a locked door.  Now imagine if the person who loves me the most in this world decided without my permission that he was going to teach me to get over my fear by regularly exposing me to frogs.  Would I get over my fear?  Maybe eventually I would.  But I would also develop a resentful attitude toward the person who did not respect my fears and who wanted to impose his own agenda on me.  I would no longer trust him to accept and love my authentic self.

Similarly, there is no reason to try to 'train' your child out of her fears, unless you want her to develop a mistrust of you or her other caregivers.  Most childhood fears will naturally dissipate as the child matures.  The fears that persist deserve to be respected and honoured.  Your relationship with your daughter is bigger and more lasting than her fears.

Offer yourself the enormous love and respect that you deserve for caring so much about your daughter.  Release your own anxiety about her fears and let yourself fall into a deep, deep trust of her and all that she communicates to you.  You are her role model and she is your mirror--when your anxiety disappears, so will hers.

For Freedom and Joy,
Patti

Why Co-Sleeping Has Always Been the Right Choice for My Family

Welcome to the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival
This post was written for inclusion in the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival hosted by Monkey Butt Junction . Our bloggers have written on so many different aspects of cosleeping. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***
Every night I think about how lucky I am to be able to watch all four of my children fall asleep. I think of how lucky I am to be able to touch all of them at the same time and know that they are peaceful, safe and warm. I remember each of their births and how I promised each one that I would always be there for them; how I promised that I would give my love freely and generously. And I think of how good it is for them to fall asleep every night comforted by the warmth and proximity of the person who loves them the most in this world.

Then last night I thought of all the mothers whose hearts must long for a simple moment like watching their children fall asleep.

• I thought of the mother whose child lays in Sick Kids Hospital, hooked up to monitors and tubes, and how she would love to have him at home in her bed where she could hold him all night long.

• I thought of the mother at Auschwitz, not knowing if her children were alive, not able to comfort or protect them.

• I thought of the desolate mother with AIDS, herself alone in a bed, unable to care for her children.

• I thought of my own mother, who buried one of her three daughters, and then kept me in her bed well past my 4th birthday, where she could hold me and know that I was safe all night.

I was struck by enormity of the privilege I hold just to be able to watch and touch my children as they drift off to sleep. It just doesn't matter where my children sleep, as long as they are sleeping where they want to sleep. Occasionally they drag out sleeping bags and line them up on the floor at bedtime.  Occasionally someone falls asleep on the couch.  Occasionally they fall asleep in carseats.  All that matters is that they feel safe and loved and happy.  Wherever they fall asleep, they know that they will wake up all together in bed with ME.  It is a surety that they all take for granted.

There are no awards for how early a child sleeps alone all night. When I am old and frail none of my children will say "Mom, thanks for making me sleep alone when I was a baby, or I might never have learned how to sleep!!" If I win the Sleep Trophy it will be because none of my children has ever cried herself to sleep.

One day they will each sleep alone.  And probably the days of crying themselves to sleep will come: boyfriends will break up with them, a loved one will die, they won't get the job they lusted after, a friend will tell them a lie.

But for as long as I can, I will make bedtime a happy event of togetherness and connection.  It is my privilege to do so.
*******
Thanks for reading a post in the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival. On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the #CosleepCar hashtag.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
***

• Emotive Co-Sleeping Campaign - Miriam at Diary of an Unconscious Mother talks about her feelings on Milwaukee’s anti-cosleeping crusade and its latest advertising campaign.
• Why Cosleeping has Always been the Right Choice for My Family - Patti at Jazzy Mama shares how lucky she feels to have the privilege of sleeping with her four children.
• Cosleeping is a safe, natural and healthy solution parents need to feel good about. - See how Tilly at Silly Blatherings set up a side-car crib configuration to meet her and her families' needs.
• Black and White: Race and the Cosleeping Wars - Moorea at Mama Lady: Adventures in Queer Parenting points out the problem of race, class and health when addressing co-sleeping deaths and calls to action better sleep education and breastfeeding support in underprivileged communities.
• Reflections on Cosleeping - Jenny at I’m a Full Time Mummy shares her thoughts on cosleeping and pictures of her cosleeping beauties.
• Cosleeping and Transitioning to Own Bed - Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine shares her experiences in moving beyond the family bed.
• What Works for One Family - Momma Jorje shares why cosleeping is for her and why she feels it is the natural way to go. She also discusses the actual dangers and explores why it may not be for everyone.
• Really High Beds, Co-Sleeping Safely, and the Humanity Family Sleeper - Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama gives a quick view of Jennifer’s bed-sharing journey and highlights the Humanity Family Sleeper, something Jennifer could not imagine bed-sharing without.
• Crying in Our Family Bed - With such a sweet newborn, why has adding Ailia to the family bed made Dionna at Code Name: Mama cry?
• Dear Mama: - Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares a letter from the viewpoint of her youngest son about cosleeping.
• Cuddle up, Buttercup! - Nada of The MiniMOMist and her husband Michael have enjoyed cosleeping with their daughter Naomi almost since birth. Nada shares why the phrase "Cuddle up, Buttercup!" has such special significance to her.
• Co-Sleeping With A Baby, Toddler, and Preschooler - Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how co-sleeping calls us to trust our inner maternal wisdom and embrace the safety and comfort of the family bed.
• Fear instead of Facts: An Opportunity Squandered in Milwaukee - Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction discusses Milwaukee’s missed opportunity to educate on safe cosleeping.
• Cosleeping: A Mini-rant and a Lovely Picture - Siobhan at Res Ipsa Loquitor discusses her conversion to cosleeping and rants a little bit about the Milwaukee Health Department anti-cosleeping campaign.
• Our Cosleeping Story - Adrienne at Mommying My Way shares her cosleeping story and the many bonus side effects of bedsharing.
• Cosleeping can be safe and rewarding Christy at Mommy Outnumbered shares how her cosleeping experiences have been good for her family.
• Adding one more to the family bed Lauren at Hobo Mama discusses the safety logistics of bed sharing with a new baby and a preschooler.
• The Truth About Bedsharing - Dr. Sarah at Parenting Myths and Facts discusses the research into bedsharing and risk - and explains why it is so often misrepresented.
• Cosleeping as a parenting survival tool - Melissa V. at Mothers of Change describes how she discovered cosleeping when her first baby was born. Melissa is the editor and a board member for the Canadian birth advocacy group, Mothers of Change.
• Dear Delilah - Joella at Fine and Fair writes about her family bed and the process of finding the cosleeping arrangements that work best for her family.
• CoSleeping ROCKS! - Melissa at White Noise talks about the evolution of cosleeping in her family.
• Safe Sleep is a Choice - Tamara at Pea Wee Baby talks about safe sleep guidelines.
• 3 Babies Later: The Evolution of our Family Bed - Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment talks about how her family’s cosleeping arrangements evolved as her family grew.
• Tender Moments - The Accidental Natural Mama discusses tender cosleeping moments.
• Cosleeping Experiences - Lindsey at An Unschooling Adventure describes how she ended up co-sleeping with her daughter through necessity, despite having no knowledge of the risks involved and how to minimise them, and wishes more information were made available to help parents co-sleep safely.
• The early days of bedsharing - Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares her early memories of bedsharing with her then new born and gets excited as she plans including their new arrival into their sleeping arrangements.
• The Joys of Cosleeping in Pictures - Charise of I Thought I Knew Mama shares pictures of some of her favorite cosleeping moments.
• Symbiotic Sleep - Mandy at Living Peacefully With Children discusses how the symbiotic cosleeping relationship benefits not only children but also parents.
• Co-sleeping Barriers: What’s Stopping You? - Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares how she was almost prevented from gaining the benefits of co-sleeping her family currently enjoys.
• Co-Sleeping with the Family Humanity Sleeper - Erica at ChildOrganics shares a way to make co-sleeping safe, comfortable and more convenient. Check out her post featuring the Humanity Organic Family Sleeper.
• Why We Cosleep - That Mama Gretchen’s husband chimes in on why cosleeping is a benefit to their family.
• Adding to the Family Bed - Darah at A Girl Named Gus writes about her co-sleeping journey and what happens when a second child comes along.

A big thank you to all of the Safe Cosleeping Blog Carnival participants!

Can You LOVE WHAT IS at Christmas?

Welcome to the December Mindful Mama Carnival: Staying Mindful During the Holiday Season
This post was written for inclusion in the Mindful Mama Carnival hosted by Becoming Crunchy and TouchstoneZ. This month our participants have shared how they stay mindful during the holiday season. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***


There is just one phrase that keeps me grounded, centred and mindful during the holiday season:

Love What Is.


There are so many things about Christmas that could bring me down, but I choose to see my circumstances as a welcome opportunity for joy and freedom.


Would Christmas be better if my parents were not separated?  I don't know, but it might be easier in the sense that it would involve just one visit instead of two.  But I choose to Love What Is:  if my parents had not separated 3 years ago, I would not likely have initiated a more positive, connected relationship with either of them.  


Would Christmas be better if I had a relationship with my two brothers?  Sure.  And I'd love to meet my nephew who is just a few months older than Julian.  But I choose to Love What Is:  because of their anger towards me I have had the opportunity to look deep into my own heart, find forgiveness, and learn to love myself.  


Would Christmas be better if one of my daughters didn't have such a competitive attitude towards her sisters when it comes to receiving gifts?  Well, I'd likely enjoy shopping more if I didn't have her criticisms and critiques running through my head!  But I choose to Love What Is:  she is SO GENEROUS with her gifts for her sisters and I appreciate that she values quality over quantity.  


Would Christmas be better if my Partner-Guy's family was more easily able to accommodate the needs of my young family?  It would be busier, anyway!  But I choose to Love What Is:  the relatives are able to celebrate as much as they want without my little ones under foot and my children are able to enjoy their new toys and other acquisitions without having to relocate.


You see, I have spent many, many years dreading Christmas.  I used to feel my stress rise at Labour Day as I held my breathe until Thanksgiving, and then as soon as that was over my blood pressure would climb until Christmas was finally over.  I dreaded all the forced pleasantries and fake gratitude.  I hated pretending that I came from a perfect family when it was so apparent that we were all hurting and broken.  I felt sick about putting my authenticity aside to be a people-pleaser.  And I felt even sicker about making my children put their needs on hold to placate other people.


So now we do the holiday season with only one intent:  to maximize Freedom and Joy for the six of us and to Love What Is.  That which can't be changed, we accept.  That which brings us Joy, we seek.  That which creates greater Freedom for us and others, we choose.


In the true spirit of Love and Peace at Christmas, I choose to show Love and Peace to myself, my Partner-Guy and my children.  

Jasmine, Holly and Anna (Christmas 2009)

Can you let go of what you don't have at Christmas and Love What Is?
***
Visit The Mindful Mama Homepage to find out how you can participate in the next Mindful Mama Carnival!
On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy #MindMaCar hastag. You can also subscribe to the Mindful Mama Twitter List and Mindful Mama Participant Feed.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Enjoying Busy Times Moment by Moment Amy at Peace 4 Parents offers a handful of simple pointers to make the most of any busy season in your life.
• Staying A Mindful Mama During The Holiday Season Terri at Eco-Crazy Mom shares her thoughts on being a mindful mama, while keeping your sanity throughout the holiday season..
• Holiday Parenting: The Gift of Natural Play Moorea at MamaLady shares her holiday plan for mindfully spending time with children in her extended family.
• The ABC's of Mindful Parenting Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama provides a comprehensive list of Mindful Parenting Resultions for 2012. In addition, she briefly reviews her mindful parenting journey for this past year.
• The 123's of Mindful Parenting Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares part 3 of her Mindful Parenting series (Link will be live tomorrow, Dec 14).
• Mindful Mama Guest Post from Hybrid Rasta Mama Zoie at TouchstoneZ is honored to share Part 2 of Jennifer's series on staying Mindful for the Holidays.
• Saying No to Plastic Toys Nada at minimomist and her husband Michael, have certain rules when it comes to toys for their daughter Naomi. Here's how they deal with well-meaning gifts that don't quite work for their family.
• Can you LOVE WHAT IS at Christmas? With so many expectations and so many people's needs to accomodate, Patti at Jazzy Mama has decided to simply accept what can't be changed and love whatever happens.
• Minimal Temptation, Minimal Gifting Adrienne at Mommying My Way shares how not exposing herself to tempting purchases, as well as having fun family traditions, helps keep her Christmas list under control.
• Choice And Consequence In Conscious Mindfulness Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares her realisation that consciously monitoring our thoughts have a powerful effect on our lives, regardless of circumstances or influences.
• Nature-Inspired Christmas Tree Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling describes how she and her children discovered the beauty and simplicity of a nature-inspired holiday tree.
• Giving The Gift of Life Free Range Mama at My Healthy Green Family shares about teaching children how to look beyond the well-wrapped box and learn how to give. .
• Can a collection of moments be more than the whole? Tat at Mum in search asks how do you turn a holiday from hell into a series of beautiful moments?
• Flying Through the Holidays Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction discusses how a simple organizational plan has kept her holidays balanced.
• Celebrating Advent week to week Lauren at Hobo Mama finds that counting down weeks instead of days helps children with the long wait.
• 5 Ways to Stay Mindful This Holiday Season Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares ideas and photos that help her stay mindful throughout the holidays.
• Simplifying the Holidays Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children shares how simplifying the holidays has made them more special for her.
• Mindfully Managing the Mania Erica at ChildOrganics fights against "the gimmes" and shares strategies for staying balanced during a time of year when it's easy to overindulge.
• Six Ways to Enjoy the Holidays Without Losing Your Mindfulness Rachael at The Variegated Life shares tips on thinking less, planning less, doing less, and remembering.
• The Gift of Presence Darcel at The Mahogany Way explains how important it is to be present for and with her family during the Holidays.
• Mindfully meditating on celebrations Terri at Child of the Nature Isle desires meaningful celebrations for the whole year.
• What Does It Really Mean? Staying Mindful Through the Holiday Season Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about how she stays in touch with what the holiday season means for her and her family, in spite of all the temptations to do otherwise!

How to THRIVE this Holiday Season

Does thinking about the approaching festivities sometimes make you feel nauseous?


Are you nervous about spending time with family or friends who don't understand your approach to parenting?


Are you already bogged down in the details and preparations?

Wouldn't you love to transform your perspective from one of dread to one of excitement?

Wouldn't you love to bring more Joy to your family by arriving with more Joy in yourself?

I invite you to make yourself a priority this Christmas by observing some self-love and self-care.

My personal life coach and business coach, Tara Wagner, has created an extraordinary package of audios to help you focus on what really matters to you during the holidays.

 Her Holiday Thriving Kit includes a 40 minute meditation as well as two 90-minute recordings of coaching and suggestions to help you release the negativity or unhelpful expectations that you might bring to the holiday season, specifically geared toward helping us move through challenging family, friends and inter-personal experiences we might encounter during the holidays with people who do not share our values.

Having worked with Tara for the past 8 months, I can personally say that her work is nothing short of transformational.  In this audio package, she provides both practical and deeper coaching on meeting our needs this holiday season and how to create an experience in which all parties can thrive.

Wouldn't you love to THRIVE instead of just SURVIVE the holidays?


 

This is an affiliate link.

Christmas: A Time to Remember

How do you remember someone you didn't know?
How do you miss a person you never had a relationship with?

I have been pondering these two questions for the past few years as I've tried to resolve and understand the  death of my 4-year-old sister when I was just 4 1/2 months old.

My family has rarely spoken about Julia, her life or her death.  I have never known much about her yet I've always felt an emptiness in my heart because of her absence from my life.  In the past year, I began to talk to my mother about her and I began to think more deeply about my own beliefs about life and death.  I began to develop a deeper understanding of my mother and I adopted a new attitude towards the Purpose of Life.

Last summer my mother, her sister and I visited the cemetery where my sister Julia is buried.  My mother told the entire story of the day my sister died, the following days and the funeral.  Most of the details were things I had never heard before.  My aunt was also a valuable source of information, filling in her own perspective as both a mother and a sister.  I wept for 3 solid hours.

Before we left, I read a letter to my sister:

Dear Julie,
I came here today with our mother and our aunt to honour you, your life and your memory.  You have always had a big presence in my life.
In the past year I have taken several steps to honour you:

• I have put framed pictures of you in my home.

• I have started to talk about you as one of my siblings.

• I have started to say that I come from a family of 5 children and to regard our mother as a mother of 5.

• Not insignificantly, I have named my son Julian so that a member of our family will always be linked to your memory.

I much to thank you for, so I offer you these thoughts of gratitude:
While our mother grieved for you she was nonetheless able to be tuned in to her true mothering instinct while she cared for me.  I was breastfed past my 3rd birthday and I slept in her bed until our brother Ben was born.  Because of the extraordinary love and protection that our mother was able to give me as a baby and toddler, I have a deep well of love from which to draw on my own mothering instinct.  The abundance of love that she gave to me has multiplied into my love for my children.
I also thank you because your memory reminds me to never take my children for granted, to be grateful for every moment, to give my love freely and to celebrate their authenticity.
And third, I thank  you for giving me a reason to deeply contemplate the purpose of my life, what is death and the meaning of love.
Finally, I came here to tell you that I LOVE YOU.  Through much pain I have learned that once created, love lasts forever.  I give my love to you today as your sister because we don't have to be together to share the deep connection of being sisters.

Then I left a picture of my 4 children on her headstone.

Christmas always seems like an appropriate time to honour and remember those we love who are no longer with us.  While death may create a permanent absence, perhaps by reconnecting to the love we shared with our dear ones we can enjoy bringing honour and meaning to their lives.  

I'll be lighting a candle throughout the holidays in honour of my sister Julia, and I will a take a few moments here and there to connect to the love I feel for her and to the bond of sisterhood.  I will draw my children closer and I will commit more fully to creating Peace and Joy for others to share.  I will rid my heart of darkness and I will offer up Light and Love within my home and community.

Will you be honouring anyone this Christmas by reconnecting to the love you shared?