Freedom without Fear

Sometimes I let my children play in our front yard.  Alone.  Unsupervised.


Occasionally a friend or family member or neighbour asks me about this practice.  They are surprised that I am not more concerned about the safety of my daughters, ages 7 1/2, 5 3/4 and 3 3/4 years.  And since I'm not concerned, I always ask "What are you worried will happen?"

Inevitably I get two responses:  That the children will get hit by a car or that one will be abducted.

Yes, I recognize the possibility that one of those two terrible events could occur.  But let's talk about them and see if we can understand those fears better.

They could get hit by a car.
Yes, they could.  If the car went out of control, mounted the sidewalk and ran through our fence.  Our street has a speed limit of 30km/h and our driveway is just 50 feet away from a stop sign, so most cars going past our house are slowing down, not travelling at high speeds.  Yes, I've heard of tragic stories where a family is on the sidewalk and is run down by a car.  I've also heard of a bus hitting a bus shelter where people were waiting.  And I've heard of children drowning in the bathtub.  And I've heard of children strapped safely into carseats who were killed in horrible collisions.  Yet, I haven't stopped walking on sidewalks or taking the bus or bathing my children or taking them out in our car.

So yes, I see the possible danger.  But it is possible.  Not imminent.


And I trust my own children.  I have been outside with them so much that I know their habits and playing styles.  I know that they won't go on the street.  I know that they won't wander down the sidewalk.  In my mind, they are as safe playing in our front yard as they are playing in the living room.

They could be abducted.
You know, I used to walk home a kilometre every day along a country road and I don't think my parents ever worried that I could be abducted.  And it's not that more children are being abducted by strangers NOW than 30 years ago.  It's more that parents are much more fearful today because when it does happen, the modern media is able to keep it in the forefront of our minds until the tragedy is concluded.

And stranger-abduction is a very, very scary possibility for any parent to imagine.  When Elizabeth Smart was abducted from her own bed and when Tori Stafford was abducted from her own school, I'm sure that each of their parents assumed their child was safe.

So why am I not afraid?  I'm not afraid because being afraid will not prevent it from happening.  And rather than scaring my children by telling them to be wary of every stranger who passes our house, I use common sense to remove my own fears.

For one thing, I have never asked my children to talk to strangers.  Now think about that for a second.  Most parents make their children answer everyone who speaks to them:  cashiers, receptionists, passengers on the bus, co-workers, teachers, etc.  Then those same parents tell their children to never talk to strangers.  How is a kid supposed to know the difference between 'good' strangers and 'bad' strangers?  To solve this conundrum, I simply never ask my children to speak to anyone if they don't want to.  I don't care if the other person is offended--I care more about the integrity of my children.

I have also made sure that my children are well acquainted with many, many of our neighbours.  They see that I am comfortable with these people, we have been in their homes and I have helped many of them or received help from them.  This type of reciprocal relationship with people who would otherwise be on the periphery of our lives teaches my children how to develop a relationship of trust with people outside of our family and close friends.  It also allows them to feel safe in their neighbourhood.

Additionally, I am totally confident that my children know their way around our community.  Many times I have let them guide us home from the playground, the toy store or the drug store.  Many times I have let them guide our walk around the neighbourhood and they always capably find their way home.  IF (and it is very unlikely) they decided to leave our property without me, I totally trust that they would stay within our immediate neighbourhood and be able to find their way home.  No, this knowledge wouldn't prevent an abduction, but it does mean that if I look out the front door and I don't see them immediately that I don't panic and phone 911.

Freedom, not Fear
Have you heard about Free Range Kids?  I like it, though I'm not there yet.  After all, my oldest child is just 7 1/2 years old, and although she is really mature and responsible for her age, she simply is not interested in going anywhere by herself for any reason whatsoever.  If the day ever comes that she says "Hey Mom!  Can I go around the corner to buy a newspaper?", I'll probably be utterly stunned.

But that's not the point.  The point is that I can't see the sense in inhibiting the free-play of my children by either keeping them indoors or by harping on them about the dangers of playing outdoors.  Do possible dangers exist?  Yes.  Do I think that they would be safer if I made them afraid of these dangers?  No.  I prefer to see their incredible joy as they revel in their constant freedom.

What do you think?  Do you feel comfortable letting your children play outdoors without hovering over them?

When

When a beautiful almost-4-year-old girl cries in my arms for an hour, her knees aching with growing pains and my ears absorbing the siren of her wails, reverberating in my head and making my eyes throb....

When a curious baby who is so busy during the day that he forgets to eat, yet at night he demands much milk to fill his cavernous need for calories, so he nurses and nurses until I swear my nipples will disintegrate....

When a self-confident 7-and-a-half-year-old refuses to wear the fabulous (expensive) leather running shoes she's been given and instead chooses the (cheap) canvas ones that she can't tie but requires that her mother de-tangle the knots and I want to roll my eyes but I don't....

When a growing almost-6-year-old wants pancakes for breakfast and fresh muffins for lunch and pasta with parmesan for supper and I despair of her ever eating anything green or red or orange again and I am convinced that she thinks I'm running a restaurant....

When the father of this operation picks a rainy Sunday afternoon to drive for 5 minutes to run a 5km race in the muddy valley and he's gone for over 4 hours and by the time he comes home sporting a medal for his 18-minute accomplishment I am tired and lonely and feeling anything but congratulatory....

....it is in these moments that I breathe deeply, relax my shoulders and put a smile on my face.  I remind myself that I chose this life, that these 5 people are the reason for my joy, and that these moments are all I have so I might as well love them.

10 Things I Love About Being a Mom (This Month)

Yes, here they are in random order.

1. When I'm walking along and a little hand shows up in mine.
2. Holding a sleeping child.
3. Talking in bed with giggly girls before falling asleep for the night.
4. Reading aloud.
5. Being in the kitchen cooking and hearing the words "That smells GREAT, Mom!"
6. Listening to children singing in the backseat of the car.
7. When a child volunteers to wash my bare feet in her bath.
8. Always having a reason to be outside in beautiful weather.
9. Morning cuddles in bed.
10. Playing with Playmobil.

The One Where I Bore You With All My Holiday Photos

I LOVE Quebec.  Really.

So, when my friend Julie (who is the great photographer responsible for the header and profile pictures on my site) invited us to her time-share at a resort in The Laurentians, I knew I would move mountains to get our family there. 

And actually, getting us there was no small feat since we have been unable to go anywhere as a family for the past year.  WHY?  you ask.   Well, we had a Honda Civic, which holds only 3 carseats even though we have 4 children.  So we bought a Mazda5 last weekend and we broke it in by driving 600km to Quebec.

And may I just say that my kids were FABULOUS in the car?  Not a single word of complaint or fighting.  Just.  Totally.  Awesome.  Is it OK that I think my kids are The Best?

Here's our photo essay:

(photo credit:  my friend, Julie)

Breastfeeding, Fertility, Conception and Contraception

Note to Some Readers:  This post contains details about me that may make you uncomfortable.

Have I ever mentioned that I am completely over-the-top crazy about pregnancy, birth and newborn babes?  Especially my own?  But I even love babies when they aren't mine!  When I see a woman in her 3rd trimester I start to have heart palpitations.  When I read a really good birth story I weep because I am jealous.  When I am close to a newborn I want to breastfeed it myself!

Yes, it's an addiction.  I probably need professional help.

But actually, until now, I've been able to satisfy my addiction by continually having babies.  Four kids in 84 months is a pretty good way to fill up my yearning for pregnancy, birth and newborns.  Which brings me to a very significant problem:  I've just become fertile again.  We aren't ready for another baby for at least 3.5 years.  And we have no idea what to do about it.

Let me explain.

My first daughter, Anna, was conceived just 9 days after I stopped taking the birth-control pill.  After she was born I was pretty grossed out by how heavy I was, so I went on a serious diet and ended up getting my first period when she was just 4 months old.  Fortunately I was able to achieve amennorhea again (for 6 months) by increasing breastfeeding.  My daughter Holly was conceived the first time I ovulated when Anna was 11 months old.  When Holly was 12 months old I conceived again (without having a period first), but I had a very early miscarriage.  When the bleeding stopped I conceived my daughter Jasmine. 

Jasmine was an amazing nurser and she had some serious food sensitivities so breastmilk was her primary source of nutrition until she was around 18 months old.  At 20 months we got help for her condition and she began to eat more food.  My son Julian was conceived when Jasmine was 21 months.

So as you can see, we are not having any fertility issues.  Actually, we do believe in using birth control:  I obtained a diaphragm from my doctor after Anna was born.  However, I've found from experience that it is not a very good choice for us....mostly because it has lived sight-unseen in the medicine cabinet for the last 7 years.

So now it appears that our Ultra-Fertility is actually a problem.  (I swear I can conceive just by looking at Partner-Guy from across a crowded room.)  We simply can't have another baby right away and my plan to use breastfeeding to prevent conception is apparently not going to work.

And there is actually a really good reason why we can't have another baby right away:  In 3 years Partner-Guy will have a 14-month paid leave-of-absence from his job and we intend to sell our house and spend the year travelling across Canada.  We feel it just wouldn't be fair to our other children if we bring a baby on the trip because the baby will occupy most of my attention.  So we intend to wait until we come back. 

Which brings me to the million-dollar question:
How are we going to prevent conception for the next 3+ years?

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Hot Love in the Summertime

Oh, I love the summer!

And a new reason to love it just hit me yesterday:  SKIN!

Summer provides so many great opportunities to physically connect with my little ones!

• the hot little hand that slides into mine as we walk
• the sweaty baby head that rests on my bare shoulder
• the cold-wet, just-out-of-the-pool little body that throws herself onto my lap
• the soft arms that wrap around my back when I offer a piggy-back ride during a too-long walk
• Julian's cool feet that rest on my bare thigh when I curl up beside him at night
• the swimsuit-clad body that jumps off the edge of the pool into my arms
• Holly's silky hair as I braid it
• the tight little back as I push her higher and higher on the swing
• the dripping daughters who need a big towel after playing in the rain

Isn't it funny how these moments just don't happen the same way when the children are dressed in snowsuits?!

Guelph Lake, Ontario

I love Guelph Lake.

I grew up less than a 40 minute drive from Guelph and never once went to Guelph Lake. It is actually a dam which was constructed in 1974.  I consider it to be one of Southern Ontario's best kept secrets.

We went to Guelph Lake on a weekday in June when the majority of would-be vacationers were still in school or at jobs.  This allowed us to have the entire facility virtually to ourselves.  The weather was fabulous, we brought tons of food and we had a great time.  My father even came with his canoe!

Julian (11 months) loved crawling and splashing along the shore.

Jazzy (3.5yrs) loved the canoe ride.

Jazzy with her Opa.

Fabulous, eh?

What little boys do at the beach when they get tired.

Holly (5.5yrs) and Anna (7yrs)

Picture taken by Holly!  Julian continued his nap....

Picture taken by Anna.

Look at that sky!

Quite an accomplishment!



At the end of the day 'The Men' had a final conversation.

And that was our vacation!

A Week Of Secrets: #2

Psssssst......I'll tell you a secret.  But only if you promise not to tell anyone.

Partner-Guy and I haven't slept in the same bed, or even in the same room, in almost 4 years. 

And when I took this picture of Holly (5.5yrs) and Julian (11 months) a few nights ago, I really knew that NOT sleeping together was probably one of the greatest gifts we could give our children.

Cosleeping has never been an issue for either Partner-Guy or me.  When our oldest daughter Anna was born 7 years ago we had a borrowed crib set up in 'her' room, but we dismantled it at her first birthday when she had never slept in it.  Around that time we put a futon on the floor of 'her' room and I would lay down with her to go to sleep for every nap and at night. 

When Holly was born (when Anna was 20 months), Anna would go to sleep in 'her' bed while Holly slept with her two parents.  But Anna would wake up every night just after midnight and her dad would get her and put her in bed beside me and then he would go back to 'Anna's' room to sleep for the rest of the night.

By the time I was pregnant with Jasmine (now 3.5yrs) we had completely given up any idea of having a kid's bedroom and an adult bedroom.  We bought a high-quality queen-size bed to put in the smaller bedroom for Partner-Guy so that me and the girls could sleep in the king-size bed in the other bedroom.  (Note that we live in a two bedroom bungalow.) 

When Jasmine was born we simply added her to the bed.  We put a guard rail on Anna's side and a Humanity Bed on Jasmine's side.  Holly and I slept in the middle.  There simply was no issue with where everyone was going to sleep.



Photo taken about 2.5 hours after Jasmine was born.



And now we have Julian and somehow we still have space for everyone to sleep.  I know that this picture doesn't look like there is any room for me in the bed, but actually I fit just fine in the very center.  It's doable.  Everyone is happy and well-rested, and really, that's the goal, isn't it? 

When I was a La Leche League Leader I used to hear the following problem over and over from mothers:  I want to keep cosleeping but my husband/partner has had enough and wants the baby/child out of the bed.  La Leche League trains its leaders to be empathetic and gentle, but everytime I heard that problem I would just want to scream If your husband doesn't want to sleep with baby, tell him to sleep somewhere else.

OK. Not so empathetic.  I know.

The problem with the scenario the way the mothers always described it was that it was all about what SHE wanted and what HE wanted without considering what the baby wanted.  Ask yourself: What is the purpose of cosleeping?  Probably you would answer:  To make it easier for the mother to meet the baby's needs during the night with the least disruption to the sleep of the mother and the baby.  So who is not included in that scenario?  The husband/partner.

See, here's the thing:  Cosleeping is not about the spouse.  Did you get that?  COSLEEPING IS NOT ABOUT THE SPOUSE.  Cosleeping is about what is good for the baby and the mother.  If the spouse can't get a good night's sleep with the baby in the bed, he should go to another bed.** 

But I've heard all the arguments.  Let me spell them out for you.  He didn't get married so he can sleep alone.  He feels it's his right to sleep beside his mate.  He says he is building a life-long relationship with ME, not with the baby who will grow up and move out.  He won't have sex with the baby beside us.  He doesn't believe he should have to be kicked out of his own room.

Yeah.  OK.  Well, it's not about him.  Does he have to get up and go to work in the morning?  YES?  Then he is entitled to a good sleep.  And he'll get a great sleep alone in his own bed.  He'll even get up in the morning without disturbing anyone.  It's a great deal for everyone.  (And perhaps you noticed that I had baby last year but I haven't slept with my partner in almost 4 years?  It really does work out!  Really!)

So that's my 2nd secret?  What do you think?

**I've used the pronoun 'he' because although I worked with many mothers who had female partners, the cosleeping issue was only presented to me by mothers with male partners.

P.S.  Yes, I know that cosleeping is not for every mother.  No, I don't think you're a bad mother if you don't cosleep.

Unschool Today: Freedom and Joy

On Sunday Anna organized a shopping trip with her dad and her two sisters.  She made an itinerary, a shopping list for each person and a budget.  Significantly, she emptied the Money-Jars belonging to her and her sisters onto the table and then divided up all the money equally between the three girls. 

When the trip was completed (and when Daddy was sedated with a coffee after trekking through 2 stores with 3 little girls) the sisters came home and played with their new treasures.

In the evening, while baby Julian and 3-year-old Jasmine lay down with Mommy to go to sleep, Anna (7) and Holly (5) played Go-Fish with their dad.  When I came out of the bedroom I played a few games too and at 9pm Partner-Guy and I went to the living room to fold the laundry and watch Celebrity Apprentice as is our Sunday night custom.  (And yes, I admit to watching a little bit of trash-TV once in a while!)  Anna and Holly were not interested in going to bed yet so they stayed up, playing cards together and making up new games with the little animal toys they had purchased earlier.

On Monday morning we all woke up together at 8:46am.  Jasmine got right into a new make-believe game with her new toys and Anna and Holly sat at the table with their pencils and drawing tablets while I made some breakfast and read the paper.  Julian emptied one of the bottom cupboards (hey, he has to do SOMETHING!) and when he grew bored I put him in the booster seat for some breakfast.

Around 10am the girls looked up from their self-chosen activities and asked for something to eat.  Later Jasmine watched a Go Diego Go DVD while I put Julian down for a nap and Anna and Holly got back into a make-believe game involving their new toys.  At some point, the two of them disappeared to our Playroom/Craft room in the basement and reappeared with a little house made out of a shoebox, some fabric and copious amounts of hot-glue.  When Julian woke up, we played outside for a while and I puttered around in my garden which is not yet planted but is still requiring my attention.

During Julian's second nap I made supper and then read several short books to the girls.  When Partner-Guy came home he took Julian outside to play on the swing and have a ride in the wagon while I went out to run 3km.

Dinner.  Baths.  Bed.  And that was our day.

This is what Freedom and Joy looks like at our house.  And you?

HEY! GET A VASECTOMY!

On the weekend we walked over to Taylor Creek Park, part of the Don Valley Parks System maintained by the city of Toronto.  The weather was glorious and we brought toast, muffins and soy milk to snack on as we wandered the trails.

As we crossed the first footbridge into the park we met up with a woman walking her large dog off-leash.  As my children hid behind me, Partner-Guy politely asked her to leash her dog--as everybody knows you have to leash your dog unless you're in a dog park, right?  She got right in Partner-Guy's face and said, "You've got a bad attitude!  I said the dog's friendly!"  He was quite taken aback by this.  Calmly he said, "That's what every dog owner says before the dog tears a child's face off.  My kids are scared of your dog.  Get it on a leash."

She refused, told him he was full of B-S and walked off.  When she got about 100 feet away she yelled over her shoulder, "HEY, GET A VASECTOMY!"

????????

I was unaware that there was going to be such open hostility toward us simply because we have 4 children.  Now, obviously this woman (who clearly has a HUGE chip on her shoulder about SOMETHING) does not represent all dog-owners, Torontonians or even females in big red coats.  But good grief!  What a thing to say!

We spent about 2 hours in the valley and I estimated that at least half of all dogs that we encountered were off-leash.  This greatly lessened out enjoyment of our outing.  I have since sent the following email to the mayor of our city:

Dear Mayor Ford,
You may remember me as the voter who invited you to have dinner with my family after you were elected. 

I am writing now to ask for your help regarding the number of dogs which are routinely off-leash in Taylor Creek Park, posing a risk to my young children and preventing us from enjoying one of Toronto's fine outdoor areas.  The dog-owners that we have approached to leash their dogs are not at all willing to do so.

Could  you please enforce the bylaw that requires that dogs be leashed?

Thankyou on behalf of my children:  Anna, Holly, Jasmine and Julian

Sincerely,
Patricia Tinholt

I have not yet received a response, but I am pretty confident that I will.  (When I invited Mayor Ford for dinner after the election I told him that "we didn't vote for him, but we wanted to get to know him better which might make us like him."  He called me personally to decline--saying that he'd have to bring his entire entourage--and of course he said that I should contact him anytime if there was ever anything he could do for me.)  Well, we'll see.

To say that I am not a dog-person is a gross understatement.  I'd really like to enjoy Toronto's parks with my children but I am not interested in fending off the dogs and dog-owners. 

Any suggestions?

How to Resolve Big Disagreements in a Relationship

I am SO NOT an armchair-relationship-counsellor.

And this is not a new idea, but it is one that really works.

Love the other person's opinion and see what happens next.

A lot of times we disagree with our partner's point of view as a reflex.  Or because agreeing might take us out of our comfort zones.  Or because we are afraid of setting a precedent that would result in never again having an equal voice in the relationship.  Or because we haven't fully thought about it and it is easier to say 'NO'.  And sometimes we disagree because we don't actually know what is best but we are committed to getting our own way no matter what.

Remember how I wrote yesterday about my disagreement with Partner-Guy over feeding our children candy?  Well, I really respect my Partner-Guy.  His opinions matter to me.  And there are so many changes that he has made just because I've asked him to (such as not watching TV until the kids are asleep) that I really don't want to press my luck and make any demands on him that he really considers to be unreasonable.

THE CANDY DILEMMA
So last fall I gave in to his idea that a little candy once in a while would be OK.  From Hallowe'en until Holly's birthday on December 31 I decided to do it as he suggested.  I closed my mouth and closed my eyes and closed my ears and I continued to make healthy food and he gave the children candy treats whenever they wanted it.

And by the time New Year's was over I was ready to move out of the house.  I actually told the entire FAMILY that it was going to be candy or me.  I couldn't live with it for one more second.  The whining for candy.  The negotiating for candy.  The hoarding of candy.  The fighting over candy.

Fortunately, Partner-Guy and the girls chose to have me stay.  And when I fully explained how I hard it was for me to see that my children were craving candy all the time and refusing to eat the healthy food I was making for them, they all agreed to lay off the candy.  Partner-Guy still talks about it from time to time but he has stopped bringing it home.  Embracing and living with his idea gave me CLARITY and allowed both of us to figure out what we really wanted.

This is just one of many decisions we have made by embracing one idea and seeing how we felt about it after a few months. 

THE 'WHERE ARE WE GOING TO LIVE' DILEMMA
 In 2009 I went through a phase where I was really discontent with our house and our neighbourhood.  I was determined that everything would be better if we could move to downtown Toronto.  Partner-Guy wasn't so sure.  But he agreed to embrace my idea.  For a couple of months we focused on the idea of selling our house and moving.  I spent evenings looking online for a house to rent.  And by the time winter changed to spring I had figured out that I really liked our house and that I didn't want to move after all.

THE 'SHOULD I GO BACK TO WORK' DILEMMA
In 2005, when Anna was not even a year old, we had to decide if I was going to go back to work when she was 16 months old.  I was committed to going back to work, not because I wanted to or because I cared at all about my career, but because I never really expected Partner-Guy to support me financially.  Our relationship at that time was tenuous at best--well, to be honest, we were barely bound by a thread and I expected us to break up within the next 12 months.  Keeping my job was important to me because I didn't know what else to do.

But Partner-Guy could see that it would be extremely detrimental to Anna to be left with another caregiver.  She would not even stay with him long enough for me to see the chiropractor around the corner or go out to get my legs waxed!  He wanted me to give up my job and stay home.

It seemed impossible to me, but I agreed to embrace his plan temporarily and I would make my decision by Anna's first birthday.  I began to live as though I was not planning to return to work.  I stopped looking for a nanny.  I stopped trying to make Anna stay with other caregivers.  I stopped working on my resume and looking for a position closer to home.  Embracing and living with his idea gave me CLARITY and allowed both of us to figure out what we really wanted.  In other words, I never went back to work.

THE CONCLUSION
We've been able to come to agreements on an assortment of dilemmas by embracing one decision, living with it and seeing how we felt about it after a few months.  I believe that no decision has to be forever.  And figuring out our values is not always a simple process--sometimes you have to live it to know if it works or not.

Sometimes people say to me "I want to homeschool, but my partner disagrees" or "We'd have a family bed if my partner would agree to it" or "My partner would never agree to having a midwife." I think that to figure out big issues, both partners have to be willing to try the other person's way of doing it. 

Try it.  You just might like it.

Candy Culture

Partner-Guy and I are fighting.

It's not disastrous.  He doesn't want to do something unthinkable like--gasp!--send the kids to school.

He wants the kids to eat candy.  Aaaargh.  And he talks about candy.  More than he talks about sex.  Seriously.

So we aren't fighting exactly, but we are definitely not on the same page when it comes to eating healthy food and giving our children healthy food options.  It's an ongoing annoyance.  Like a hang-nail.

HIS SIDE

If Partner-Guy were going to write a book of parenting philosophies, the title would be "Put a Smile on Your Child's Face".  He just loves to do the things that make his girls happy.  And if they squeal with delight and wrap their little arms around his neck, he wears a glow that lasts into the next week.

For him, the cheapest, easiest means to getting that big loving reward is with candy.  He says, "A little bit isn't going to hurt them.  It's only once in a while.  What's the big deal?"

MY SIDE

(You know this going to be longer, right?)

I work my patootie off trying to provide healthy food for my kids.  I bake bread twice a week.  I make muffins, loaves and low-sugar cookies every week.  I spend easily an hour a day washing and cutting up fresh raw fruits and vegetables.  EVERY dinner that we eat is made from scratch.  My windows are all filled with pots of seedlings for the vegetable garden.

That's in addition to eating so carefully during each of my pregnancies and succeeding with 4 natural births and breastfeeding exclusively for 6+ months and continuing to breastfeed on demand until each child naturally weaned.  And consider that one of my children is sensitive to wheat, dairy, eggs and soy and I have had to learn and create new recipes for everything we eat!

When there is candy in the house it is the ONLY thing the girls can think about and talk about.  I swear it calls to them from the cupboard.  And they won't eat anything else because they want to save their hunger for the candy.  I'm not joking.

CANDY CULTURE

I hate Candy Culture.  It is everywhere and it is insidious.

There is a song on a Barney video that goes If all the raindrops were lemonballs and gumdrops, Oh what a sight that would be!  Standing outside with my mouth open wide!  Ah, ahahah, ahahah, ahahah!  There is a Franklin episode where he has a fight with his friend Bear and then Bear tries to make up with Franklin by asking him to go to the candy store.  And that's just a start...children's literature is full of references to candy.  It drives me crazy.

For me, Candy Culture is worse than Barbie dolls and action figures.  Toys can be manipulated to portray a positive message.  For example, I've seen my daughters make their Barbies breastfeed each other.  But candy is just bad.  And the problem with candy is that it makes kids (and adults) want more candy.  It is addictive and it changes their brains and affects their behaviour.

Because Partner-Guy talks about candy in tones of heavenly adoration, our daughters think it is the most desirable food on Earth.  The problem is that it is not FOOD.  Mixing sugar and chemicals together and marketing it as food does not make it food.

I've relented about candy once in a while.  I even made Holly a huge gingerbread house for her last birthday.  But I couldn't wait for it all be eaten and I even invited the cousins over to help get rid of it faster.

For me, candy is just all about fighting with my kids.  Why would I allow something into my house that makes my kids fight with me all the time?  I can't do it.  Before Julian was born I told Partner-Guy "You aren't wrecking this one."

Oh, help.

What is your solution to the candy problem?  Do you think having candy in moderation is OK?

(And come back tomorrow when I reveal how we solve major issues at our house.  It's a tried-and-true solution that really works!)

The ATTENTION Cup

I've been working around this theory in my head for a while.  Since before I had children.

All children have an  Attention Cup that needs to be filled everyday.  They wake up up each day with an empty Attention Cup and they expect and need it to be filled everyday before they go to sleep again.

The size of the Attention Cup is not constant.  Children go through various highs and lows in their need for Attention.  Generally, the younger the child the bigger the Attention Cup, but some older children have just as great a need for Attention as babies.  There is nothing right or wrong about the size of the Attention Cup.

Babies and young children require that their Attention Cups be filled by their parents and, most often, specifically by their mothers.  Older children, even toddlers, are able to get some of their Attention Cup filled by other loving adults or even by older children.  But the Attention Cup primarily needs to be filled by the person or people from whom the child expects unconditional love.

When a child's Attention Cup is perpetually unfilled at the end of everyday, two behaviours tend to happen:

1. The child becomes withdrawn and quiet.  She may try very hard to always please other people in order to garner some much needed attention.  Or she may become very dependent on her peer group as a source of attention.
2. The child becomes loud and often aggressive.  She is fussy, whiny, demanding, rude or highly emotional.

When I was a teacher I used to observe this phenomenon and I wondered why I could figure out what was going on with theses kids, but their parents seemed oblivious to it.  The students who were in constant LOOK-AT-ME mode used to drive me to exhaustion! 

Even now when I am at the playground with my daughters there is inevitably a child calling to me to observe his or her play.  Usually the child's parent is standing nearby completely disengaged from the child by talking or texting with someone.  As many times as it has happened, I am still stunned when a child who has never seen me before is seeking my attention and approval in a public place.  My children would never seek attention from a stranger (unless perhaps there were a serious physical emergency and I was nowhere to be found, but even then, I'm not sure they wouldn't just try to handle it themselves!)

There is no rule for how much attention a child should need.  A child needs attention until her Attention Cup is full.  Only she can know when she is completely saturated with attention.

How can the parent know that their child is not receiving enough attention?  Here are some typical behaviours to watch for:

• Your child will not sleep at bedtime, even if you stay with her.
• She begins to have separation-anxiety even if she has never demonstrated this behaviour  before and even if she is staying with familiar, loving caregivers.
• She refuses to cooperate with common activities such as putting on shoes or going to the grocery store.
• He starts hitting or biting.
• He fights with his siblings over things that used to be non-issues.
• He withdraws from your touch.

I have experienced each of these behaviours at various times with each of my children.  It's odd to think that children who spend all-day-every-day in the company of their mother could have unfilled Attention Cups.  But I can see that at certain times each of them has required more attention to feel saturated.  I have to pay close attention and be vigilant.  And honestly, the more children you have, the harder it is to fill everyone's cup everyday. 

I have learned that it is not enough to present.  I have to be engaged. 

And when I notice that my own Attention Cup seems to be going unfilled, I need to be active in getting it filled too.  I need to seek extra support from Partner-Guy or I need to call my mother or sister or I need to get out to visit a friend.

How do you make sure that everyone in your family has a full Attention Cup at the end of every day?

Aargh! I Have No Time for the Computer

No time! No time!

Funny how life in a house with 4 small children prevents me from finding an hour or more every day to sit down at the computer. And in the evenings, after they are all asleep, I don't really feel like it anymore. Pretty hard to make any headway on my goal of refining my writing and being published someday. Oh well. The kids won't be small forever.

But I compose articles in my head while I'm feeding Julian or lying down with him to go to sleep. And I am keeping up with reading as much as I want. And I have lots and lots of pictures on the camera just waiting to be shared.

So here are just a few:

We recently attended a Winter Party put on by the Teacher's Union for members and their families. It was in the Better Living Building at Exhibition Place. The girls enjoyed some carnival rides and then we went skating at the Ricoh Coleseum.

Can you see from these photos how HUGE Julian is? He weighs 21 pounds at 4 and 3/4 months. By contrast, Jasmine weighs 29 pounds at 2 and 10/12 years. At this rate, he's going to outweigh her before he's a year old.


Hopefully I'll get time to review some great books soon and write about the happenings as we continue to pursue our goal of living in freedom and joy.

A Few Musings

I must be one crazy mommy.

Last Wednesday we went to Centreville. These are pictures from when we went to Centreville in September, 2009. (The date on them is wrong.) I didn't take any pictures on our trip this year, as my hands were a little full!

Centreville, unlike the Zoo, is not my favourite family outing. To start with, the family day-pass is limited to four people. We purchased the family pass for $80 which provided unlimited rides for Partner-Guy and the three girls. Then we purchased an additional pass for Partner-Guy's niece who accompanied us. I wonder how many other places and events we're going to find that discriminate against 'large' families.

I also find that the entire park, although it is supposed to be designed for families and children, is not very child-friendly. There is only one washroom which is located in the middle of the park. There is a splashpad for small children, but only one picnic table in the entire area, even though many people go there to eat. The area that has many picnic tables has absolutely no shade and is located in a busy 'intersection' in the middle of 2 rides and several carnival games. It is hot, busy and LOUD. Food to purchase is limited to hotdogs, fries, pizza and candy. (We always bring our own food on family outings anyway, but it would be nice to have options.)

It is also interesting that Centerville seems to attract a different kind of patron from the Zoo. Although there were lots of mothers at Centerville with babies (some even younger than Julian), I didn't see a single one breastfeeding. By contrast, at the Zoo I always see breastfeeding mothers. At Centerville, every stroller had bottles in the cup holders. I also notice that at the Zoo parents talk to their children. At Centerville, parents put their kids in a line to wait for a ride and then they stand back and talk on their cellphones. Or worse, they stand outside the rides and light a cigarette. The Zoo has designated smoking areas so that people observing animals are not subjected to the obnoxious behaviour of smokers.

I guess Centerville is attractive to people who are also patrons of the CNE, a place I would never take my kids. But I wonder why the Zoo seems to attract families who seem to be of a different ilk. The prices are similar and both locations are a good distance to travel. Nevertheless, the Zoo is simply a much more family-friendly attraction. And the atmosphere of the Zoo is so much calmer and happier.

Speaking of smokers, I observed another interesting thing at Centerville. I noticed a couple families of Mennonites taking their children on rides and I smiled at them, being quite familiar with their style and customs because I grew up amongst them in the area outside Waterloo. The couples were young--in their 20s--and their children were about the same ages as my children. Later, when my children were lining up for the Log Ride (in the hopes of getting a little wet), one of the mothers was also lining up with the children from both families. And the two fathers and the other mother were sitting at a picnic table smoking! Well, that gave me a good laugh! Here they are at Toronto Island in their suspenders and straw hats and funny beards and bad haircuts, dragging on cigarettes like pros! And might I add, that the mothers were wearing long dresses of such thin cotton that I could clearly see their fancy black undergarments. Yes, yes, I guess I'm being judgemental, but I can't help wondering about the whole mantra about being in the world but not of the world.

So now we've experienced our first attempt at trying to do something as a family, but without a vehicle that we all fit in. When we went to Waterloo a few weeks ago we rented a mini-van for 2 days at a cost of $85/day. To get down to the ferry docks we had two choices: TTC or taxi. Well, getting there by TTC would have added an extra hour at the beginning AND end of our day. We opted for a taxi and ended up paying $35 EACH WAY! We could have rented a van for just a few dollars more! But then we would have had to pay for parking, so probably the taxi was our best option. And $70 is a lot cheaper than the cost of buying and insuring a van which we don't really need. We maintain that there is no point in buying a van for Partner-Guy to drive to work everyday, leaving me home with 4 kids and no vehicle anyway. Better to keep the Honda Civic as his car for going to work and we'll just absorb the cost of a rental once in a while.

Julian, by the way, is doing great! He is a delightful baby and already he makes us so proud! I'm trying to capture a picture of his big toothless smile and I will post one as soon as I can.

Tears

Yesterday I was nursing Julian while laying on the bed when he finished and pulled away and looked up at me. I gazed into his big blue eyes, grinned and asked, "Are you all finished?" Suddenly his little face broke into the biggest ear-to-ear smile, complete with double dimples. And just as suddenly I was choked with a sob and tears were filling my eyes. That first smile made me cry! It's the one that says "Thanks for the yummy milk, mamma. And thanks for holding me when I cry. And thanks for changing my diaper three or four times every night. And thanks for cuddling me and giving me lots of kisses and for rubbing my back when I need to burp. Yeah thanks, mamma, you're the best."


Rarely have I cried over something my children have done or said. In fact, it has been so rarely that I can probably remember each incident.



There was January 8, 2009. It was Jasmine's first birthday and I had taken all the kids to Sears for a portrait. When I came back home Jasmine was asleep in her carseat so I reached into the back to unbuckle Anna and Holly, then I opened their car door and went up to the house to unlock the door, leaving them to get out by themselves. Unpredictably, Anna climbed into the front seat and knocked down the parking brake, causing the car to roll back down the driveway and toward the street. I was behind the car as it started to roll and dashed to the driver's door, hoping to jump in and grab the brake. I managed to open the door but by then the car was moving quickly and I unable to get inside. I held the door and it bent back 180 degrees. I yelled to Holly not to move (she had been about to step out of the car) and then I watched helplessly as my car rolled into the street and across to the opposite sidewalk with my three children inside.

It just so happens that it was garbage day on my street and the garbage trucks roar up and down the street all day long. But as my car cleared the driveway and shot onto the road, the street was clear of all vehicles. In fact, I had an amazing sense of calm and I knew everything would be OK. My car came to rest on the garbage bins of my neighbour across the street. I ran to the house to grab my keys which were dangling from the lock in the front door and ran back to the car. Holly and Anna sat back in their carseats and I drove the car back up our driveway and securely pulled the parking brake. I took all 3 girls into the house, settled everyone into a snack and tried to phone Partner-Guy at work.

Then I cried. As I tried to describe to him what had happened and that the driver's door was demolished, I became aware of what a bad accident could have occurred and I was overwhelmed. He was completely unconcerned about the car and only concerned about what could have happened to the girls. No blame, either. He's a good guy.


There was the first day of school in September 2007. I had returned to work, 5 months pregnant with Jasmine, and Partner-Guy was at home with Anna and Holly on a 4-month leave of absence. That morning I sat at my teacher-desk at 8:30am, just moments before I had to go meet my class, and I fought back tears. Another teacher stopped by my room to see if I was ready to go out to meet the kids and at that moment I lost it, sobbing "I wish I were at home with my own kids." I thought I was making a huge mistake by being at work. I still haven't decided whether or not it was worth it. Yes, going back to work enabled me to collect Employment Insurance after Jasmine was born. But was the money worth it, when I consider the damage that it did to my relationship with Anna and Holly? I guess not. I think my tears that day were justified.

There was the night I put Anna to bed wearing pyjamas that had belonged to my sister Julia who died in 1974. Imagine my daughter asleep in my arms in the pyjamas of my mother's daughter who she would never cuddle and kiss and put to bed again. I sobbed long that night. I wept for a sister I never knew and for a mother whose pain I could never endure and for my own daughter who I would protect with all I had. I wept for lost possibilities and for heartache that can't be erased. I wept for a part of me that was buried in 1974.

I don't cry much.

I cried in April when my mother phoned to tell me that my grandfather had died. But I wasn't crying about him. I was crying about how I would not be able to attend the funeral because my heart can't handle the hurt of being in the same location as my brothers who have vilified me and want nothing to do with me.

And I cried in August 2009 when my brother moved from Toronto to London. He had lived in Toronto, not more than a few miles from me, for more than 2 years and I had not seen him. I cried because I had to give up the hope that everytime I saw a tall guy walking up my street that it might be him, spontaneously coming to visit me and meet my children.

I didn't cry when my parents separated. I didn't cry when Anna, Holly or Julian were born. (I did cry when Jasmine was born, but it was more of a spontaneous hormonal reaction, rather than crying for joy.) I didn't cry when my doctor found a lump in my breast last year and sent me for a biopsy. I didn't cry when I found out I was pregnant with Julian, even though it was a huge and wonderful surprise.

I think I have a lot to learn about crying. I think it's OK for my children to see me crying sometimes. It's important for them to see the many emotions I am capable of feeling. It's important for them to see how I handle difficult circumstances and joyful events. It's important for them to see that I am vulnerable and I hurt sometimes.

I have a lot to learn about crying.

So THIS is what it feels like to love a boy...

Ah, Julian. Let the love-in continue.

It's Day 11 with our son and we are all adjusting very well.

From Day 5 to Day 10 Julian gained 10oz. He nurses and sleeps and poops and nurses some more and sleeps some and...poops some more. Actually, he nurses and sleeps a lot more than my other babies did at this age. I was starting to worry that he was sleeping TOO much, but on Thursday night he managed to stay awake for 2 1/2 hours, so I guess the sleepy-baby phase is pretty much over. And his weight gain proves that he is definitely nursing enough, so I will put my worry to rest. Even when he fusses around or has a hard time falling asleep or poops the minute I get a clean diaper on him, I have no complaints. When he sleeps for 4 hours I LONG for him to wake up so I can start taking care of him again.

Anna, Holly and Jasmine have more-or-less accepted Julian into the rhythm of their lives. Anna pointed out to me today that she has not yet touched the baby. This is the same Anna who didn't acknowledge the arrival of Jasmine for over 3 months. I'm not concerned. Anna's head is very busy with the business of growing up and she will pay attention to Julian whenever she is ready. Holly held Julian on the first day and has pretty much ignored him since then. She occasionally asks me questions about him (like, when is he going to be able to sit up, or smile, or talk) but she too is very busy with her own life.

Only Jasmine is interested in Julian on a daily basis. She asks to hold him whenever he is awake and she is very complimentary about him. "He have nice belly button." "This baby have nice warm head." She even says, "I like that baby." But the sweetest thing she does is to play with her dolls, mothering them like a perfect little mother. She calls her dolls 'Pink Babies', which she pronounces as "minka-beebies". She wraps them in blankets and rocks them to sleep and nurses them and fusses over them and sings them songs. It is really the cutest thing ever, and since her only experience with a baby has been the last 11 days with Julian, I hope that she is mirroring what I am doing as I take care of him. Truly, it would be an enormous compliment to me if her 'mothering skills' reflect what she sees here in her own home.

In case you were wondering, my house is filthy and I have laundry piles so high they pose a danger to small children. But the children are (mostly) happy all day and everyone is eating healthily and playing outside every day and spending some quality time with Daddy. Jasmine has been to the outdoor public pool 3 times with her dad since Julian was born, and Holly and Anna have plans for a Daddy-Day at the Zoo. We have hired Partner-Guy's 15-year-old niece to come over 2 days/week to play with the girls and accompany them on little outings and do light housekeeping (like hanging out laundry and unloading the dishwasher). She has been away with her family for the past week, but on the days that she has worked so far we have have really appreciated and enjoyed her presence. I'm very happy that it is working out so well.

So far so good! Life with four children under the age of 6 is both manageable and pleasant. I admit that I am not joyful all day every day, and my patience is sometimes pushed as far as I think I can go, but I am trying to remember everyday that love is practised through kindness and patience and that there is always joy on the other side of every conflict or disappointment. If I can only remember to open my mouth MORE to say positive things, and LESS to say negative things! I'm working on it.

How I Learned to Define ' Attachment Parenting'

A few months ago when my mother returned from visiting my brother after the birth of his greatly-desired and long-anticipated first child, she commented to me "They sure are into the attachment parenting." And with my many years of experience as a mother, I couldn't help but think sarcastically, "Yeah. Let's see what they're doing in 5 years."

It's not that I don't think my brother and his partner will be good parents. They are older than me, they are completely devoted to their roles as parents, they treasure their son and went through a lot to have him in their lives. They are well-read, well-adjusted and well-schooled. They have a wealth of life experiences that I can never hope to achieve. Their relationship with each other is already long and solid.

It's just that experience has shown me that even the most well-intentioned parents have a hard time committing to real attachment parenting after the baby-stage is over. My own experiences from 6 years of being a mother and my observations of mothers at La Leche League have taught me that the theories and practices that comprise the standard definition of 'attachment parenting' are much harder to keep in place as the baby becomes a toddler and a pre-schooler. In fact, one of the reasons why I resigned as a La Leche League leader last year was because I observed that many of the leaders (whose children were young like mine) were becoming more and more mainstream in their parenting practices as their children grew out of baby-hood.

When I was a new mother I thought I had a handle on the definition of attachment parenting. I had read the book by US paediatrician William Sears in which he set out a list of guidelines to describe attachment parenting. Generally speaking, his guidelines include:

• Gentle birth


• Breastfeeding on demand and child-led weaning


• Babywearing


• Bed-sharing


• Immediate response to crying


• Minimal separation of mother and baby

I followed these guidelines to a 'T' with Anna. In fact, there was no other way to care for Anna, as she cried whenever I put her down, she slept for no more than 45 minutes in the day before waking to nurse, and she would not stay with her dad for more than a few seconds if I left the room. I came to believe that attachment parenting meant having the child physically ON the mother, since even at 2 years old, Anna refused to be away from me for even a few minutes.

My understanding of attachment parenting began to change bit by bit when I started to ponder and research homeschooling. It was around Anna's 2nd birthday that I first began to think about homeschooling after a friend I had met at La Leche League told me that her husband was opposed to sending their daughter to school. I contacted the only person I knew at that time who was homeschooling, and she sent me the links to a variety of websites that she had found useful when she began homeschooling. I read through them, but nothing seemed to 'click' with me. Eventually, I ran across the term 'unschooling' and that eventually led me to the term 'authentic parenting'.

What I learned was that although I was following all the 'attachment parenting guidelines', I was doing it only for superficial reasons: I believed that by doing the things that Dr. Sears recommended (and La Leche League, also) I was a better mother than the cry-it-out, pro-daycare, pro-timeout crowd. Really, I had completely missed the point. I had been using a strategy but I had not fully committed to the essence of attachment which is the relationship.

I discovered unschooling through the website of Jan Hunt. It contains a wealth of articles by Hunt and others on parenting, health, learning and relationships. Jan Hunt's book is called The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart. She renames attachment parenting 'empathic parenting' and she describes it thus:

• We understand that all children are doing the very best they can at every given moment.


• We trust that though children may be small in size, they deserve to have their needs taken seriously.


• We know that it is unrealistic to expect a child to behave perfectly at all times.


• We recognize that "bad behaviour" is the child's attempt to communicate an important need in the best way she can.


• We learn to look beneath a child's outward behaviour to understand what he is thinking and feeling.


• We see that in a very beautiful way, our child teaches us what love is.

When reading through this list of 'guidelines' it is easy to see how they apply to children of any age. Unlike the list of guidelines from Dr. Sears, these principles focus on a way of being in a relationship with a child. Jan Hunt says in her book that people either 'get it' about children, or they don't. It is only recently that I have begun to 'get it'. Trusting and respecting the emotions and actions of children all the time is a completely new way of thinking for me. It involves letting go of my pre-conceived ideas and making myself vulnerable to the needs of my children. Hunt offers me a challenge as opposed to the Dr. Sears list which offered only a strategy.

Authentic Parenting is described and taught by Naomi Aldort in her book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. In the introduction she says

You will learn to nurture [your child] without shaping, like a gardener who
waters flowers, but doesn't help them open nor choose their shapes or
colors....

In this book you will learn to let go of your armour and let love flow
through you with no strings attached.

If we want our future as humanity to look different than how it looks now, we need to allow our children to create it out of who they are and not out of who we want them to be.

Parenting is a path of maturation and growth if we dare to learn more and teach less. When you have the courage to stop defending the way you are, or the way your parents raised you, you can open up to the possibility that you are much greater and more magnificent and capable than you thought you were. (excepts from pages xv, xvi and xvii)

Reading these words was a lightbulb-moment for me. It made sense. It explained what was missing from my strategy for attachment parenting. It opened my mind and my heart to what was wrong with me instead of focusing on what I perceived to be wrong with my child. It gave me the courage to change.

Once I began to focus more on my relationship with my children, and less on trying to achieve a particular result with them, I was finally able to take a deep breathe and relax into my mothering role. It was no longer a persona and I began to experience more joy and freedom. By the time Jasmine joined our family I had fully made the switch in my mind from attachment parenting as a strategy to attachment parenting as a relationship. In fact, I felt that Jasmine's birth was like a renewal for my relationships with Anna and Holly. I felt like I was getting a fresh start, and as I looked for and met Jasmine's needs I learned to look for and meet Anna and Holly's needs in the same authentic way.

And this is why I am skeptical about people who embrace the principals of attachment parenting with their infants but who have a vision of the future with their children that includes pre-school or daycare or sleep-training or punishments and rewards or public school or schedules or any other activities that require an otherwise dependent child to become prematurely independent. Quite frankly, it's not easy to offer trust and respect to children all day, everyday, especially when they are no longer tiny and helpless. A daughter who refuses to help clean up her dolls or another daughter who screams at her father for serving her food with the wrong sauce do not necessarily inspire consistent kindness and patience, trust and respect. It's hard.

But it's worth it. Focusing on the relationship instead of the behaviour removes the aspect of blame and maintains the equilibrium within the family. Attachment parenting is not a set of strategies. It is a way of life. It is a way of living with children. It is a way of loving that maximizes joy and freedom.

I'm learning. And I'm trying to share my experiences with anyone who wants to learn too.