The Money Series: His and Mine

My post last week for the Carnival of Natural Parenting sparked some interesting comments from my friends and followers.  Here's one:

Lauren @ Hobo Mama said...
I've often heard that money tension is what causes most marital discord, and I can definitely see why. I think it's interesting that you and your partner choose to keep your money separate; I don't hear that solution very often and would love to hear more about it. I also totally agree with prioritizing what you want or need.

Partner-Guy and I keep our money separate for one simple reason:  because we always have.

I had my first job at the age of 13 and I have been responsible for my own finances ever since.  I simply can't imagine not having my own money to spend at my own discretion.  Similarly, Partner-Guy was 45 years old when we first moved in together and our first daughter was born and he was not keen to give over his paycheque to a single shared bank account.

But the reason it really works for us to keep our money separate from each other is because our money comes from totally different sources.  He has a job for which he is generously compensated.  I get my money from the government.

The Canadian government provides money directly to mothers.  I receive $100/month for each child under the age of 6 years.  This is the Universal Child Care Supplement.  I also receive the Canada Child Tax Benefit which is determined by a complicated formula based on number and ages of children as well as family income.  I receive $368/month.  So all together I get $668/month.  Every mother in Canada is entitled to this money, relative to their family circumstances.

I use my money to pay for the cable TV, internet and phone for a total of $140/month.  I also pay $100/month for life insurance for both Partner-Guy and I.  (You might be interested to know that we have a much larger policy on me than on him for the simple reason that without me, he would quit his job and devote himself to being the emotionally-centred rock that our children would need.  On the other hand, without him, I would likely return to work. )

That leaves $420+ per month for other expenses such as clothing, gifts and entertainment/learning opportunities.  Sometimes I pay for our natural gas charges or I pay the water/garbage bill.  Often I have to pay for our trips to the naturopath.  Always, I pay for my personal indulgences at the salon.  I also have a small debt that I am working on repaying.

Partner-Guy is responsible for all of our other expenses.  His income covers the mortgage, the cars (gas, insurance, maintenance), groceries, hydro, property taxes and debt repayment.  Very little of his income is discretionary, yet he often gives me cash to take the children on little day-trips (like to an orchard or an indoor playground) and he gives me a very generous amount for Christmas and on my birthday.

That's how we do it!
How do you and your partner share financial responsibility?

Why Picking the Right Guy Matters

When I think about everything I really want in a mate, one thing becomes perfectly clear:

I totally picked the WRONG guy.


He isn't a guy who likes to work hard and then be all proud of his accomplishment.  He doesn't know (or care) anything about our government or even politics in general.  He likes to watch kind of raunchy TV.  He swears.  He isn't in the least bit romantic or even affectionate.  He can't fix anything.  He complains a lot.  He eats a lot.

But something happens when you live with a guy for 7 years and you make 4 beautiful children together and you commit yourselves to giving them a great life together.

You get comfortable being around his faults.

Your heart warms to the way he cradles his babies.

You discover that you love the way he makes you laugh.

You see the sacrifices he makes to bring joy to his children.

You learn that being a better partner is more important than finding a better partner.

You find the best partner in the most obvious place:  on the couch in your own living room.

You figure out that the wrong guy can be the perfect guy.


It just depends on what matters to you.


What I've finally figured out is that the only thing that matters to me is that my partner and I are moving our lives in the same direction, sharing the same set of priorities and values.

You see, Partner-Guy gets it that our kids can't give up their freedom and go to school.  He gets it that our babies can't cry themselves to sleep in a crib.  He gets it that mainstream culture can't be responsible for the values and goals that our children will develop.

And what's more--he gets ME.  He gets it that I am smart.  He gets it that I have to make all of our food from scratch AND that I have to go for body sugaring and pedicures.  He gets it that I am both passionate and unpredictable.  He gets it that I feel no contradiction about washing my hair with baking soda and then leaving the house in my knee-high high-heeled black leather boots.

So it turns out that I picked the right guy after all.
Phew.

Money, Sex and Having it All

Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting: Money Matters
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how finances affect their parenting choices. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***


Money puts a lot of pressure on relationships.  They say that families are held together by love, but the truth is that money has a way of dividing people.  Whether it's lots of money or hardly any at all, a difference of opinion on how to spend it is often the beginning of family turmoil and stress.

That's why I'm so relieved to be in a relationship with a guy who pretty much thinks about money the same way I do:  not at all.   OK, that's not exactly true.  But what I mean is that we hardly ever have to talk about money.  He has his money and he pays for his share of our expenses.  I have my money and I pay for my share of our expenses (relative to his, of course, since I'm not currently earning an income from a job).  We rarely have to discuss where our money goes because we simply trust each other to take care of whatever needs to be paid for.

So for the record, I'd like to suggest that having no money issues in our relationship translates successfully into having no sex issues in our relationship.  Because do you know what a turn-off it is when you DON'T trust your partner to be responsible with money?  (I'm speaking from experience here!)

In a nutshell, here's my tongue-in-cheek advice:  Want better sex?  Straighten out your money issues.

Our children benefit from our laid back approach to money.  For one thing, we don't have much to fight about!

But seriously, the children see that we are very deliberate about how we spend our money that is left over after the basic necessities are paid for.  We model for them that spending money is about making choices.  Since the amount of money we have to spend is finite, spending it on one thing will prevent us from spending it somewhere else.

The truth is, I'm neither frugal nor cheap nor thrifty.  I know what I like to spend money on and I'm willing to forgo other purchases in order to attain the things I want.

• I spend almost $0 on my hair by using baking soda and vinegar instead of shampoo and by not using styling products.  Instead, I use my extra cash for the occasional splurge on makeup.
• We almost never get take-out food or fast food.  Instead, I pay a premium for top quality local produce and meat.
• I spend less than $500 per year on clothing for my children, relying instead on hand-me-downs.  But I always buy high-quality snowsuits and winter boots for them, since winter outdoor play depends on being warm and dry.
• Our children are not enrolled in lessons and activities that require fees.  By saving a lot of money in this area, we are able to make sure each of our children have a bike and a scooter, and we have purchased family memberships to the Zoo, the Science Center and the Pioneer Village.
• I don't spend any money on my house except for necessary repairs.  You won't find fancy decor here!  In fact, you won't find any decor! Instead, we take the children on a few little trips to hotels every year.
• We don't buy our children new toys and books on a regular basis.  Instead, we give our children money every week which they can save or spend.  However, they are expected to buy each other birthday and Christmas presents out of their own money.  So far, they have done very well to buy things for themselves and for each other.  In fact, their generosity is incredibly touching.

These are just a few examples of how we make sure that the way we spend money is in line with our values, as described in our Family Mission Statement.  We make money choices that reflect our desire to live in Freedom and Joy.  Stressing about money matters just does not fit into our family.

Our attitude toward money is much like everything else we do in our Radical Unschooling lifestyle. We are mindful about our choices, organic in our approach to teaching children about budgeting and relaxed about letting go of that which we can’t control. Our children understand that Daddy gives up his daily Freedom so that he can go to a job to get money so that the rest of our family can live in daily Freedom. They understand that Daddy uses his days of Freedom (the weekend) to enjoy the things that his money can’t buy i.e. time and activities with his family. They understand that money is never in unlimited supply and that having more money is not more important than being together.

They see in our actions that doing is more fulfilling than having.
***
Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon October 11 with all the carnival links.)

• Money Matter$ — Jenny at I'm a full-time mummy shares her experiences on several ways to save money as a parent.
• A different kind of life... — Mrs Green from Little Green Blog shares her utopian life and how it differs from her current one!
• Show Me The Money! — Arpita of Up, Down & Natural shares her experience of planning for parenting costs while also balancing the financial aspect of infertility treatments.
• Material v Spiritual Wealth - Living a Very Frugal Life with Kids — Amy at Peace 4 Parents shares her family's realizations about the differences between material and spiritual wealth.
• If I Had a Money Tree — Sheila at A Gift Universe lists the things she would buy for her children if money were no object.
• Financial Sacrifices, Budgets, and the Single Income Family — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at the importance of living within your means, the basics of crafting a budget, and the "real cost" of working outside of the home.
• Overcoming My Fear of All Things Financial — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares how she is currently overcoming her fear of money and trying to rectify her ignorance of all things financial.
• Confessions of a Cheapskate — Adrienne at Mommying My Way admits that her cheapskate tendencies that were present pre-motherhood only compounded post-baby.
• Money Matters — Witch Mom hates money; here's why.
• Money? What Money?! — Alicia C. at McCrenshaw's Newest Thoughts describes how decisions she's made have resulted in little income, yet a green lifestyle for her and her family.
• What matters. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life wishes parenting through play was her only responsibility during the day.
• Making Ends Meet — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter shares about being a working mom and natural parent.
• Poor People, Wealthy Ways — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses how existing on very little money allows her to set an example of how to live conscientiously and with love.
• The Green Stuff — Amyables at Toddler In Tow shares how natural parenting has bettered her budget - and her perspective on creating and mothering.
• Jemma's Money — Take a sneak peek at That Mama Gretchen's monthly budget and how Jemma fits into it.
• 5 Tips for How to Save Time and Money by Eating Healthier — Family meal prep can be expensive and time-consuming without a plan! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares five easy tips for how to make your cooking life (and budget) easier.
• Belonging in the Countryside — Lack of money led Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales towards natural parenting, but it also heeds her from realizing her dream.
• Total Disclosure and Total Reform — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl gets down to the nitty gritty of her money problems with hopes that you all can help her get her budget under control.
• Save Money by Using What You Have — Gaby at Tmuffin is only good with money because she's lazy, has trouble throwing things away, and is indecisive. Here are some money-saving tips that helped her manage to quit her job and save enough money to become a WAHM.
• Two Hippos & Ten Euros: A Lesson in Budgeting — MudpieMama shares all about how her boys managed a tight budget at a recent zoo outing.
• ABBA said it — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen ponders where her family has come from, where they are now and her hopes for her children's financial future.
• Money vs. Time — Momma Jorje writes about cutting back on junk, bills, and then ultimately on income as well ~ to gain something of greater value: Time.
• An Unexpected Cost of Parenting — Moorea at MamaLady shares how medical crises changed how she feels about planning for parenthood.
• 5 Ways This Stay at Home Mom Saves Money — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares 5 self-imposed guidelines that help her spend as little money as possible.
• Frugal Parenting — Lisa at My World Edenwild shares 8 ways she saves money and enriches her family's lives at the same time.
• Conscious Cash Conscious — Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares her 5 money-conscious considerations that balance her family’s joy with their eco-friendly ideals.
• Money, Sex and Having it All — Patti at Jazzy Mama explains how she's willing to give up one thing to get another. (And just for fun, she pretends to give advice on how to build capital in the bedroom.)
• Money could buy me ... a clone? — With no local family to help out, Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama wants childcare so she can take care of her health.
• Spending Intentionally — CatholicMommy loves to budget! Join her to learn what to buy, what not to buy, and, most importantly, where to buy.
• New lessons from an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a follow-up guest post from Sam about the latest lessons their four-year-old's learned from having an allowance.
• How to Homeschool without Spending a Fortune — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares tips and links to many resources for saving money while homeschooling from preschool through high school.
• It's Not a Baby Crisis. It's Not Even a Professional Crisis. — Why paid maternity leave, you may ask? Rachael at The Variegated Life has some answers.
• "Making" Money — Do you like to do-it-yourself? Amy at Anktangle uses her crafty skills to save her family money and live a little greener.
• Money On My Mind — Luschka at Diary of a First Child has been thinking about money and her relationship with it, specifically how it impacts on her parenting, her parenting choices, and ultimately her lifestyle.
• Spending, Saving, and Finding a Balance — Melissa at The New Mommy Files discusses the various choices she and her family have made that affect their finances, and finds it all to be worth it in the end.
• Accounting for Taste — Cassie at There's a Pickle in My Life shares their budget and talks about how they decided food is the most important item to budget for.
• Money Matters... But Not Too Much — Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting shares how her family approaches money without putting too much of a focus onto it.
• Parenting While Owning a Home Business — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Lauren at Hobo Mama lays out the pros and cons of balancing parenting with working from home.
• Crunchy Living is SO Expensive...Or Is It? — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about her biggest objection to natural living - and her surprise at what she learned.
• Mo' Money, Mo' Problems — Sarah at Parenting God's Children shares how a financial accountability partner changed her family's finances.
• The Importance of Food Planning — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro discusses how food budgeting and planning has helped her, even if she doesn't always do it.
• Kids & Money: Starting an Allowance for Preschoolers — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings discusses her family's approach and experiences with starting an allowance for preschoolers.

A Week of Secrets: #3

Psssssssssst....I'll tell you a secret.

OK, it's not really a secret that I'm trying to keep, but lots of people don't know it.

Partner-Guy and I are not married.

We just can't be bothered.  It's not important to us. 

But what's a little funny to us is how important it is to other people that WE should want to be married. 

This is a real conversation between a neighbourhood-mommy and myself.  She was talking about her husband's job and I mentioned something about Partner-Guy.

Then this:

HER:  How long have you been married? 

ME:  We're not married. We've been together about 7 years.

HER:  So what do you celebrate?

ME:  Silence.

The confused look on my face was enough to indicate that I had no idea what she was talking about, so she elaborated.

HER:  For an anniversary. Do you celebrate your first date? or your first kiss?

The only response I could come up with was, "No. We're not into that."

HER:  Don't you want to celebrate your relationship?

ME:  We celebrate our family every day. 

HER:  But don't you want to have something that is just for the two of you?

ME:  No.

DUH. So apparently her whole concept of being married is that she gets to celebrate an anniversary? Yeah, that's important.  Maybe she was just making conversation.  Either way, it shows a real lack of understanding of the diversity of successful relationships in modern culture.

Partner-Guy and I consider ourselves to be sharing a sophisticated arrangement. We started out on a 3-to-5-year contract with the option to renew for a second 3-to-5-year contract at any time.  The contract was a verbal agreement not to look for other relationships.  At 7 years, we consider ourselves to be free to stay together for as long as we want.  And not a moment longer.

It's an unmarriage.
No marriage equals no expectations. No expectations equals no disappointments. No disappointments equals a very happy, stable relationship.

Since many of the married people I know are at least semi-miserable, I think our arrangement is working out pretty well. And Partner-Guy and I agree that if our children someday ask us to get married (and if they're old enough to think that it would really make a difference to them) then we will, without question.  We aren't anti-marriage.  We just prefer to live in an unmarriage.

The mother of one of Partner-Guy's friends recently told him "You have a beautiful family.  So why don't you make it right by marrying Patti?"  It's funny that people think we are doing it wrong.  Another friend asked, "Don't you want to say the words I promise?"  Aaaah, let me think on that.  No.  Promises can be broken.  Broken promises lead to disappointment.  No promises, no disappointments.

I'm quite fascinated by WHY people choose to get married.  I suspect that most people have reasons that are a lot bigger than having something to celebrate. 

So that's my third secret.  Any comments?

A Week Of Secrets: #2

Psssssst......I'll tell you a secret.  But only if you promise not to tell anyone.

Partner-Guy and I haven't slept in the same bed, or even in the same room, in almost 4 years. 

And when I took this picture of Holly (5.5yrs) and Julian (11 months) a few nights ago, I really knew that NOT sleeping together was probably one of the greatest gifts we could give our children.

Cosleeping has never been an issue for either Partner-Guy or me.  When our oldest daughter Anna was born 7 years ago we had a borrowed crib set up in 'her' room, but we dismantled it at her first birthday when she had never slept in it.  Around that time we put a futon on the floor of 'her' room and I would lay down with her to go to sleep for every nap and at night. 

When Holly was born (when Anna was 20 months), Anna would go to sleep in 'her' bed while Holly slept with her two parents.  But Anna would wake up every night just after midnight and her dad would get her and put her in bed beside me and then he would go back to 'Anna's' room to sleep for the rest of the night.

By the time I was pregnant with Jasmine (now 3.5yrs) we had completely given up any idea of having a kid's bedroom and an adult bedroom.  We bought a high-quality queen-size bed to put in the smaller bedroom for Partner-Guy so that me and the girls could sleep in the king-size bed in the other bedroom.  (Note that we live in a two bedroom bungalow.) 

When Jasmine was born we simply added her to the bed.  We put a guard rail on Anna's side and a Humanity Bed on Jasmine's side.  Holly and I slept in the middle.  There simply was no issue with where everyone was going to sleep.



Photo taken about 2.5 hours after Jasmine was born.



And now we have Julian and somehow we still have space for everyone to sleep.  I know that this picture doesn't look like there is any room for me in the bed, but actually I fit just fine in the very center.  It's doable.  Everyone is happy and well-rested, and really, that's the goal, isn't it? 

When I was a La Leche League Leader I used to hear the following problem over and over from mothers:  I want to keep cosleeping but my husband/partner has had enough and wants the baby/child out of the bed.  La Leche League trains its leaders to be empathetic and gentle, but everytime I heard that problem I would just want to scream If your husband doesn't want to sleep with baby, tell him to sleep somewhere else.

OK. Not so empathetic.  I know.

The problem with the scenario the way the mothers always described it was that it was all about what SHE wanted and what HE wanted without considering what the baby wanted.  Ask yourself: What is the purpose of cosleeping?  Probably you would answer:  To make it easier for the mother to meet the baby's needs during the night with the least disruption to the sleep of the mother and the baby.  So who is not included in that scenario?  The husband/partner.

See, here's the thing:  Cosleeping is not about the spouse.  Did you get that?  COSLEEPING IS NOT ABOUT THE SPOUSE.  Cosleeping is about what is good for the baby and the mother.  If the spouse can't get a good night's sleep with the baby in the bed, he should go to another bed.** 

But I've heard all the arguments.  Let me spell them out for you.  He didn't get married so he can sleep alone.  He feels it's his right to sleep beside his mate.  He says he is building a life-long relationship with ME, not with the baby who will grow up and move out.  He won't have sex with the baby beside us.  He doesn't believe he should have to be kicked out of his own room.

Yeah.  OK.  Well, it's not about him.  Does he have to get up and go to work in the morning?  YES?  Then he is entitled to a good sleep.  And he'll get a great sleep alone in his own bed.  He'll even get up in the morning without disturbing anyone.  It's a great deal for everyone.  (And perhaps you noticed that I had baby last year but I haven't slept with my partner in almost 4 years?  It really does work out!  Really!)

So that's my 2nd secret?  What do you think?

**I've used the pronoun 'he' because although I worked with many mothers who had female partners, the cosleeping issue was only presented to me by mothers with male partners.

P.S.  Yes, I know that cosleeping is not for every mother.  No, I don't think you're a bad mother if you don't cosleep.

Toronto Dog-Owners...What is WRONG with them?

It happened again.
We were assaulted by dogs and their owners in Taylor Creek Park.  Again.

After the first assault earlier this spring, I asked my friend Mike to weigh in with an opinion.  He's a Torontonian.  He has owned a dog.  And his opinion matters to me more than he probably knows.  He responded by saying

If the dog was nowhere near you guys and the threat was perceived rather than real, it might have been better to just leave it alone and go your way, instead of letting it ruin your day. It's like me and the speeders on my street. They may be going too fast, but ultimately, it's me harmed if I let myself be bugged by it.

I remember when Jessica, my old dog, was under the table, sleeping and you guys were coming over. Because of their fear of my dog, you guys wouldn't come into my house until I'd locked her up--and she lived here and helped us raise 2 kids.

I think you should be helping your girls deal with their fear of dogs in a healthy way, rather than giving rein to it. My opinion only, and as I'm not the parent, and advice is free, well, you know--you get what you pay for. My official position, though, is that any right-thinking person should own a dog at least once.

So I took his advice and headed back to The Valley with the kids.  Before we got to the trails we cautioned the children that if a dog approached them they didn't need to panic.  They could just stay close to mommy and daddy and the dogs would pass.  I talked to them about the difference between a perceived threat and a real threat.  And I assured them, that no matter what, we would take care of them.

Before long we were approached by 3 dog-walkers and only one of the dogs was on a leash.  A small-ish dog (about 30lbs) came up to Jazzy and I stood with her and reminded her to be calm.  The dog was wet and muddy and began to rub on Jazzy.  I was grossed out and Jazzy was getting scared so I made eye contact with owner and asked politely "Call your dog, please."  The owner's response:  He's friendly.  Again I asked, "Please call your dog."  No response and no action. 

As I bent to pick up Jazzy and also to move the stroller holding Julian, suddenly Anna and Holly started screaming and Partner-Guy started yelling.  The other off-leash dog, a huge thing, easily 60lbs, was chasing my older daughters.  The owner, a woman in her 20s who lives in my neighbourhood, did nothing.  Partner-Guy whacked/grabbed the dog and Anna and Holly ran to cower behind me and the stroller.

And then the yelling really began.  The dog-owner was beyond furious.  She started screaming obscenities and insults at Partner-Guy and I.  She threatened to hurt our children.  She threatened to sic her dog on Partner-Guy.  AND her and the other dog-owner VEHEMENTLY denied that they are required BY LAW to keep their dogs on a leash.  They are apparently oblivious to the signs posted all over Taylor Creek Park that remind dog owners to keep their dogs on leashes and to stoop-and-scoop and that the fine for non-compliance is $255.

So now my kids refuse to visit the valley.  They are even more terrified of dogs and now they are scared of dog-owners too.  I tried my best and it totally backfired.  I can't even explain how sad I am about this.  The Don Valley River System and Taylor Creek Park are some of the greatest outdoor treasures that Toronto has to offer.  The entrance to the valley is practically in our backyard and now we can't go there because of the Toronto dog-owners whose behaviour is completely incomprehensible to me.

It is really interesting to me that all of our bad experiences with dog-owners have been with women.  They are unbelievably aggressive about defending their choice to unleash their dogs.  I simply don't understand them at all.  It's not that I don't understand that they love their dogs (not that I would ever love a dog.  As if.)  I don't understand their aggression.  Their vile language.  Their unbridled hostility.  I would never act like that.  I DON'T act like that.  Even when I'm defending or standing up for my children, I don't act like that.  Ever.

And just to reiterate:  I'm not scared of dogs.  I'm disgusted by them.  I didn't make my children afraid of dogs.  The obnoxious dog-owners of Toronto who won't use a leash made my children afraid of dogs.

HEY! GET A VASECTOMY!

On the weekend we walked over to Taylor Creek Park, part of the Don Valley Parks System maintained by the city of Toronto.  The weather was glorious and we brought toast, muffins and soy milk to snack on as we wandered the trails.

As we crossed the first footbridge into the park we met up with a woman walking her large dog off-leash.  As my children hid behind me, Partner-Guy politely asked her to leash her dog--as everybody knows you have to leash your dog unless you're in a dog park, right?  She got right in Partner-Guy's face and said, "You've got a bad attitude!  I said the dog's friendly!"  He was quite taken aback by this.  Calmly he said, "That's what every dog owner says before the dog tears a child's face off.  My kids are scared of your dog.  Get it on a leash."

She refused, told him he was full of B-S and walked off.  When she got about 100 feet away she yelled over her shoulder, "HEY, GET A VASECTOMY!"

????????

I was unaware that there was going to be such open hostility toward us simply because we have 4 children.  Now, obviously this woman (who clearly has a HUGE chip on her shoulder about SOMETHING) does not represent all dog-owners, Torontonians or even females in big red coats.  But good grief!  What a thing to say!

We spent about 2 hours in the valley and I estimated that at least half of all dogs that we encountered were off-leash.  This greatly lessened out enjoyment of our outing.  I have since sent the following email to the mayor of our city:

Dear Mayor Ford,
You may remember me as the voter who invited you to have dinner with my family after you were elected. 

I am writing now to ask for your help regarding the number of dogs which are routinely off-leash in Taylor Creek Park, posing a risk to my young children and preventing us from enjoying one of Toronto's fine outdoor areas.  The dog-owners that we have approached to leash their dogs are not at all willing to do so.

Could  you please enforce the bylaw that requires that dogs be leashed?

Thankyou on behalf of my children:  Anna, Holly, Jasmine and Julian

Sincerely,
Patricia Tinholt

I have not yet received a response, but I am pretty confident that I will.  (When I invited Mayor Ford for dinner after the election I told him that "we didn't vote for him, but we wanted to get to know him better which might make us like him."  He called me personally to decline--saying that he'd have to bring his entire entourage--and of course he said that I should contact him anytime if there was ever anything he could do for me.)  Well, we'll see.

To say that I am not a dog-person is a gross understatement.  I'd really like to enjoy Toronto's parks with my children but I am not interested in fending off the dogs and dog-owners. 

Any suggestions?

How to Resolve Big Disagreements in a Relationship

I am SO NOT an armchair-relationship-counsellor.

And this is not a new idea, but it is one that really works.

Love the other person's opinion and see what happens next.

A lot of times we disagree with our partner's point of view as a reflex.  Or because agreeing might take us out of our comfort zones.  Or because we are afraid of setting a precedent that would result in never again having an equal voice in the relationship.  Or because we haven't fully thought about it and it is easier to say 'NO'.  And sometimes we disagree because we don't actually know what is best but we are committed to getting our own way no matter what.

Remember how I wrote yesterday about my disagreement with Partner-Guy over feeding our children candy?  Well, I really respect my Partner-Guy.  His opinions matter to me.  And there are so many changes that he has made just because I've asked him to (such as not watching TV until the kids are asleep) that I really don't want to press my luck and make any demands on him that he really considers to be unreasonable.

THE CANDY DILEMMA
So last fall I gave in to his idea that a little candy once in a while would be OK.  From Hallowe'en until Holly's birthday on December 31 I decided to do it as he suggested.  I closed my mouth and closed my eyes and closed my ears and I continued to make healthy food and he gave the children candy treats whenever they wanted it.

And by the time New Year's was over I was ready to move out of the house.  I actually told the entire FAMILY that it was going to be candy or me.  I couldn't live with it for one more second.  The whining for candy.  The negotiating for candy.  The hoarding of candy.  The fighting over candy.

Fortunately, Partner-Guy and the girls chose to have me stay.  And when I fully explained how I hard it was for me to see that my children were craving candy all the time and refusing to eat the healthy food I was making for them, they all agreed to lay off the candy.  Partner-Guy still talks about it from time to time but he has stopped bringing it home.  Embracing and living with his idea gave me CLARITY and allowed both of us to figure out what we really wanted.

This is just one of many decisions we have made by embracing one idea and seeing how we felt about it after a few months. 

THE 'WHERE ARE WE GOING TO LIVE' DILEMMA
 In 2009 I went through a phase where I was really discontent with our house and our neighbourhood.  I was determined that everything would be better if we could move to downtown Toronto.  Partner-Guy wasn't so sure.  But he agreed to embrace my idea.  For a couple of months we focused on the idea of selling our house and moving.  I spent evenings looking online for a house to rent.  And by the time winter changed to spring I had figured out that I really liked our house and that I didn't want to move after all.

THE 'SHOULD I GO BACK TO WORK' DILEMMA
In 2005, when Anna was not even a year old, we had to decide if I was going to go back to work when she was 16 months old.  I was committed to going back to work, not because I wanted to or because I cared at all about my career, but because I never really expected Partner-Guy to support me financially.  Our relationship at that time was tenuous at best--well, to be honest, we were barely bound by a thread and I expected us to break up within the next 12 months.  Keeping my job was important to me because I didn't know what else to do.

But Partner-Guy could see that it would be extremely detrimental to Anna to be left with another caregiver.  She would not even stay with him long enough for me to see the chiropractor around the corner or go out to get my legs waxed!  He wanted me to give up my job and stay home.

It seemed impossible to me, but I agreed to embrace his plan temporarily and I would make my decision by Anna's first birthday.  I began to live as though I was not planning to return to work.  I stopped looking for a nanny.  I stopped trying to make Anna stay with other caregivers.  I stopped working on my resume and looking for a position closer to home.  Embracing and living with his idea gave me CLARITY and allowed both of us to figure out what we really wanted.  In other words, I never went back to work.

THE CONCLUSION
We've been able to come to agreements on an assortment of dilemmas by embracing one decision, living with it and seeing how we felt about it after a few months.  I believe that no decision has to be forever.  And figuring out our values is not always a simple process--sometimes you have to live it to know if it works or not.

Sometimes people say to me "I want to homeschool, but my partner disagrees" or "We'd have a family bed if my partner would agree to it" or "My partner would never agree to having a midwife." I think that to figure out big issues, both partners have to be willing to try the other person's way of doing it. 

Try it.  You just might like it.

Candy Culture

Partner-Guy and I are fighting.

It's not disastrous.  He doesn't want to do something unthinkable like--gasp!--send the kids to school.

He wants the kids to eat candy.  Aaaargh.  And he talks about candy.  More than he talks about sex.  Seriously.

So we aren't fighting exactly, but we are definitely not on the same page when it comes to eating healthy food and giving our children healthy food options.  It's an ongoing annoyance.  Like a hang-nail.

HIS SIDE

If Partner-Guy were going to write a book of parenting philosophies, the title would be "Put a Smile on Your Child's Face".  He just loves to do the things that make his girls happy.  And if they squeal with delight and wrap their little arms around his neck, he wears a glow that lasts into the next week.

For him, the cheapest, easiest means to getting that big loving reward is with candy.  He says, "A little bit isn't going to hurt them.  It's only once in a while.  What's the big deal?"

MY SIDE

(You know this going to be longer, right?)

I work my patootie off trying to provide healthy food for my kids.  I bake bread twice a week.  I make muffins, loaves and low-sugar cookies every week.  I spend easily an hour a day washing and cutting up fresh raw fruits and vegetables.  EVERY dinner that we eat is made from scratch.  My windows are all filled with pots of seedlings for the vegetable garden.

That's in addition to eating so carefully during each of my pregnancies and succeeding with 4 natural births and breastfeeding exclusively for 6+ months and continuing to breastfeed on demand until each child naturally weaned.  And consider that one of my children is sensitive to wheat, dairy, eggs and soy and I have had to learn and create new recipes for everything we eat!

When there is candy in the house it is the ONLY thing the girls can think about and talk about.  I swear it calls to them from the cupboard.  And they won't eat anything else because they want to save their hunger for the candy.  I'm not joking.

CANDY CULTURE

I hate Candy Culture.  It is everywhere and it is insidious.

There is a song on a Barney video that goes If all the raindrops were lemonballs and gumdrops, Oh what a sight that would be!  Standing outside with my mouth open wide!  Ah, ahahah, ahahah, ahahah!  There is a Franklin episode where he has a fight with his friend Bear and then Bear tries to make up with Franklin by asking him to go to the candy store.  And that's just a start...children's literature is full of references to candy.  It drives me crazy.

For me, Candy Culture is worse than Barbie dolls and action figures.  Toys can be manipulated to portray a positive message.  For example, I've seen my daughters make their Barbies breastfeed each other.  But candy is just bad.  And the problem with candy is that it makes kids (and adults) want more candy.  It is addictive and it changes their brains and affects their behaviour.

Because Partner-Guy talks about candy in tones of heavenly adoration, our daughters think it is the most desirable food on Earth.  The problem is that it is not FOOD.  Mixing sugar and chemicals together and marketing it as food does not make it food.

I've relented about candy once in a while.  I even made Holly a huge gingerbread house for her last birthday.  But I couldn't wait for it all be eaten and I even invited the cousins over to help get rid of it faster.

For me, candy is just all about fighting with my kids.  Why would I allow something into my house that makes my kids fight with me all the time?  I can't do it.  Before Julian was born I told Partner-Guy "You aren't wrecking this one."

Oh, help.

What is your solution to the candy problem?  Do you think having candy in moderation is OK?

(And come back tomorrow when I reveal how we solve major issues at our house.  It's a tried-and-true solution that really works!)

Time to Stop Reading

I read a lot.

Since Julian was born I've read 2 books, mostly while nursing.

First I read A Little History of the World by E. H. Gombrich. (It was a New York times Bestseller when it came out in 2005.) At almost 300 pages, it was not little. It covered all recorded history up to WWI and included all regions of the world during every era. So I read about what was happening in China while the Egyptians were building pyramids. And I read about what the Germanic people were doing while the British were colonizing. And I read about what the Mayans and Incas were doing while the Colosseum was built in Greece. It was very interesting. Although I took Canadian History and European History in university, I had never learned about any history from any other part of the world.


That lack of knowledge, I'm afraid, is pretty typical of a public school education. Even now, the curriculum in Ontario schools requires that Pioneers is taught in Grade 3, Medieval Times is taught in Grade 4 and Ancient Civilizations are taught in Grade 5. Explorers are taught in Grade 6 and then the meat of Canadian History is taught in Grades 7 and 8. None of these time periods are taught in such as way as to connect them to each other, and most kids have absolutely no interest in history. In fact, when I worked at a school where most of the students were immigrants or the children of immigrants I found that they were not even very interested in their own history. I think that there is no context established in which to teach history in public schools. It's approached as a subject with facts to be memorized. It should be approached as a fabulous story to be enjoyed and savoured. And it should help us to better understand the nature of being human.

The next book I read after Julian's birth is The Birth House by Ami McKay. It is a fabulous historical fiction about midwifery in Nova Scotia around the time of WWI. It was about 100 years ago that the medical establishment began to take over birth and women's bodies and to brainwash women into believing that all health-related decisions should be made by a doctor. This attitude continues to prevail, unfortunately. Just a few weeks ago Macleans magazine had an article on how people are starting to not trust doctors and it featured a woman who had gone to see a doctor because she couldn't get pregnant and he told her she would never conceive and needed to have a hysterectomy to prevent other complications. She followed his advice and had the surgery and later learned that there was nothing wrong with her uterus and that she probably could have had a successful pregnancy.


Anyway, that book was right up my alley. A perfect reinforcement of my belief in trusting ourselves and our bodies and using alternative therapies whenever possible. And of course, my strong support of natural birth certainly kept me turning page after page.

I started another book just last week that I can hardly put down. It's The Tiger by John Valliant. I read the review in Macleans magazine and I knew it would be perfect for me, so I ordered it from Amazon right away. It's the true story of a tiger hunt in South East Russia in 1997. You have to read it to understand why it so compelling. It includes a lot of history of Russia (no wonder people are trying to get out). But it's the vivid insight into human behaviour that has me trying to nurse Julian 20 times a day, just so I can enjoy another page or two.

In addition to usually having a book on the go, I also read Macleans magazine, cover to cover, every week. And I usually read The Toronto Star every day, focusing mostly on local events and cover stories.

But last week I read too much.

It wasn't the volume of words I read that was the problem. It was the content.

For 4 days in a row I read article after article in both Macleans and The Star about the sadistic monster who killed those women in Tweed. I wanted to stop but I couldn't. And then I'd lay awake all night thinking someone was breaking into the house. I couldn't even go into the basement unless Partner-Guy was home. I was so irrational that I once took the girls downstairs with me to get something out of the freezer.

By Saturday I knew I had to get a grip. I told Partner-Guy how freaked out I was and I asked him to bar all the basement windows so that they can't be opened from the outside. I also insisted that the doors to the deck have a second lock put on them, since they are in my bedroom. I expected him to laugh at my fears but he took me completely seriously and went directly to Home Depot to buy the supplies. (Note to self: you know you've got a good guy when he takes your completely irrational fears seriously.)

I guess I'm easily freaked out. It makes me wonder what other women think when they read such gruesome details of criminal behaviour. Does it not affect them? Do they just assume that random acts of violence could never happen to them? If I lived alone, I would have installed an alarm system this week, and it is only because I have a man who comes home to sleep every night that I don't have one. When I lived alone in condominiums, I used to put a piece of furniture in front of my door every night. And when my parents owned their house outside of Moorefield, I was terrified of being there at night alone. In fact, I would go out of my way to avoid ever being alone there after dark. When I was a teenager one of my girlfriends wanted to watch the movie Psycho. Even though I spent most of the movie in another room (I was too scared to watch it) I was totally jumpy and nervous about taking a shower for more than a year. I even went so far as to check inside the vanity in the bathroom every time I entered the room (as if there'd be someone hiding inside it).

What I read or see on TV stays with me in way that I don't think other people experience. So I think I'll stick to reading about birth and tigers. At least I already know I can handle natural child birth. And I'm not scared of tigers.

Ottawa: April 30 - May 2

We travelled by train to Ottawa, leaving Union Station at noon on Friday and returning around 5pm on Sunday. When we take little trips, we mostly stay in hotels for only one night, and our last 3-day trip was to Niagara Falls, about 2 months before Jasmine was born.

We decided to go by train because the drive would have been impossible: our children do not sit for 6 hours in carseats. And we could have picked a closer destination, but we chose Ottawa in order to visit a friend of mine who moved there 2 years ago, and also because I thought the girls would enjoy seeing the Tulip Festival. The purpose of the trip was not to be a history or civics lesson, that's for sure.

We spent just 2 hours at Parliament Hill on the Saturday morning. Anna enjoyed the vast expanse of grass to run on while Holly played with her little stuffed fox among the tulips. Jasmine enjoyed a snack on the lawn. We did not go inside. When we asked the girls if they wanted to go for a walk along the canals, they asked to go back to the hotel pool instead. No problem.

Holly, as you can see from the picture below, became quite proficient at jumping into the water and then swimming along the surface until one of us fished her out. It was quite impressive actually, considering that just a couple of months ago she would not jump into deep water without being caught. I think that spending at least 8 hours in the pool over a 3-day period provides a great opportunity for the kids to learn and experiment with new activities in the water, and all of them continued to improve their swimming abilities. It's quite amazing, really, to see how they can teach themselves and are inspired and encouraged by each other.

There was a mother in the pool before we left on Sunday morning, whose son was around the same age as Holly. Every time Holly jumped into the water the mother would tell her son to watch and make a comment expressing her desire for him to attempt the same thing, which he refused. At one point I heard her say "How will you learn to swim if you don't let me teach you?" I could only roll my eyes. I really don't expect mainstream parents to get it that kids are quite capable of learning on their own when given adequate opportunities.

Holly and Anna spent a significant portion of the train ride colouring, drawing and reading, as well as most of their time in the hotel room (except when they were sleeping!). We had purchased some new markers, crayons and colouring books before we left. I had to acknowledge that, except for the hours spent swimming, they spent the 52 hours that we were away doing exactly the same things that they would have done at home. And I don't have a problem with that. I think that being a good traveller is a skill that children learn through experience. They are comfortable and content at hotels, in restaurants and on public transportation. I laugh when people refer to them as 'well behaved'; I always say "They're happy."

I think that the best part of the trip for me has been that Partner-Guy has told me at least 4 times in the last 4 days that he thinks it was a great trip. He didn't even blink while paying for taxi rides or ordering Swiss Chalet to be delivered on Friday night. He happily put on his still-wet-swimsuit no less than seven times and trotted down the hall to the pool with girls. He took them to the bathroom on the train too many times to count and he read the same 3 books as many times as they asked. It was a great trip. And I am so relieved that he doesn't consider it to have been a waste of money or not worth the effort.

The Essence of Holly (and why living in the city is starting to smother me)

Yesterday Holly climbed a 16 foot ladder.

She had been walking on the sidewalk near our house and she noticed that one of our trees had a hole in the secondary trunk and she wanted to see whether or not there was a bird nest inside. So she asked her dad to set up the ladder for her and without a hint of hesitation she climbed to the top, peered into the hole and reported that it contained seeds and wood. She is a delightful little scientist, and since then she has spun a wonderful tale of how the hole contains not just a nest but also 3 tiny turquoise eggs. I love it.

For Holly, climbing the ladder was a normal solution to a simple question. She has no idea of the angst that her father suffered in letting her do it.

The concern was not in the least about whether or not Holly could climb the ladder. She has climbed a 6 foot vertical ladder at the playground hundreds of times, sometimes while carrying a stuffed animal or two. So her personal safety was not an issue, especially since Partner-Guy would be standing at the bottom of the ladder to steady it and to help her if necessary.

No, the concern was that our neighbours or other people passing by on the street would freak out at the sight of our 3-year-old daughter climbing 16 feet into the tree. In fact, Partner-Guy even mentioned that someone might call CAS to report us for endangering our child!!

Isn't that hideous? And scary??

Partner-Guy and I are pretty close to being the most safety-conscious parents on the planet. I mean, he has been known to obsess that the tree (with the hole in it) could fall on the children while they play in the driveway. But we know our kids. There was literally no question as to whether or not Holly could handle climbing the ladder. But other people don't know what we know. And people are known not to mind their own business.

If we lived in the country, or at least on a reasonably private, isolated property, then no one would have seen Holly's ascent into the tree and we wouldn't have given it a second thought. Living in the city makes us very conscious that everything we do can be observed by other people. Our lives are under a microscope all the time. And people feel very free to criticize us, right in front of our children.

One day in the spring we were coming home from the playground and came across a couple of big puddles near a baseball diamond. Anna and Holly had a great time splashing and sloshing around, and they were covered in mud by the time we left. Well, at least 10 people who passed us on the sidewalk had something negative to say about how we 'let' them get so dirty.

Another day Partner-Guy looped a rope over a tree branch and fastened it to a milk crate which he used to raise and lower the girls (individually). They loved it. From high in the air they waved and laughed. And every person who walked by had either a squinty-frown, raised eyebrows or a negative comment. Somebody said, "Now look what you've started." What does that mean? What have we started? Playing with our kids?

So living here is smothering me. The easy solution (go ahead, say it to me!!) is to stop letting other people's opinions have any affect on me. Yeah, right. I'm at the point where I don't tell anyone where my kids sleep, how long they breastfed, if they are vaccinated, that they don't attend school or any other private information that could make people think that I am such a weirdo-parent that I might need to be investigated. Honestly. Partner-Guy and I have a genuine fear that someone will send CAS to our door. It has happened to other people.

Is the solution to get out of Toronto? Possibly. But I think I have to really examine for myself whether or not I place too much emphasis on what other people think of how I'm raising my children. This issue might just be about me and maybe I need to think more about it.

In the meantime, I definitely intend to not get in the way of Holly and her intense curiosity.

Colossal Ignorance

Good thing I've never claimed to be a perfect parent.

We went to the Toronto Zoo yesterday, a trip we've taken at least 50 times before. Since the weather yesterday was slightly cool and overcast, we went late in the afternoon and anticipated staying until the Zoo closed at 7:30pm.

The girls wanted to hit the waterpark first, so in spite of the cold water and the less-than-hot weather, we splashed around there for an hour or so. When they were sufficiently cold and hungry we got everybody dressed and then ate a picnic of cold chicken, still-hot baked potatoes, boiled eggs, cashews, dried apricots and cucumbers.

As soon as we left the waterpark area, Anna spotted a popsicle cart. She had already asked before we left home if she could get a popsicle at the zoo and I had reluctantly agreed. But when she wanted to get one she was still blue and shivering from being in the water, and she was full from eating a big meal. So I suggested that she wait and that we would get popsicles before we went home.

As it turned out, all of the staff at the popsicle carts left their posts at 6:30pm, and we were unable to buy one before we left. Anna lost her mind with grief. It was as if all the joy in the universe was sucked out of the atmosophere and replaced with indescribable suffering. I mean really. There has never been such carrying on over a popsicle, I'm sure, anywhere, ever.

So we left.

Holly had wanted to ride the Zoomobile and visit the orangutans, but there was no way that we could do anything with Anna who was imploding, exploding and ready to self-destruct. She tried to negotiate that we would go to the Zootique and look for some candy to replace the popsicle, but I was less than keen on that idea. I know her. A visit to the store for a lollypop would turn into another meltdown over wanting to buy a stuffed animal or a book or a puzzle or any other stupid little toy that she would be convinced would bring joy back to the universe.

But I was angry so we left.

To be perfectly honest, I already had my back up before we even got to the Zoo because she was completely focused on getting a popsicle. The minute we arrived at the Zoo she started looking for popsicle carts and planning which one she wanted. I kept thinking "We have popsicles at home, Anna. What's the big deal? Do we really have to drive all the way to Zoo for a popsicle?" I felt as though the only reason she had wanted to go to the Zoo was for the popsicle, and I felt like there was something wrong with that. Then I got really mad that we had to leave the Zoo before Holly got to do the things she wanted to do. And there was no way I was going to pacify Anna with candy. Like, I'm not that kind of mother.

So what kind of mother am I? Apparently I'm the kind of mother who randomly makes rules about when her children can and cannot eat sugar. I hate it that my kids eat sugar at all. In fact, just about the only thing that Partner-Guy and I 'fight' about is whether or not to let the kids eat candy. He thinks that since he enjoyed it as a kid, he doesn't want to deprive his kids of it. I think that since it makes them hyper, not sleep and gives them cavities, that we are too smart to keep feeding it to them. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that I hate that my kids eat candy. I actually have a choking and sick feeling when I see them eating it.

So what would an Authentic Parent do? I don't know.

Am I trying to change Anna by expecting her to want to go to the Zoo without the expectation of getting a popsicle or candy? Are my candy rules arbitrary? Who am I fighting with really: the kids or Partner-Guy? Is there any solution besides refusing to allow them to eat ANY candy or sugary junk of any kind, including homemade cookies and cake? What about when they are out with Partner-Guy and he buys them candy? Won't that just encourage them to be sneaky and deceitful because they know they can get it from him but not from me?

I'm really stumped by this. I have been trying to solve this problem for the last 4 years, and I am no further ahead.

Of all the disagreements I expected to have with my kids as they grew up, I really didn't expect to spend this much time dealing with and thinking about candy. Piercings, parties and pregnancy, yes, but not candy. Sigh.