How to THRIVE this Holiday Season

Does thinking about the approaching festivities sometimes make you feel nauseous?


Are you nervous about spending time with family or friends who don't understand your approach to parenting?


Are you already bogged down in the details and preparations?

Wouldn't you love to transform your perspective from one of dread to one of excitement?

Wouldn't you love to bring more Joy to your family by arriving with more Joy in yourself?

I invite you to make yourself a priority this Christmas by observing some self-love and self-care.

My personal life coach and business coach, Tara Wagner, has created an extraordinary package of audios to help you focus on what really matters to you during the holidays.

 Her Holiday Thriving Kit includes a 40 minute meditation as well as two 90-minute recordings of coaching and suggestions to help you release the negativity or unhelpful expectations that you might bring to the holiday season, specifically geared toward helping us move through challenging family, friends and inter-personal experiences we might encounter during the holidays with people who do not share our values.

Having worked with Tara for the past 8 months, I can personally say that her work is nothing short of transformational.  In this audio package, she provides both practical and deeper coaching on meeting our needs this holiday season and how to create an experience in which all parties can thrive.

Wouldn't you love to THRIVE instead of just SURVIVE the holidays?


 

This is an affiliate link.

The Act of Creation

When I first started this blog I think I was a different person.  In fact, when I re-read what I first wrote about, I don't even recognize who I was those 3 years ago.

I THOUGHT I had something to say.  I THOUGHT I was an exemplary parent and that other parents could learn from me.  I THOUGHT that if I ranted about a few issues I would get them off my chest and be able to move on.  I THOUGHT that if I used value-heavy words like authenticity, potential and connection that I could present myself a woman who has really got her act together.

Frankly, I was a first-class moron.  I mean, I didn't KNOW what I DIDN'T KNOW!  I didn't know how to get authentic.  I didn't know how to reach my potential.  And sure didn't know how to develop meaningful connection with anyone, not even my children.

Yet somehow as I began to write about what I thought I already had, I began to attract those things into my life for real.  A conversation with Naomi Aldort turned me onto The Work of Byron Katie.  Then my Partner-Guy's mother gave me DVD of The Secret.  I found Tara Wagner of  The Organic Sister and did a series of coaching sessions with her.  She then introduced me to her own coach, Heather Madder, The Coach for Changemakers.  And now, finally, I am discovering some of the answers to what I have really been seeking.

Blogging, as an act of creation, can be the catalyst to finding all that we seek.  It allows us to connect with each other.  It opens us to new possibilities.  It brings ideas and opportunities to us just when we need them.  It allows us to share our energy and to receive the positivity of others.

Do you know Zoie at Touchstonez?  She is so soulful, so mindful, so authentically searching for Truth.  Her blog, as an act of creation, has inspired me so much.  She is a beautiful friend and a treasured sister.

Have you ever hopped over to Working to be Worthy?  Liana (or Cat, as I call her), is on such a deep spiritual journey through mothering.  I love to read her thoughts on life and love and to think about how I approach the same situations.  Perhaps she will soon discover that she is ALREADY worthy....

And there are more:  Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Minute, Adrienne at Mommying My Way, Heather at Mattern Family, and Ruth at Joy in Momming are all wonderful inspirations to me.  They are real moms, real soul-sisters, real women on a journey of Truth and Light and Love.  I am so grateful for all that these women have brought to my life online.

Joy and Love I send to all of you!

Do you blog as an act of creation?  What unexpected benefits have you received from your online presence?

Compassion, Joy and Staying Connected to Yourself

Yesterday the weather here in Toronto was totally GORGEOUS so the children and I decided to go to the zoo.  We're Unschoolers, so we visit at least one of the fabulous attractions in our great city every week.

While we were there one of my daughters was doing something that I felt might create a minor danger or annoyance to other people.  I pointed out to her what she was doing and I asked her if she could see the danger and would she stop her action.  Then I left her to deliberate her next move.

But before she could do anything, an adult passing by yelled at my daughter and made a derogatory about me.

I WAS LIVID.


I can handle being insulted, but when someone who has no connection to my child chooses to intervene when I am RIGHT THERE it is a HUGE emotional trigger for me.

My usual reaction to an event like that is to let it ruin my day, my week, or even my month.  I replay it in my head over and over and over.  I make up hundreds of insults and smart-ass comments that I wish I had thrown at that intervening adult.  I degrade myself for letting that situation happen.  As days go by, every time I am out in public with my children I am suspicious of any one who looks at us because I am afraid of another confrontation.  In fact, I even let myself become so fearful of negative interactions with other people that I will deliberately avoid going out.

This time I stayed connected to myself.


Yesterday, as I felt my emotions rising and the blood rushed to my head, I took a deep breath and I blew it away.  I relaxed my shoulders, looked into my daughter's eyes and smiled.  The angry thoughts started to bubble up and I took another deep breath and I blew them away, too.  I asked my daughter what she would like to do now and she answered by skipping away down the path and calling to her sisters.

Mentally, I hugged myself.  I repeated to myself: I am not my experiences.  I am who I AM.  When I caught up to my daughter, I hugged her and I saw that her joy, her authenticity, was completely intact.

This is a big breakthrough for me!  I am so used to sabotaging my own joy that this has been a hard habit to break.  I am learning to reprogram my thoughts to stay connected to my authenticity.

Recently, two similar incidents have been the catalyst to make me more aware of how I am used to abusing myself.  First, a person from my past left a hateful and vile comment on one of my blog posts.  Later the same week I received a (gentle) reprimand for a professional mistake that I made years ago when I was an elementary school teacher.  I knew that those two events would normally have sparked a long and sad descent into self-flagellation.  I couldn't let that happen because, honestly, I have a lot to accomplish!

Instead, I found a way to be grateful for each of those events.  I experienced them as reminders to stay connected to myself, to examine who I am, and to wish joy upon the people who brought these events into my life.  I accepted with genuine gratitude that these were reminders to chose my own words carefully and to maintain my online presence as a reflection of my integrity and authenticity.

How do you stay connected to yourself when you experience a negative situation?

I've Stopped Telling People That We are Homeschoolers

You know Homeschoolers, right?

Every September the Homeschool-Mama cranks up the curriculum machine, laying out plans for the learning patterns of her children.  She buys books, kits and activities.  She schedules lessons and playgroups.  She wears her school-at-home hat and the children sit at the table and do school-at-home.

And that's fine if you really are a Homeschool-Mama and your kids really do school-at-home.


But to be honest, I'm operating from a completely different paradigm.

I'm operating from the perspective of Trust.  I'm trusting my children to learn whatever they feel inclined to learn whenever they feel motivated to learn it.  I provide a rich, full life and then I get out of the way and I watch with amazement as my children demonstrate and assimilate their literacy skills, their gross motor skills, their imaginations, their compassion and cooperation, their joy and excitement, their meaningful lives.


Yesterday we were at the Ontario Science Centre.  On a Monday there are two kinds of people there:  school groups and moms with tots.  My older children stand out because they are not part of those two groups.  So inevitably, someone asks "Are you off school today?"  and they (or I) will answer "No.  We don't go to school."  And inevitably the next reply is "Oh, you're homeschoolers."

So I've stopped saying "Yes."  Saying Yes, we are Homeschoolers implies a whole lot of things about the parent-child relationship in our home that our NOT TRUE.  It implies that I am imposing something onto my children that I'm simply not.

Why was I saying "Yes" in the first place?  Because of fear and accommodation.  I was fearful of putting an idea out that other people wouldn't understand so I would accommodate them with an answer that would make them feel comfortable.

Well, no more.

My new answer is "No.  We learn together wherever we are."

It's a small thing, this decision to be authentic about our learning.  But it matters to me.  I can't show my children that I am unwilling to be honest just because I can't be bothered to give an authentic answer.  My children know about Homeschooling because we know families who choose that model for their home-based learning.  So obviously they know that it is a lie for me to tell people that we are Homeschoolers.  I have to be honest for their sakes.

But I also have to be honest because I think that it is important to let the world know that we who are the non-conformists will not be silenced or lumped together for the comfort levels of those who choose the status quo.  I don't hide that I breastfeed or that I believe homebirth can be a safe option or that I don't poison my children with colours and chemicals disguised as food.

I've never pretended that the parenting path I've chosen is easy.  It is hard to know that mainstream culture has no framework for understanding the paradigm I've chosen to live.  But just like it took the parents who said "We will not spank" to make the major shift in mainstream parenting that now frowns on spanking, it will take parents like me who say "We will not control and coerce our children's learning" to make a shift in the general parenting consciousness.

I'm will to contribute to that change, even if it takes me (and other people) out of our comfort zones.

I Hate the Internet

Notwithstanding:

• that because of Facebook I have connected with two of my cousins, whose lives and deeds of inspiration have brought great joy to my heart
• that through blogging I have made a few wonderful friends whose daily musings both entertain and excite me, sometimes sparking deep personal reflection
• that if it weren't for email I would never have contact with my sister
• that I love being able to instantly find whatever information I am seeking--a recipe or a definition or a video of how a tornado is formed(!)
• that my spunky little computer may be my ticket to achieving my dreams,

I hate the Internet.

I hate the way that some people use the Internet to communicate in ways that they would never do in real life.  And I'm not talking about pornographers or terrorists.  I'm talking about regular, everyday people who think that sitting at a computer screen, getting glimpses into other people's lives, gives them the right to unleash their hyperbolic reactions and opinions in ways that they would never do in real life.

I'm not even talking about the occasional obnoxious comment that I receive here on my blog.  Honestly, if people don't like my ideas about natural parenting, unschooling and healthy living, there are lots of other places on the Internet for them to hang out.  Why would they waste their time on me?  It would never even occur to me to leave hostile criticism on someone's website, no matter what they write about it.  I just have other priorities.

What really bothers me are the people who express every knee-jerk reaction that springs to mind, yet in real life, they have nothing to say.  For example, every article that appears in an online newspaper on the topic of Unschooling seems to attract the most hateful, uninformed responses.  Would these commenters speak to me like that if they met me and my children at the park?  I doubt it.  

And that's the problem with the Internet.  The lack of face-to-face communication allows people to completely disregard the social standards of proper interaction.  It allows people to behave completely without social skills.  It allows for too much anonymity and lack of consequences for engaging in anti-social behaviours.

Imagine that my family and I were invited to a wedding.  While there, some of the guests find out that we are Unschoolers and they start screaming at us that we don't deserve to be parents, that we are unfit and abusive.  Would that happen?  No, because in real life, people know that there are social boundaries that we don't cross.  On the Internet, it seems that people don't give themselves boundaries.

And the reason this really concerns me is that already an entire generation has grown up with the Internet and without these personal boundaries being firmly in place.  When children see that adult Internet-users do not hold back their vitriolic and hateful opinions, they learn that they don't have to either.  We have school-age children who are expert cyber-bullies and we don't question how that happened.

As an adult Internet user, I have a responsibility to communicate in the same way that I do in real life.  The tone I set online is who I really am.  I don't have an online personality and a different one in real life.  When I have nothing to say, I stay quiet.  When I vehemently disagree with another person's ideas, I walk away and I don't come back.  When I believe in something, my real life and my virtual life work in harmony to promote it.

Will you do something for me?  Will you make a pledge with me?

I pledge that my online voice will be an authentic reflection of who I really am, the life I am living and the opinions I hold dear.  I will not use virtual words that I would not use in real life.

It's a small thing, but let's unite in our desire to uphold the social standards of communication that have been with us for generations.  Please leave me a short comment to let me know that you agree.

(If you are reading this in an email, you will have to click on the blue title at the top which will take you to my webpage.  Scroll to the bottom to leave a message.  Anonymous messages are accepted.)

Why Giving up a Career Matters

The other night Julian (15 months) woke up at 5am.  He thrashed around a little until he was fully awake and needing attention.  I tried to nurse him, I tried sitting up and rocking him, I tried rubbing his little belly in case he had gas:  nothing settled him down and after about 30 minutes he was crying.

I carried him out to the living room where he sat on my lap quietly for a while.  Then he seemed to want to lay down so we went back to the bedroom.  But he wouldn't lay down.  We repeated this little routine for the next hour.  Bedroom, living room.  Bedroom, living room.  Then we sat on the edge of the bed for a while and finally, close to 7am, he fell asleep in my arms.  Carefully, I laid him down and crept into bed beside him, desperate to fall asleep again.

And I did!  I fell asleep instantly.  (I have a lot of experience with interruptions to my sleep.)  When Julian and I simultaneously opened our eyes, it was 9:20am.  We had had a full night's sleep in spite of the 2 hour interruption.

But imagine if I had gone back to work this September when my maternity ended.  I would have had to get out of bed at 7am, just as Julian was going back to sleep.  I would have had to get my 3 daughters up and fed, then wake up Julian and get all the children out the door by 8am.  I'd have to drop off the two older children at a daycare for before and after school care, and then make a second stop for the younger children for full-day care.

I'd arrive at work already exhausted.  Since my career was as an elementary school teacher, I'd spend the day in a facility designed to turn every sniffle and cough into an epidemic.  Then I'd get to bring those germs home to my tired baby.  I'd be likely to get sick.  At least one of my children would get sick.  I'd have to work while I was sick since I'd need to save my paid sick days for when my children would be sick.  Chances are, I'd be in a state of semi-sickness all the time.

And that's not to mention the stress!  Feeling crazy-tired, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to save my best self for my children at the end of the work day.  And Partner-Guy gets stressed at his job, too.  Would I have anything left of myself to listen to him and offer support?

There's lots and lots of research available to support how important it is to small children to be home with their mothers.  And there's lots of research to tell you that it is fine to balance family and career and that your children will not suffer.

But I'm not even talking about the children here.  I'm talking about me.  If I had to go to work everyday, I'd lose my mind.  I did go back to work at a school for 4 months when I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter.  Partner-Guy stayed home with the oldest girls, but it was still really, really hard.  I had tremendous guilt for a long time when I was on maternity leave and I had to work very hard to heal the chasms I had created in my relationships with my daughters.

And I know how lucky I am.  It is only because we are coming from a place of privilege that I can even BE a stay-at-home-mom.  I know how fortunate we are to be able to live comfortably on one income.  Not all women have the luxury of choice when it comes to working or staying home with their children.

Some women can find the family/work balance.  Both my sister and Partner-Guy's sister are mothers who have full-time professional careers.  My brother's wife is able to work from home with her son by her side.  Several of my friends were able to work part-time or in temporary positions in between their babies' births.  And I know other moms who work at full-time careers and who are clearly miserable and stressed all the time.

I don't have any answers about finding the balance between being a mother and having a career.  But I know that I place less value on my career than on my health and sanity.  I'm not capable of being the kind of mom that I aspire to be AND working full-time at my career.  I only want to find my Freedom and Joy.

For me, waking up at 9:20am beside my joyful son is as good as it gets.

Tomorrow:  Why Picking the Right Guy Matters

"But How will they be Socialized?" {My Own Perspective on the Social Skill Development of Schooled Children}

This is my opinion.
The social atmosphere in schools is toxic, it does not reflect 'the real world' and it is hard enough to navigate as an adult, let alone as a child.


Everybody's big concern about children who are homeschooled is "How will they socialize?" My own family and friends have shown concern about whether my children have or will have friends and they ask what I am doing to provide them with opportunities to be around children their age. Before I started to study child development (which happened only after I became a mom, not while I was in Teacher's College) I too believed that children needed to be with each other to learn how to behave in socially acceptable ways.

What I now understand is that it would be impossible for a group of immature beings to help each other achieve maturity. Social skills and socially acceptable behavior are learned from people who exhibit the skills and behaviours that we want children to adopt, namely their parents or other adults who we hope our children will emulate.

Gordon Neufeld explains in his book Hold on to your Kids how 'getting along' with others does not occur because of peer contact but from the gradual development of authentic personality and from having developed both self-respect and value for the personhood of others. He also explains how children who have spent time in daycare before attending school initially seem to have an advantage over children who have not attended daycare. This is because the children who had been to daycare had been 'socialized', which is to say that they were more comfortable around large groups of children and interacting with adults whom they had never met. In other words, their shyness (which is what naturally repels children from people to whom they have no attachment) was gone. However, this so-called advantage is an illusion: Neufeld sites research that the longer a child had been in daycare, the more likely they were to exhibit defiant or aggressive behaviours, the opposite of socially acceptable behaviours.

My personal observations from 10 years as a teacher back up Neufeld's research. Sending a child into school who has never been to daycare is throwing a sheep to the lions. School is not a level playing field, whatever that means. Rather, the school system is hierarchical, and that does not just include the principal, vice principal and teachers. In every classroom there is a hierarchy, and each child finds their place. It is never the smartest child who is at the top of the hierarchy. In fact, the most intelligent children are usually treated with disdain by the other children, and as a nuisance by the teacher. It is the loudest child who gets the most attention, not the nicest child. And if a child has any attribute that makes him or her 'different', the child is ostracized completely.

So many negative social interactions occur in a day with 20-30 children, that a teacher cannot possibly assist in finding a solution or creating a balance every time a dispute or problem occurs. In fact, a teacher is more likely to settle a dispute by siding with the aggressor, in the hopes of appeasing him or her and having fewer behaviour issues to deal with, at least in the short term. The pecking order is cruel and random and it can change daily. The children are always vulnerable to the whims and moods of the teachers and to ever changing power dynamics amongst their peers. Nothing can ever be taken for granted.

The 'power' exhibited among 25 children who are all the same age has nothing to do with merit and everything to do with playing a 'social game' with rules that are constantly changing. Is this the way we want power to be gained in the adult world? And is it what is really happening? Is Obama the President because of merit or personality? Is Harper the Prime Minister because of merit or personality? For me, it's all too complicated and if I can't figure out the 'social game' (this, from a chick with virtually no friends) how can a 5-year-old figure it out? School is an ever-changing popularity contest, and if that's a reflection of the 'real world' then I definitely choose to opt out.

Does this mean that I'm not sending my kids to school because I'm afraid they won't make friends? Not at all. What I'm afraid of is that their brains will be so stressed out trying to navigate the social game that there will be very little of it left for actual learning. Besides that, nobody needs to be with people 5 days/week in order to be their friend. Most adults would say that their best friends are NOT the people they see at work everyday.

One of my friends experienced this frightening social order that I have observed in schools is several profound ways. Being significantly smarter than his peers and possessing a strong need for social justice, he was almost always rejected and ridiculed. His creativity was thwarted and his natural authenticity was put down. One time he planned a huge art project--a mural--but was told that he couldn't complete it because the school was focused on literacy at that time. Another time his personal property--a math text!!--was confiscated because it was different from the style of mathematics being taught at the time. Incredibly, he was even sent home for refusing to be in the same room with a student who had told him to f*ck off, and he was subsequently told (by a person with no authority or training to make such an assumption) that he had an anger management problem.

Now, re-read that paragraph with the new knowledge that all of those things happened to my friend while he was a teacher, not a student. If an adult can be treated with such arbitrary and contrived 'rules', imagine how difficult it must be for a child to exist authentically in the same environment? How can a child possibly learn the rules of 'socially acceptable behaviour' when they change every day? Or when the adults who are supposed to be modelling them for the children do not apply them to their relationships with each other?

For me, raising authentic children is my highest goal, which really means that I must act as a guardian of their authentic selves. In school, their authenticity would have no value, and would certainly not be protected. They would be expected by their peers and teachers to conform to a pre-existing standard, a standard that probably doesn't have anything to do with the values of our family.
 
That's not what I want for them. 

Authentic at 7 Years Old

My daughter Anna is a home-body. She doesn't ask to attend activities, visit friends or even to go to the playground. Every week I ask her if she'd like to go with her dad to the grocery store or swimming or to visit Granny and every week she refuses.  In the winter, she won't even go outside to play. Although she spent all last winter talking about wanting to learn how to skate, she went to the arena just once, in spite of it being offered to her twice a week..

Sometimes I let myself get really stressed about her refusal to leave the house. I sometimes believe that either there is something wrong with her or wrong with the way I am relating to her or wrong with me. I pressure her to go out and do things: grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, swimming, skating, whatever. She refuses and I get angry.

I have had to really spend some time reflecting on what was going wrong with my attitude.  How can a 7-year-old spend so much time at home?  Shouldn't she be doing activities? 

But Anna does not like new things. She does not like equipment (eg. skates). She does not like meeting new people and she especially does not respond favourably to a total stranger who is trying to teach her something. She likes to stay home. She likes her grandparents and her cousins. She likes the playground behind our neighbourhood school and she likes the convenience store behind our house. She tolerates the Science Centre and the Zoo. New places, people and activities are not a priority for her. It's not just that she's cautious in her approach to something new. She rejects even the idea of trying something new that I suggest. Not into it. At all.

When my children were infants I was confident enough in my mothering that I didn't care how many hours other babies slept at night or how much weight they were gaining or how early they walked. I didn't compare them to other people's babies.  So probably, I shouldn't compare my 7-year-old to other people's 7-year-olds.

I need to accept that it's not just that my child is normal just the way she is, she is actually better than normal because she is living her life authentically. She is just the way she is and it makes her perfectly happy. I could pressure her to try new activities, but then she would be doing it to please me, rather than being authentic. She knows what she can handle, and I have to trust her to tell me when she's ready to try something different.

As I trust her in her authenticity, maybe I'll be able to fully discover my authentic self, too.

You're Not Homeschooling Because....Your Spouse is Against it

I hear from lots of people who are interested in keeping their children out of school, but they have numerous reasons for not doing it. This week I will explore some of those reasons.


If you are not interested in homeschooling, please feel free to browse the links in my sidebar and come back next week for more stories of authentic parenting and natural living.

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I know a woman whose husband was vehemently opposed to homebirth.  She agreed to a hospital birth for her first child and for her second she chose a homebirth.  However, when she was in labour, her husband called an ambulance and forced her into it.  Her son was born en route to the hospital.

I know another woman whose husband insisted that it was time to sleep-train their 6 month old baby.  For weeks this mother stood outside her baby's bedroom every evening, sobbing as her daughter cried herself to sleep.

I know another woman whose husband says he never agreed to her becoming a stay-at-home mom.  When her children were 3yrs and 1yr, he insisted that she return to work.  Everytime I see her she tells me how lucky I am to be raising my own children and how much she hates it that someone else is raising hers.

Friends, I'm not trying to vilify husbands. 

A mother's relationship with her parenting partner is just as important as her relationship with her children. 
But it is not MORE important.

The big decisions that a family faces should include the concerns and input of everyone involved:  where to live, two incomes or one, the style of education.  There should be no default to whatever option is the most familiar, especially if one person is raising questions about following the status quo.

I've written before about how my Partner-Guy and I make big decisions that profoundly affect our family.  We start by LOVING one idea to see how it makes us FEEL.  Then we try on the other idea.  Once we've experienced both plans we discuss which one made us feel more authentic and tuned in to our values.

The topic of homeschooling deserves a big, serious discussion.  But before you sit down with your spouse, be prepared.

1. Do some research to support your position.  Make sure you have clear reasons why you don't support the public system of education.  Learn about all the options available to homeschooled children, such as ILC and university.
2. Talk to some people who are homeschooling so that you have a really thorough understanding of what you want to do.  Don't try to sell a romanticized version of homeschooling.  Know what you're getting yourself into.
3. Pre-empt an argument by preparing a list of pros and cons in advance.  It is good to help yourself understand what concerns your partner might have.  Add to the list as you talk together.
4. Give it lots of time.  The time to start a discussion about homeschooling is not Labour Day.
5. Investigate your options and be willing to compromise.  Perhaps part-time schooling is possible?  Or maybe your partner is willing to homeschool for just the first few years?
6. Recognize that your partner loves your child as much as you do.  You both want what is best for your child.  Your partner is not against you.

I have found through many discussions with friends and family who expressed anti-homeschooling sentiments, that just listening to their concerns and then giving them information that they didn't have (such as the fact that every university in Ontario accepts students who have not been to highschool), is enough to make them more comfortable.  Fear is often the reason why people automatically reject trying something that they are unfamiliar with.  Answering the questions behind the fears will go a long way toward getting your partner on side.

And though I may draw a firestorm of fury from some readers, I would recommend that if you believe that school will harm or is harming your child, you have a duty to your child to prevent further harm, regardless of the opinion of the other parent.  Your child has ONE CHANCE to grow up without being violated by a school system that is incapable of ensuring his or her emotional (or physical) well-being.

Homeschooling is not a panacea.  But perhaps it a part of the type of family culture that, ultimately, you and your spouse both long for.  It is worth discussing.

Goodbye, Jack Layton

I am moved today to write about why the passing of Jack Layton matters to me.

It is not just that I have voted for him and his political party 4 times in the past 10 years.

What matters to me is that he was a public figure who was SO AUTHENTIC.  I think we rarely see a 'famous' person, let alone a politician, who is so fundamentally WHOLE in himself.



Le Bon Jack



At the State Funeral today, the crowd cheered and stood when Stephen Lewis (in delivering a eulogy) referred to Jack's final letter to Canadians as "A Manifesto for Social Democracy".  It's because Jack's principles are what so many of us want:  a fair distribution of wealth, the protection of Mother Earth, equality for all.  Jack was talking about these principles 30 years ago, long before it was fashionable.

How does a person of such remarkable steadfastness and genuineness come to be?  I don't know.  But I know that Jack Layton was absolutely living his full potential.  I am not.

What is the difference?  What is it that makes some people so adept at living their full potential?  What holds some of us back?  And what is holding me back in particular?  And are we all called upon to make the world a better place?  Are we bound by a duty to humanity to live our lives in fullness, gratitude, joy and hope?

I am left with much to think about this weekend.
And I am grateful that the legacy of Jack Layton will be his inspiration to many people to take up his fight for social democracy.

In case you haven't already read it:

Jack Layton's Letter to Canadians....


Dear Friends,

Tens of thousands of Canadians have written to me in recent weeks to wish me well. I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful, inspiring and often beautiful notes, cards and gifts. Your spirit and love have lit up my home, my spirit, and my determination.

Unfortunately my treatment has not worked out as I hoped. So I am giving this letter to my partner Olivia to share with you in the circumstance in which I cannot continue.

I recommend that Hull-Aylmer MP Nycole Turmel continue her work as our interim leader until a permanent successor is elected.

I recommend the party hold a leadership vote as early as possible in the New Year, on approximately the same timelines as in 2003, so that our new leader has ample time to reconsolidate our team, renew our party and our program, and move forward towards the next election.

A few additional thoughts:

To other Canadians who are on journeys to defeat cancer and to live their lives, I say this: please don’t be discouraged that my own journey hasn’t gone as well as I had hoped. You must not lose your own hope. Treatments and therapies have never been better in the face of this disease. You have every reason to be optimistic, determined, and focused on the future. My only other advice is to cherish every moment with those you love at every stage of your journey, as I have done this summer.

To the members of my party: we’ve done remarkable things together in the past eight years. It has been a privilege to lead the New Democratic Party and I am most grateful for your confidence, your support, and the endless hours of volunteer commitment you have devoted to our cause. There will be those who will try to persuade you to give up our cause. But that cause is much bigger than any one leader. Answer them by recommitting with energy and determination to our work. Remember our proud history of social justice, universal health care, public pensions and making sure no one is left behind. Let’s continue to move forward. Let’s demonstrate in everything we do in the four years before us that we are ready to serve our beloved Canada as its next government.

To the members of our parliamentary caucus: I have been privileged to work with each and every one of you. Our caucus meetings were always the highlight of my week. It has been my role to ask a great deal from you. And now I am going to do so again. Canadians will be closely watching you in the months to come. Colleagues, I know you will make the tens of thousands of members of our party proud of you by demonstrating the same seamless teamwork and solidarity that has earned us the confidence of millions of Canadians in the recent election.

To my fellow Quebecers: On May 2nd, you made an historic decision. You decided that the way to replace Canada’s Conservative federal government with something better was by working together in partnership with progressive-minded Canadians across the country. You made the right decision then; it is still the right decision today; and it will be the right decision right through to the next election, when we will succeed, together. You have elected a superb team of New Democrats to Parliament. They are going to be doing remarkable things in the years to come to make this country better for us all.

To young Canadians: All my life I have worked to make things better. Hope and optimism have defined my political career, and I continue to be hopeful and optimistic about Canada. Young people have been a great source of inspiration for me. I have met and talked with so many of you about your dreams, your frustrations, and your ideas for change. More and more, you are engaging in politics because you want to change things for the better. Many of you have placed your trust in our party. As my time in political life draws to a close I want to share with you my belief in your power to change this country and this world. There are great challenges before you, from the overwhelming nature of climate change to the unfairness of an economy that excludes so many from our collective wealth, and the changes necessary to build a more inclusive and generous Canada. I believe in you. Your energy, your vision, your passion for justice are exactly what this country needs today. You need to be at the heart of our economy, our political life, and our plans for the present and the future.

And finally, to all Canadians: Canada is a great country, one of the hopes of the world. We can be a better one – a country of greater equality, justice, and opportunity. We can build a prosperous economy and a society that shares its benefits more fairly. We can look after our seniors. We can offer better futures for our children. We can do our part to save the world’s environment. We can restore our good name in the world. We can do all of these things because we finally have a party system at the national level where there are real choices; where your vote matters; where working for change can actually bring about change. In the months and years to come, New Democrats will put a compelling new alternative to you. My colleagues in our party are an impressive, committed team. Give them a careful hearing; consider the alternatives; and consider that we can be a better, fairer, more equal country by working together. Don’t let them tell you it can’t be done.

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

All my very best,

Jack Layton



6 Reasons I Never Wanted to be the Mother of a Boy

Did you read my guest post at TouchstoneZ ?

I wrote with honesty and anguish about how disappointed I was when I found out that my 4th babe was a boy. I wrote a follow-up post, too.  It's about the ridiculous things people have said to me about the sex of my children.

I'm not done with this topic yet.  It really matters to me.  I'm still completely appalled at how determined our culture is to make me raise a boyish-boy son and to make me want to value his contribution to my family more than my daughters'.  And it's not that I still feel disappointed that I had a son.  I adore my little Julian.  He is absolutely as wonderful as my daughters were at his age.  But he isn't MORE wonderful just for being male. 

Here's why I didn't want a son:
1.  I mostly don't like any of the little boys I know.

Why do the little boys in my neighbourhood stand on their front lawns and pretend to shoot guns at my daughters and I as we walk by?  Why do I always see brothers beating up and tormenting their younger siblings?  Why does every little boy who talks to my daughters have to turn every little interaction into a competition?  Why do all the little boys at playgroup and La Leche League try to destroy and/or hoard all of the communal toys?

And why are all of their parents oblivious to these behaviours?

You see, if these behaviours are just normal boy behaviours, then I don't want a boy because I don't want any child of mine to act like that.  Why would I have wanted a boy if I had to expect all these aggressive and anti-social behaviours from him?  And if these aren't just normal boy behaviours, then why don't the parents of these boys that I've described do something to help their boys learn nicer behaviours? 

2.  I can't stand all the stereotypes about boys.

If all the aggressive behaviours of boys that I've described above are TRUE, then I genuinely don't know how to be the mother of a boy because I CAN'T STAND those behaviours.  BUT, if boys are actually socialized to behave aggressively (which I believe that they are, but that's another post all together), then I should be able to prevent those behaviours by 'socializing' my son in the same manner as I am 'socializing' my daughters.  Right?

Well, maybe.  Unfortunately, people are constantly ready to throw ancient gender-stereotypes at my children.  They tell me that my daughters are CUTE, but my son is BIG and STRONG.  My daughter who wants to do everything herself is STUBBORN, but my son is INDEPENDENT.  They tell me that my daughters will spoil my son but that my son will protect his sisters.  Excuse me?

And why do people insist that my curious, happy one-year-old boy is 'such a boy' because he gets into the cupboards or because he insists on playing on the stairs at every opportunity?  My daughters did those things at the same age--so were they 'being boys'? 

Babies are babies.  A boy is just a girl who's a boy.

I refuse to believe that there are 'boy behaviours' and 'girl behaviours' in children who are too young to understand sex or gender difference.

3.  I hate the way that everyone wanted me to have a boy.
Just a few of the stupid comments I've heard:

• Still trying for a boy, eh?  (while pregnant)
• This one better be a boy!  (while pregnant)
• You better get the order right this time. (while pregnant)
• Daddy must be happy this time.
• Finally Daddy gets his little boy.
• So your husband finally got the recipe right!
• You got your boy!
• Well that took long enough!
• You can finally call it quits, eh?
• I guess you're done now, right?

Hi, people?  I had a 4th child because I wanted a 4th child.  I was never, never, never trying for a boy.


4.  I don't trust men so I don't know how to raise a boy into a man.
Throughout my twenties I seemed to gravitate toward men who were first-class liars.  Not just liar-liar-pants-on-fire-liars (No, I didn't sleep with my ex-girlfriend after I deliberately ran into her at the gym), but the kind of liars who would lie about what they had for breakfast.  Chronic liars.  Guys who couldn't open their mouths without lying.  Guys for whom lying was synonymous with breathing.

Add to that that I have two brothers, neither of whom has spoken to me in 7 years nor even acknowledged that I have children.  They seem to have a world view which includes requiring me to live by their values even if they don't do what they think I should be doing.

And then top it off with having a father who was emotionally unavailable for most of my life.  He didn't have my back when I was growing up, he didn't stand up for me, never validated or empowered me, never recognized my obvious talents.  I've forgiven him and I have a very good relationship with him now and I've figured out that his weaknesses are no worse than mine.

Still, I have serious baggage where men are concerned.  There is no man in my life who I would consider to be an ideal role model for my son.

5.  Mothers are always blamed for whatever their sons do that deviates from what is considered 'normal'.

If a boy is shy or sensitive, it's because the mother babied him too much.  If a boy is aggressive and bully-ish, it's because the mother didn't give him proper boundaries.  If a boy is not athletic and coordinated it's because the mother didn't give him enough opportunities and encouragement.  If a boy is lazy it's because the mother did everything for him.  If a boy is attention-seeking it's because his mother didn't give him enough attention.  I could go on and on....

I don't believe any of those ridiculous statements--but I've heard every one of them as an elementary school teacher. 

The way I see it, I'm going to have enough guilt about my parenting skills without leaving myself open for society to blame me too.

6.  I think it's harder to be a man in modern culture than it is to be a woman.

This could be an entire post in itself.

Why is it that girls who become astronauts and engineers are celebrated, but boys who become daycare workers or dental assistants get the raised eyebrow?  Have you ever noticed that people still use the expression Male Nurse?

I've observed that men are expected to be both macho and sensitive, but I find those two attributes to be mutually exclusive.  By contrast, I find that women are expected to be both sexy and intelligent, two attributes that I don't find to be mutually exclusive.  Men face pressures that women don't.  I'm sure there are many who would disagree with me about this point in particular.  I'm just saying that for ME, being a woman in 2011 seems a whole lot easier than being a man.


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After re-reading this post, I feel compelled to reiterate that I absolutely love my son Julian and I really believe that he is the perfect addition to our family.

But I'm still not done with this topic.

TOMORROW:  Gender Fluidity, The Genderless Baby and How I Intend to Raise my Son



Totally gratuitous picture of Julian (13 months), learning to walk while on the beach at Lac Morency in The Laurentians



Wealth, Privilege and Abundance

We spent the last 2 weeks at my father's home in Waterloo, Ontario while he took his motorcycle to Newfoundland.  (Yes, Newfoundland is an island and his trip involved a ferry.)  We had an absolutely fantastic time in Waterloo:  we took care of my father's enormous vegetable garden, we went to the African Lion Safari near Cambridge, we swam nearly everyday, we spent lots of time with my mother (she lives nearby) and Jasmine developed an affinity for feeding the local ducks and chasing the local rabbits.

I've never been away from our home for 2 weeks with 4 kids before, so I wasn't sure how much STUFF to bring.  Each daughter (ages 7, 5.5 and 3.5yrs) packed one small basket of toys and 7 days worth of outfits.  I packed 7 outfits for myself and about 12 outfits for Julian (12 months) since he tends to be a little messy.  I intended to have to do laundry only once.

Well, wouldn't you know it, that by the 5th day we were all out of clothes!  Apparently my mommy brain had forgotten that there would likely be incidents involving sand, water, mud, ducks, mustard, blueberries and...yes, poop...that would require frequent clothing changes.  In fact, by the middle of the second week I was wearing some of my clothes for the third time.  As I was searching for a matching outfit and gathering up the laundry, a startling thought went through my mind:

This must be what it's like to be POOR.
You know--having to wear the same clothes more than once in a week.

Then another startling thought went through my mind:

I don't have the faintest idea what it is like to be POOR.
It's like I had a little imp on each shoulder screaming in my ears.

But serious, I DON'T have even the tiniest idea of what it is like to live poor every day.  That I would even consider that lack of clothing choices was somehow akin to living in poverty is actually proof of the life of privilege that I have experienced for....well, for 37 years.  I have always lived in abundance.  I have never wanted anything that has been out of my reach.  Much of what I take for granted has come to me because of my place of privilege and not because of my own effort or even luck.

I've been confronted several times recently with evidence of privilege and I am trying to figure out what it means.  I found an interesting piece online that uses a metaphor of a dog and a gecko to explain privilege.  It is interesting and well worth the read.

I don't know what to say about being privileged except to say that I am becoming aware of what it means in my life.  It is more than just the obvious:  I am white.  I have university degrees.  I have never gone 24 hours without food.

Here are some more specific examples:

• I am privileged because when I am with my children in public no one doubts that they belong to me.
• I am privileged because I have the option of not working for money.
• I am privileged because I speak English.
• I am privileged because I can write and speak about homeschooling, extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping without 'The Authorities' showing up at my door.
• I am privileged because when I ask a stranger for help, that person helps, smiles and makes eye contact rather than avoiding me.

So I don't really have anything else at this moment to say about this topic, other than that I am becoming more aware of who I am and who I want to be and that there are some things about myself that I cannot change. 

I can become more aware.

Just. This.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." --e. e. cummings

(via Wendy Priesnitz at http://www.lifelearningmagazine.com/)

A Week of Secrets: #3

Psssssssssst....I'll tell you a secret.

OK, it's not really a secret that I'm trying to keep, but lots of people don't know it.

Partner-Guy and I are not married.

We just can't be bothered.  It's not important to us. 

But what's a little funny to us is how important it is to other people that WE should want to be married. 

This is a real conversation between a neighbourhood-mommy and myself.  She was talking about her husband's job and I mentioned something about Partner-Guy.

Then this:

HER:  How long have you been married? 

ME:  We're not married. We've been together about 7 years.

HER:  So what do you celebrate?

ME:  Silence.

The confused look on my face was enough to indicate that I had no idea what she was talking about, so she elaborated.

HER:  For an anniversary. Do you celebrate your first date? or your first kiss?

The only response I could come up with was, "No. We're not into that."

HER:  Don't you want to celebrate your relationship?

ME:  We celebrate our family every day. 

HER:  But don't you want to have something that is just for the two of you?

ME:  No.

DUH. So apparently her whole concept of being married is that she gets to celebrate an anniversary? Yeah, that's important.  Maybe she was just making conversation.  Either way, it shows a real lack of understanding of the diversity of successful relationships in modern culture.

Partner-Guy and I consider ourselves to be sharing a sophisticated arrangement. We started out on a 3-to-5-year contract with the option to renew for a second 3-to-5-year contract at any time.  The contract was a verbal agreement not to look for other relationships.  At 7 years, we consider ourselves to be free to stay together for as long as we want.  And not a moment longer.

It's an unmarriage.
No marriage equals no expectations. No expectations equals no disappointments. No disappointments equals a very happy, stable relationship.

Since many of the married people I know are at least semi-miserable, I think our arrangement is working out pretty well. And Partner-Guy and I agree that if our children someday ask us to get married (and if they're old enough to think that it would really make a difference to them) then we will, without question.  We aren't anti-marriage.  We just prefer to live in an unmarriage.

The mother of one of Partner-Guy's friends recently told him "You have a beautiful family.  So why don't you make it right by marrying Patti?"  It's funny that people think we are doing it wrong.  Another friend asked, "Don't you want to say the words I promise?"  Aaaah, let me think on that.  No.  Promises can be broken.  Broken promises lead to disappointment.  No promises, no disappointments.

I'm quite fascinated by WHY people choose to get married.  I suspect that most people have reasons that are a lot bigger than having something to celebrate. 

So that's my third secret.  Any comments?

Homeschooling as the Next Step on the Continuum of Attachment Parenting

This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Homeschooling.  Please check out the other participants.

Recently someone was sharing with me how natural and 'easy' attachment parenting has been for her as she mothers her 4-month-old baby.  I smiled and agreed that Yes, it does make the parent's life so much easier to flow with the baby's needs.  But inside I was thinking And until what age do you intend to continue to attachment parent your child?

A bit obnoxious on my part?  Maybe.

But experience has shown me that even the most well-intentioned parents have a hard time committing to real attachment parenting after the baby-stage is over. My own experiences from 7+ years of being a mother (and I am by NO MEANS an expert) and my observations of mothers at La Leche League have taught me that the theories and practices that comprise the standard definition of 'attachment parenting' are much harder to keep in place as the baby becomes a toddler and a pre-schooler. In fact, one of the reasons why I resigned as a La Leche League leader was because I observed that many of the leaders (whose children were young like mine) were becoming more and more mainstream in their parenting practices as their children grew out of baby-hood.

When I was a new mother I thought I had a handle on the definition of attachment parenting. I had read the book by US paediatrician William Sears in which he set out a list of guidelines to describe attachment parenting. Generally speaking, his guidelines include:

Gentle birth
Breastfeeding on demand and child-led weaning
Babywearing
Bed-sharing
Immediate response to crying
Minimal separation of mother and baby

I followed these guidelines to a 'T' with Anna. In fact, there was no other way to care for Anna, as she cried whenever I put her down, she slept for no more than 45 minutes in the day before waking to nurse, and she would not stay with her dad for more than a few seconds if I left the room. I came to believe that attachment parenting meant having the child physically ON the mother, since even at 2 years old, Anna refused to be away from me for even a few minutes.

My understanding of attachment parenting began to change bit by bit when I started to ponder and research homeschooling. It was around Anna's 2nd birthday that I first began to think about homeschooling after a friend I had met at La Leche League told me that her husband was opposed to sending their daughter to school. I contacted the only person I knew at that time who was homeschooling, and she sent me the links to a variety of websites that she had found useful when she began homeschooling. I read through them, but nothing seemed to 'click' with me. Eventually, I ran across the term 'unschooling' and that eventually led me to the term 'authentic parenting'.

What I learned was that although I was following all the 'attachment parenting guidelines', I was doing it only for superficial reasons: I believed that by doing the things that Dr. Sears recommended (and La Leche League, also) I was a better mother than the cry-it-out, pro-daycare, pro-timeout crowd. Really, I had completely missed the point. I had been using a strategy but I had not fully committed to the essence of attachment which is the relationship.

I discovered unschooling through the website of Jan Hunt. It contains a wealth of articles by Hunt and others on parenting, health, learning and relationships. Jan Hunt's book is called The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart. She renames attachment parenting 'empathic parenting' and she describes it thus:

We understand that all children are doing the very best they can at every given moment.

We trust that though children may be small in size, they deserve to have their needs taken seriously.

We know that it is unrealistic to expect a child to behave perfectly at all times.

We recognize that "bad behaviour" is the child's attempt to communicate an important need in the best way she can.

We learn to look beneath a child's outward behaviour to understand what he is thinking and feeling.

We see that in a very beautiful way, our child teaches us what love is.

When reading through this list of 'guidelines' it is easy to see how they apply to children of any age. Unlike the list of guidelines from Dr. Sears, these principles focus on a way of being in a relationship with a child. Jan Hunt says in her book that people either 'get it' about children, or they don't. It is only recently that I have begun to 'get it'. Trusting and respecting the emotions and actions of children all the time is a completely new way of thinking for me. It involves letting go of my pre-conceived ideas and making myself vulnerable to the needs of my children. Hunt offers me a challenge as opposed to the Dr. Sears list which offered only a strategy.

Authentic Parenting is described and taught by Naomi Aldort in her book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. In the introduction she says

You will learn to nurture [your child] without shaping, like a gardener who waters flowers, but doesn't help them open nor choose their shapes or colors....

In this book you will learn to let go of your armour and let love flow through you with no strings attached.

If we want our future as humanity to look different than how it looks now, we need to allow our children to create it out of who they are and not out of who we want them to be.

Parenting is a path of maturation and growth if we dare to learn more and teach less. When you have the courage to stop defending the way you are, or the way your parents raised you, you can open up to the possibility that you are much greater and more magnificent and capable than you thought you were. (excepts from pages xv, xvi and xvii)

Reading these words was a lightbulb-moment for me. It made sense. It explained what was missing from my strategy for attachment parenting. It opened my mind and my heart to what was wrong with me instead of focusing on what I perceived to be wrong with my child. It gave me the courage to change.

Once I began to focus more on my relationship with my children, and less on trying to achieve a particular result with them, I was finally able to take a deep breathe and relax into my mothering role. It was no longer a persona and I began to experience more joy and freedom. By the time Jasmine joined our family I had fully made the switch in my mind from attachment parenting as a strategy to attachment parenting as a relationship. In fact, I felt that Jasmine's birth was like a renewal for my relationships with Anna and Holly. I felt like I was getting a fresh start, and as I looked for and met Jasmine's needs I learned to look for and meet Anna and Holly's needs in the same authentic way.

And this is why I am skeptical about people who embrace the principals of attachment parenting with their infants but who have a vision of the future with their children that includes pre-school or daycare or sleep-training or punishments or rewards or public school or schedules or any activities that require an otherwise dependent child to become prematurely independent.

Quite frankly, it's not easy to offer trust and respect to children all day, everyday, especially when they are no longer tiny and helpless. A daughter who refuses to help clean up her dolls or another daughter who screams at her father for serving her food with the wrong sauce do not necessarily inspire consistent kindness and patience, trust and respect. It's hard.

But it's worth it.

Focusing on the relationship instead of the behaviour removes the aspect of blame and maintains the equilibrium within the family. Attachment parenting is not a set of strategies. It is a way of life. It is a way of living with children. It is a way of loving that maximizes joy and freedom.

I'm learning. And I'm trying to share my experiences with anyone who wants to learn too.

Authentic Gratitude

I have a guest post at Code Name: Mama today.  It's about recognizing your child's authentic expression of gratitude rather demanding "manners".

It's a lesson I've had to learn.

Visit me over there, will you?

Talking to The Organic Sister: Part 3

Either Blogger or Feedburner has been randomly sending out some of my old posts.  I am not trying to be a self-promoting megalomaniac (at least, not this time) and I apologize for filling your inbox inadvertently.  Hopefully the problem is now fixed.
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I've had a 3rd phone call with Tara from The Organic Sister.  She's my life coach and I couldn't be more pleased with her help and direction.

This turned out to be a particularly difficult phone call--not because of the subject matter but because I was unable to fully focus on what Tara was saying because both Julian and Jasmine were demanding my attention.  Usually I have been able to keep them occupied in the bath with their dad during my conversations with Tara, but this time Jasmine was feeling sick and needed her mommy and Julian followed her lead.  I cut the conversation short but at least Tara was able to give me some things to think about.

I've been working through her e-book "Digging Deep" (you can check my side bar for an affiliate link to purchase it).  I wanted to talk about some of my negative core beliefs and what is the story behind them.  One of the core beliefs I hold is that I am alone because I have chosen a parenting path that is apart from the mainstream.

Tara challenged me to examine why I think I am alone.  She pointed out that there are lots of parents who have embraced unschooling and natural parenting so the truth is not that I am alone, but only that I am living in isolation from other parents who share my values and that it has been my choice to do so.  Tara suggested that there was probably a deeper core belief behind the victim statement I am alone.

She was right.

As I continued to dig deeper I ran into other negative core beliefs that were propping up my belief that I was alone.

I am unlovable.
I always do the wrong thing.
Life is supposed to be hard for me.

The e-book has a whole chapter on how to reframe negative core beliefs and how to create positive affirmations.  This has helped me a lot.

I am unlovable becomes I am able to accept many different expressions of love from different people.


I always do the wrong thing becomes I know how to choose Freedom and Joy in my relationships and in my work.
Life is supposed to be hard for me becomes I live authentically for myself.

Tara also challenged me to really LISTEN to my children and my partner as they express their needs, to stop filtering their needs through my own negative core beliefs and to give myself more freely to them.  What suddenly awakened in me with this challenge was the awareness that I had been treating my family in ways that I did not feel on the inside.  For example, Partner-Guy phoned me from work one day this week and I was genuinely thrilled to hear from him (since he hardly ever calls me) but instead of listening to him and reflecting my pleasure at how he had thought of me, I was grumpy and complaining.  Why would I do that?  What was holding me back from responding to him with the Joy and Affection that I was feeling?

In the e-book Tara suggests practicing Positive Affirmations verbally, visually, audibly and emotionally.  I have been repeating my affirmations to myself at night in bed also aloud throughout the day whenever a situation demanding my patience or attention arises.  I am learning how to take care of myself and make sure my own needs are met.  I am practicing loving my children more wholly.  I am listening without judgement.  I am re-evaluating my perceptions and interpretations of events.
 
I am digging deep.  And I am liking what I am finding.
 
How about you?  Are you ready to Dig Deep?

Are you Ready to Dig Deep?

Have you visited The Organic Sister yet?  Here's what she's saying this week:



The Magic of Digging Deep


There are times in your life when things come to you and through you. These are the times when you’re heart and soul gets poured into something and you not only create what you believe in, but are created and healed at the same time.

This is magic. This is when the dots are connected and it’s all beyond words and it makes sense anyway.

This is Life. It’s when the mess is beautiful and our hearts are cracked open and we just get it, whatever “it” there is to get.

This is what Digging Deep is for me.

It’s my heart and soul, the foundation to build Truth on, my creation and my healing, my message to the world…that you’re not broken, you’re not bad, you’re not helpless in your circumstance.

You are powerful. You are amazing. You have capabilities no one else has and a purpose no one else can fulfill.

And it’s time for you to understand what is getting in your way.

The Digging Deep Toolbox

Digging Deep is a life-long toolbox to help you uncover blocks, overcome fears and move through your challenges to create a self-designed life of passion, autonomy and authenticity.
You can use it as your catalyst for personal growth, your inspiration for healing or your toolbox for awareness and empowerment. Because you have something beautiful to create in this world and some things aren’t serving you one bit.

Here’s what you can expect to find in the Digging Deep toolbox.

A 151 page e-book full of discovery, recognition, dismantling & rebuilding

16 worksheets to help you DIG into this deep soul-work

1 gorgeous assignment + Double Dog Dare to plant your seeds of growth

The tools to move through your blocks and create something amazing

As an added BONUS to the beautiful and diverse learners out there…



Full audio of the entire e-book and every worksheet! You can read, listen, write or talk according to how you learn and process best.





Are You Ready to DIG In?

I want you to know more. Because there is so much more to know.



I want you to know who this toolbox is for, what others are saying and what the process looks like.



I want, more than anything, for this process to be a magical one, full of healing and discovery and incredible growth.



If you’re ready to DIG in, click this link .


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This post comes from Tara Wagner at The Organic Sister and does not contain any original content from me.  Ownership is retained by Tara.

On Advocating for Children and Compassionate Parenting

It's all about LEARNING this week.  For me, anyway. 

I am really seeking a way out of the confusion I feel about wanting to advocate for compassionate parenting in spite of my utter aversion to mainstream parents and kids.

I've been talking to The Organic Sister about it (Tara is my Life Coach).
I've been reading about adout advocacy on other mother-blogs.  (And do visit Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment.  She's Canadian!)
I've been re-reading the books that challenged me to get authentic in the first place:  Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort and Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.
I've been thinking about my prior involvement with La Leche League and my reasons for wanting to get back into being a Leader.

And then I found this on the Mothering website:

...your intolerance is typical in the early phases of learning. As you become more rooted in yourself, it would be easier to be at peace with the way other parents are and be nurturing rather than judgmental. You already recognize their innocence. Now it is time for you to realize your own innocence in judging them in your mind. In the moment your mind judges them, you are doing to them (in your mind) the same thing they do to their children (innocently.) Eventually, you will learn to use your parenting skills in relating to these well intentioned parents.

Peace comes when you live only your own life, and work on your own inner peace with however the world is. You may still choose to stay away from certain families for your child’s sake, but with no ill feelings.

The more open your loving heart is and the more you use your parenting skills in relating to other parents, the more they are likely to want what you have to offer and learn. Most, however, won’t follow your path; just like children, they follow their own.

These are the words of Naomi Aldort who has already been such an important mentor in my life.  And this advice goes exactly with I talked to Tara about last week.

Such wonder!  It's all coming together and I feel like great things are about to happen.

Talking with The Organic Sister: Part 2

I did another phone session with Tara this week.  I definitely think of her as a Life Coach, more than a Parenting Coach.  She's even changed her website to reflect that she is available to help women achieve their goals and overcome obstacles that are preventing us from being our best selves.  Check her out.


Gratuitous photo of Julian and Holly.


This week I needed to talk to Tara about advocating for peaceful parenting.  I talked about how hard it is for me to hear parents talk about letting their babies cry themselves to sleep (CIO) or mothers who brag about going on vacation to 'get a break' from their little nursing babies.  Even at the playground I can't escape parents shaming their children.  It breaks my heart and I'm to the point where I either can't be around mainstream parents for any reason OR I have to be constantly advocating for children and for gentle parenting.  I needed to delve into why this is such a big deal to me....why I can't just let it go.

There are two reasons why this topic was on my mind.  First, I am thinking about getting back into being a La Leche League Leader but I can't do it if I am going to be emotionally distraught every time a mother talks about her parenting practices that are anything but gentle or peaceful.  And because La Leche League has a policy about how leaders are supposed to dispense information on controversial subjects, I am a little nervous about whether or not the organization is still a good fit for me.

The second reason that I needed to talk about finding my authentic response to mainstream parents is because of what happened to me last week when I posted a contribution to the Carnival of Natural Parenting about how I contacted a person who had been out of my life for a while and asked him to stop making his baby cry himself to sleep.  Boy, did I ever get slammed in the COMMENTS by people who lambasted me for telling someone my opinion on his parenting practices even though I did not have a personal connection to him.  Even many of the more positive comments were from people who said that they would never have done what I did.  But there were so many negative, angry comments that I couldn't publish them all.  So enough with the anger, already, people. 

So I posed the question to Tara:  When I am overwhelmed with sadness because of the way other people treat their precious children, how do stay authentic without getting up on my soapbox?

Tara challenged me to dig deep and identify my core beliefs about parents and children.  She asked me to identify my judgements and to put my judgements into the context of my history.  She helped me to go outside of myself and look for the positive in the situation and to look for another perspective.

She explained that I can't fight reality.  What is, IS.  I can't change anything except my own reaction.  I have to accept the moment.

The next step would be to find my new role once I have accepted that I can't change anything.  Tara challenged me to find a new possibility--find all the possibilities--and release my negative emotions.  Instead of reacting with "I have to fix this", I have to react with "What can I offer?".

One comment in particular really stayed with me and I've been contemplating it all week.  Tara suggested that I think about Dr. Martin Luther King and his style of activism.  He held rallies to inspire people who already shared his vision.  He inspired them to continue to stand up for their beliefs and eventually laws were changed and his dreams were legislated.  What he DIDN'T do was to make individual connections with people who didn't share his dream.  He wasn't trying to turn racists into non-racists.

Thinking about MKL has challenged me to think about what kind of activist I want to be.  If I feel a burden to advocate for children, how do I actually want to do that?  And how emotionally involved do I want to be?  How much can I even handle?

Lots to think about...

It was a great talk with Tara this week and I have a feeling that we are not done with this topic.