Authentic at 7 Years Old

My daughter Anna is a home-body. She doesn't ask to attend activities, visit friends or even to go to the playground. Every week I ask her if she'd like to go with her dad to the grocery store or swimming or to visit Granny and every week she refuses.  In the winter, she won't even go outside to play. Although she spent all last winter talking about wanting to learn how to skate, she went to the arena just once, in spite of it being offered to her twice a week..

Sometimes I let myself get really stressed about her refusal to leave the house. I sometimes believe that either there is something wrong with her or wrong with the way I am relating to her or wrong with me. I pressure her to go out and do things: grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, swimming, skating, whatever. She refuses and I get angry.

I have had to really spend some time reflecting on what was going wrong with my attitude.  How can a 7-year-old spend so much time at home?  Shouldn't she be doing activities? 

But Anna does not like new things. She does not like equipment (eg. skates). She does not like meeting new people and she especially does not respond favourably to a total stranger who is trying to teach her something. She likes to stay home. She likes her grandparents and her cousins. She likes the playground behind our neighbourhood school and she likes the convenience store behind our house. She tolerates the Science Centre and the Zoo. New places, people and activities are not a priority for her. It's not just that she's cautious in her approach to something new. She rejects even the idea of trying something new that I suggest. Not into it. At all.

When my children were infants I was confident enough in my mothering that I didn't care how many hours other babies slept at night or how much weight they were gaining or how early they walked. I didn't compare them to other people's babies.  So probably, I shouldn't compare my 7-year-old to other people's 7-year-olds.

I need to accept that it's not just that my child is normal just the way she is, she is actually better than normal because she is living her life authentically. She is just the way she is and it makes her perfectly happy. I could pressure her to try new activities, but then she would be doing it to please me, rather than being authentic. She knows what she can handle, and I have to trust her to tell me when she's ready to try something different.

As I trust her in her authenticity, maybe I'll be able to fully discover my authentic self, too.

What I Did Wednesday

I brought my friend Julie over to take some FABULOUS pictures of my kids.


Julian, age 13.5 months




Anna, age 7 years




Jasmine, age 3.5 years



The Sisters



Holly, age 5.5 years



Summer Milestones

We spent the middle two weeks of July at my father's home in Waterloo, Ontario while he travelled to the province of Newfoundland.  What great adventures we had in Waterloo!  No one wanted to come home and the girls wished that Opa would stay away for another week.

African Lion Safari and Julian's Milestone

My mother took us all on safari!  The weather was fabulous and we stayed all day.

Anna (7 yrs), Holly (5.5 yrs) and Jasmine (3.5yrs) with their favourite animals.

Julian hits a milestone:  his first pony ride!

Julian was quite dapper in his safari shirt!

 Jazzy's Milestone

Jasmine (3.5 yrs) is phenomenally coordinated.  Not only is she an excellent swimmer, but this kid can handle a bicycle like a pro!  We'll be taking off the training wheels by the end of the summer, I imagine.

She can turn corners and go up and down curbs with no difficulty.

 Anna's Milestone

Anna (7 yrs) REALLY wanted to come down the big slide at the public pool we visited, but first she had to pass a swimming test.  Well, she's NEVER participated in any type of assessment before, and I was so nervous for her!  But she passed the test NO PROBLEM (half front crawl, half doggy-paddle).  And she loved the slide!

After she came down the slide, she swam to the edge of the pool so fast that we all laughed and asked her if she thought an alligator was chasing her!

Holly's Milestone
Poor Holly.  She felt pretty left out when we all were so excited for Anna's accomplishment.  But, lucky for her, she had just achieved the required weight to move from a 5-point harness in the car to a booster seat.  YAY HOLLY!  (But sorry, kid.  I didn't take a picture.)

Non-Violent Communication with a 7-Year-Old Picky Eater

My daughter Anna is a very picky eater and she is not shy about complaining about food that she does not like.  I usually try to have an assortment of foods for our evening meal in the hope that everyone will find something to fill their bellies.  But in a family with 4 kids who all prefer different foods, someone is usually disappointed.  Tonight's supper was not to Anna's liking AT ALL.  (And just so you know, the choices tonight were:  homemade vegetarian tomato sauce, wheat pasta, rice pasta, raw vegetables with dip, chickpea-jalepeno patties, stir-fried vegetables with ginger-soy sauce.)

Usually when Anna complains about food I get really annoyed.  I frequently ignore her complaining and offer her a piece of toast because I just can't always find the emotional connection that I need in order to listen to her.  I have to really work to keep my mouth shut because sometimes I want to say "OK.  Just be hungry.  No food for you."

But I've been re-reading Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication and I knew that this would be a perfect opportunity to work through the suggested steps of listening and validating.

First, we listen with the goal of discovering the other person's observations, feelings, needs and requests.  Then we respond by offering our observations, feelings, needs and requests.

My conversation with Anna went like this:
(I will identify which parts of NVC I have used.)

LISTENING
ANNA:  Mom!  I hate this supper.  I can't eat anything tonight.
ME:  You don't like what I made for supper tonight. (observation)
ANNA:  You never make anything I like!
ME:  You wish I had made one of your favourite suppers. (observation)
ANNA:  I won't eat any of this.
ME:  You wish I made something else for you. (observation)
ANNA:  You know what I like.  Why do you make food I won't eat?
ME:  You feel sad when you see that I made food that you don't like. (feelings)
ANNA:  I can't eat anything!  (Starting to cry.)
ME:  You feel special when I make the foods that you like and you feel frustrated when I make food that I know aren't your favourites. (her feelings)
ANNA:  (still crying)  You never make my favourites.
ME:  You need me to make sure that there are always foods for supper that you want to eat. (her needs)
ANNA:  When can we have curry again?
ME:  Well, I don't have any of those ingredients but when we buy groceries this weekend I will make sure that we buy all the right things.  Would you like curry on Sunday night for supper? (her request)
ANNA:  Yes.  When is Sunday?
ME:  In three days.
ANNA:  You never buy the parmesan cheese that I like for spaghetti.
ME:  The parmesan cheese that Daddy bought last time was full of preservatives and other artificial ingredients that I don't want you to eat.  We aren't going to buy it anymore.
ANNA:  But I like it.
ME:  I know that you like it. (my observations) It's my responsibility to take care of your body by giving you healthy food to eat, and I wouldn't be fulfilling my responsibility if I gave you things to eat that are full of chemicals.  I wouldn't give you shampoo to eat and I won't give you that parmesan cheese either. (my needs)
ANNA:  (sniff)
ME:  When I make a healthy supper for my family I feel happy that I am giving food to the people that I love that will make them healthy and smart and strong. (my feelings) Even though you don't like this supper, when I made it for you my heart was full of love because I knew that it was healthy for you.  I like cooking and I like making lots of different foods for everyone in our family to enjoy.  Will you be able to find something on the table that you would like to eat?  (my request) If not, I would be happy to make you a piece of toast.
ANNA:  I'll try.
ME:  Thankyou Anna.  And I will be happy to make you some curry on Sunday.

And guess what?  She ate two helpings of wheat pasta with tomato sauce and she used hot sauce instead of parmesan cheese "to make it taste better".  Yay!  This mama ain't complaining!

But the real success in this use of Non-Violent Communication is not that Anna ended up eating the supper that I made.  The real success is that she knows that I really listened to her concerns and I know that she really listened to mine.  Both of us had our needs met and felt validated and understood.

Taking the time for these types of conversations is what Authentic Parenting is all about.  It is about maintaining the connection and developing the relationship.  It is about recognizing that our needs are equally authentic and important.

Non-Violent Communication ensures that the parent is The Leader and not The Boss.

Feeding Your Baby without Buying Baby Food

WARNING:  This post contains graphic description of infant bowel movements.  Reader beware.

Julian is 10 months old this week and we haven't purchased a single jar or box of baby-associated food. 

We saw my family doctor when Julian was 6 months old and she gave me the standard lecture about how breastmilk is not enough for him and his body needs iron.  I told her that I wouldn't be feeding him any iron-enriched cereals so she said that he had to eat meat.  No problem.

After my experience with feeding my oldest daughter Heinz rice cereal fortified with iron, I knew that I would NEVER feed that crap to a child again.  My doctor had INSISTED that Anna eat it beginning at 6 months and as a new mother, I listened to her.  Anna hated it so I watered it down and tried to pour it into her mouth.  She swallowed some of it. 

Anna at 10 months old.

By the next day I realized that it had been 24 hours since she had pooped (she had been exclusively breastfed up to that point and always pooped twice a day).  Because I still had the doctor's lecture ringing in my ears I gave Anna more cereal the next morning.  Another 24 hours went by without a bowel movement.  The next day I didn't feed her the rice cereal.  She nursed and nursed and became more and more irritable.  On the fourth day after I had first fed her the cereal I was nursing her in the morning and I could tell by her body language that she was trying to poop.  Suddenly she held her breathe, pushed, and then screamed.  I whipped off her diaper and I could see that she was trying to push out a hard lump the size of a pingpong ball.  She was screaming and crying and shaking her entire little body in an effort to get it out. 

She cried for an hour and as I held her I was crying and shaking too.  I was so ANGRY that I had done something to my baby that hurt her so much.  I phoned my local La Leche League leader, got some good advice and never fed Anna (or any future baby) rice cereal again.

Anna was over a year old before she became very interested in food.  I would try to feed her pureed foods such as sweet potatoes and banana.  I was pretty mainstream about food back then, inspite of rejecting the rice cereal, so I gave her Arrowroot cookies to mash up, although I would NEVER give those to a baby now.  She continued to nurse 12-20 times per day until she started to walk at 14 months and I think the added activity made her more hungry and she started to eat a lot of fresh fruit.  She also got her molars at around the same time which likely helped her to chew and enjoy a greater variety of foods.

I've learned how to follow my baby's cues better and better with each baby.  Julian ate purees for only a few weeks and by 8 months I was giving him foods on his tray that he could pick up and eat successfully--cooked carrots and potatoes, small pieces of banana, even chunks of soft apple and pear that he could suck on and gnaw off little pieces and swallow.  At 10 months old he has 7 teeth and he very good at using them.  He especially loves to bite off pieces of watermelon if I hold it up for him.

He eats a lot of meat;  I used to grind it in a baby-food grinder but now I just mash it with a fork and let him pick it up.  I can tell by his poops that his food is fully digested and I am pleased to say that he has never been constipated on his diet of fruits, vegetables and meat.  I rarely offer him baked foods, although he has chewed on the occasional crust of homemade bread.  Cow's milk and eggs are not in his diet yet, but I doubt that he will have the same food intolerances as Jasmine.  We eat very little in the way of dairy products, so I doubt that it will ever become a significant part of his diet.

He's a healthy happy baby, that's for sure!

Julian with the baby-food grinder at 9 months.

Do you avoid commercial baby food? 

The Sleep Challenge

I'm out on a new limb here. It's part of parenting authentically but it's scaring me a little.

No bedtimes. For anyone.

I call myself a co-sleeper, but sleeping next too my nursing baby and laying down with my 6 1/2 year old until she falls asleep are two scenarios at completely different ends of the co-sleeping spectrum. Until this week I had been combining these two activities in order to make my life a little easier. That means that I was laying down to nurse the baby to sleep and all the children would go to sleep at the same time. Sometimes I had to stay in the room for an hour or more until everyone was asleep. I didn't mind because I figured there was a pay-off: an hour or two of time in the evening with all the children asleep.

But for the last month Anna has been complaining every night that she's not tired at bedtime. Some nights she would lay down, complain that she wasn't tired, and then be sound asleep in 5 minutes. But other nights she would lay there awake for an hour or more and I would be ready to get up (to do my own thing for a while) but I would stay and stay and stay until she fell asleep. I started to feel bad for me and bad for her and I knew that I needed a new solution.

Yes, it's been pretty nice to be able to put all my kids to bed at the same time every night. I keep a strict policy that no one at my house should ever have to cry themselves to sleep (well, I've cried myself to sleep a few times, but not at this house...). The baby nurses for 20-30 minutes while I sing to Jasmine. Anna and Holly typically sing or talk to themselves or their stuffed animals for a while before falling asleep. And I rarely leave the room until everyone is asleep. I've enjoyed my evenings spent at the computer or watching TV or reading or talking on the phone. Sometimes I even give Partner-Guy a little attention.

So it took me a month of listening to Anna complain for me to be willing to look for a solution. There were a few problems I had to figure out. First, if she stayed up later, then Holly and Jasmine would almost certainly want to stay up later too. Second, when Anna was ready to go to bed she would want me to lay down with her and I couldn't picture giving up 'my time' in the evenings to lay down twice. Third, she would likely start wanting to stay up until I went to bed and then she would end up too tired and miserable the next day. Fourth, my private time with Partner-Guy is already pretty limited and letting her impose on his quiet evening might create problems between he and I.

But the thing about Authentic Parenting is that parents have to trust and respect kids. I didn't feel good about controlling Anna by making her go to bed at a certain time just to accommodate me. And my list of problems is really just a list of my own fears. So I decided to face my fears, let her stay up and just see what would happen.

So the first few nights Jasmine and Holly wanted to stay up too. As it turned out, Julian was fussing around and he stayed up a little later too. By the time Julian was ready for bed, Jasmine was ready to go to bed too. Holly was afraid she would miss the opportunity to lay down with me, so she came to bed at a reasonable time too. I was relieved that Holly and Jasmine were able to listen to the cues of their own bodies telling them that it was time to sleep.

But Anna is really committed to doing things her own way. She knows when she is feeling tired but, as I kind of predicted, she wants to stay up until I go to bed. So far I am finding the patience to let her do as she pleases. I have told her that I need the evenings to do the things that I enjoy and that I can't do during the day when all 4 kids need my attention. She will figure out whether she wants to stay up or go to bed by herself (with her sleeping sisters, of course) or go to bed earlier when the others are going to bed. I am willing to let her figure this out for herself and hopefully she will sort it out in the next couple of weeks.

I admit that it's hard for me to let go of bedtimes. Ultimately, bedtimes are a mainstream idea which mainstream parents use to control their children in order to fulfil their own belief that they deserve time to themselves. It's getting rid of the children under the guise of 'they need their sleep.' And I agree that children need adequate sleep for all the same reasons that mainstream parents would list. But maybe it's OK for children to get their sleep on their own terms? So just like I don't make Julian take a nap just because I think he must be getting tired, maybe I shouldn't make Anna go to bed just because I think she must be getting tired. And I have a big advantage over mainstream parents--my children don't have to get out of bed and race off to school every morning. If we go to bed later at night we simply sleep later in the morning. Now that's freedom and joy, isn't it?

Parenting is not meant to be done in a way that is convenient for the parents but shows no regard for the needs of the children. I am learning this. And I admit that it is hard for me to let go of this aspect of control. I have a lot of fears and letting any of them go is a challenge. I have had to carefully consider the topic of sleep now that my children are not babies anymore. Putting a 6-year-old to bed against her will is no different than putting a baby down to cry himself to sleep in that both are done to serve the parent's agenda and not for the good of the child. I must not be a hypocrite in this regard.

I am grateful to Anna for teaching me this lesson.

Anna is Learning How to Read

Anna turned 6 at the end of April, and I should make it very clear that she is not reading. But she is definitely learning how to read, and since I am not teaching her (and neither is anyone else) I have the unique opportunity to observe how a bright, curious child learns to read without outside influence, overt coercion or adult interference.

To begin, Anna has been able to print her name and Holly's and recognize them in print since she was 3 years old. She can recognize them spelled either 'Anna' or 'ANNA', 'Holly' or 'HOLLY', although she typically prints using all upper case letters. She also consistently recognizes the words Jasmine, Mommy, Daddy, Earl, STOP, Barbie, Maya and love. She sometimes recognizes 'and' and 'the'.

When we are reading together (I read aloud to the children for 1-2 hours everyday) she has begun to ask me to point to the names of the characters. After I point to the words a few times, on subsequent pages she recognizes them by herself, and as I say that word she will point to it on the page and ask "Are you here?" She also always asks me to point to words that I have emphasized or read with added expression, and she is particularly interested in words that are onomatopoeia, such as tweet, bang, whack, thump, ding-dong, etc. And she always notices words that are spelled all in upper case and wants to know why they are written that way.

We are currently reading On the Banks of Plum Creek, the 4th book in the 'Little House' series by Laura Ingalls Wilder. It is our second reading of this novel, having already read the 1st, 2nd, 4th and 5th books during the winter. Each chapter begins with a single word in larger font in upper case letters, which Anna is very interested in. She asks me to tell her the word before I begin to read the chapter and then she says each letter and points to them. Now that we are at Chapter 10 (out of about 30) she recognizes the words Ma, Pa, Mary, Laura and Carrie and if I use my finger to follow the words as I read aloud, when I pause she can read the familiar word at my finger tip.

I've also noticed that Anna has figured out that spaces separate words, not syllables. This is significant, since she used to mimic reading by using her finger and pointing to a new word for every syllable. She also knows that words always go from left to right across the page, and that we read from the top to the bottom before starting a new page and she has observed that each chapter begins on a new page.

Another interesting thing I've observed about Anna is that about a year ago she was very interested in printing words on pictures or cards or crafts that she had completed. She would frequently ask me to 'tell her the letters' or I would write them for her and she would copy them onto her paper. Lately though, she rarely prints any words (although she draws and colours for at least 2 hours every day and her fine motor skills are extraordinary). This indicates to me that her brain is really focused on reading at this time. So although reading and writing are considered to be two sides of the same coin, they are not necessarily learned naturally at the same time.

I am finding this process to be fascinating. I answer all her questions and I don't teach or try to push her beyond where she is in the many steps towards learning to read. I have embraced the philosophy that children who are raised in a literate culture will learn to read and write, much as children who are raised in an ambulant culture will learn how to walk. But this is the first concrete evidence I have seen that it is entirely appropriate to trust children to learn. I feel entirely affirmed by my observations of Anna's developing literacy, and I will continue to document her progress.

Colossal Ignorance

Good thing I've never claimed to be a perfect parent.

We went to the Toronto Zoo yesterday, a trip we've taken at least 50 times before. Since the weather yesterday was slightly cool and overcast, we went late in the afternoon and anticipated staying until the Zoo closed at 7:30pm.

The girls wanted to hit the waterpark first, so in spite of the cold water and the less-than-hot weather, we splashed around there for an hour or so. When they were sufficiently cold and hungry we got everybody dressed and then ate a picnic of cold chicken, still-hot baked potatoes, boiled eggs, cashews, dried apricots and cucumbers.

As soon as we left the waterpark area, Anna spotted a popsicle cart. She had already asked before we left home if she could get a popsicle at the zoo and I had reluctantly agreed. But when she wanted to get one she was still blue and shivering from being in the water, and she was full from eating a big meal. So I suggested that she wait and that we would get popsicles before we went home.

As it turned out, all of the staff at the popsicle carts left their posts at 6:30pm, and we were unable to buy one before we left. Anna lost her mind with grief. It was as if all the joy in the universe was sucked out of the atmosophere and replaced with indescribable suffering. I mean really. There has never been such carrying on over a popsicle, I'm sure, anywhere, ever.

So we left.

Holly had wanted to ride the Zoomobile and visit the orangutans, but there was no way that we could do anything with Anna who was imploding, exploding and ready to self-destruct. She tried to negotiate that we would go to the Zootique and look for some candy to replace the popsicle, but I was less than keen on that idea. I know her. A visit to the store for a lollypop would turn into another meltdown over wanting to buy a stuffed animal or a book or a puzzle or any other stupid little toy that she would be convinced would bring joy back to the universe.

But I was angry so we left.

To be perfectly honest, I already had my back up before we even got to the Zoo because she was completely focused on getting a popsicle. The minute we arrived at the Zoo she started looking for popsicle carts and planning which one she wanted. I kept thinking "We have popsicles at home, Anna. What's the big deal? Do we really have to drive all the way to Zoo for a popsicle?" I felt as though the only reason she had wanted to go to the Zoo was for the popsicle, and I felt like there was something wrong with that. Then I got really mad that we had to leave the Zoo before Holly got to do the things she wanted to do. And there was no way I was going to pacify Anna with candy. Like, I'm not that kind of mother.

So what kind of mother am I? Apparently I'm the kind of mother who randomly makes rules about when her children can and cannot eat sugar. I hate it that my kids eat sugar at all. In fact, just about the only thing that Partner-Guy and I 'fight' about is whether or not to let the kids eat candy. He thinks that since he enjoyed it as a kid, he doesn't want to deprive his kids of it. I think that since it makes them hyper, not sleep and gives them cavities, that we are too smart to keep feeding it to them. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that I hate that my kids eat candy. I actually have a choking and sick feeling when I see them eating it.

So what would an Authentic Parent do? I don't know.

Am I trying to change Anna by expecting her to want to go to the Zoo without the expectation of getting a popsicle or candy? Are my candy rules arbitrary? Who am I fighting with really: the kids or Partner-Guy? Is there any solution besides refusing to allow them to eat ANY candy or sugary junk of any kind, including homemade cookies and cake? What about when they are out with Partner-Guy and he buys them candy? Won't that just encourage them to be sneaky and deceitful because they know they can get it from him but not from me?

I'm really stumped by this. I have been trying to solve this problem for the last 4 years, and I am no further ahead.

Of all the disagreements I expected to have with my kids as they grew up, I really didn't expect to spend this much time dealing with and thinking about candy. Piercings, parties and pregnancy, yes, but not candy. Sigh.

Reflections on Anna's Birthday

It's hard to believe my oldest daughter is 5 years old today. Everyone always says how fast kids grow up, but I think that only a mother can really understand how it feels to see a baby turn into a walking, talking young person. A woman-in-the-making. A future-mother.

Anna is a happy and joyful girl. She is a wonderful big sister to Holly and Jasmine and she is very responsible. She is eager to please her parents, and she is very good at following instructions, cleaning up and being helpful. Anna loves to be praised, and I worry a little that I have made her into a praise-junkie. But better to have 'too much' praise than to never acknowledge what a wonderful girl she is.

Anna is fairly cautious. She does not like to be in groups of people, and she would rather be in a group of adults than in a group of kids her own age. She is easily intimidated by kids who are loud, assertive and domineering. But she is no shrinking violet! She states her preferences and is not bullied. She is learning to accept that in public places like playgrounds other kids have the right to whatever they are doing, as long as they are not putting her in danger. She totally understands how to take turns and that sometimes she has to wait to get her own way. (These are skills she practices with Holly every day, of course.)

Anna still is very much a home-body. She is not interested in doing activities that require her to interact with an instructor and a bunch of other kids. She likes going to the playground and to other places as a family (such as the Zoo and the Museum). There is just no way that we could have sent her to Junior Kindergarten this year; it would have changed her into a different kid. I can just imagine the endless crying, and then the sullen acceptance, and then the distance and anger because of having totally lost any control in her life. What a nightmare. She is the exact opposite of a kid who would do well in the school system. It would destroy her.

Anna is very perceptive and a little bit conniving. One time while I was putting ponytails in her hair she changed her mind and wanted a barrette. I started to argue with her and then I said, "You're right Anna. It's your body. You can do whatever you want with it." Now she uses the line "It's my body. Why can't I do whatever I want with it?" when I ask her to stay out of the mud, or not to draw with marker all over her arms or to stop picking her fingernails. Sigh. At least she's not old enough to come home with a tattoo or a piercing. Not that those are things I would freak out about.

I'm a little worried about how much Anna loves her stuff. She is really into accumulating more and more and more. I've started to talk to her about how much better it is to do than it is to have, and she is starting to understand me. I recognized that it is not her fault that she has a lot of toys and books and dolls and other paraphernalia--it is the fault of her parents who buy it for her. One of the few arguments that Partner-Guy and I have about the parenting of our children is that he is always the one to say 'yes' whenever Anna asks for something. And he always seems to err on the side of 'more is better'. I understand that it makes him feel good to give things to the kids, and as he always says "It's only money" but I hate how materialistic Anna is already, and I hate how much work it is for me to have to take care of all her stuff!! I think if her dad had to spend all day picking up, sorting, putting away, finding, fixing and putting together her enormous collection of stuff, he might have a better understanding of why I want to put an end to the endless buying.

I am often faced with acknowledging that Anna will never be a baby again. So obvious, yet so hard for me to really accept and understand. My first baby will never again be my baby. I will never again comfort or nourish her at my breast, my baby who taught me about breastfeeding. I will never again scoop her up in my arms, or carry her in a sling, or walk around the house with her sleepy head on my shoulder. These are delights-of-time that end far to quickly.

Remembering those moments with Anna makes me cherish my moments with Jasmine even more, because she, too, is growing up so fast. For me, each new baby gives me the chance to re-baby all of my previous babies. Loving Jasmine is a way of re-loving Anna and Holly when they were each her age. And my next baby, not yet even come to life, will let me re-love and re-baby again. My mistakes with each baby are erased when I get it right with the next baby.

"Happy Birthday, Anna. Your authenticity is an inspiration to me. I admire and cherish your honesty, your experiences, your goals, your courage and your compassion. May you always have the strength to honour your joyful spirit, to engage only in what is worthwhile, and to

give and receive love without reservation. I am already so proud of you. Watching you grow for 5 years has taught me more about love, trust and honesty than any other experience of my life. I am delighted to be your mother for the duration."

Too Much Praise

We spent the weekend at Hockley Valley Ski Resort, about an hour northwest of Toronto. We had a special deal arranged through the Teachers' Union, or we would never have been able to afford such a luxurious little vacation.

We got a little lost on the way there, which turned out to be a little bit of extra fun. As we drove through the rolling hills of Caledon, Holly and Jasmine slept while Anna sang along to a CD of silly songs. It was perfect--she sang "She'll be Comin' 'round the Mountain when She Comes" while we drove around long bends in the road and up and down the slopes and valleys.

There is something about hills and forests that seems to feed my soul. I loved looking out the window at the scenery, and I dreamt of what our lives could be like if we purchased a house and a couple of acres out there. I am longing for a big clothesline and a big garden and a big front porch and maybe an orchard and a pond. I want my kids to be able to ride their bikes all over our property and I want to grow some of our own food and I want a few chickens and ~~gulp!~~ a dog!! I have such a romanticized notion of a simple-life-in-the-country. The hard-work part of it doesn't make me want it less. It makes me want to share the experience with my children, to give them the gift of learning about a different kind of life. I mean, there will always be Toronto.

On our first day at the hotel we swam twice and had a tractor-and-wagon ride and checked out the ski slopes and skiers and went to a bonfire. The next morning we took the kids to the ski shop and rented equipment for them. Since I had Jasmine asleep in the carrier, I was not much use at pulling Anna and Holly 15 feet up the Teddy Bear Slope and helping them slide down, so Partner-Guy took them up in turns. Anna had been eager to try, but after coming down twice while clinging to her dad like a nearly drowned cat, she had had enough.

By contrast, the more times Holly came down, the more she enjoyed it. I managed to pull her up the hill a little way and then I stood on the back of her skis and told her to bend her knees and put her arms out straight. She did and I stepped away and suddenly she was skiing down the hill all by herself. Amazing. After another 20-or-so trips back up and down the hill she started to complain that her ski boots were too tight and we were done.

Partner-Guy and I were delighted by Holly's tenacity and determination and courage and SPUNK!! We praised her and hugged her and felt all proud of her. And then we each immediately felt drawn to praise Anna, in spite of her total lack of enthusiasm for the sport. Yet even as I was saying "Anna, you did such a great job of TRYING" it felt empty and patronizing. I thought back to an article I had read last week by Naomi Aldort, a parenting expert whose theories and practices always make sense to me. In an article called Getting Out of the Way, she says:

At first, I thought that commenting, acknowledging, and praising children
for their achievements expresses love and builds self-esteem. In time, I realized
that these well-intended interventions do just the opposite: they foster
dependency on external validation and undermine the children's trust in
themselves. Children who are subjected to endless commentary, acknowledgment,
and praise eventually learn to do things not for their own sake, but to please
others. Gratifying others soon becomes their primary motivation, replacing
impulses stemming from the authentic self and leading to its loss.

So I knew I shouldn't be giving her false praise but I wasn't sure what to say. I asked her "So what do you think of skiing?" And she, being smarter than me, spoke the truth. "It's not really my thing." No kidding. So I said, "Right. It's not my thing either. But I might learn someday. Do you want to try again with me someday?" And her perfect response, "I want to go swimming now."

In my haste to not hurt Anna's feelings by focusing on Holly, I had ignored Anna's feelings altogether. She didn't care about skiing. At all. Holly liked it, and that was OK with Anna, and now she wanted to go swimming. In fact, it didn't bother her at all that we were proud of Holly and she instinctively knew that we can love her and Holly at the same time and that they don't have to be the same or do the same in order for us to love them. What a great kid. Again, I am humbled by her innate sense of self. Her total authenticity fills me with a deep respect for her and an even deeper resolve to do better and be better for her. For Holly. For Jasmine. For Partner-Guy. For myself.