In Which a Child is Assaulted and the School Does Nothing

Trigger Warning:  Contains sexual content


Recently, a colleague from my days as a teacher shared the following story:

A class of Grade 3 students was assembling on the carpet of the library.  An 8-year-old boy walked in front of a girl in the class who was seated.  He faced her, bent his knees and began to pump his pelvis in front of her face.  Other children pointed and laughed.  Then he bopped her on the head with his hand and sing-songed, "Ha ha, you got tea-bagged!"  Children continued to laugh as the boy skipped away and the little girl began to cry.  She wiped her eyes and sucked back the tears as the librarian called the class to attention and began the lesson.

Are you as horrified as I am by this event?


Let's be perfectly clear:  That little girl was sexually assaulted.


Hopefully she went home and told her parents exactly what happened.  It doesn't matter if she understood what the boy was acting out--she knows that she was uncomfortable and humiliated and that she was treated with aggression.  Hopefully her parents raised some hell at the school, at the very least demanding that the boy be moved to another class.

But from what I heard, nothing happened.  The boy was not punished nor even spoken to about his actions.  His parents were not phoned.  The little girl's parents were not phoned.  The incident was ignored and school life continued.

Friends, this is normal every day stuff in the life of a child attending school.  And yet every time someone criticizes my family for choosing a different path of education, they invariably start with the argument that my children need to learn how to "cope in the world" and "how will they ever be socialized?"

If that had been my daughter who was sexually assaulted on school property while a teacher did nothing, I would have immediately pulled my daughter out of school, contacted the director of education and phoned the media.  Somebody would have to answer for why school personnel are unwilling or unable to prevent and stop an act of sexual aggression.

It literally makes me feel sick to my stomach when I hear parents who really believe that events like this are no big deal and that the little girl will get over it.  If I were sitting at a library and some guy came up and started grinding his pelvis into my face, would we all decide that it was no big deal and I should get over it? Do children not deserve to be free from assault and aggression, regardless of the age and maturity of the perpetrator?

Parents:  Protect your Children.  You are not teaching them anything positive when you believe that they must go through bad experiences as they grow up.  What a horrible way to view life and to teach your child to view life!  I want my children to grow up with the belief that the world is a kind and wonderful place, where life is full of abundance and richness and where the spreading of joy results in more joy coming their way.

It's funny how it makes some people uncomfortable that I think that offering my children experiences of joy and freedom and abundance is good for them.  It's too bad so many people are so committed to their lives of scarcity and misery and frustration that they want the same experience for their children.

No thank you.

Can You LOVE WHAT IS at Christmas?

Welcome to the December Mindful Mama Carnival: Staying Mindful During the Holiday Season
This post was written for inclusion in the Mindful Mama Carnival hosted by Becoming Crunchy and TouchstoneZ. This month our participants have shared how they stay mindful during the holiday season. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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There is just one phrase that keeps me grounded, centred and mindful during the holiday season:

Love What Is.


There are so many things about Christmas that could bring me down, but I choose to see my circumstances as a welcome opportunity for joy and freedom.


Would Christmas be better if my parents were not separated?  I don't know, but it might be easier in the sense that it would involve just one visit instead of two.  But I choose to Love What Is:  if my parents had not separated 3 years ago, I would not likely have initiated a more positive, connected relationship with either of them.  


Would Christmas be better if I had a relationship with my two brothers?  Sure.  And I'd love to meet my nephew who is just a few months older than Julian.  But I choose to Love What Is:  because of their anger towards me I have had the opportunity to look deep into my own heart, find forgiveness, and learn to love myself.  


Would Christmas be better if one of my daughters didn't have such a competitive attitude towards her sisters when it comes to receiving gifts?  Well, I'd likely enjoy shopping more if I didn't have her criticisms and critiques running through my head!  But I choose to Love What Is:  she is SO GENEROUS with her gifts for her sisters and I appreciate that she values quality over quantity.  


Would Christmas be better if my Partner-Guy's family was more easily able to accommodate the needs of my young family?  It would be busier, anyway!  But I choose to Love What Is:  the relatives are able to celebrate as much as they want without my little ones under foot and my children are able to enjoy their new toys and other acquisitions without having to relocate.


You see, I have spent many, many years dreading Christmas.  I used to feel my stress rise at Labour Day as I held my breathe until Thanksgiving, and then as soon as that was over my blood pressure would climb until Christmas was finally over.  I dreaded all the forced pleasantries and fake gratitude.  I hated pretending that I came from a perfect family when it was so apparent that we were all hurting and broken.  I felt sick about putting my authenticity aside to be a people-pleaser.  And I felt even sicker about making my children put their needs on hold to placate other people.


So now we do the holiday season with only one intent:  to maximize Freedom and Joy for the six of us and to Love What Is.  That which can't be changed, we accept.  That which brings us Joy, we seek.  That which creates greater Freedom for us and others, we choose.


In the true spirit of Love and Peace at Christmas, I choose to show Love and Peace to myself, my Partner-Guy and my children.  

Jasmine, Holly and Anna (Christmas 2009)

Can you let go of what you don't have at Christmas and Love What Is?
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Visit The Mindful Mama Homepage to find out how you can participate in the next Mindful Mama Carnival!
On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy #MindMaCar hastag. You can also subscribe to the Mindful Mama Twitter List and Mindful Mama Participant Feed.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Enjoying Busy Times Moment by Moment Amy at Peace 4 Parents offers a handful of simple pointers to make the most of any busy season in your life.
• Staying A Mindful Mama During The Holiday Season Terri at Eco-Crazy Mom shares her thoughts on being a mindful mama, while keeping your sanity throughout the holiday season..
• Holiday Parenting: The Gift of Natural Play Moorea at MamaLady shares her holiday plan for mindfully spending time with children in her extended family.
• The ABC's of Mindful Parenting Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama provides a comprehensive list of Mindful Parenting Resultions for 2012. In addition, she briefly reviews her mindful parenting journey for this past year.
• The 123's of Mindful Parenting Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares part 3 of her Mindful Parenting series (Link will be live tomorrow, Dec 14).
• Mindful Mama Guest Post from Hybrid Rasta Mama Zoie at TouchstoneZ is honored to share Part 2 of Jennifer's series on staying Mindful for the Holidays.
• Saying No to Plastic Toys Nada at minimomist and her husband Michael, have certain rules when it comes to toys for their daughter Naomi. Here's how they deal with well-meaning gifts that don't quite work for their family.
• Can you LOVE WHAT IS at Christmas? With so many expectations and so many people's needs to accomodate, Patti at Jazzy Mama has decided to simply accept what can't be changed and love whatever happens.
• Minimal Temptation, Minimal Gifting Adrienne at Mommying My Way shares how not exposing herself to tempting purchases, as well as having fun family traditions, helps keep her Christmas list under control.
• Choice And Consequence In Conscious Mindfulness Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares her realisation that consciously monitoring our thoughts have a powerful effect on our lives, regardless of circumstances or influences.
• Nature-Inspired Christmas Tree Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling describes how she and her children discovered the beauty and simplicity of a nature-inspired holiday tree.
• Giving The Gift of Life Free Range Mama at My Healthy Green Family shares about teaching children how to look beyond the well-wrapped box and learn how to give. .
• Can a collection of moments be more than the whole? Tat at Mum in search asks how do you turn a holiday from hell into a series of beautiful moments?
• Flying Through the Holidays Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction discusses how a simple organizational plan has kept her holidays balanced.
• Celebrating Advent week to week Lauren at Hobo Mama finds that counting down weeks instead of days helps children with the long wait.
• 5 Ways to Stay Mindful This Holiday Season Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares ideas and photos that help her stay mindful throughout the holidays.
• Simplifying the Holidays Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children shares how simplifying the holidays has made them more special for her.
• Mindfully Managing the Mania Erica at ChildOrganics fights against "the gimmes" and shares strategies for staying balanced during a time of year when it's easy to overindulge.
• Six Ways to Enjoy the Holidays Without Losing Your Mindfulness Rachael at The Variegated Life shares tips on thinking less, planning less, doing less, and remembering.
• The Gift of Presence Darcel at The Mahogany Way explains how important it is to be present for and with her family during the Holidays.
• Mindfully meditating on celebrations Terri at Child of the Nature Isle desires meaningful celebrations for the whole year.
• What Does It Really Mean? Staying Mindful Through the Holiday Season Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about how she stays in touch with what the holiday season means for her and her family, in spite of all the temptations to do otherwise!

Christmas: A Time to Remember

How do you remember someone you didn't know?
How do you miss a person you never had a relationship with?

I have been pondering these two questions for the past few years as I've tried to resolve and understand the  death of my 4-year-old sister when I was just 4 1/2 months old.

My family has rarely spoken about Julia, her life or her death.  I have never known much about her yet I've always felt an emptiness in my heart because of her absence from my life.  In the past year, I began to talk to my mother about her and I began to think more deeply about my own beliefs about life and death.  I began to develop a deeper understanding of my mother and I adopted a new attitude towards the Purpose of Life.

Last summer my mother, her sister and I visited the cemetery where my sister Julia is buried.  My mother told the entire story of the day my sister died, the following days and the funeral.  Most of the details were things I had never heard before.  My aunt was also a valuable source of information, filling in her own perspective as both a mother and a sister.  I wept for 3 solid hours.

Before we left, I read a letter to my sister:

Dear Julie,
I came here today with our mother and our aunt to honour you, your life and your memory.  You have always had a big presence in my life.
In the past year I have taken several steps to honour you:

• I have put framed pictures of you in my home.

• I have started to talk about you as one of my siblings.

• I have started to say that I come from a family of 5 children and to regard our mother as a mother of 5.

• Not insignificantly, I have named my son Julian so that a member of our family will always be linked to your memory.

I much to thank you for, so I offer you these thoughts of gratitude:
While our mother grieved for you she was nonetheless able to be tuned in to her true mothering instinct while she cared for me.  I was breastfed past my 3rd birthday and I slept in her bed until our brother Ben was born.  Because of the extraordinary love and protection that our mother was able to give me as a baby and toddler, I have a deep well of love from which to draw on my own mothering instinct.  The abundance of love that she gave to me has multiplied into my love for my children.
I also thank you because your memory reminds me to never take my children for granted, to be grateful for every moment, to give my love freely and to celebrate their authenticity.
And third, I thank  you for giving me a reason to deeply contemplate the purpose of my life, what is death and the meaning of love.
Finally, I came here to tell you that I LOVE YOU.  Through much pain I have learned that once created, love lasts forever.  I give my love to you today as your sister because we don't have to be together to share the deep connection of being sisters.

Then I left a picture of my 4 children on her headstone.

Christmas always seems like an appropriate time to honour and remember those we love who are no longer with us.  While death may create a permanent absence, perhaps by reconnecting to the love we shared with our dear ones we can enjoy bringing honour and meaning to their lives.  

I'll be lighting a candle throughout the holidays in honour of my sister Julia, and I will a take a few moments here and there to connect to the love I feel for her and to the bond of sisterhood.  I will draw my children closer and I will commit more fully to creating Peace and Joy for others to share.  I will rid my heart of darkness and I will offer up Light and Love within my home and community.

Will you be honouring anyone this Christmas by reconnecting to the love you shared?

The Money Series: His and Mine

My post last week for the Carnival of Natural Parenting sparked some interesting comments from my friends and followers.  Here's one:

Lauren @ Hobo Mama said...
I've often heard that money tension is what causes most marital discord, and I can definitely see why. I think it's interesting that you and your partner choose to keep your money separate; I don't hear that solution very often and would love to hear more about it. I also totally agree with prioritizing what you want or need.

Partner-Guy and I keep our money separate for one simple reason:  because we always have.

I had my first job at the age of 13 and I have been responsible for my own finances ever since.  I simply can't imagine not having my own money to spend at my own discretion.  Similarly, Partner-Guy was 45 years old when we first moved in together and our first daughter was born and he was not keen to give over his paycheque to a single shared bank account.

But the reason it really works for us to keep our money separate from each other is because our money comes from totally different sources.  He has a job for which he is generously compensated.  I get my money from the government.

The Canadian government provides money directly to mothers.  I receive $100/month for each child under the age of 6 years.  This is the Universal Child Care Supplement.  I also receive the Canada Child Tax Benefit which is determined by a complicated formula based on number and ages of children as well as family income.  I receive $368/month.  So all together I get $668/month.  Every mother in Canada is entitled to this money, relative to their family circumstances.

I use my money to pay for the cable TV, internet and phone for a total of $140/month.  I also pay $100/month for life insurance for both Partner-Guy and I.  (You might be interested to know that we have a much larger policy on me than on him for the simple reason that without me, he would quit his job and devote himself to being the emotionally-centred rock that our children would need.  On the other hand, without him, I would likely return to work. )

That leaves $420+ per month for other expenses such as clothing, gifts and entertainment/learning opportunities.  Sometimes I pay for our natural gas charges or I pay the water/garbage bill.  Often I have to pay for our trips to the naturopath.  Always, I pay for my personal indulgences at the salon.  I also have a small debt that I am working on repaying.

Partner-Guy is responsible for all of our other expenses.  His income covers the mortgage, the cars (gas, insurance, maintenance), groceries, hydro, property taxes and debt repayment.  Very little of his income is discretionary, yet he often gives me cash to take the children on little day-trips (like to an orchard or an indoor playground) and he gives me a very generous amount for Christmas and on my birthday.

That's how we do it!
How do you and your partner share financial responsibility?

Why Giving up a Career Matters

The other night Julian (15 months) woke up at 5am.  He thrashed around a little until he was fully awake and needing attention.  I tried to nurse him, I tried sitting up and rocking him, I tried rubbing his little belly in case he had gas:  nothing settled him down and after about 30 minutes he was crying.

I carried him out to the living room where he sat on my lap quietly for a while.  Then he seemed to want to lay down so we went back to the bedroom.  But he wouldn't lay down.  We repeated this little routine for the next hour.  Bedroom, living room.  Bedroom, living room.  Then we sat on the edge of the bed for a while and finally, close to 7am, he fell asleep in my arms.  Carefully, I laid him down and crept into bed beside him, desperate to fall asleep again.

And I did!  I fell asleep instantly.  (I have a lot of experience with interruptions to my sleep.)  When Julian and I simultaneously opened our eyes, it was 9:20am.  We had had a full night's sleep in spite of the 2 hour interruption.

But imagine if I had gone back to work this September when my maternity ended.  I would have had to get out of bed at 7am, just as Julian was going back to sleep.  I would have had to get my 3 daughters up and fed, then wake up Julian and get all the children out the door by 8am.  I'd have to drop off the two older children at a daycare for before and after school care, and then make a second stop for the younger children for full-day care.

I'd arrive at work already exhausted.  Since my career was as an elementary school teacher, I'd spend the day in a facility designed to turn every sniffle and cough into an epidemic.  Then I'd get to bring those germs home to my tired baby.  I'd be likely to get sick.  At least one of my children would get sick.  I'd have to work while I was sick since I'd need to save my paid sick days for when my children would be sick.  Chances are, I'd be in a state of semi-sickness all the time.

And that's not to mention the stress!  Feeling crazy-tired, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to save my best self for my children at the end of the work day.  And Partner-Guy gets stressed at his job, too.  Would I have anything left of myself to listen to him and offer support?

There's lots and lots of research available to support how important it is to small children to be home with their mothers.  And there's lots of research to tell you that it is fine to balance family and career and that your children will not suffer.

But I'm not even talking about the children here.  I'm talking about me.  If I had to go to work everyday, I'd lose my mind.  I did go back to work at a school for 4 months when I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter.  Partner-Guy stayed home with the oldest girls, but it was still really, really hard.  I had tremendous guilt for a long time when I was on maternity leave and I had to work very hard to heal the chasms I had created in my relationships with my daughters.

And I know how lucky I am.  It is only because we are coming from a place of privilege that I can even BE a stay-at-home-mom.  I know how fortunate we are to be able to live comfortably on one income.  Not all women have the luxury of choice when it comes to working or staying home with their children.

Some women can find the family/work balance.  Both my sister and Partner-Guy's sister are mothers who have full-time professional careers.  My brother's wife is able to work from home with her son by her side.  Several of my friends were able to work part-time or in temporary positions in between their babies' births.  And I know other moms who work at full-time careers and who are clearly miserable and stressed all the time.

I don't have any answers about finding the balance between being a mother and having a career.  But I know that I place less value on my career than on my health and sanity.  I'm not capable of being the kind of mom that I aspire to be AND working full-time at my career.  I only want to find my Freedom and Joy.

For me, waking up at 9:20am beside my joyful son is as good as it gets.

Tomorrow:  Why Picking the Right Guy Matters

Why Baking Bread Matters

In my first few years of motherhood, I believed that serving my family healthy foods was important.  We ate mostly home-cooked meals and we included lots of fruits and vegetables in our diets.  I baked muffins and cookies sometimes, but mostly I was content to offer my young daughters whatever they would eat.  Often this included packaged breakfast cereals, crackers, toast and pasta. 

Without a doubt, our diet was wheat-centric, a tendancy common in many North American families.  Then I started to read in various places that less is more when it comes to wheat.  (I won't leave lots of links here because you can find tones of online articles about the downside of eating wheat if you do a simple search.)  I began to phase out purchasing any breakfast cereals or crackers and we started to eat pasta only once per week.

But I stubbornly believed that bread was good.  We always purchased high-quality (by which I mean expensive) whole-grain bread from the brand Country Harvest.  One day I read the ingredient list on the bag of bread and discovered that it contained 2 additives to keep the bread soft and another additive to slow down mold growth.  I was surprised!  I thought that the more expensive the bread was, the healthier it was likely to be.  Not so.

I began baking bread about 2 years ago.  Immediately, my two older daughters were not interested in eating it.  My Partner-Guy was still buying grocery-store bread for making his lunches to take to work, and as long as that bread was in the house, my daughters refused the momemade variety.  The only way to get the additive-filled bread out of their diets was to get it out of the house.

So for approximately the past 18 months, I have been able to make all the bread that we consume.  I make whole wheat bread for toast and sandwiches, white hamburger buns and sometimes crusty Italian bread or garlic bread.  I bake bread only once or twice per week and I always freeze whatever won't be used within 48 hours of baking because it does go stale pretty fast.

As a result of baking bread, our diet is no longer nearly as wheat-dependent as it used to be.  We have conscienciously reduced our consumption of wheat and increased our consumption of legumes, fruits and vegetables.  Since the children don't enjoy the homemade bread as much as grocery-store bread, they ask for less of it.  It is also more dense and filling, so less is required.

I find the act of baking bread to be peaceful and joy-inducing:  the smell of the yeast, the elasticity of the dough, the magic as it rises to double its original size and finally the intoxicating aroma of baking bread that fills the entire house.  I never feel too tired to bake bread;  it is always something on my to-do list that I look forward to.  I look forward to running out of bread so that I can bake again.

Baking bread has made me more mindful about all of the food that I feed to my family.  I want to know where every ingredient came from and whose hands touched them before they went into my child's mouth.  I want to spend my money for food responsibly and teach my children that the people who grow our food are honourary members of our community.  I want to love my children with healthy food, not by stuffing it into them, but by providing it for them as a gift of my love.

I want them to see that preparing their food is not just another chore, but an act of love, joy and mindfulness.

Tomorrow:  Why Giving Up a Career Matters

Money, Sex and Having it All

Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting: Money Matters
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how finances affect their parenting choices. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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Money puts a lot of pressure on relationships.  They say that families are held together by love, but the truth is that money has a way of dividing people.  Whether it's lots of money or hardly any at all, a difference of opinion on how to spend it is often the beginning of family turmoil and stress.

That's why I'm so relieved to be in a relationship with a guy who pretty much thinks about money the same way I do:  not at all.   OK, that's not exactly true.  But what I mean is that we hardly ever have to talk about money.  He has his money and he pays for his share of our expenses.  I have my money and I pay for my share of our expenses (relative to his, of course, since I'm not currently earning an income from a job).  We rarely have to discuss where our money goes because we simply trust each other to take care of whatever needs to be paid for.

So for the record, I'd like to suggest that having no money issues in our relationship translates successfully into having no sex issues in our relationship.  Because do you know what a turn-off it is when you DON'T trust your partner to be responsible with money?  (I'm speaking from experience here!)

In a nutshell, here's my tongue-in-cheek advice:  Want better sex?  Straighten out your money issues.

Our children benefit from our laid back approach to money.  For one thing, we don't have much to fight about!

But seriously, the children see that we are very deliberate about how we spend our money that is left over after the basic necessities are paid for.  We model for them that spending money is about making choices.  Since the amount of money we have to spend is finite, spending it on one thing will prevent us from spending it somewhere else.

The truth is, I'm neither frugal nor cheap nor thrifty.  I know what I like to spend money on and I'm willing to forgo other purchases in order to attain the things I want.

• I spend almost $0 on my hair by using baking soda and vinegar instead of shampoo and by not using styling products.  Instead, I use my extra cash for the occasional splurge on makeup.
• We almost never get take-out food or fast food.  Instead, I pay a premium for top quality local produce and meat.
• I spend less than $500 per year on clothing for my children, relying instead on hand-me-downs.  But I always buy high-quality snowsuits and winter boots for them, since winter outdoor play depends on being warm and dry.
• Our children are not enrolled in lessons and activities that require fees.  By saving a lot of money in this area, we are able to make sure each of our children have a bike and a scooter, and we have purchased family memberships to the Zoo, the Science Center and the Pioneer Village.
• I don't spend any money on my house except for necessary repairs.  You won't find fancy decor here!  In fact, you won't find any decor! Instead, we take the children on a few little trips to hotels every year.
• We don't buy our children new toys and books on a regular basis.  Instead, we give our children money every week which they can save or spend.  However, they are expected to buy each other birthday and Christmas presents out of their own money.  So far, they have done very well to buy things for themselves and for each other.  In fact, their generosity is incredibly touching.

These are just a few examples of how we make sure that the way we spend money is in line with our values, as described in our Family Mission Statement.  We make money choices that reflect our desire to live in Freedom and Joy.  Stressing about money matters just does not fit into our family.

Our attitude toward money is much like everything else we do in our Radical Unschooling lifestyle. We are mindful about our choices, organic in our approach to teaching children about budgeting and relaxed about letting go of that which we can’t control. Our children understand that Daddy gives up his daily Freedom so that he can go to a job to get money so that the rest of our family can live in daily Freedom. They understand that Daddy uses his days of Freedom (the weekend) to enjoy the things that his money can’t buy i.e. time and activities with his family. They understand that money is never in unlimited supply and that having more money is not more important than being together.

They see in our actions that doing is more fulfilling than having.
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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon October 11 with all the carnival links.)

• Money Matter$ — Jenny at I'm a full-time mummy shares her experiences on several ways to save money as a parent.
• A different kind of life... — Mrs Green from Little Green Blog shares her utopian life and how it differs from her current one!
• Show Me The Money! — Arpita of Up, Down & Natural shares her experience of planning for parenting costs while also balancing the financial aspect of infertility treatments.
• Material v Spiritual Wealth - Living a Very Frugal Life with Kids — Amy at Peace 4 Parents shares her family's realizations about the differences between material and spiritual wealth.
• If I Had a Money Tree — Sheila at A Gift Universe lists the things she would buy for her children if money were no object.
• Financial Sacrifices, Budgets, and the Single Income Family — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at the importance of living within your means, the basics of crafting a budget, and the "real cost" of working outside of the home.
• Overcoming My Fear of All Things Financial — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares how she is currently overcoming her fear of money and trying to rectify her ignorance of all things financial.
• Confessions of a Cheapskate — Adrienne at Mommying My Way admits that her cheapskate tendencies that were present pre-motherhood only compounded post-baby.
• Money Matters — Witch Mom hates money; here's why.
• Money? What Money?! — Alicia C. at McCrenshaw's Newest Thoughts describes how decisions she's made have resulted in little income, yet a green lifestyle for her and her family.
• What matters. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life wishes parenting through play was her only responsibility during the day.
• Making Ends Meet — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter shares about being a working mom and natural parent.
• Poor People, Wealthy Ways — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses how existing on very little money allows her to set an example of how to live conscientiously and with love.
• The Green Stuff — Amyables at Toddler In Tow shares how natural parenting has bettered her budget - and her perspective on creating and mothering.
• Jemma's Money — Take a sneak peek at That Mama Gretchen's monthly budget and how Jemma fits into it.
• 5 Tips for How to Save Time and Money by Eating Healthier — Family meal prep can be expensive and time-consuming without a plan! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares five easy tips for how to make your cooking life (and budget) easier.
• Belonging in the Countryside — Lack of money led Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales towards natural parenting, but it also heeds her from realizing her dream.
• Total Disclosure and Total Reform — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl gets down to the nitty gritty of her money problems with hopes that you all can help her get her budget under control.
• Save Money by Using What You Have — Gaby at Tmuffin is only good with money because she's lazy, has trouble throwing things away, and is indecisive. Here are some money-saving tips that helped her manage to quit her job and save enough money to become a WAHM.
• Two Hippos & Ten Euros: A Lesson in Budgeting — MudpieMama shares all about how her boys managed a tight budget at a recent zoo outing.
• ABBA said it — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen ponders where her family has come from, where they are now and her hopes for her children's financial future.
• Money vs. Time — Momma Jorje writes about cutting back on junk, bills, and then ultimately on income as well ~ to gain something of greater value: Time.
• An Unexpected Cost of Parenting — Moorea at MamaLady shares how medical crises changed how she feels about planning for parenthood.
• 5 Ways This Stay at Home Mom Saves Money — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares 5 self-imposed guidelines that help her spend as little money as possible.
• Frugal Parenting — Lisa at My World Edenwild shares 8 ways she saves money and enriches her family's lives at the same time.
• Conscious Cash Conscious — Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares her 5 money-conscious considerations that balance her family’s joy with their eco-friendly ideals.
• Money, Sex and Having it All — Patti at Jazzy Mama explains how she's willing to give up one thing to get another. (And just for fun, she pretends to give advice on how to build capital in the bedroom.)
• Money could buy me ... a clone? — With no local family to help out, Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama wants childcare so she can take care of her health.
• Spending Intentionally — CatholicMommy loves to budget! Join her to learn what to buy, what not to buy, and, most importantly, where to buy.
• New lessons from an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a follow-up guest post from Sam about the latest lessons their four-year-old's learned from having an allowance.
• How to Homeschool without Spending a Fortune — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares tips and links to many resources for saving money while homeschooling from preschool through high school.
• It's Not a Baby Crisis. It's Not Even a Professional Crisis. — Why paid maternity leave, you may ask? Rachael at The Variegated Life has some answers.
• "Making" Money — Do you like to do-it-yourself? Amy at Anktangle uses her crafty skills to save her family money and live a little greener.
• Money On My Mind — Luschka at Diary of a First Child has been thinking about money and her relationship with it, specifically how it impacts on her parenting, her parenting choices, and ultimately her lifestyle.
• Spending, Saving, and Finding a Balance — Melissa at The New Mommy Files discusses the various choices she and her family have made that affect their finances, and finds it all to be worth it in the end.
• Accounting for Taste — Cassie at There's a Pickle in My Life shares their budget and talks about how they decided food is the most important item to budget for.
• Money Matters... But Not Too Much — Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting shares how her family approaches money without putting too much of a focus onto it.
• Parenting While Owning a Home Business — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Lauren at Hobo Mama lays out the pros and cons of balancing parenting with working from home.
• Crunchy Living is SO Expensive...Or Is It? — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about her biggest objection to natural living - and her surprise at what she learned.
• Mo' Money, Mo' Problems — Sarah at Parenting God's Children shares how a financial accountability partner changed her family's finances.
• The Importance of Food Planning — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro discusses how food budgeting and planning has helped her, even if she doesn't always do it.
• Kids & Money: Starting an Allowance for Preschoolers — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings discusses her family's approach and experiences with starting an allowance for preschoolers.

Why Cloth Diapers Matter

For my first two children I used Pampers.  I put absolutely no thought into diapers whatsoever.  Everybody used Pampers, so I used Pampers.  I liked the smell.

I knew that there were people who used cloth diapers.  I met some moms at La Leche League who were using cloth.  Their babies had really big butts and their toddlers looked funny when they walked.  I liked the look of my sleek, skinny babies.

I had signed up for email newsletters from Pampers when Anna was born in 2004.  Occasionally Pampers would send me coupons, too.  Anna was consistently using the toilet or a potty by 26 months old, but since Holly (born just 20 months after Anna) was still in diapers, I continued to subscribe to the newsletters and coupons.  At 18 months of age, one morning Holly yanked off her diaper and never wore one again.  She was done.  So when I received an email from Pampers saying "Anna is 40 months old!  Is she ready for pull-ups yet?" it was both a light-bulb moment and a serious kick in the ass.  Pampers didn't want my children to ever stop needing their products. 

I credit Pampers with making me switch to cloth diapers.  Before Jasmine was born (in 2008) I found a great website run by a mom in the Greater Toronto Area that sold lots of products for natural mothering.  I spent about $400 to get set up with cloth diapers and covers and liners and a diaper pail and natural laundry soap.  About six months later I spent another $250 on larger prefold diapers and covers which I used until Jasmine was diaper-free at about 22 months old.  I've estimated that I spent about $1200 on diapers for Anna and about $800 on diapers for Holly, so spending $650 on diapers for Jasmine that I have subsequently used for Julian has been a pretty good deal.  And it was more effort to find a place to stack my clean diapers than it has ever been to wash and fold them.

There are tons of articles and information on the internet about the benefits of cloth diapers.  I started at Parenting by Nature to learn about why people choose cloth over disposable for environmental or health reasons. I didn't bother trying to figure out the cost of washing my own diapers versus using a diaper service versus buying organic disposable diapers.  None of that had anything to do with the reason why I switched to cloth.

I switched to cloth diapers because I wanted to love my baby with diapers.  That's right.  Love her with diapers.  Pampers gave me a convenient, mindless way to deal with my baby's elimination.  But I am not mindless and my babies have never been convenient.  Wrapping their precious little bums in unbleached organic cotton has given me another way to love them on days when I am tired or sick or tending to the needs of a tired or sick older sibling.  I love it when I pick up the baby and I can smell that he's wet and needs changing--that subtle infant urine smell is actually so much nicer than the perfume smell of a disposable diaper.  And changing his diapers more often (which one inevitably does with cloth diapers) gives him a little more attention in a house where three other children are also needing attention.

Cloth diapers matter the way homemade meals trump takeout.  The way homemade cookies trump Oreos.  The way a walk in the forest trumps watching a movie. Cloth diapers matter because being mindful matters.  The way we mother our children matters even more than the effect of disposable diapers on the environment or on our health.

I choose cloth diapers because the choices we make matter.

Wednesday:  Why Baking Bread Matters


PHOTOS:  Julian in cloth diapers in August 2010.

"But How will they be Socialized?" {My Own Perspective on the Social Skill Development of Schooled Children}

This is my opinion.
The social atmosphere in schools is toxic, it does not reflect 'the real world' and it is hard enough to navigate as an adult, let alone as a child.


Everybody's big concern about children who are homeschooled is "How will they socialize?" My own family and friends have shown concern about whether my children have or will have friends and they ask what I am doing to provide them with opportunities to be around children their age. Before I started to study child development (which happened only after I became a mom, not while I was in Teacher's College) I too believed that children needed to be with each other to learn how to behave in socially acceptable ways.

What I now understand is that it would be impossible for a group of immature beings to help each other achieve maturity. Social skills and socially acceptable behavior are learned from people who exhibit the skills and behaviours that we want children to adopt, namely their parents or other adults who we hope our children will emulate.

Gordon Neufeld explains in his book Hold on to your Kids how 'getting along' with others does not occur because of peer contact but from the gradual development of authentic personality and from having developed both self-respect and value for the personhood of others. He also explains how children who have spent time in daycare before attending school initially seem to have an advantage over children who have not attended daycare. This is because the children who had been to daycare had been 'socialized', which is to say that they were more comfortable around large groups of children and interacting with adults whom they had never met. In other words, their shyness (which is what naturally repels children from people to whom they have no attachment) was gone. However, this so-called advantage is an illusion: Neufeld sites research that the longer a child had been in daycare, the more likely they were to exhibit defiant or aggressive behaviours, the opposite of socially acceptable behaviours.

My personal observations from 10 years as a teacher back up Neufeld's research. Sending a child into school who has never been to daycare is throwing a sheep to the lions. School is not a level playing field, whatever that means. Rather, the school system is hierarchical, and that does not just include the principal, vice principal and teachers. In every classroom there is a hierarchy, and each child finds their place. It is never the smartest child who is at the top of the hierarchy. In fact, the most intelligent children are usually treated with disdain by the other children, and as a nuisance by the teacher. It is the loudest child who gets the most attention, not the nicest child. And if a child has any attribute that makes him or her 'different', the child is ostracized completely.

So many negative social interactions occur in a day with 20-30 children, that a teacher cannot possibly assist in finding a solution or creating a balance every time a dispute or problem occurs. In fact, a teacher is more likely to settle a dispute by siding with the aggressor, in the hopes of appeasing him or her and having fewer behaviour issues to deal with, at least in the short term. The pecking order is cruel and random and it can change daily. The children are always vulnerable to the whims and moods of the teachers and to ever changing power dynamics amongst their peers. Nothing can ever be taken for granted.

The 'power' exhibited among 25 children who are all the same age has nothing to do with merit and everything to do with playing a 'social game' with rules that are constantly changing. Is this the way we want power to be gained in the adult world? And is it what is really happening? Is Obama the President because of merit or personality? Is Harper the Prime Minister because of merit or personality? For me, it's all too complicated and if I can't figure out the 'social game' (this, from a chick with virtually no friends) how can a 5-year-old figure it out? School is an ever-changing popularity contest, and if that's a reflection of the 'real world' then I definitely choose to opt out.

Does this mean that I'm not sending my kids to school because I'm afraid they won't make friends? Not at all. What I'm afraid of is that their brains will be so stressed out trying to navigate the social game that there will be very little of it left for actual learning. Besides that, nobody needs to be with people 5 days/week in order to be their friend. Most adults would say that their best friends are NOT the people they see at work everyday.

One of my friends experienced this frightening social order that I have observed in schools is several profound ways. Being significantly smarter than his peers and possessing a strong need for social justice, he was almost always rejected and ridiculed. His creativity was thwarted and his natural authenticity was put down. One time he planned a huge art project--a mural--but was told that he couldn't complete it because the school was focused on literacy at that time. Another time his personal property--a math text!!--was confiscated because it was different from the style of mathematics being taught at the time. Incredibly, he was even sent home for refusing to be in the same room with a student who had told him to f*ck off, and he was subsequently told (by a person with no authority or training to make such an assumption) that he had an anger management problem.

Now, re-read that paragraph with the new knowledge that all of those things happened to my friend while he was a teacher, not a student. If an adult can be treated with such arbitrary and contrived 'rules', imagine how difficult it must be for a child to exist authentically in the same environment? How can a child possibly learn the rules of 'socially acceptable behaviour' when they change every day? Or when the adults who are supposed to be modelling them for the children do not apply them to their relationships with each other?

For me, raising authentic children is my highest goal, which really means that I must act as a guardian of their authentic selves. In school, their authenticity would have no value, and would certainly not be protected. They would be expected by their peers and teachers to conform to a pre-existing standard, a standard that probably doesn't have anything to do with the values of our family.
 
That's not what I want for them. 

Criticism of Our Homeschooling Family

When we decided to follow our hearts into a mode of parenting that is less common and not at all mainstream, we knew there would be some criticism. People are naturally skeptical about new ideas and theories that haven't been proven by years and years of practice. Think of Copernicus and Galileo. And some people are naturally defensive; they act as if our choice to do things differently is a direct threat to them. We don't tend to care what they do, yet they want to explain their way as if they are trying to convert us.

And of course there are some people who genuinely care about Partner-Guy and I and the kids and their criticism or skepticism is usually thinly veiled as a question. These people are usually family, and we respect that they care about us and only want what is best for our children. We excuse them for not knowing the same things about child development as we do. We know that they engage in relationships with children from a different perspective and set of priorities from what we do. And most of the time we are not offended by their skepticism.

Socialization
For example, I was asked by a relative if our children have any friends and are they given lots of opportunities to 'socialize'. In his book Hold onto Your Kids: Why Parents need to Matter more than Peers, Dr. Gordon Neufeld calls the modern preoccupation with playdates and childhood friendships "courting the enemy". Yes, my kids have opportunities to be around other children. Mostly, they have no interest in other kids. They are each other's best friends and we don't fill our lives trying to find an assortment of children for them to ignore. Social skills begin at home and are learned by modelling the behaviour of people who already have social skills, not by spending endless unsupervised hours with other immature people.

Formal Lessons
Another relative asked when we were going to begin teaching formal lessons. I wonder if the definition of "formal lessons" is to force children to learn something that they are not interested in just because I think it is important. What I do is to expose them to new ideas and subject areas and let them pursue whatever they are interested in. The school system is obsessed with 'early literacy', yet without a single 'formal lesson' both Anna and Holly are learning how to read and both of them can spell many words from memory. They can rhyme extensively and they make oral lists of words with the same initial consonant sound. Who needs a formal lesson? When they want to learn something special, like how to play the piano for example, we'll get them lessons if they ask for them. Formal lessons are not out of the question, they just aren't a requirement.

Boredom

On another occasion we were asked if our children are bored being stuck in our little bungalow all day. Hmmmm. The children aren't chained to the table legs! They play indoors and outdoors. We go somewhere almost everyday :  the Zoo, the Science Center, an indoor or outdoor playground, a museum, a pool. We visit people. Sometimes we go to a movie. We visit the Valley and the beach as often as the kids suggest it. We walk around the block every night after supper and look at gardens and trees and lawns and talk to our neighbours and play with their pets. No, the children are not bored.

Social Skills
One relative asked if we were going to teach the children how to act. I guess that person was concerned that we don't seem to be teaching our children how to get along with adults, particularly adults who they don't actually know. We tend to believe that it is the role of the adult to accommodate the maturity level of the child. Our children don't conform to many of the usual expectations for children, and we don't make them. We try to model good behaviour for them, but we let them live authentically and we don't force them to do things that they aren't comfortable with. And we don't shame them or punish them when they don't comform to the expectations of other adults. They don't hug anyone outside of their immediate family. They don't act 'charming' to make adults feel good. They rarely answer when asked assorted random inane questions that adults ask (like, How do like your little brother?). We respect them. And we hope that we are modelling respect in our relationships with other adults so that they can learn about how different relationships require give-and-take in order to function smoothly.

But by far the most unexpected question we've been asked has us completely perplexed.
We were asked if we had joined a cult.

Wow. I guess there are aspects of 'cultishness' in our lives. We keep mostly to ourselves. We reject the methods of the majority. We try to find other like-minded people (although not very successfully). We read extensively about what we believe in, so when we talk about our family we use expressions that other people may not be familiar with. We procreate like rabbits. (Not sure if that's cultish or not, but the cults I've seen on TV tend to have a LOT of children running around!)

So I'm not sure if that comment has me feeling offended or amused. When I consider the source, I am inclined to be amused. I don't expect everyone to understand our choices or why we are choosing a path less travelled. I don't expect people to share our goals or to have insight into our relationships. But to think that our lifestyle reflects that of a cult? Now that's a good laugh.

And so we continue on this journey of life learning and non-violent communication and raising ourselves along with our children. We are not doing so to either please or offend or confuse or reject other people. We are doing it because we are convinced that it is the best way for children to grow up authentically and to eventually live meaningful adult lives fulfilling their true potential.

We welcome comments and questions. We are happy to explain our ways, and we are not trying to 'convert' people. We ask for patience, as there is still much that we are learning. And we ask that criticisms not be directed at our children.

Have you had any strange inquiries about the education of your children?

You're Not Homeschooling Because....You Can't Afford It

I hear from lots of people who are interested in keeping their children out of school, but they have numerous reasons for not doing it.  This week I will explore some of those reasons.

If you are not interested in homeschooling, please feel free to browse the links in my sidebar and come back next week for more stories of authentic parenting and natural living.

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Let me tell you a true story.

One of my friends is the single mother of a 6-year-old boy.  She chose to have a child in her late 30s after having a well-established career and achieving financial stability.  She imagined that she would return to work when her baby was 12 months old, as most Canadian women do, and that her baby would go to daycare and later to school.

But after 12 months of mothering her son, she felt compelled to stay home with him longer.  She arranged for someone to rent her basement and she refinanced her mortgage so that she could afford to live off her savings for another year. 

But she still couldn't bring herself to leave her son in daycare, so she committed to staying home with him until he was old enough for school.  In that time, she learned more about homeschooling and she decided that the current public school system would not be able to meet her son's needs.  For a little while she began to babysit someone else's children and eventually she decided that she would need to live in a less expensive Canadian city.  She and her son moved away from Toronto and they continue to live a school-free, job-free life.

How?

They are not receiving government assistance.  (Well, all Canadian families receive the Canada Child Tax Benefit, which varies according to how many children you have and the level of the family income.  I receive $368/month for my 4 children.)  Instead, my friend continues to live off of her meagre savings (which means she is completely depleting her retirement fund).  She budgets carefully for food.  She gets clothing for free or nearly free at thrift stores and exchanges.  She uses public transit (which is free for children in her new city).  She seeks free entertainment and learning opportunites for her son at public libraries and festivals.  When she travels, she stays with friends, offering her help in exchange for hospitality.

What's your point, Patti?

Where there's a will, there's a way.  If you truly believe, as I do, that school will harm your child, or that school already IS harming your child, then there is a way for you to keep your child home.  You can find a way to give up a second income, or even a primary income.

But Patti, we are used to a certain standard of living.  My kids expect vacations and meals in restaurants and movies and brand-name clothing.  We can't give up our car.  Our mortgage costs A LOT.  We need a second income just to break even.

I know.  Making major changes to the way you spend money is HARD.  My family is very lucky to live comfortably on one teacher's salary.  But the reason we are comfortable is because of the choices we've made.  Until this month, we drove a 2002 Honda Civic which holds just 5 people although we are a family of six.  We don't eat out or even buy pre-made foods from the grocery store.  My children wear mostly hand-me-downs.  Our home is a 2-bedroom bungalow in low-end neighbourhood. 

The truth is, I LIKE the finer things of life.  I like vacations and expensive leather shoes, boots and jackets.  I like beautiful furniture and lattes and nice cars.  With two teacher's salaries coming in, we could be living pretty lavishly (i.e. if I were working).  But my Family Mission Statement says that I choose Freedom and Joy.  If I have to go to work everyday and drop off my children to school and daycare, I have no Freedom and very little Joy. 

I can't tell you how to save money so that you can afford to keep your kids out of school.  But I can tell you that you CAN save money.  You can live cheaper.  You can afford to give up some things so that your kids can stay out of school.

It is possible.  My friend has proven it.

What financial sacrifices have you made so that you can homeschool with your children?

Could you Live in a Yurt?

I saw a great little article in The Toronto Star this week about a family who lives in a yurt.  In Kingston, Ontario.

You've got to click on the link and see the pictures of their home.  It's fabulous.

The article says that this family of six decided that their 1900 s.f. bungalow was too big for them.  So they bought 25 acres and put up 2 yurts connected by a centre entrance-way.

The mother of the family is quoted thus:

“People think that we’re . . . ” Labelle-Neven’s voice trails off, searching for the appropriate pejorative word for a family that’s opted for the uncommon. “But we’re . . . just . . . normal.”

They sound like us.

We're normal.  We're just doing doing things in a way that is not common.

Guess what?

Now I want a yurt.

A Week of Secrets: #4

Psssssst....I'll tell you a little secret.  But you have to promise not to tell anyone.

I don't clean my house.

Yes, it's true.  If you come to my house you will see that it is an absolute pigsty.  The bathroom needs to be cleaned.  The floor needs to be washed.  The fridge needs to be wiped out.  The windows and mirrors need to be scrubbed.  Every horizontal surface needs to be dusted.

It's not that I'm lazy.  It's not even that I'm too busy.  Although certainly having 4 kids DOES keep me busy.

I just choose to spend my time doing other things (when I'm not directly involved in an activity with my children).

Like what?  Well, I'm glad you asked.

For one thing, I bake and cook.  A LOT.  In the last week, in addition to toast and fruit salads and assorted vegetable dishes, all of the following items came out of my kitchen:

• 6 loaves of whole wheat bread
• banana muffins, applesauce muffins and carrot muffins
• 3 pizzas made from scratch including the crust
• hamburgers with homemade buns
• meatballs in stewed tomato sauce
• strawberry jam
• a cake with icing
• egg-free cupcakes with icing
• curry chicken
• guacamole
• cilantro salad
• fresh pesto
• bean soup

So I do spend a lot of time in the kitchen.

I also tend to be pretty meticulous about my laundry.  I hang out as much as I can on the clothesline.  I wash diapers twice a week.  I fold every little shirt and skirt and dress and bib with tender loving care and place each item neatly back in its home in the dresser or on the shelf.  It takes time, but laundry is one of my favourite activities.

And finally, I spend a lot of time doing my own thing.  I put on makeup.  I read the newspaper.  I check my email.  I run.  I talk to Partner-Guy.  I hold the baby while he sleeps.  It's a good life, I tell ya!  And I sure don't stress about the cleanliness of my toilet!

That being said, if I know that I am having a visitor, I do clean the house.  It takes about half an hour.

• clean the bathroom (5 minutes)
• make the beds and put the laundry away (5 minutes)
• pick up toys and books and sweep the living room/dining room (10 minutes)
• wipe the counters and fill the dishwasher (5 minutes)
• sweep the kitchen and spot-clean the floor (5 minutes)

Ta Da!
That's it.  That's my definition of a clean house.

You can't eat off my floors, but if you show up at my door, I guarantee I'll be able to give you something good to eat.  On a plate.

So that's my fourth secret.  Are you ready to share some of YOUR secrets yet?
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In case you've missed some of my secrets, here they are:
Secret #1:  Un-Farming
Secret #2:  Un-Sleeping
Secret #3:  Un-Marriage

A Week Of Secrets: #2

Psssssst......I'll tell you a secret.  But only if you promise not to tell anyone.

Partner-Guy and I haven't slept in the same bed, or even in the same room, in almost 4 years. 

And when I took this picture of Holly (5.5yrs) and Julian (11 months) a few nights ago, I really knew that NOT sleeping together was probably one of the greatest gifts we could give our children.

Cosleeping has never been an issue for either Partner-Guy or me.  When our oldest daughter Anna was born 7 years ago we had a borrowed crib set up in 'her' room, but we dismantled it at her first birthday when she had never slept in it.  Around that time we put a futon on the floor of 'her' room and I would lay down with her to go to sleep for every nap and at night. 

When Holly was born (when Anna was 20 months), Anna would go to sleep in 'her' bed while Holly slept with her two parents.  But Anna would wake up every night just after midnight and her dad would get her and put her in bed beside me and then he would go back to 'Anna's' room to sleep for the rest of the night.

By the time I was pregnant with Jasmine (now 3.5yrs) we had completely given up any idea of having a kid's bedroom and an adult bedroom.  We bought a high-quality queen-size bed to put in the smaller bedroom for Partner-Guy so that me and the girls could sleep in the king-size bed in the other bedroom.  (Note that we live in a two bedroom bungalow.) 

When Jasmine was born we simply added her to the bed.  We put a guard rail on Anna's side and a Humanity Bed on Jasmine's side.  Holly and I slept in the middle.  There simply was no issue with where everyone was going to sleep.



Photo taken about 2.5 hours after Jasmine was born.



And now we have Julian and somehow we still have space for everyone to sleep.  I know that this picture doesn't look like there is any room for me in the bed, but actually I fit just fine in the very center.  It's doable.  Everyone is happy and well-rested, and really, that's the goal, isn't it? 

When I was a La Leche League Leader I used to hear the following problem over and over from mothers:  I want to keep cosleeping but my husband/partner has had enough and wants the baby/child out of the bed.  La Leche League trains its leaders to be empathetic and gentle, but everytime I heard that problem I would just want to scream If your husband doesn't want to sleep with baby, tell him to sleep somewhere else.

OK. Not so empathetic.  I know.

The problem with the scenario the way the mothers always described it was that it was all about what SHE wanted and what HE wanted without considering what the baby wanted.  Ask yourself: What is the purpose of cosleeping?  Probably you would answer:  To make it easier for the mother to meet the baby's needs during the night with the least disruption to the sleep of the mother and the baby.  So who is not included in that scenario?  The husband/partner.

See, here's the thing:  Cosleeping is not about the spouse.  Did you get that?  COSLEEPING IS NOT ABOUT THE SPOUSE.  Cosleeping is about what is good for the baby and the mother.  If the spouse can't get a good night's sleep with the baby in the bed, he should go to another bed.** 

But I've heard all the arguments.  Let me spell them out for you.  He didn't get married so he can sleep alone.  He feels it's his right to sleep beside his mate.  He says he is building a life-long relationship with ME, not with the baby who will grow up and move out.  He won't have sex with the baby beside us.  He doesn't believe he should have to be kicked out of his own room.

Yeah.  OK.  Well, it's not about him.  Does he have to get up and go to work in the morning?  YES?  Then he is entitled to a good sleep.  And he'll get a great sleep alone in his own bed.  He'll even get up in the morning without disturbing anyone.  It's a great deal for everyone.  (And perhaps you noticed that I had baby last year but I haven't slept with my partner in almost 4 years?  It really does work out!  Really!)

So that's my 2nd secret?  What do you think?

**I've used the pronoun 'he' because although I worked with many mothers who had female partners, the cosleeping issue was only presented to me by mothers with male partners.

P.S.  Yes, I know that cosleeping is not for every mother.  No, I don't think you're a bad mother if you don't cosleep.

Ritual of Affirmations

Welcome to the First Mindful Mama Carnival
This post was written for inclusion in the Mindful Mama Blog Carnival hosted by Zoie at TouchstoneZ. Participants are writing posts about what mindful practices mean to them, how they parent mindfully, obstacles to mindful practice and experiences along the way. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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Many months ago I began a little ritual with my children at bedtime that has morphed into the most important part of my day.

My children--there are 4 of them, aged 7yrs, 5.5yrs, 3.5yrs and 11 months--all go to sleep in the same bed at (roughly) the same time.  Sometimes the baby goes to sleep first and then the older girls and I lay down together later.  Or sometimes the younger three fall asleep together and then the oldest girl gets up to relax by herself for awhile.  But no matter how it all comes together, we always end the day with what they have come to call Mom's Favourite Things About Us.

As we lay down together I describe for each child what was wonderful about her or him that day.  I tell about some action or moment or comment that made me feel excited or proud or inspired or amazed or interested or loved or loving.  Sometimes I tell them about something that I learned about them that day or something that I learned about myself through watching them.  I also include something about myself that I thought was special or important.

Some nights I am tired and it is hard to come up with something authentic about each child.  Some nights the baby is fussing or one of the girls has just had a melt-down and I am feeling particularly irritable.  Some nights I'm just in a hurry for everyone to fall asleep so that I can get out and do something on my personal agenda.  Those are the nights when it's the most important for me to make the effort to connect with each child by providing an authentic affirmation of my love.

I have come to notice several significant benefits of this practice.

1. I feel a deeper connection to my children.  It is very easy to tell ourselves as parents that Of course we love our children unconditionally.  But to actually put a name to the reasons and ways that we love our children is actually much harder.  I have learned that it has no value to use this special time to say "I liked the way you set the table for supper."  Instead, I use more emotion-laden words:  When you set the table tonight I felt so relieved because it is really hard for me to carry the dishes while the baby is asleep in the sling.  Your thoughtfulness made me feel loved and important.
2. It erases whatever negativity occurred during the day.  When there's been a big fight over toys or a lot of complaining about supper, it is sometimes tempting to use this special time to make a lecture or to offer some inauthentic praise.  Instead, I have learned to take whatever happened and turn it into something positive.  Holly, I am grateful for the way you told me that Jasmine was ruining your Barbie game by throwing her ball at you.  You helped me to remember to pay more attention to Jasmine when she needs someone to play with.  I appreciate how you came to get me.  I love you and I know that when you set up your Barbies very carefully, you don't want anyone to wreck it for you.  Jasmine, I really enjoyed playing catch-the-ball with you today and I hope that you will ask me to play with you again tomorrow.  When I play with you I feel happy and free and joyful and for a little while I get to be a little girl like you and have lots of fun.
3. It makes me happy.  Spending some relaxed time in quiet contemplation of what each child actually DID throughout the day has become a moment of great joy for me.  Our days are not empty repetitions of routines and schedules.  We embrace Freedom and Joy each day;  reflecting on our lifestyle never fails to bring a smile to my face.  By focusing on my own happiness in Mothering, I become even more happy.
4. It connects the children to each other.  The older girls are always interested in hearing what I say about each other child.  Sometimes they have something to add, like when I talked to Jasmine about how I've noticed that she really enjoys having visitors and Anna commented "Yes, it's nice that she likes to talk to our visitors because I don't really talk to some people but Jasmine always makes them feel welcome."  The older girls also insist that I talk about the baby each night and they enjoy my stories about what makes him a special part of our family.
5. It reminds me that it matters who they are right now.  I sometimes get so lost in the Big Picture of Parenting that it is easy to miss the day-to-day details.  Slowing down each evening to talk about the day-to-day details ensures that I will remember their precious childhoods.
6. It perpetuates more of the same feelings.  When I talk about how proud or excited I felt during the day I return to those same feelings of pride and excitement.  I believe that the more we focus on what we enjoy, the more we will have of what we enjoy.  By focusing on what is wonderful about each of my children, I am able to see even more of what is wonderful about them. 
7. I get to practice self-love.  I have had to work hard to overcome years and years of negative self-talk, and this little ritual of affirming my love for my children each night has helped me to give myself some love and appreciation also.  I am able to tell my children about what I like about myself which makes me like myself even more.

This opportunity to grow and learn while raising my children is both inspirational and humbling.  Isn't it amazing how a small ritual can take on such meaning and importance?



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Visit TouchstoneZ to find out how you can participate in the next Mindful Mama Blog Carnival!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• The Lost Art of Chill One Rich Mother explains how she overcame her habit of screaming through mindfulness
• Mindful Running Jenn @ Monkey Butt Junction shares how running has become her meditation.
• Mindful Mama...Who, Me? Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about why it's difficult for her to be a Mindful Mama.
• Ritual of Affirmations Patti @ Jazzy Mama finds out that a simple evening ritual can take on new importance when it is done with thoughtfulness and intent.
• My Mindfulness Challenge Amanda at Let's Take the Metro has set forth a mindfulness challenge for herself in an effort to become a better person.
• Keeping My Sanity by Losing My Mind CJ at Imperfect Happiness describes how she connects with reality by disconnecting from her mind.
• On Becoming an Aspiring Mindful Mama Melissa at The New Mommy Files has found that motherhood demands mindfulness, so she's working toward becoming a more mindful mama.
• Perfect and Complete, Lacking Nothing Rachael at The Variegated Life finds more time in the practice of being now.
• On Mindfulness and Multitasking Terri at Child of the Nature Isle reflects on how her mindful practices have changed since having children and how multitasking has been the key to maintaining a balanced life.
• I’ll Have What She’s Having Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares how she learned to trust in the “YES!”