A Reader asked:
"Hi do you have suggestions for helping a toddler (2.5 yr old) deal with
anxiety? She's scared of insects & loud noises such as the smoke alarm & vacuum cleaner. She's also recently told me she's scared of santa. Her fears
seem to be increasing so I am growing concerned for her. Many thanks."
Dear Friend,
You are a conscious and thoughtful parent to see your child's distress and to seek help in healing it. I offer you a big hug and the warmest of smiles, because I can tell that you are fully Awake and Aware in your responsibilities as a mother.
Your 2.5 year old daughter is also fully conscious and aware of her feelings and needs. She has shown you that she is afraid of certain situations or things or sounds or people. She has shown YOU her fears because she trusts you to protect her and to create a safe environment for her so that she can get on with the important business of her life: exploring, learning, discovering, playing, growing and maturing.
As much as is possible, avoid situations that bring out your child's fears and anxiety. Hold her trust in you as a sacred privilege and don't ask her to do what she is telling you she is not yet capable of handling. She is doing the best that she can do already, based on her knowledge and experience of the world.
When she is in an unavoidable situation where she is demonstrating her anxiety, respect her authenticity by doing whatever she asks: leaving the place or holding her or shielding her from unwanted attention. Tell her, "Yes, I can see you are scared. Mommy will stay with you." Validate without adding drama. Empathize and empower. Do not try to talk her out of her fear or ask her to engage in an activity she is scared of. She will learn to trust her instincts when you honour her feelings and her trust in you will deepen also.
Are you worried that she will never get over her fears or that her fears are unreasonable?
Let me share something personal: I have been afraid of frogs ever since I accidentally stepped on one when I was about 7 years old. I understand that they cannot hurt me, yet if someone brought one into the room this instant I would run away and hide behind a locked door. Now imagine if the person who loves me the most in this world decided without my permission that he was going to teach me to get over my fear by regularly exposing me to frogs. Would I get over my fear? Maybe eventually I would. But I would also develop a resentful attitude toward the person who did not respect my fears and who wanted to impose his own agenda on me. I would no longer trust him to accept and love my authentic self.
Similarly, there is no reason to try to 'train' your child out of her fears, unless you want her to develop a mistrust of you or her other caregivers. Most childhood fears will naturally dissipate as the child matures. The fears that persist deserve to be respected and honoured. Your relationship with your daughter is bigger and more lasting than her fears.
Offer yourself the enormous love and respect that you deserve for caring so much about your daughter. Release your own anxiety about her fears and let yourself fall into a deep, deep trust of her and all that she communicates to you. You are her role model and she is your mirror--when your anxiety disappears, so will hers.
For Freedom and Joy,
Patti
Showing posts with label Authentic Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Authentic Parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Criticism of Our Homeschooling Family
When we decided to follow our hearts into a mode of parenting that is less common and not at all mainstream, we knew there would be some criticism. People are naturally skeptical about new ideas and theories that haven't been proven by years and years of practice. Think of Copernicus and Galileo. And some people are naturally defensive; they act as if our choice to do things differently is a direct threat to them. We don't tend to care what they do, yet they want to explain their way as if they are trying to convert us.
And of course there are some people who genuinely care about Partner-Guy and I and the kids and their criticism or skepticism is usually thinly veiled as a question. These people are usually family, and we respect that they care about us and only want what is best for our children. We excuse them for not knowing the same things about child development as we do. We know that they engage in relationships with children from a different perspective and set of priorities from what we do. And most of the time we are not offended by their skepticism.
Socialization
For example, I was asked by a relative if our children have any friends and are they given lots of opportunities to 'socialize'. In his book Hold onto Your Kids: Why Parents need to Matter more than Peers, Dr. Gordon Neufeld calls the modern preoccupation with playdates and childhood friendships "courting the enemy". Yes, my kids have opportunities to be around other children. Mostly, they have no interest in other kids. They are each other's best friends and we don't fill our lives trying to find an assortment of children for them to ignore. Social skills begin at home and are learned by modelling the behaviour of people who already have social skills, not by spending endless unsupervised hours with other immature people.
Formal Lessons
Another relative asked when we were going to begin teaching formal lessons. I wonder if the definition of "formal lessons" is to force children to learn something that they are not interested in just because I think it is important. What I do is to expose them to new ideas and subject areas and let them pursue whatever they are interested in. The school system is obsessed with 'early literacy', yet without a single 'formal lesson' both Anna and Holly are learning how to read and both of them can spell many words from memory. They can rhyme extensively and they make oral lists of words with the same initial consonant sound. Who needs a formal lesson? When they want to learn something special, like how to play the piano for example, we'll get them lessons if they ask for them. Formal lessons are not out of the question, they just aren't a requirement.
Boredom
On another occasion we were asked if our children are bored being stuck in our little bungalow all day. Hmmmm. The children aren't chained to the table legs! They play indoors and outdoors. We go somewhere almost everyday : the Zoo, the Science Center, an indoor or outdoor playground, a museum, a pool. We visit people. Sometimes we go to a movie. We visit the Valley and the beach as often as the kids suggest it. We walk around the block every night after supper and look at gardens and trees and lawns and talk to our neighbours and play with their pets. No, the children are not bored.
Social Skills
One relative asked if we were going to teach the children how to act. I guess that person was concerned that we don't seem to be teaching our children how to get along with adults, particularly adults who they don't actually know. We tend to believe that it is the role of the adult to accommodate the maturity level of the child. Our children don't conform to many of the usual expectations for children, and we don't make them. We try to model good behaviour for them, but we let them live authentically and we don't force them to do things that they aren't comfortable with. And we don't shame them or punish them when they don't comform to the expectations of other adults. They don't hug anyone outside of their immediate family. They don't act 'charming' to make adults feel good. They rarely answer when asked assorted random inane questions that adults ask (like, How do like your little brother?). We respect them. And we hope that we are modelling respect in our relationships with other adults so that they can learn about how different relationships require give-and-take in order to function smoothly.
But by far the most unexpected question we've been asked has us completely perplexed.
We were asked if we had joined a cult.
Wow. I guess there are aspects of 'cultishness' in our lives. We keep mostly to ourselves. We reject the methods of the majority. We try to find other like-minded people (although not very successfully). We read extensively about what we believe in, so when we talk about our family we use expressions that other people may not be familiar with. We procreate like rabbits. (Not sure if that's cultish or not, but the cults I've seen on TV tend to have a LOT of children running around!)
So I'm not sure if that comment has me feeling offended or amused. When I consider the source, I am inclined to be amused. I don't expect everyone to understand our choices or why we are choosing a path less travelled. I don't expect people to share our goals or to have insight into our relationships. But to think that our lifestyle reflects that of a cult? Now that's a good laugh.
And so we continue on this journey of life learning and non-violent communication and raising ourselves along with our children. We are not doing so to either please or offend or confuse or reject other people. We are doing it because we are convinced that it is the best way for children to grow up authentically and to eventually live meaningful adult lives fulfilling their true potential.
We welcome comments and questions. We are happy to explain our ways, and we are not trying to 'convert' people. We ask for patience, as there is still much that we are learning. And we ask that criticisms not be directed at our children.
Have you had any strange inquiries about the education of your children?
And of course there are some people who genuinely care about Partner-Guy and I and the kids and their criticism or skepticism is usually thinly veiled as a question. These people are usually family, and we respect that they care about us and only want what is best for our children. We excuse them for not knowing the same things about child development as we do. We know that they engage in relationships with children from a different perspective and set of priorities from what we do. And most of the time we are not offended by their skepticism.
Socialization
For example, I was asked by a relative if our children have any friends and are they given lots of opportunities to 'socialize'. In his book Hold onto Your Kids: Why Parents need to Matter more than Peers, Dr. Gordon Neufeld calls the modern preoccupation with playdates and childhood friendships "courting the enemy". Yes, my kids have opportunities to be around other children. Mostly, they have no interest in other kids. They are each other's best friends and we don't fill our lives trying to find an assortment of children for them to ignore. Social skills begin at home and are learned by modelling the behaviour of people who already have social skills, not by spending endless unsupervised hours with other immature people.
Formal Lessons
Another relative asked when we were going to begin teaching formal lessons. I wonder if the definition of "formal lessons" is to force children to learn something that they are not interested in just because I think it is important. What I do is to expose them to new ideas and subject areas and let them pursue whatever they are interested in. The school system is obsessed with 'early literacy', yet without a single 'formal lesson' both Anna and Holly are learning how to read and both of them can spell many words from memory. They can rhyme extensively and they make oral lists of words with the same initial consonant sound. Who needs a formal lesson? When they want to learn something special, like how to play the piano for example, we'll get them lessons if they ask for them. Formal lessons are not out of the question, they just aren't a requirement.
Boredom
On another occasion we were asked if our children are bored being stuck in our little bungalow all day. Hmmmm. The children aren't chained to the table legs! They play indoors and outdoors. We go somewhere almost everyday : the Zoo, the Science Center, an indoor or outdoor playground, a museum, a pool. We visit people. Sometimes we go to a movie. We visit the Valley and the beach as often as the kids suggest it. We walk around the block every night after supper and look at gardens and trees and lawns and talk to our neighbours and play with their pets. No, the children are not bored.
Social Skills
One relative asked if we were going to teach the children how to act. I guess that person was concerned that we don't seem to be teaching our children how to get along with adults, particularly adults who they don't actually know. We tend to believe that it is the role of the adult to accommodate the maturity level of the child. Our children don't conform to many of the usual expectations for children, and we don't make them. We try to model good behaviour for them, but we let them live authentically and we don't force them to do things that they aren't comfortable with. And we don't shame them or punish them when they don't comform to the expectations of other adults. They don't hug anyone outside of their immediate family. They don't act 'charming' to make adults feel good. They rarely answer when asked assorted random inane questions that adults ask (like, How do like your little brother?). We respect them. And we hope that we are modelling respect in our relationships with other adults so that they can learn about how different relationships require give-and-take in order to function smoothly.
But by far the most unexpected question we've been asked has us completely perplexed.
We were asked if we had joined a cult.
Wow. I guess there are aspects of 'cultishness' in our lives. We keep mostly to ourselves. We reject the methods of the majority. We try to find other like-minded people (although not very successfully). We read extensively about what we believe in, so when we talk about our family we use expressions that other people may not be familiar with. We procreate like rabbits. (Not sure if that's cultish or not, but the cults I've seen on TV tend to have a LOT of children running around!)
So I'm not sure if that comment has me feeling offended or amused. When I consider the source, I am inclined to be amused. I don't expect everyone to understand our choices or why we are choosing a path less travelled. I don't expect people to share our goals or to have insight into our relationships. But to think that our lifestyle reflects that of a cult? Now that's a good laugh.
And so we continue on this journey of life learning and non-violent communication and raising ourselves along with our children. We are not doing so to either please or offend or confuse or reject other people. We are doing it because we are convinced that it is the best way for children to grow up authentically and to eventually live meaningful adult lives fulfilling their true potential.
We welcome comments and questions. We are happy to explain our ways, and we are not trying to 'convert' people. We ask for patience, as there is still much that we are learning. And we ask that criticisms not be directed at our children.
Have you had any strange inquiries about the education of your children?
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Gender Fluidity, The Genderless Baby and Raising my Son
If I were reading about a mother who didn't want to raise a son (as you have been for the last week), I would probably be thinking this: Lady, you are pathetic. You have a healthy, growing, thriving little boy. There are mothers all over the world who have buried their sons, yet you are so selfish that you wish you had had another daughter? Get over it.
Yeah, I'd be pretty judgemental. I get it that I am privileged to even have the opportunity to reflect on why I find it difficult to raise a son. Still, how much worse of a mother would I be if I didn't reflect on my feelings and direct my thoughts toward investigating my attitude and healing my past (from which my attitudes come)?
And so I will finish these reflections on gender with the following thoughts:
In May, The Toronto Star ran a story about a couple who are refusing to reveal the gender of their baby in order for the child to grow up without all the stereotypes associated with gender.
I think they are brilliant.
I had first read about gender fluidity (for children) in April and I was really intrigued by it. When I read about Baby Storm who is being raised by possibly the most open-minded, loving, accepting parents on the planet I was absolutely thrilled to learn that there are parents who are so incredible.
I am simply not even mature enough to embrace what they have done--prevent gender stereotyping by not divulging the gender of their baby. But I get it. I totally get it.
You see, I just don't think that sex and gender matter. At least, not when it comes to how I want to raise my children. I don't believe that the stereotypical 'male' and 'female' behaviour that people are so quick to observe in my children actually have anything to do with sex or gender.
My daughters love to wear dresses. They choose pink and purple clothing when we go shopping. They love their Barbie dolls.
AND, they refuse to wash or comb their hair. All 3 of them. They play in mud. Often. They ride on Tonka trucks down our sloping driveway, slamming their feet into the sidewalk just inches before they would shoot out onto the road. They climb trees. They delight in feeding bugs and worms to the chickens.
They are active, curious, busy children and I don't see that any of their behaviours are related to how they identify themselves as girls. And I don't see that any of my son's behaviours are related to being a boy. He is simply growing up the best way he knows how in the environment that he was born into.
The boundaries that I place on Julian will be the same as the boundaries I place on my daughters. We don't tolerate aggression. We don't act with prejudice, arrogance or ignorance. We show kindness and compassion to our family, friends, neighbours and acquaintances. We value patience, fulfillment, safety and good health. We choose to live in Freedom and Joy.
What if my son starts hitting or biting? Well, so what. One of my daughters went through a brief aggressive period. We responded with patience and understanding; she doesn't hit or bite anymore. What if my son wants to play with cars and trucks and trains? Well, he can if he wants. He can also play with Playmobil and Duplo and My Little Ponies and Barbies and whatever he wants. What if my son wants to wear dresses and hair barrettes? Okay. He likely won't forever.
Meeting Julian's needs and guiding him as he grows are my main objectives. I will do this by authentically getting to know him and observing carefully as he signals his needs to me. I will listen carefully to him and to his sisters throughout their lives and I will give them my unconditional, unequivocal love and devotion.
That's all.
I'm done talking about gender.
For now.
**********************************
PART 1: Disappointment after my Son's Birth
PART 2: Gender Stereotypes
PART 3: 6 Reasons I did Not Want a Boy
Yeah, I'd be pretty judgemental. I get it that I am privileged to even have the opportunity to reflect on why I find it difficult to raise a son. Still, how much worse of a mother would I be if I didn't reflect on my feelings and direct my thoughts toward investigating my attitude and healing my past (from which my attitudes come)?
And so I will finish these reflections on gender with the following thoughts:
In May, The Toronto Star ran a story about a couple who are refusing to reveal the gender of their baby in order for the child to grow up without all the stereotypes associated with gender.
I think they are brilliant.
I had first read about gender fluidity (for children) in April and I was really intrigued by it. When I read about Baby Storm who is being raised by possibly the most open-minded, loving, accepting parents on the planet I was absolutely thrilled to learn that there are parents who are so incredible.
I am simply not even mature enough to embrace what they have done--prevent gender stereotyping by not divulging the gender of their baby. But I get it. I totally get it.
You see, I just don't think that sex and gender matter. At least, not when it comes to how I want to raise my children. I don't believe that the stereotypical 'male' and 'female' behaviour that people are so quick to observe in my children actually have anything to do with sex or gender.
My daughters love to wear dresses. They choose pink and purple clothing when we go shopping. They love their Barbie dolls.
AND, they refuse to wash or comb their hair. All 3 of them. They play in mud. Often. They ride on Tonka trucks down our sloping driveway, slamming their feet into the sidewalk just inches before they would shoot out onto the road. They climb trees. They delight in feeding bugs and worms to the chickens.
They are active, curious, busy children and I don't see that any of their behaviours are related to how they identify themselves as girls. And I don't see that any of my son's behaviours are related to being a boy. He is simply growing up the best way he knows how in the environment that he was born into.
The boundaries that I place on Julian will be the same as the boundaries I place on my daughters. We don't tolerate aggression. We don't act with prejudice, arrogance or ignorance. We show kindness and compassion to our family, friends, neighbours and acquaintances. We value patience, fulfillment, safety and good health. We choose to live in Freedom and Joy.
What if my son starts hitting or biting? Well, so what. One of my daughters went through a brief aggressive period. We responded with patience and understanding; she doesn't hit or bite anymore. What if my son wants to play with cars and trucks and trains? Well, he can if he wants. He can also play with Playmobil and Duplo and My Little Ponies and Barbies and whatever he wants. What if my son wants to wear dresses and hair barrettes? Okay. He likely won't forever.
That's all.
I'm done talking about gender.
For now.
**********************************
PART 1: Disappointment after my Son's Birth
PART 2: Gender Stereotypes
PART 3: 6 Reasons I did Not Want a Boy
Monday, August 1, 2011
Guess What? I'm Probably a Terrible Mother
Part 1
One night I had a dream that Partner-Guy and I were in some huge underground caves with our 3 daughters. I think maybe we were on vacation. He was carrying two of the girls and I was dragging a huge suitcase and carrying a bag and calling to the other girl to stay with me. Suddenly a wave came into the cave and carried away my daughter. I stood there, holding the suitcase, while I watched the wave carry her further and further away. Eventually the wave receded and I could see her on the floor of the cave, far away. I called to Partner-Guy to go check on her while I proceeded out of the cave with the suitcase.
And then I woke up and had a little cry because I couldn't believe my brain would have me act like!
Part 2
This is not a dream.
Last summer we were at an amusement park. My three daughters were on a ride with their teenage cousin while I watched from the ground, a short distance away. I noticed that one of my girls was leaning somewhat dangerously on the safety harness of the car that they were in. I felt my heart rate increase and my mouth became dry. I started to run toward the operator of the ride to tell him to stop the ride. As I got closer I saw that it was NOT the daughter that I had originally thought was going to fall out. I relaxed immediately and did not intervene.
And then I went behind a tree and had a little cry because I couldn't believe I had just reacted that way.
Part 3
My children behave like children.
One of my daughters is extremely prone to screaming. About almost anything. Regularly. Many, many times per day.
One of my daughters talks non-stop. She tells everyone around her to stop talking so that she can talk. She does this throughout the day. But not ALL day. Only whenever someone else is trying to talk.
One of my daughters says 'No' to me about everything. Would you like spaghetti for supper? NO. Would you like me to help you comb your hair? NO. Did you enjoy your bike ride with Daddy? NO.
Sometimes, it's all just too much for me. Sometime I say, "Mommy is feeling a little overwhelmed just now. I need to be away from all of you for a few minutes so that when I come back I don't feel like a mean person anymore."
And sometimes I don't say anything and I just walk away because if I do talk, it won't be very nice. And in that moment one little daughter is the recipient of my tantrum of silence. It doesn't even matter what the trigger was--I've had to walk away from each of them at different times.
You know what? This isn't always easy.
I struggle.
I replay and believe the old recordings of negative self-talk that tell me how I never do anything right.
I give in to the old habits of lecturing and arguing.
I forget to listen and validate and empower.
I forget to take care of myself and practice some self-love so that I can recharge and have more of my best self for my children.
I get tired and hungry and hot.
I'm not making excuses.
I know my weaknesses and my triggers.
What matters is not that I totally blow it sometimes. What matters is how I strive to do better next time.
And I am STRIVING.
I'm doing The Work of Byron Katie.
I'm re-reading my favourite parenting book.
I'm resting and meditating and going to yoga.
I'm starting to keep a hand-written journal.
I'm practising gratitude.
Do you ever feel like you aren't meeting your own standards in parenting? How do you overcome your self-doubt?
One night I had a dream that Partner-Guy and I were in some huge underground caves with our 3 daughters. I think maybe we were on vacation. He was carrying two of the girls and I was dragging a huge suitcase and carrying a bag and calling to the other girl to stay with me. Suddenly a wave came into the cave and carried away my daughter. I stood there, holding the suitcase, while I watched the wave carry her further and further away. Eventually the wave receded and I could see her on the floor of the cave, far away. I called to Partner-Guy to go check on her while I proceeded out of the cave with the suitcase.
And then I woke up and had a little cry because I couldn't believe my brain would have me act like!
Part 2
This is not a dream.
Last summer we were at an amusement park. My three daughters were on a ride with their teenage cousin while I watched from the ground, a short distance away. I noticed that one of my girls was leaning somewhat dangerously on the safety harness of the car that they were in. I felt my heart rate increase and my mouth became dry. I started to run toward the operator of the ride to tell him to stop the ride. As I got closer I saw that it was NOT the daughter that I had originally thought was going to fall out. I relaxed immediately and did not intervene.
And then I went behind a tree and had a little cry because I couldn't believe I had just reacted that way.
Part 3
My children behave like children.
One of my daughters is extremely prone to screaming. About almost anything. Regularly. Many, many times per day.
One of my daughters talks non-stop. She tells everyone around her to stop talking so that she can talk. She does this throughout the day. But not ALL day. Only whenever someone else is trying to talk.
One of my daughters says 'No' to me about everything. Would you like spaghetti for supper? NO. Would you like me to help you comb your hair? NO. Did you enjoy your bike ride with Daddy? NO.
Sometimes, it's all just too much for me. Sometime I say, "Mommy is feeling a little overwhelmed just now. I need to be away from all of you for a few minutes so that when I come back I don't feel like a mean person anymore."
And sometimes I don't say anything and I just walk away because if I do talk, it won't be very nice. And in that moment one little daughter is the recipient of my tantrum of silence. It doesn't even matter what the trigger was--I've had to walk away from each of them at different times.
You know what? This isn't always easy.
I struggle.
I replay and believe the old recordings of negative self-talk that tell me how I never do anything right.
I give in to the old habits of lecturing and arguing.
I forget to listen and validate and empower.
I forget to take care of myself and practice some self-love so that I can recharge and have more of my best self for my children.
I get tired and hungry and hot.
I'm not making excuses.
I know my weaknesses and my triggers.
What matters is not that I totally blow it sometimes. What matters is how I strive to do better next time.
And I am STRIVING.
I'm doing The Work of Byron Katie.
I'm re-reading my favourite parenting book.
I'm resting and meditating and going to yoga.
I'm starting to keep a hand-written journal.
I'm practising gratitude.
Do you ever feel like you aren't meeting your own standards in parenting? How do you overcome your self-doubt?
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Naomi Aldort's Parenting Philosophy: Excellent, But NOT for Everyone
Along with the controversy surrounding Naomi's bogus PhD, there have been numerous book reviews and comments on Amazon.com and other forums regarding the advice that Naomi gives to parents about raising their children.
In case you are not familiar with her book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, I will try to give you a brief synopsis. The sub-title explains that her ideas, when put into practice, will transform the parent-child relationship from reaction and struggle to freedom, power and joy. The basic principal of Naomi's teachings is that children deserve to be treated with the same respect and trust as is befitting any adult. Her book asserts that lack of age or life experience does not make someone less worthy of freedom, autonomy and self-regulation. She suggests that parents need only provide compassion, patience, emotional security and unconditional love in order to raise joyful, powerful children. (If you fully understand her book, you will know that the word power is easily replaced with autonomy.)
It sounds simple, right? Wouldn't every parent gladly give up conflicts with their children in favour of living in freedom and peace? Of course! But not all parents are equally capable of achieving this amazing equilibrium in their homes. Here are some reasons why.
1. Some parents confuse Freedom with License.
Freedom is what happens when a group of people mutually agree to respect each other's needs as equal to their own. Freedom is NOT license to do whatever you want.
One area where Naomi's book is easily misunderstood is how she suggests that children should be allowed to determine their own bodily rhythms when it comes to food and sleep. Some parents would think that she is suggesting that children should stay up late into the night as much as they want or that children can choose to eat nothing but ice cream. No, that is not Naomi's strategy at all.
Consider the act of driving a car. One must follow the rules of the road, purchase insurance and keep the car safely maintained. Having the Freedom to hop in the car and drive wherever and whenever we please is not the same as having the License to break the speed limits, run stop signs and drive on the sidewalk. By choosing to drive, we choose to respect our own need for safety and the safety of others.
The food and sleep issue for children is the same. Few parents would find that the family functions well when one or more members choose to sleep in patterns that disrupt the rhythm of the rest of the family. And few parents would be comfortable with their children never choosing to eat a fruit or vegetable. However, if the parent creates an environment where any available choice for food or sleep will be acceptable to all members of the family, then there are no problems.
In my own family, all of the children lay down in bed at the same time in the evening, usually when the baby is ready for bed. We talk about our day, tell what we are grateful for and sing songs. If one or more of them are not tired then they get up to do a quiet activity when the others fall asleep. Later, they go to bed on their own or whenever I decide to go to bed. We also have an agreement that every Sunday everyone stays up and we do a family activity like watching a movie or having a campfire. There is no fighting about 'bedtime' and everyone gets enough sleep.
Freedom to choose whatever food the child wants is similarly easy: Simply don't bring food into your home that you don't want your children to eat. Some days one of my daughters will consume nothing but toast and soy milk. This is no problem for me because generally the next day her body will be craving some fiber and she'll eat lots of raw fruits and vegetables (which are always plentiful). If my house has potato chips in it, it is no surprise to me that my children will not touch anything healthy because they can only think about the junk food. If it's not available, they will eat whatever IS available.
Freedom to make one's own choices within the boundaries of what is good for everyone is just life. Boundaries are not rules.
2. Some parents don't know how to be the Leader in their homes.
Most of us are really good at being The Boss. We grew up in a school environment where we were permitted limited autonomy and the adult was always in charge. Many of us had home environments that were the same as school where our parents were authoritarian. We bring this familiar paradigm to the parenting of our own children because it is comfortable and common.
Some of us are really bad at being The Boss. We're the Pushovers. We are so afraid of creating disappointment or sadness or frustration for our children that we give them whatever they want and offer them no boundaries, values or priorities of our own because we don't want to clash with them. We seek their love and approval rather than unconditionally giving ours.
Neither of those scenarios are ones in which the parents have a clear sense of what is best for themselves OR their children. A Leader creates authentic boundaries by living within clearly defined Values and Priorities. You might consider establishing a Family Mission Statement as a way of clearly defining your own Values and Priorities.
For example, if healthy eating and exercise is important to you, then you are a Leader by engaging in a healthy lifestyle and not creating a home full of junk foods where the most common activity is watching TV. You aren't being a Leader if you make your kids eat veggies and rice while you eat fries and cheese dip. That's obvious, right?
Similarly, if a tidy home is important to you then you better keep it clean. A BOSS creates rules about making everyone clean up. A PUSHOVER complains about the mess but does nothing OR cleans up constantly as the Cinderella who is serving everyone else's needs. A LEADER cleans up and shows everyone around her the benefits of order and cleanliness.
Being the Leader is what prevents your home environment from becoming one of License rather than Freedom. We are not to become the servant of our children, running ourselves ragged to meet their every demand. A Leader models self-care and self-love. A Leader states clearly her own needs and limitations and then acts in such a way as to meet her needs and surrender to her limitations.
For example, my two older children love to go to playgrounds, especially during the school year when there are few other children there. I am totally committed to following their agendas and facilitating their play and learning, but I really dislike going to playgrounds because Julian is at an age (12 months) where the playground is very dangerous for him with his limited physical abilities and his enormous curiosity (and total lack of sense!) It is exhausting for me to play with him at the playground and keep him safe while also assisting his sisters on the monkey bars and pushing them on swings and watching them do acrobatics on the climbers. I have explained this to my daughters (ages 5 and 7) and I have asked them to go to playgrounds only when their dad is available to either go with them or stay home with Julian. This is being the Leader.
3. Some parents are not very good at self-analysis.
One of Naomi's most important suggestions is that parents STOP their reactions to their children from being expressed and just listen and observe them in our heads. This pause gives us the time to consider how our reactions might hurt our relationships with our children. Instead we should question our reactions and ask ourselves how we will connect with our child in that moment.
Some people are just not very good at this because they are convinced that the story playing in their own heads is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. They are not good at examining their stories and finding out why it might be wrong.
For example, one time I was at an indoor playground with my children and when we reached the 'agreed upon time' for leaving, my daughter Jasmine refused to put on her coat and boots. I panicked and I told myself a story: The baby needs to sleep and we have to get on the next bus or else wait for 30 minutes! I picked up Jasmine, forced her into her boots and dragged her out the door. It was terrible. In that moment I was believing my story and I was being The Boss instead of The Leader.
Some parents might say, "Well, she should have left when you told her it was time. And besides, you had to take care of the baby so the older child can't always get what she wants." It's easy to get sucked into believing that story. But I know it to be false. If I had played out that horrible, aggressive reaction in my head (rather than doing it for real) I would have experienced how terrible I was going to feel afterwards. I would have seen her sad face and scared little eyes in my mind and I would have chosen a different course of action. How do I know I did the wrong thing? Because of the guilt I felt afterwards! Guilt is always your heart's way of telling you that you made the wrong choice.
Through my phone sessions with my life coach Tara Wagner (The Organic Sister) and through reading, watching and listening to The Work of Byron Katie, I have become much, much better at stopping my reactions and doing some self-analysis. By keeping my connection with my children as my top priority, I have learned to control my sharp tongue, offer more validation and listen better to their needs.
4. Some parents are not confident doing things differently from their family and friends.
Do you know how many times in a week I hear the phrase "Wow. You're brave." It's always in regards to how I have 4 young children, or how we don't send our children to school, or how we practice selective vaccinations, or how we are six people living in a 2-bedroom bungalow, or how we swing amortage in Toronto on one income, or how....whatever. And it never means that the speaker thinks I am a woman of courage. It means that the speaker thinks I am a total oddball who is doing everything completely differently from the mainstream.
Well, good. Because I AM doing everything differently from the mainstream. And I am completely confident in my choices. I know what I value. I know my priorities. I believe in my ability to learn and grow and change and create so that my family and I can live the life of Freedom and Joy that we all want and deserve.
But I totally understand that not every parent feels as confident as I do about making choices that are different from what everyone else does. I have 2 friends who are really uncertain about sending their children to public school. Neither of them want their children to be 'different' but neither of them is convinced that public school is the right place for their children. One of the mothers, after a year of uncertainty, has decided to try part-time schooling. The other mother has enrolled her child but is 'fighting' with the school principal about accommodating her daughter's needs. BOTH mothers have made big, BIG choices to go against the mainstream in making decisions about their children. Simply questioning the status quo is an ENORMOUS act of courage sometimes, and I have nothing but admiration for these two moms for having the confidence to act against the mainstream.
5. Some parents are looking for a technique to create a certain behaviour in their children.
Aaah, this is a biggee, my friends. Most parents buy parenting books because they are looking for a set of strategies or techniques to 'fix' their child. Naomi's book will not fix anything about your child because Naomi's philosophy is that there is nothing wrong with your child. The only thing that Naomi's strategies will fix is the parents' reactions to their child. Her ideas and techniques are all about trusting the child and deepening the parent-child relationship.
If you are looking for ways to make your child conform or comply (which most mainstream parents want more than anything) then this is absolutely the wrong book for you. The strategies in this book will only work in so much as the parent is willing to change, adapt, reflect, question and lead. There are no rules, no punishments, no incentives, no rewards and no techniques that will change your child into someone better. There is only Trust, Freedom, Autonomy and Joy. When parents are willing to open their hearts to living their own Trust, Freedom, Autonomy and Joy, they will simply open up every relationship to experience the same things.
I believe it is possible for everyone to choose a parenting trajectory that brings Freedom and Joy to their families. Not everyone who reads Naomi's book is ready to begin that journey.
How about you? Do you have any further questions about how I have used Naomi Aldort's parenting advice to find Freedom and Joy in my relationships with my children? Did something in this post resonate with you? Please leave a comment or consider sending me a private email.
Freedom and Joy to you and yours, my kind friends and followers.
In case you are not familiar with her book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, I will try to give you a brief synopsis. The sub-title explains that her ideas, when put into practice, will transform the parent-child relationship from reaction and struggle to freedom, power and joy. The basic principal of Naomi's teachings is that children deserve to be treated with the same respect and trust as is befitting any adult. Her book asserts that lack of age or life experience does not make someone less worthy of freedom, autonomy and self-regulation. She suggests that parents need only provide compassion, patience, emotional security and unconditional love in order to raise joyful, powerful children. (If you fully understand her book, you will know that the word power is easily replaced with autonomy.)
It sounds simple, right? Wouldn't every parent gladly give up conflicts with their children in favour of living in freedom and peace? Of course! But not all parents are equally capable of achieving this amazing equilibrium in their homes. Here are some reasons why.
1. Some parents confuse Freedom with License.
Freedom is what happens when a group of people mutually agree to respect each other's needs as equal to their own. Freedom is NOT license to do whatever you want.
One area where Naomi's book is easily misunderstood is how she suggests that children should be allowed to determine their own bodily rhythms when it comes to food and sleep. Some parents would think that she is suggesting that children should stay up late into the night as much as they want or that children can choose to eat nothing but ice cream. No, that is not Naomi's strategy at all.
Consider the act of driving a car. One must follow the rules of the road, purchase insurance and keep the car safely maintained. Having the Freedom to hop in the car and drive wherever and whenever we please is not the same as having the License to break the speed limits, run stop signs and drive on the sidewalk. By choosing to drive, we choose to respect our own need for safety and the safety of others.
The food and sleep issue for children is the same. Few parents would find that the family functions well when one or more members choose to sleep in patterns that disrupt the rhythm of the rest of the family. And few parents would be comfortable with their children never choosing to eat a fruit or vegetable. However, if the parent creates an environment where any available choice for food or sleep will be acceptable to all members of the family, then there are no problems.
In my own family, all of the children lay down in bed at the same time in the evening, usually when the baby is ready for bed. We talk about our day, tell what we are grateful for and sing songs. If one or more of them are not tired then they get up to do a quiet activity when the others fall asleep. Later, they go to bed on their own or whenever I decide to go to bed. We also have an agreement that every Sunday everyone stays up and we do a family activity like watching a movie or having a campfire. There is no fighting about 'bedtime' and everyone gets enough sleep.
Freedom to choose whatever food the child wants is similarly easy: Simply don't bring food into your home that you don't want your children to eat. Some days one of my daughters will consume nothing but toast and soy milk. This is no problem for me because generally the next day her body will be craving some fiber and she'll eat lots of raw fruits and vegetables (which are always plentiful). If my house has potato chips in it, it is no surprise to me that my children will not touch anything healthy because they can only think about the junk food. If it's not available, they will eat whatever IS available.
Freedom to make one's own choices within the boundaries of what is good for everyone is just life. Boundaries are not rules.
2. Some parents don't know how to be the Leader in their homes.
Most of us are really good at being The Boss. We grew up in a school environment where we were permitted limited autonomy and the adult was always in charge. Many of us had home environments that were the same as school where our parents were authoritarian. We bring this familiar paradigm to the parenting of our own children because it is comfortable and common.
Some of us are really bad at being The Boss. We're the Pushovers. We are so afraid of creating disappointment or sadness or frustration for our children that we give them whatever they want and offer them no boundaries, values or priorities of our own because we don't want to clash with them. We seek their love and approval rather than unconditionally giving ours.
Neither of those scenarios are ones in which the parents have a clear sense of what is best for themselves OR their children. A Leader creates authentic boundaries by living within clearly defined Values and Priorities. You might consider establishing a Family Mission Statement as a way of clearly defining your own Values and Priorities.
For example, if healthy eating and exercise is important to you, then you are a Leader by engaging in a healthy lifestyle and not creating a home full of junk foods where the most common activity is watching TV. You aren't being a Leader if you make your kids eat veggies and rice while you eat fries and cheese dip. That's obvious, right?
Similarly, if a tidy home is important to you then you better keep it clean. A BOSS creates rules about making everyone clean up. A PUSHOVER complains about the mess but does nothing OR cleans up constantly as the Cinderella who is serving everyone else's needs. A LEADER cleans up and shows everyone around her the benefits of order and cleanliness.
Being the Leader is what prevents your home environment from becoming one of License rather than Freedom. We are not to become the servant of our children, running ourselves ragged to meet their every demand. A Leader models self-care and self-love. A Leader states clearly her own needs and limitations and then acts in such a way as to meet her needs and surrender to her limitations.
For example, my two older children love to go to playgrounds, especially during the school year when there are few other children there. I am totally committed to following their agendas and facilitating their play and learning, but I really dislike going to playgrounds because Julian is at an age (12 months) where the playground is very dangerous for him with his limited physical abilities and his enormous curiosity (and total lack of sense!) It is exhausting for me to play with him at the playground and keep him safe while also assisting his sisters on the monkey bars and pushing them on swings and watching them do acrobatics on the climbers. I have explained this to my daughters (ages 5 and 7) and I have asked them to go to playgrounds only when their dad is available to either go with them or stay home with Julian. This is being the Leader.
3. Some parents are not very good at self-analysis.
One of Naomi's most important suggestions is that parents STOP their reactions to their children from being expressed and just listen and observe them in our heads. This pause gives us the time to consider how our reactions might hurt our relationships with our children. Instead we should question our reactions and ask ourselves how we will connect with our child in that moment.
Some people are just not very good at this because they are convinced that the story playing in their own heads is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. They are not good at examining their stories and finding out why it might be wrong.
For example, one time I was at an indoor playground with my children and when we reached the 'agreed upon time' for leaving, my daughter Jasmine refused to put on her coat and boots. I panicked and I told myself a story: The baby needs to sleep and we have to get on the next bus or else wait for 30 minutes! I picked up Jasmine, forced her into her boots and dragged her out the door. It was terrible. In that moment I was believing my story and I was being The Boss instead of The Leader.
Some parents might say, "Well, she should have left when you told her it was time. And besides, you had to take care of the baby so the older child can't always get what she wants." It's easy to get sucked into believing that story. But I know it to be false. If I had played out that horrible, aggressive reaction in my head (rather than doing it for real) I would have experienced how terrible I was going to feel afterwards. I would have seen her sad face and scared little eyes in my mind and I would have chosen a different course of action. How do I know I did the wrong thing? Because of the guilt I felt afterwards! Guilt is always your heart's way of telling you that you made the wrong choice.
Through my phone sessions with my life coach Tara Wagner (The Organic Sister) and through reading, watching and listening to The Work of Byron Katie, I have become much, much better at stopping my reactions and doing some self-analysis. By keeping my connection with my children as my top priority, I have learned to control my sharp tongue, offer more validation and listen better to their needs.
4. Some parents are not confident doing things differently from their family and friends.
Do you know how many times in a week I hear the phrase "Wow. You're brave." It's always in regards to how I have 4 young children, or how we don't send our children to school, or how we practice selective vaccinations, or how we are six people living in a 2-bedroom bungalow, or how we swing amortage in Toronto on one income, or how....whatever. And it never means that the speaker thinks I am a woman of courage. It means that the speaker thinks I am a total oddball who is doing everything completely differently from the mainstream.
Well, good. Because I AM doing everything differently from the mainstream. And I am completely confident in my choices. I know what I value. I know my priorities. I believe in my ability to learn and grow and change and create so that my family and I can live the life of Freedom and Joy that we all want and deserve.
But I totally understand that not every parent feels as confident as I do about making choices that are different from what everyone else does. I have 2 friends who are really uncertain about sending their children to public school. Neither of them want their children to be 'different' but neither of them is convinced that public school is the right place for their children. One of the mothers, after a year of uncertainty, has decided to try part-time schooling. The other mother has enrolled her child but is 'fighting' with the school principal about accommodating her daughter's needs. BOTH mothers have made big, BIG choices to go against the mainstream in making decisions about their children. Simply questioning the status quo is an ENORMOUS act of courage sometimes, and I have nothing but admiration for these two moms for having the confidence to act against the mainstream.
5. Some parents are looking for a technique to create a certain behaviour in their children.
Aaah, this is a biggee, my friends. Most parents buy parenting books because they are looking for a set of strategies or techniques to 'fix' their child. Naomi's book will not fix anything about your child because Naomi's philosophy is that there is nothing wrong with your child. The only thing that Naomi's strategies will fix is the parents' reactions to their child. Her ideas and techniques are all about trusting the child and deepening the parent-child relationship.
If you are looking for ways to make your child conform or comply (which most mainstream parents want more than anything) then this is absolutely the wrong book for you. The strategies in this book will only work in so much as the parent is willing to change, adapt, reflect, question and lead. There are no rules, no punishments, no incentives, no rewards and no techniques that will change your child into someone better. There is only Trust, Freedom, Autonomy and Joy. When parents are willing to open their hearts to living their own Trust, Freedom, Autonomy and Joy, they will simply open up every relationship to experience the same things.
I believe it is possible for everyone to choose a parenting trajectory that brings Freedom and Joy to their families. Not everyone who reads Naomi's book is ready to begin that journey.
How about you? Do you have any further questions about how I have used Naomi Aldort's parenting advice to find Freedom and Joy in my relationships with my children? Did something in this post resonate with you? Please leave a comment or consider sending me a private email.
Freedom and Joy to you and yours, my kind friends and followers.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Connection, Communication, Compassion
Welcome to the July Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Philosophy
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared their parenting practices and how they fit in with their parenting purpose. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***
My parenting journey has already taken me on a route I could never have imagined before my children were born. I was a career-driven woman, proud of my university degrees, moving up the ladder of success. At 30, I was completing my Masters degree and I was just a couple of years away from becoming a vice-principal. I owned a swanky downtown condominium. I really thought I had things figured out.
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Then I had a baby. Then I had a few more.
I understood a little about Attachment Parenting in the early days of motherhood. And when we decided not to send our kids to school I learned a lot more.
Along my journey I discovered Naomi Aldort and her book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. I discovered Nonviolent Communication. I learned about living organically. And most recently I discovered The Work of Byron Katie.
All of these ideas have helped to shape my parenting practices and I have synthesized them into 3 C's.
Along with these 3 C's I have also come to develop an understanding of the importance of 4 EXPERIENCES OF TRUST.
It's all about the relationship. Because if the relationship isn't the priority, then what is?
Have you synthesized several parenting 'philosophies' into one that makes sense for you?
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared their parenting practices and how they fit in with their parenting purpose. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***
My parenting journey has already taken me on a route I could never have imagined before my children were born. I was a career-driven woman, proud of my university degrees, moving up the ladder of success. At 30, I was completing my Masters degree and I was just a couple of years away from becoming a vice-principal. I owned a swanky downtown condominium. I really thought I had things figured out.
I understood a little about Attachment Parenting in the early days of motherhood. And when we decided not to send our kids to school I learned a lot more.
Along my journey I discovered Naomi Aldort and her book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. I discovered Nonviolent Communication. I learned about living organically. And most recently I discovered The Work of Byron Katie.
All of these ideas have helped to shape my parenting practices and I have synthesized them into 3 C's.
- Connection Whenever I am feeling conflicted or confused about sleep, food or freedom, I ask myself Are my actions going to sustain and deepen my connection with my child or drive a wedge between us?
- Communication When anger or frustration bubbles, I stop to choose words that are gentle. I ask myself Will my child feel loved or separated by my words?
- Compassion When I am overwhelmed (or my child is), I remember that my child is still new to the experience of LIFE and that I am the adult with the power to help or hurt.
Along with these 3 C's I have also come to develop an understanding of the importance of 4 EXPERIENCES OF TRUST.
- The mother must trust her instinct to do what is best for her children.
- The mother must trust her children to signal their authentic needs.
- The children must freely trust that the mother is acting in their best interests. (This happens when a child's trust has not been violated.)
- The mother must open her heart to accept the authentic trust of the children.
It's all about the relationship. Because if the relationship isn't the priority, then what is?
Have you synthesized several parenting 'philosophies' into one that makes sense for you?
***
Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon July 12 with all the carnival links.)
- Between Love and Fear: On Raising our Children Sensibly — Mamma Earthly at Give an Earthly discusses the fear factor in parenting and how she overcame it, despite societal pressures.
- really, when do i get my cape? — Sarah at small bird on fire is a working city mama trying to learn how to set aside her expectations of perfection and embrace the reality of modern parenting.
- Baby, Infant, and Toddler Wearing — Child wearing is part of Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured's parenting philosophy. In this post, Sarah describes benefits of child-wearing and gives tips for wearing babies, infants, and toddlers (even while pregnant).
- First Year Reflections — As her daughter's first birthday approaches, Holly at First Year Reflections reflects on how she and her husband settled into attachment parenting after initially doing what they thought everyone else did.
- Making an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a guest post from Sam about the unexpected lessons giving a four-year-old an allowance teaches the child — and the parent.
- How to be a Lazy Parent and Still Raise Great Kids — Lisa at Granola Catholic talks about how being a Lazy Parent has helped her to raise Great Kids.
- Philosophy in Practice — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares how her heart shaped the parenting philosophy in her home.
- What is Attachment Parenting Anyway? — Gaby at Tmuffin describes the challenges of putting a label on her parenting philosophy.
- Of Parenting Styles — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom talks about how she and her husband tailored various parenting styles to fit their own preferred parenting philosophy.
- Moment by Moment Parenting — Amy at Peace 4 Parents encourages those who care for children (including herself) to explore and appreciate parenting moment-by-moment with clarity, intention, trust, and action.
- Maintaining Spirituality in the Midst of Everyday Parenting, Marriage, and Life — Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured shares her perspective on finding opportunities for spiritual growth in every day life.
- Parenting Philosophy — Lily, aka Witch Mom's parenting philosophy is to raise child(ren) to be compassionate, loving, inquisitive, and questioning adults who can be trusted to make decisions for themselves in a way that avoids harming others.
- Long Term — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis thinks about who she would like to see her daughter become — and what she can do now to lay a strong foundation for those hopes.
- Connection, Communication, Compassion — She's come a long way, baby! After dropping her career in favour of motherhood, Patti at Jazzy Mama discovered that building solid relationships was going to be her only parenting priority.
- My Parenting Inspirations - Part 4 — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at her biggest parenting inspiration and how that translates into her long-term parenting philosophy.
- A Parenting Philosophy in One Word: Respect — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction summarizes her parenting and relationship philosophy in one word: respect.
- Knowledge and Instinct — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that knowledge and instinct are super important … as are love, encouragement and respect. It's the ideal combo needed to raise happy and healthy children and in turn create meaningful relationships with them.
- THRIVE! — The Sparkle Mama wants to set a tone of confidence, abundance, and happiness in her home that will be the foundation for the rest of her daughter's life.
- On Children — "Your children are not your children," say Kahlil Gibran and Hannah at Wild Parenting.
- This One Life Together — Ariadne aka Mudpiemama shares her philosophy of parenting: living fully in the here and now and building the foundation for a happy and healthy life.
- Enjoying life and planning for a bright future — Olivia at Write About Birth shares her most important parenting dilemmas and pours out her heart about past trauma and how healing made her a better parent.
- My Parenting Philosophy: Unconditional and Natural Love — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about her parenting philosophy from a year of following her instincts as a mama.
- An open letter to my children — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine writes an open letter to her children.
- My Starter Kit for Unconditional Parenting — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses her wish to raise a good person and summarizes some of the nontraditional practices she's using with her toddler son in order to fulfill that wish.
- Responsiveness — Sheila at A Gift Universe has many philosophies and goals, but what it all boils down to is responsiveness: listening to what her son wants and providing what he needs.
- Tools for Creating Your Parenting Philosophy — Have you ever really thought about your parenting purpose? Knowing your long-term goals can help you parent with more intent in your daily interactions. Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers exercises and ideas to help you create your own parenting philosophy.
- Be a Daisy — Becky at Old New Legacy philosophizes about individuality and how she thinks it's important for her daughter's growth.
- What's a Mama to Do? — Amyables at Toddler in Tow hopes that her dedication to compassionate parenting will keep her children from becoming too self-critical as adults.
- grown-up anxieties. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life explains her lone worry concerning her babies growing up.
- Why I Used Montessori Principles in My Parenting Philosophy — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells why she chose Montessori principles to help her now-adult children develop qualities she wanted to see in them as children and adults.
- Parenting Philosophies & Planning for the Future — Momma Jorje considers that the future is maybe just a fringe benefit of doing what feels right now.
- Not Just Getting Through — Rachael at The Variegated Life asks what truths she hopes to express even in the most commonplace interactions with her son.
- Parenting Philosophy? Eh... — Ana at Pandamoly shares the philosophy (or lack thereof) being employed to (hopefully) raise a respectful, loving, and responsible child.
- Parenting Philosophy: Being Present — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses the changes her family has made to accommodate their parenting philosophy and to reflect their ideals as working parents.
- Who They Will Be — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro shares a short list of some qualities she hopes she is instilling in her children at this very moment.
- Short Term vs. Long Term — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes recounts how long term parenting goals often get lost in the details of everyday life with two kids.
- Parenting Philosophy: Practicing and Nurturing Peace — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle sets personal goals for developing greater peace.
- Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 1: The Yamas — In part 1 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie guest posts at Natural Parents Network about how the Yoga Sutras provide a framework for her parenting philosophy.
- Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 2: The Niyamas — In part 2 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie explores how the Niyamas (one of the eight limbs in traditional Yoga) help her maintain her parenting and life focus.
- Our Sample Parenting Plan — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey shares hopes of who her children will become and parenting strategies she employs to get them there.
- Philosophical Parenting: Letting Go — Jona at Life, Intertwined ponders the notion that there's no right answer when it comes to parenting.
- Unphilosophizing? — jessica at instead of institutions wonders about the usefulness of navel gazing.
- Parenting Sensitively — Amy at Anktangle uses her sensitivity to mother her child in ways that both nurture and affirm.
- how to nurture your relationships — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog believes that sometimes all kids need is a jolly good listening to …
- Philosophy Of An Unnatural Parent — Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum sees parenting as a process of guiding her children to develop the skills they'll need.
- Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child.
- Flying by the Seat of My Pants — Heather at Very Nearly Hippy has realized that she has no idea what she's doing.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
More on The Culture of More
Last week I wrote about how my daughter Anna is trapped in The Culture of More. The More she has, the More she wants.
I wrote about how I knew that I needed to give her more attention so that she would feel my love through my actions more than through my gifts of stuff. I had strategies for showing her how much I love her. I felt smart and thoughtful and on the ball as I wrote about how I would make her feel loved.
I felt superior. Yeah, really. I felt superior to all the people I know who just keep throwing more stuff at their kids. Yet even as I hit Publish I felt inauthentic. There was really something missing from that story. Yes, I knew I needed to give Anna more attention and I even had a few strategies for connecting with her more, but I was just missing something that I couldn't quite nail down and express fully.
Then today I read a fabulous piece by Jen, over at A Path Less Taken. It's called Entitlement. She writes of how she didn't grow up with a sense of Entitlement, in spite of been given to in abundance as a child and she explains this by saying that she had a strongly connected relationship with her parents. I love what she says about giving abundantly to our children:
In reading Jen's words I was able to figure out what I was missing in my thoughts about my relationship with Anna. I was thinking that if I gave her more attention she would stop asking me for more stuff.
Yeah. Pretty sneaky and manipulative, eh?
It feels good and right to give to those we love.
Wow. The reason my previous thoughts on The Culture of More felt inauthentic to me was because I was trying to achieve the specific goal of making daughter stop asking for more stuff. I was so wrong. It DOES feel good and right to give those we love. And I love my daughter more than I can even explain!
When I am holding back from giving to her---whether it's a toy or attention or more honey on her toast--I am actually holding back my love from her. I am able to admit that honestly now. There is something about her need for me to give to her abundantly that awakens in me a fear of intimacy. A fear of being taken advantage of. A fear of being taken for granted. A fear that nothing I ever do for her will be enough.
So now I have to go back--Go Deeper--and figure out where that fear is coming from. Am I afraid of being part of a relationship with my daughter where I feel free to give to her abundantly in every way as an expression of my love for her? NO. My fear is that I am unworthy of being the recipient of that kind of love.
Wow.
So where do I go from here? I offer abundant love to my daughter. I open myself to the possibility of accepting abundance from those who love me. I unburden myself of the idea that I am unworthy. I free my heart to heal past wounds and to seek greater connections.
Do conflicts with your children ever cause you to examine the fears that you hold deep inside? How do you reconnect?
Please note that this is an affiliate link.
I wrote about how I knew that I needed to give her more attention so that she would feel my love through my actions more than through my gifts of stuff. I had strategies for showing her how much I love her. I felt smart and thoughtful and on the ball as I wrote about how I would make her feel loved.
I felt superior. Yeah, really. I felt superior to all the people I know who just keep throwing more stuff at their kids. Yet even as I hit Publish I felt inauthentic. There was really something missing from that story. Yes, I knew I needed to give Anna more attention and I even had a few strategies for connecting with her more, but I was just missing something that I couldn't quite nail down and express fully.
Then today I read a fabulous piece by Jen, over at A Path Less Taken. It's called Entitlement. She writes of how she didn't grow up with a sense of Entitlement, in spite of been given to in abundance as a child and she explains this by saying that she had a strongly connected relationship with her parents. I love what she says about giving abundantly to our children:
Why not give freely and abundantly to your children just as you would to any person that you love? I want to give all that I can to my kids, just as my parents gave all that they could to me. Not because they've "badgered" me into it, not because I want them to like me, and not because it keeps them quiet (all reasons I see touted over and over again...) but because it feels good and right to give to those we love. To give our time, our attention, our love, our companionship. To give our acceptance and our unconditional support. And yes, to give when we can those toys, games, and "things" that make their lives a little more fun or interesting or exciting. We give freely to our kids, and they in turn give freely to others.This is so much more than generosity, isn't it? I have often said that generosity is not one of my greatest characteristics. I tend to be not just selfish but also moralistic: Why should I give ________? I don't remember anyone falling all over themselves to help me when I needed it. Let them help themselves.
In reading Jen's words I was able to figure out what I was missing in my thoughts about my relationship with Anna. I was thinking that if I gave her more attention she would stop asking me for more stuff.
Yeah. Pretty sneaky and manipulative, eh?
It feels good and right to give to those we love.
Wow. The reason my previous thoughts on The Culture of More felt inauthentic to me was because I was trying to achieve the specific goal of making daughter stop asking for more stuff. I was so wrong. It DOES feel good and right to give those we love. And I love my daughter more than I can even explain!
When I am holding back from giving to her---whether it's a toy or attention or more honey on her toast--I am actually holding back my love from her. I am able to admit that honestly now. There is something about her need for me to give to her abundantly that awakens in me a fear of intimacy. A fear of being taken advantage of. A fear of being taken for granted. A fear that nothing I ever do for her will be enough.
So now I have to go back--Go Deeper--and figure out where that fear is coming from. Am I afraid of being part of a relationship with my daughter where I feel free to give to her abundantly in every way as an expression of my love for her? NO. My fear is that I am unworthy of being the recipient of that kind of love.
Wow.
So where do I go from here? I offer abundant love to my daughter. I open myself to the possibility of accepting abundance from those who love me. I unburden myself of the idea that I am unworthy. I free my heart to heal past wounds and to seek greater connections.
Do conflicts with your children ever cause you to examine the fears that you hold deep inside? How do you reconnect?
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Friday, June 3, 2011
The Culture of More
One of my daughters has become firmly entrenched in The Culture of More.
Do you know about the Culture of More? This is a culture where More is never Enough. Every possession presents a problem which could, apparently, be rectified by the addition of another possession. If having one of something is good, then having two is better, having six is desirable, and not having at least ten results in sadness and despondency.
I'm not sure which I hate more: The Culture of More or Candy Culture.
At least with the Candy Culture I was able to feel completely self-righteous because it is the OTHER adult in our house who brings home candy. But when it comes to The Culture of More, I have only myself to blame.
Yes, you read that correctly: I created The Culture of More which my daughter is so dependent on. This, in spite of my constant attempt to bring less of everything into this house. I created a situation where my daughter feels loved when she receives a gift and the more she gets from her parents the more she wants to feel the love so the more she asks for more. Did you follow that?
So how do I solve this? How do I get my daughter to stop asking for more (stuffed animals, Littlest Pet Shops, My Little Ponies, books, markers, crayons, stickers, Barbies, DVDs) all day, every day?
The short answer is: Stop buying her stuff.
That would be the wrong answer.
If my daughter feels loved when her parents give her gifts then the solution is to make her feel loved in other ways. The goal is not to change her behaviour. The goal is to strengthen the relationship.
Because if the relationship isn't the priority, then what is?
When one of your children behaves in a way that brings out your frustration, how do YOU reconnect?
Do you know about the Culture of More? This is a culture where More is never Enough. Every possession presents a problem which could, apparently, be rectified by the addition of another possession. If having one of something is good, then having two is better, having six is desirable, and not having at least ten results in sadness and despondency.
I'm not sure which I hate more: The Culture of More or Candy Culture.
At least with the Candy Culture I was able to feel completely self-righteous because it is the OTHER adult in our house who brings home candy. But when it comes to The Culture of More, I have only myself to blame.
Yes, you read that correctly: I created The Culture of More which my daughter is so dependent on. This, in spite of my constant attempt to bring less of everything into this house. I created a situation where my daughter feels loved when she receives a gift and the more she gets from her parents the more she wants to feel the love so the more she asks for more. Did you follow that?
So how do I solve this? How do I get my daughter to stop asking for more (stuffed animals, Littlest Pet Shops, My Little Ponies, books, markers, crayons, stickers, Barbies, DVDs) all day, every day?
The short answer is: Stop buying her stuff.
That would be the wrong answer.
If my daughter feels loved when her parents give her gifts then the solution is to make her feel loved in other ways. The goal is not to change her behaviour. The goal is to strengthen the relationship.
- Offer unconditional acceptance. Even if I am sick to death of hearing my daughter ask for more stuff, I have to show her that SHE is more important than her behaviour. I must hold back my critical words and instead, show her by word and by gesture, that my relationship with her is safe. Her worth and importance to me must always be in evidence. LESSON: Listen more, talk less.
- Seize every opportunity. Whenever my daughter is engaged in enjoying her world, I must make eye contact and smile so that she sees the warmth and pleasure I am offering. If possible, offer physical contact. Touch is such a valuable way of showing love and too often an older child will get less because the younger child demands so much hands-on attention. The hunger for physical contact never goes away. LESSON: More hugs.
- Give lots of space. I must accept that my daughter is sensitive to coercion or being bossed around. She requires acknowledgement of herself as a separate person. I must put away any anger, frustration or force. To be an individual is to have one's own meanings, ideas and boundaries. I must delight in who she is in this moment. LESSON: More respect.
- Surprise her with love. It is not enough to just meet her needs as she expresses them. I must show her the value of our relationship by initiating attention, affection and recognition. I must seize the moment and invite contact when she is not expecting it. LESSON: Love more freely.
Because if the relationship isn't the priority, then what is?
When one of your children behaves in a way that brings out your frustration, how do YOU reconnect?
Friday, March 11, 2011
Raising Myself
Yesterday Holly bit Anna. She left some serious teeth marks on Anna's chest and even broke the skin a little. Holly is 5 and Anna is almost 7. We are not immune to these types of incidents.
When I heard Anna scream and cry "Holly bit me!", I came immediately. I started with a sharp "Holly!" but then I stopped myself.
I knew I needed to handle this without lecturing Holly. She already knew that biting was not an acceptable form of self-expression at our house. And since Anna was crying, I needed to give her my immediate attention and talk to Holly when I was calmer.
I asked Holly to wait for me in the kitchen. This was not a time-out. I simply needed Holly to be away from me and Anna so that I could console and comfort Anna without distraction. Anna cried for a few minutes and then said, "I want to go to the table and colour."
I turned my attention to Holly. I still didn't know what I was going to say to her. And inside my head my mind's computer was playing: I can't BELIEVE she did that. Why would she bite her sister?! What is wrong with HER? What is wrong with ME? MY KIDS DON'T ACT LIKE THIS!
At a loss for words, the minutes ticked by. Eventually Holly said, "Mom, I want to colour too." I smiled and nodded. She took a few steps toward the table then turned back to me with the saddest face ever.
"Do you want to colour?" I asked.
"Yes," and now her tears came flowing, "but I don't know if I can sit beside Anna."
"Are you afraid that Anna won't want to sit with you because you bit her?"
Holly nodded.
I gathered her all into my arms and held her while she cried and when she settled down I looked into her eyes and said, "Holly, I love you. Even when you make a mistake, I love you. I think Anna still loves you even though you bit her. Do you want me to ask her if you can sit at the table with her?"
Anna made room for Holly and in a few minutes they were sharing markers and telling stories and laughing at each other's pictures. The incident was over.
Later at bedtime I made time to be alone with Holly and I said "Do you remember that I asked you wait in the kitchen this morning after you bit Anna? I wasn't trying to punish you, Holly. I wanted to take care of Anna and I wanted to think before I talked to you. I didn't want to yell at you and I needed time to think first and not be angry."
And she said, "I know."
I'm really proud of how I handled myself. And I'm really proud of Holly for calming down and reconnecting with me and with Anna. And I'm really proud of Anna for forgiving Holly almost instantly.
I have not always been able to turn my focus to the relationship when I am angry or frustrated or impatient. (A recent episode involving brownies on the carpet comes to mind.)
Here's what Naomi Aldort says in her book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves:
When I heard Anna scream and cry "Holly bit me!", I came immediately. I started with a sharp "Holly!" but then I stopped myself.
I knew I needed to handle this without lecturing Holly. She already knew that biting was not an acceptable form of self-expression at our house. And since Anna was crying, I needed to give her my immediate attention and talk to Holly when I was calmer.
I asked Holly to wait for me in the kitchen. This was not a time-out. I simply needed Holly to be away from me and Anna so that I could console and comfort Anna without distraction. Anna cried for a few minutes and then said, "I want to go to the table and colour."
I turned my attention to Holly. I still didn't know what I was going to say to her. And inside my head my mind's computer was playing: I can't BELIEVE she did that. Why would she bite her sister?! What is wrong with HER? What is wrong with ME? MY KIDS DON'T ACT LIKE THIS!
At a loss for words, the minutes ticked by. Eventually Holly said, "Mom, I want to colour too." I smiled and nodded. She took a few steps toward the table then turned back to me with the saddest face ever.
"Do you want to colour?" I asked.
"Yes," and now her tears came flowing, "but I don't know if I can sit beside Anna."
"Are you afraid that Anna won't want to sit with you because you bit her?"
Holly nodded.
I gathered her all into my arms and held her while she cried and when she settled down I looked into her eyes and said, "Holly, I love you. Even when you make a mistake, I love you. I think Anna still loves you even though you bit her. Do you want me to ask her if you can sit at the table with her?"
Anna made room for Holly and in a few minutes they were sharing markers and telling stories and laughing at each other's pictures. The incident was over.
Later at bedtime I made time to be alone with Holly and I said "Do you remember that I asked you wait in the kitchen this morning after you bit Anna? I wasn't trying to punish you, Holly. I wanted to take care of Anna and I wanted to think before I talked to you. I didn't want to yell at you and I needed time to think first and not be angry."
And she said, "I know."
I'm really proud of how I handled myself. And I'm really proud of Holly for calming down and reconnecting with me and with Anna. And I'm really proud of Anna for forgiving Holly almost instantly.
Here's what Naomi Aldort says in her book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves:
It takes time and practice to master such awareness. After all, we have grown in a culture where negating is automatic, a culture that taught us to identify with the automatic words of our minds. We negate so unthinkingly that it does not even represent what we really think or feel; we are not being authentic. Yet, it won't help you if you start judging yourself for having such human thoughts. You are raising you too; be kind to yourself. Start by making a simple agreement with yourself: When upset, do not say the first words that come to your mind; those are bound to negate and hurt someone.Yes, I am raising myself. And I think I'm going to turn out just fine.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The Sleep Challenge
I'm out on a new limb here. It's part of parenting authentically but it's scaring me a little.
No bedtimes. For anyone.
I call myself a co-sleeper, but sleeping next too my nursing baby and laying down with my 6 1/2 year old until she falls asleep are two scenarios at completely different ends of the co-sleeping spectrum. Until this week I had been combining these two activities in order to make my life a little easier. That means that I was laying down to nurse the baby to sleep and all the children would go to sleep at the same time. Sometimes I had to stay in the room for an hour or more until everyone was asleep. I didn't mind because I figured there was a pay-off: an hour or two of time in the evening with all the children asleep.
But for the last month Anna has been complaining every night that she's not tired at bedtime. Some nights she would lay down, complain that she wasn't tired, and then be sound asleep in 5 minutes. But other nights she would lay there awake for an hour or more and I would be ready to get up (to do my own thing for a while) but I would stay and stay and stay until she fell asleep. I started to feel bad for me and bad for her and I knew that I needed a new solution.
Yes, it's been pretty nice to be able to put all my kids to bed at the same time every night. I keep a strict policy that no one at my house should ever have to cry themselves to sleep (well, I've cried myself to sleep a few times, but not at this house...). The baby nurses for 20-30 minutes while I sing to Jasmine. Anna and Holly typically sing or talk to themselves or their stuffed animals for a while before falling asleep. And I rarely leave the room until everyone is asleep. I've enjoyed my evenings spent at the computer or watching TV or reading or talking on the phone. Sometimes I even give Partner-Guy a little attention.
So it took me a month of listening to Anna complain for me to be willing to look for a solution. There were a few problems I had to figure out. First, if she stayed up later, then Holly and Jasmine would almost certainly want to stay up later too. Second, when Anna was ready to go to bed she would want me to lay down with her and I couldn't picture giving up 'my time' in the evenings to lay down twice. Third, she would likely start wanting to stay up until I went to bed and then she would end up too tired and miserable the next day. Fourth, my private time with Partner-Guy is already pretty limited and letting her impose on his quiet evening might create problems between he and I.
But the thing about Authentic Parenting is that parents have to trust and respect kids. I didn't feel good about controlling Anna by making her go to bed at a certain time just to accommodate me. And my list of problems is really just a list of my own fears. So I decided to face my fears, let her stay up and just see what would happen.
So the first few nights Jasmine and Holly wanted to stay up too. As it turned out, Julian was fussing around and he stayed up a little later too. By the time Julian was ready for bed, Jasmine was ready to go to bed too. Holly was afraid she would miss the opportunity to lay down with me, so she came to bed at a reasonable time too. I was relieved that Holly and Jasmine were able to listen to the cues of their own bodies telling them that it was time to sleep.
But Anna is really committed to doing things her own way. She knows when she is feeling tired but, as I kind of predicted, she wants to stay up until I go to bed. So far I am finding the patience to let her do as she pleases. I have told her that I need the evenings to do the things that I enjoy and that I can't do during the day when all 4 kids need my attention. She will figure out whether she wants to stay up or go to bed by herself (with her sleeping sisters, of course) or go to bed earlier when the others are going to bed. I am willing to let her figure this out for herself and hopefully she will sort it out in the next couple of weeks.
I admit that it's hard for me to let go of bedtimes. Ultimately, bedtimes are a mainstream idea which mainstream parents use to control their children in order to fulfil their own belief that they deserve time to themselves. It's getting rid of the children under the guise of 'they need their sleep.' And I agree that children need adequate sleep for all the same reasons that mainstream parents would list. But maybe it's OK for children to get their sleep on their own terms? So just like I don't make Julian take a nap just because I think he must be getting tired, maybe I shouldn't make Anna go to bed just because I think she must be getting tired. And I have a big advantage over mainstream parents--my children don't have to get out of bed and race off to school every morning. If we go to bed later at night we simply sleep later in the morning. Now that's freedom and joy, isn't it?
Parenting is not meant to be done in a way that is convenient for the parents but shows no regard for the needs of the children. I am learning this. And I admit that it is hard for me to let go of this aspect of control. I have a lot of fears and letting any of them go is a challenge. I have had to carefully consider the topic of sleep now that my children are not babies anymore. Putting a 6-year-old to bed against her will is no different than putting a baby down to cry himself to sleep in that both are done to serve the parent's agenda and not for the good of the child. I must not be a hypocrite in this regard.
I am grateful to Anna for teaching me this lesson.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Confessions of a (Sometimes Immature) Mother
Just look at this boy! Julian sure is full of surprises.
It was enough surprise that he turned out to be a boy (still getting used to that) AND that he arrived in only 1 1/2 hours of labour AND that he weighed over 10 pounds.
But now it turns out he's going to be a thumb-sucker.
Anna and Holly both had soothers by the time they were about 6 weeks old. Actually, I think I gave the soother to Anna at only 3 weeks. I had a soother when I was a baby and I guess I thought that if it had been OK for me to have one that it was OK for my babies to have one. Also, Partner-Guy believed that babies with soothers cry less and he was terrified of crying babies, so I thought a soother couldn't hurt.
When Jasmine was born I knew that I didn't want her to have a soother. I had learned at La Leche League that it is healthier for a baby to satisfy herself at the breast and I had learned from experience that once a soother is given it must eventually be taken away. I had urged Anna to give up her soother which she eventually did at 3 years 8 months of age. Holly had agreed to give up her soother when she was 3 years old but when the day came she clearly wasn't ready and so she picked a date further in the future and she stuck to it and gave it up without the slightest hesitation. But it was a milestone that I would have preferred to do without.
So no soother for Julian either.
And I do love seeing his little hand groping all over his face as his eager little lips seek out his thumb. It's just one of the many little details that make him different from his sisters. And he is different. But all babies are unique, right? And his gender doesn't matter, right? And I can't assume that everything about him is related to him being a boy, right?
The truth is, it's not just that I actively wanted another girl. I actually didn't want a boy. Partner-Guy was more of the we-just-want-a-healthy-baby mindset, but I really couldn't picture myself birthing a boy and raising a son. From before Julian was even conceived we were referring to the next baby as a girl and even Anna, Holly and Jasmine referred to the baby throughout the pregnancy by the girl-name we had chosen. One of my friends, a mother of two boys, had given me bags and bags of boy-clothes just in case and I couldn't even bring myself to look at them. I was convinced that we were having another girl who I could dress in all the beautiful clothes of her older sisters. In fact, for Julian's first two weeks with us he wore nothing but white undershirts because I couldn't stand the thought of dressing him in blue for the rest of his life.
And it wasn't just the clothes that swung my bias against boys. I had been to La Leche League for 5 years and every baby boy I had seen either looked like a clown or was just plain ugly. Whenever one of my friends or acquaintances would have a baby I would dread having to come up with something positive to say if the baby was a boy. Five of my friends do have sons and I genuinely try to be as kind to their sons as to their daughters, but it requires a dedicated effort and it doesn't come to me very naturally.
So what created this anti-boy sentiment in me? Is it the bad experiences I've had with men, related and otherwise? (I've been known to comment "Why would I want a son....they just grow up to be men.) Is it that most of the mothers I know who have sons let them act like brats and seem completely oblivious to their behaviour? Is it that boys tend to do worse in school than girls? Is it that I don't think any boy could ever be as wonderful as my daughters?
I don't know. But I do know that I think it is much harder to raise a boy than to raise a girl. The pressures on boys are different and more complicated than the pressures on girls in modern society. I mean, in a simplified way, girls face the pressure to be beautiful and successful, attributes which are not mutually exclusive. But boys face the pressure to be both nurturing and macho, or to be both serious and playful. I'm not sure I understand enough about what makes a man great to raise a great man.
But this is where Authentic Parenting comes in. All I really want for Julian is for him to achieve his full potential, just as that is what I want for his sisters. I want to celebrate his emotions, his milestones and his relationships with the same fervour that I have for his sisters. He's my baby who just happens to be a boy.
And I do LOVE him with all the fervour that I love my daughters. Loving him has nothing to do with his gender. I don't love him for WHAT he is, but simply because he IS.
Still, I wish I could get over the little nagging sing-songy voice in my head that keeps taunting me: You got a boy-oy. You got a boy-oy. I feel like it's telling me all the things that make me cringe whenever I hear them. Things like, boys are different, just wait 'til YOU have a boy, boys will be boys. I don't want to raise a mainstream boy. I want to raise a boy who is nothing like most boys I know. Am I going to have to work on getting over THAT? I don't want to give him trucks to play with. I want him to play Playmobil and read books and draw pictures and watch Little House on the Prairie with his sisters. But I want him be himself and do what comes naturally to him without any of my ideas or any mainstream ideas eithers. I may not be mature enough to handle this. It's a good thing Julian has a Dad.
And no, I don't think my boy-baby looks like a clown. He is absolutely beautiful.
It was enough surprise that he turned out to be a boy (still getting used to that) AND that he arrived in only 1 1/2 hours of labour AND that he weighed over 10 pounds.But now it turns out he's going to be a thumb-sucker.
Anna and Holly both had soothers by the time they were about 6 weeks old. Actually, I think I gave the soother to Anna at only 3 weeks. I had a soother when I was a baby and I guess I thought that if it had been OK for me to have one that it was OK for my babies to have one. Also, Partner-Guy believed that babies with soothers cry less and he was terrified of crying babies, so I thought a soother couldn't hurt.
When Jasmine was born I knew that I didn't want her to have a soother. I had learned at La Leche League that it is healthier for a baby to satisfy herself at the breast and I had learned from experience that once a soother is given it must eventually be taken away. I had urged Anna to give up her soother which she eventually did at 3 years 8 months of age. Holly had agreed to give up her soother when she was 3 years old but when the day came she clearly wasn't ready and so she picked a date further in the future and she stuck to it and gave it up without the slightest hesitation. But it was a milestone that I would have preferred to do without.
So no soother for Julian either.
And I do love seeing his little hand groping all over his face as his eager little lips seek out his thumb. It's just one of the many little details that make him different from his sisters. And he is different. But all babies are unique, right? And his gender doesn't matter, right? And I can't assume that everything about him is related to him being a boy, right?
The truth is, it's not just that I actively wanted another girl. I actually didn't want a boy. Partner-Guy was more of the we-just-want-a-healthy-baby mindset, but I really couldn't picture myself birthing a boy and raising a son. From before Julian was even conceived we were referring to the next baby as a girl and even Anna, Holly and Jasmine referred to the baby throughout the pregnancy by the girl-name we had chosen. One of my friends, a mother of two boys, had given me bags and bags of boy-clothes just in case and I couldn't even bring myself to look at them. I was convinced that we were having another girl who I could dress in all the beautiful clothes of her older sisters. In fact, for Julian's first two weeks with us he wore nothing but white undershirts because I couldn't stand the thought of dressing him in blue for the rest of his life.
And it wasn't just the clothes that swung my bias against boys. I had been to La Leche League for 5 years and every baby boy I had seen either looked like a clown or was just plain ugly. Whenever one of my friends or acquaintances would have a baby I would dread having to come up with something positive to say if the baby was a boy. Five of my friends do have sons and I genuinely try to be as kind to their sons as to their daughters, but it requires a dedicated effort and it doesn't come to me very naturally.
So what created this anti-boy sentiment in me? Is it the bad experiences I've had with men, related and otherwise? (I've been known to comment "Why would I want a son....they just grow up to be men.) Is it that most of the mothers I know who have sons let them act like brats and seem completely oblivious to their behaviour? Is it that boys tend to do worse in school than girls? Is it that I don't think any boy could ever be as wonderful as my daughters?
I don't know. But I do know that I think it is much harder to raise a boy than to raise a girl. The pressures on boys are different and more complicated than the pressures on girls in modern society. I mean, in a simplified way, girls face the pressure to be beautiful and successful, attributes which are not mutually exclusive. But boys face the pressure to be both nurturing and macho, or to be both serious and playful. I'm not sure I understand enough about what makes a man great to raise a great man.
But this is where Authentic Parenting comes in. All I really want for Julian is for him to achieve his full potential, just as that is what I want for his sisters. I want to celebrate his emotions, his milestones and his relationships with the same fervour that I have for his sisters. He's my baby who just happens to be a boy.
And I do LOVE him with all the fervour that I love my daughters. Loving him has nothing to do with his gender. I don't love him for WHAT he is, but simply because he IS.
Still, I wish I could get over the little nagging sing-songy voice in my head that keeps taunting me: You got a boy-oy. You got a boy-oy. I feel like it's telling me all the things that make me cringe whenever I hear them. Things like, boys are different, just wait 'til YOU have a boy, boys will be boys. I don't want to raise a mainstream boy. I want to raise a boy who is nothing like most boys I know. Am I going to have to work on getting over THAT? I don't want to give him trucks to play with. I want him to play Playmobil and read books and draw pictures and watch Little House on the Prairie with his sisters. But I want him be himself and do what comes naturally to him without any of my ideas or any mainstream ideas eithers. I may not be mature enough to handle this. It's a good thing Julian has a Dad.
And no, I don't think my boy-baby looks like a clown. He is absolutely beautiful.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
More Photos
These are photos from when Julian was 4 weeks old. He's 6 weeks old today--which should indicate just how busy it is around here and how hard it is for me to get a few minutes on the computer!
Whenever I get the frantic, frazzled feeling that I am becoming overwhelmed with motherhood, I remember the line in "It's a Wonderful Life" when George Bailey (James Stewart) says to his wife, "What did we have all these kids for anyway?". Then I return to my 'parenting manual' for some advice and words of comfort.
In the nuclear family there is only one of each parent. The moment
there is another child, the scarcity of adult caregivers often creates
tension. Competition and self-doubt make themselves at home as though they
came attached to the new child. Who is better and who gets more
attention and love becomes the measure of one's worth. The challenge of
sibling rivalries is not a bad situation to be avoided, simply one to be aware
of, so it can provide an opportunity for growing and not for wilting. The
key to empowering your child in the face of a new sibling is your awareness of
her possible experience and your ability to stay connected and delighted with
her.
Naomi Aldort,
Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves, p. 235
So yes, I acknowledge that there is some competition at our house. Mostly it involves Jasmine who always seems to need me whenever I need to nurse Julian. I try to draw her to me as often as I can. Sometimes I can see that Holly is suffering from a lack of personal time with Mommy, but what's great about Holly is that she asserts her needs very well, and she even says
"I want to be alone with you again sometime soon." I do worry about Anna, who tends to be more aloof and less demanding than her sisters. It would be easy to take for granted that she just needs less attention, but I don't want her to feel that she is being pushed away or forgotten. After all, she has had to accept new siblings three times already. Sometimes she is a hard nut to crack and I have to remember to make an extra effort to make sure she knows she is loved and valued and appreciated.
photo credit: Julie Jay (again)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
How I Learned to Define ' Attachment Parenting'
A few months ago when my mother returned from visiting my brother after the birth of his greatly-desired and long-anticipated first child, she commented to me "They sure are into the attachment parenting." And with my many years of experience as a mother, I couldn't help but think sarcastically, "Yeah. Let's see what they're doing in 5 years."
It's not that I don't think my brother and his partner will be good parents. They are older than me, they are completely devoted to their roles as parents, they treasure their son and went through a lot to have him in their lives. They are well-read, well-adjusted and well-schooled. They have a wealth of life experiences that I can never hope to achieve. Their relationship with each other is already long and solid.
It's just that experience has shown me that even the most well-intentioned parents have a hard time committing to real attachment parenting after the baby-stage is over. My own experiences from 6 years of being a mother and my observations of mothers at La Leche League have taught me that the theories and practices that comprise the standard definition of 'attachment parenting' are much harder to keep in place as the baby becomes a toddler and a pre-schooler. In fact, one of the reasons why I resigned as a La Leche League leader last year was because I observed that many of the leaders (whose children were young like mine) were becoming more and more mainstream in their parenting practices as their children grew out of baby-hood.
When I was a new mother I thought I had a handle on the definition of attachment parenting. I had read the book by US paediatrician William Sears in which he set out a list of guidelines to describe attachment parenting. Generally speaking, his guidelines include:
It's not that I don't think my brother and his partner will be good parents. They are older than me, they are completely devoted to their roles as parents, they treasure their son and went through a lot to have him in their lives. They are well-read, well-adjusted and well-schooled. They have a wealth of life experiences that I can never hope to achieve. Their relationship with each other is already long and solid.
It's just that experience has shown me that even the most well-intentioned parents have a hard time committing to real attachment parenting after the baby-stage is over. My own experiences from 6 years of being a mother and my observations of mothers at La Leche League have taught me that the theories and practices that comprise the standard definition of 'attachment parenting' are much harder to keep in place as the baby becomes a toddler and a pre-schooler. In fact, one of the reasons why I resigned as a La Leche League leader last year was because I observed that many of the leaders (whose children were young like mine) were becoming more and more mainstream in their parenting practices as their children grew out of baby-hood.
When I was a new mother I thought I had a handle on the definition of attachment parenting. I had read the book by US paediatrician William Sears in which he set out a list of guidelines to describe attachment parenting. Generally speaking, his guidelines include:
- Gentle birth
- Breastfeeding on demand and child-led weaning
- Babywearing
- Bed-sharing
- Immediate response to crying
- Minimal separation of mother and baby
I followed these guidelines to a 'T' with Anna. In fact, there was no other way to care for Anna, as she cried whenever I put her down, she slept for no more than 45 minutes in the day before waking to nurse, and she would not stay with her dad for more than a few seconds if I left the room. I came to believe that attachment parenting meant having the child physically ON the mother, since even at 2 years old, Anna refused to be away from me for even a few minutes.
My understanding of attachment parenting began to change bit by bit when I started to ponder and research homeschooling. It was around Anna's 2nd birthday that I first began to think about homeschooling after a friend I had met at La Leche League told me that her husband was opposed to sending their daughter to school. I contacted the only person I knew at that time who was homeschooling, and she sent me the links to a variety of websites that she had found useful when she began homeschooling. I read through them, but nothing seemed to 'click' with me. Eventually, I ran across the term 'unschooling' and that eventually led me to the term 'authentic parenting'.
What I learned was that although I was following all the 'attachment parenting guidelines', I was doing it only for superficial reasons: I believed that by doing the things that Dr. Sears recommended (and La Leche League, also) I was a better mother than the cry-it-out, pro-daycare, pro-timeout crowd. Really, I had completely missed the point. I had been using a strategy but I had not fully committed to the essence of attachment which is the relationship.
I discovered unschooling through the website of Jan Hunt. It contains a wealth of articles by Hunt and others on parenting, health, learning and relationships. Jan Hunt's book is called The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart. She renames attachment parenting 'empathic parenting' and she describes it thus:
- We understand that all children are doing the very best they can at every given moment.
- We trust that though children may be small in size, they deserve to have their needs taken seriously.
- We know that it is unrealistic to expect a child to behave perfectly at all times.
- We recognize that "bad behaviour" is the child's attempt to communicate an important need in the best way she can.
- We learn to look beneath a child's outward behaviour to understand what he is thinking and feeling.
- We see that in a very beautiful way, our child teaches us what love is.
When reading through this list of 'guidelines' it is easy to see how they apply to children of any age. Unlike the list of guidelines from Dr. Sears, these principles focus on a way of being in a relationship with a child. Jan Hunt says in her book that people either 'get it' about children, or they don't. It is only recently that I have begun to 'get it'. Trusting and respecting the emotions and actions of children all the time is a completely new way of thinking for me. It involves letting go of my pre-conceived ideas and making myself vulnerable to the needs of my children. Hunt offers me a challenge as opposed to the Dr. Sears list which offered only a strategy.
Authentic Parenting is described and taught by Naomi Aldort in her book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. In the introduction she says
You will learn to nurture [your child] without shaping, like a gardener who
waters flowers, but doesn't help them open nor choose their shapes or
colors....In this book you will learn to let go of your armour and let love flow
through you with no strings attached.If we want our future as humanity to look different than how it looks now, we need to allow our children to create it out of who they are and not out of who we want them to be.
Parenting is a path of maturation and growth if we dare to learn more and teach less. When you have the courage to stop defending the way you are, or the way your parents raised you, you can open up to the possibility that you are much greater and more magnificent and capable than you thought you were. (excepts from pages xv, xvi and xvii)
Reading these words was a lightbulb-moment for me. It made sense. It explained what was missing from my strategy for attachment parenting. It opened my mind and my heart to what was wrong with me instead of focusing on what I perceived to be wrong with my child. It gave me the courage to change.
Once I began to focus more on my relationship with my children, and less on trying to achieve a particular result with them, I was finally able to take a deep breathe and relax into my mothering role. It was no longer a persona and I began to experience more joy and freedom. By the time Jasmine joined our family I had fully made the switch in my mind from attachment parenting as a strategy to attachment parenting as a relationship. In fact, I felt that Jasmine's birth was like a renewal for my relationships with Anna and Holly. I felt like I was getting a fresh start, and as I looked for and met Jasmine's needs I learned to look for and meet Anna and Holly's needs in the same authentic way.
And this is why I am skeptical about people who embrace the principals of attachment parenting with their infants but who have a vision of the future with their children that includes pre-school or daycare or sleep-training or punishments and rewards or public school or schedules or any other activities that require an otherwise dependent child to become prematurely independent. Quite frankly, it's not easy to offer trust and respect to children all day, everyday, especially when they are no longer tiny and helpless. A daughter who refuses to help clean up her dolls or another daughter who screams at her father for serving her food with the wrong sauce do not necessarily inspire consistent kindness and patience, trust and respect. It's hard.
But it's worth it. Focusing on the relationship instead of the behaviour removes the aspect of blame and maintains the equilibrium within the family. Attachment parenting is not a set of strategies. It is a way of life. It is a way of living with children. It is a way of loving that maximizes joy and freedom.
I'm learning. And I'm trying to share my experiences with anyone who wants to learn too.
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