Surrendering to Motherhood

This afternoon I nursed Julian to sleep for his nap and then I went off to hang out with his sisters for a while.  When he awoke about an hour later, I went into the bedroom where he was rubbing his eyes.  I picked him up, expecting him to want to play, but instead he melded his little body onto mine and fell instantly back to sleep.

I sat on the bed and carefully arranged a pillow behind my back as I leaned back against the headboard, preparing to hold him until he was ready to be awake.  With my eyes I focussed on the precious dip of his Cupid's Bow, wanting to remember its shape always.  With my breath I focussed on his warm exhale, wanting to remember his gentle breeze forever.  With my body I focussed on his warmth and on the way his long legs stretched across my thigh, wanting to remember his 16-month-old form for the rest of his life.

You see, these are the moments of motherhood that I cherish the most:  The Moments of  Surrender.  I look at it like this:
I can pay someone to fold my laundry and vacuum my floors and wash my windows.  And there's a Daddy at this house who can zip zippers and wipe bums and push kids on swings and even throw a meal on the table from time to time.  But when a little child at this house chooses my arms as his bed, my shoulder as his pillow, my warmth as his blanket and my breath as his favourite scent, then there is nothing to do but to surrender to his choice.

I am Unique in this role as Mother.  I am the One my children choose.  I alone am able to be the safe place of unconditional love.  I relish this role.  My children choose ME and I choose them.

Is there anything on my to-do list that is bigger than surrendering to this moment of Motherhood?  Not even close. Will it matter if the laundry doesn't get folded until tomorrow or if the roast goes in the oven a half hour later than I planned?  It might matter a little.  And we'll deal with it.

Can you Surrender to Motherhood?  Can you hold a sleeping baby just a little longer?  Can you read aloud a favourite story for the 585th time?  Can you stay up late baking a favourite recipe so that a little one can enjoy a special breakfast?  Can you sing a silly song and laugh your head off just to hear the laugh of a precious one again?

Breathe it in and hold it tight.

It is so fleeting...

When

When a beautiful almost-4-year-old girl cries in my arms for an hour, her knees aching with growing pains and my ears absorbing the siren of her wails, reverberating in my head and making my eyes throb....

When a curious baby who is so busy during the day that he forgets to eat, yet at night he demands much milk to fill his cavernous need for calories, so he nurses and nurses until I swear my nipples will disintegrate....

When a self-confident 7-and-a-half-year-old refuses to wear the fabulous (expensive) leather running shoes she's been given and instead chooses the (cheap) canvas ones that she can't tie but requires that her mother de-tangle the knots and I want to roll my eyes but I don't....

When a growing almost-6-year-old wants pancakes for breakfast and fresh muffins for lunch and pasta with parmesan for supper and I despair of her ever eating anything green or red or orange again and I am convinced that she thinks I'm running a restaurant....

When the father of this operation picks a rainy Sunday afternoon to drive for 5 minutes to run a 5km race in the muddy valley and he's gone for over 4 hours and by the time he comes home sporting a medal for his 18-minute accomplishment I am tired and lonely and feeling anything but congratulatory....

....it is in these moments that I breathe deeply, relax my shoulders and put a smile on my face.  I remind myself that I chose this life, that these 5 people are the reason for my joy, and that these moments are all I have so I might as well love them.

Hey Unschooler! What did you do on the First Day of School?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

I woke up at 8:00.  Julian was asleep on my shoulder so I didn't move.  Then each of the children started to stir and moan and wake up and we wandered out to the kitchen around 8:30.

By 9:00 we were all fed and dressed.  I wanted to go to the Farmer's Market to pick up my CSA order but Anna (7yrs) and Holly (5.5yrs) were busy playing a Littlest Pet Shop game so I filled an hour cleaning the kitchen with Julian (14 months) on my hip.

At 10:00 we went to the Market where we played and admired the beautiful flower gardens for about an hour and a half.

When we got home (around noon), Julian went to sleep and the 3 girls ate lunch and watched an Eye Witness video about lions, tigers and other big cats.  I checked my email.

When Julian woke up, I put him in the highchair to eat some lunch while I made a big pot of spaghetti sauce.  Anna, Holly and Jasmine (3.5yrs) played cooperatively with Dinosaur-themed Playmobil until Jasmine started to make a problem with Holly.  I invited Jasmine to go downstairs to our playroom with me and Julian where we built a construction site with Duplo blocks.

Anna and Holly finished playing and cleaned up their playmobil.  Then I got them a snack and we all went outside to play at about 3:00.

At 5:00 Partner-Guy came home from work.  He and I did a quick 'changing of the guard'--which means that he took over watching Julian while I put a pot of water on the stove to boil for pasta and then changed my clothes to go for a 3.5km run.

The girls were so busy playing a Barbie game when I got back that Partner-Guy and I ate alone with Julian.  When the girls came in to eat at 7:00, I served them while Partner-Guy took Julian to play in the sandbox.

At 7:30 we went for a 1.5km walk. (Some of us rode scooters.  Not me.)

I put Julian to bed when we got back and the girls had a snack.  Then I cleaned up supper while Partner-Guy read the girls a story and brushed their teeth.

They were all asleep at 9:00 at which time I sat down at the computer to write this.

The End.

(I love my life!  Freedom, baby!  It's all FREEDOM!)

Goodbye, Jack Layton

I am moved today to write about why the passing of Jack Layton matters to me.

It is not just that I have voted for him and his political party 4 times in the past 10 years.

What matters to me is that he was a public figure who was SO AUTHENTIC.  I think we rarely see a 'famous' person, let alone a politician, who is so fundamentally WHOLE in himself.



Le Bon Jack



At the State Funeral today, the crowd cheered and stood when Stephen Lewis (in delivering a eulogy) referred to Jack's final letter to Canadians as "A Manifesto for Social Democracy".  It's because Jack's principles are what so many of us want:  a fair distribution of wealth, the protection of Mother Earth, equality for all.  Jack was talking about these principles 30 years ago, long before it was fashionable.

How does a person of such remarkable steadfastness and genuineness come to be?  I don't know.  But I know that Jack Layton was absolutely living his full potential.  I am not.

What is the difference?  What is it that makes some people so adept at living their full potential?  What holds some of us back?  And what is holding me back in particular?  And are we all called upon to make the world a better place?  Are we bound by a duty to humanity to live our lives in fullness, gratitude, joy and hope?

I am left with much to think about this weekend.
And I am grateful that the legacy of Jack Layton will be his inspiration to many people to take up his fight for social democracy.

In case you haven't already read it:

Jack Layton's Letter to Canadians....


Dear Friends,

Tens of thousands of Canadians have written to me in recent weeks to wish me well. I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful, inspiring and often beautiful notes, cards and gifts. Your spirit and love have lit up my home, my spirit, and my determination.

Unfortunately my treatment has not worked out as I hoped. So I am giving this letter to my partner Olivia to share with you in the circumstance in which I cannot continue.

I recommend that Hull-Aylmer MP Nycole Turmel continue her work as our interim leader until a permanent successor is elected.

I recommend the party hold a leadership vote as early as possible in the New Year, on approximately the same timelines as in 2003, so that our new leader has ample time to reconsolidate our team, renew our party and our program, and move forward towards the next election.

A few additional thoughts:

To other Canadians who are on journeys to defeat cancer and to live their lives, I say this: please don’t be discouraged that my own journey hasn’t gone as well as I had hoped. You must not lose your own hope. Treatments and therapies have never been better in the face of this disease. You have every reason to be optimistic, determined, and focused on the future. My only other advice is to cherish every moment with those you love at every stage of your journey, as I have done this summer.

To the members of my party: we’ve done remarkable things together in the past eight years. It has been a privilege to lead the New Democratic Party and I am most grateful for your confidence, your support, and the endless hours of volunteer commitment you have devoted to our cause. There will be those who will try to persuade you to give up our cause. But that cause is much bigger than any one leader. Answer them by recommitting with energy and determination to our work. Remember our proud history of social justice, universal health care, public pensions and making sure no one is left behind. Let’s continue to move forward. Let’s demonstrate in everything we do in the four years before us that we are ready to serve our beloved Canada as its next government.

To the members of our parliamentary caucus: I have been privileged to work with each and every one of you. Our caucus meetings were always the highlight of my week. It has been my role to ask a great deal from you. And now I am going to do so again. Canadians will be closely watching you in the months to come. Colleagues, I know you will make the tens of thousands of members of our party proud of you by demonstrating the same seamless teamwork and solidarity that has earned us the confidence of millions of Canadians in the recent election.

To my fellow Quebecers: On May 2nd, you made an historic decision. You decided that the way to replace Canada’s Conservative federal government with something better was by working together in partnership with progressive-minded Canadians across the country. You made the right decision then; it is still the right decision today; and it will be the right decision right through to the next election, when we will succeed, together. You have elected a superb team of New Democrats to Parliament. They are going to be doing remarkable things in the years to come to make this country better for us all.

To young Canadians: All my life I have worked to make things better. Hope and optimism have defined my political career, and I continue to be hopeful and optimistic about Canada. Young people have been a great source of inspiration for me. I have met and talked with so many of you about your dreams, your frustrations, and your ideas for change. More and more, you are engaging in politics because you want to change things for the better. Many of you have placed your trust in our party. As my time in political life draws to a close I want to share with you my belief in your power to change this country and this world. There are great challenges before you, from the overwhelming nature of climate change to the unfairness of an economy that excludes so many from our collective wealth, and the changes necessary to build a more inclusive and generous Canada. I believe in you. Your energy, your vision, your passion for justice are exactly what this country needs today. You need to be at the heart of our economy, our political life, and our plans for the present and the future.

And finally, to all Canadians: Canada is a great country, one of the hopes of the world. We can be a better one – a country of greater equality, justice, and opportunity. We can build a prosperous economy and a society that shares its benefits more fairly. We can look after our seniors. We can offer better futures for our children. We can do our part to save the world’s environment. We can restore our good name in the world. We can do all of these things because we finally have a party system at the national level where there are real choices; where your vote matters; where working for change can actually bring about change. In the months and years to come, New Democrats will put a compelling new alternative to you. My colleagues in our party are an impressive, committed team. Give them a careful hearing; consider the alternatives; and consider that we can be a better, fairer, more equal country by working together. Don’t let them tell you it can’t be done.

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

All my very best,

Jack Layton



The One Where I Bore You With All My Holiday Photos

I LOVE Quebec.  Really.

So, when my friend Julie (who is the great photographer responsible for the header and profile pictures on my site) invited us to her time-share at a resort in The Laurentians, I knew I would move mountains to get our family there. 

And actually, getting us there was no small feat since we have been unable to go anywhere as a family for the past year.  WHY?  you ask.   Well, we had a Honda Civic, which holds only 3 carseats even though we have 4 children.  So we bought a Mazda5 last weekend and we broke it in by driving 600km to Quebec.

And may I just say that my kids were FABULOUS in the car?  Not a single word of complaint or fighting.  Just.  Totally.  Awesome.  Is it OK that I think my kids are The Best?

Here's our photo essay:

(photo credit:  my friend, Julie)

Summer Milestones

We spent the middle two weeks of July at my father's home in Waterloo, Ontario while he travelled to the province of Newfoundland.  What great adventures we had in Waterloo!  No one wanted to come home and the girls wished that Opa would stay away for another week.

African Lion Safari and Julian's Milestone

My mother took us all on safari!  The weather was fabulous and we stayed all day.

Anna (7 yrs), Holly (5.5 yrs) and Jasmine (3.5yrs) with their favourite animals.

Julian hits a milestone:  his first pony ride!

Julian was quite dapper in his safari shirt!

 Jazzy's Milestone

Jasmine (3.5 yrs) is phenomenally coordinated.  Not only is she an excellent swimmer, but this kid can handle a bicycle like a pro!  We'll be taking off the training wheels by the end of the summer, I imagine.

She can turn corners and go up and down curbs with no difficulty.

 Anna's Milestone

Anna (7 yrs) REALLY wanted to come down the big slide at the public pool we visited, but first she had to pass a swimming test.  Well, she's NEVER participated in any type of assessment before, and I was so nervous for her!  But she passed the test NO PROBLEM (half front crawl, half doggy-paddle).  And she loved the slide!

After she came down the slide, she swam to the edge of the pool so fast that we all laughed and asked her if she thought an alligator was chasing her!

Holly's Milestone
Poor Holly.  She felt pretty left out when we all were so excited for Anna's accomplishment.  But, lucky for her, she had just achieved the required weight to move from a 5-point harness in the car to a booster seat.  YAY HOLLY!  (But sorry, kid.  I didn't take a picture.)

Breastfeeding, Fertility, Conception and Contraception

Note to Some Readers:  This post contains details about me that may make you uncomfortable.

Have I ever mentioned that I am completely over-the-top crazy about pregnancy, birth and newborn babes?  Especially my own?  But I even love babies when they aren't mine!  When I see a woman in her 3rd trimester I start to have heart palpitations.  When I read a really good birth story I weep because I am jealous.  When I am close to a newborn I want to breastfeed it myself!

Yes, it's an addiction.  I probably need professional help.

But actually, until now, I've been able to satisfy my addiction by continually having babies.  Four kids in 84 months is a pretty good way to fill up my yearning for pregnancy, birth and newborns.  Which brings me to a very significant problem:  I've just become fertile again.  We aren't ready for another baby for at least 3.5 years.  And we have no idea what to do about it.

Let me explain.

My first daughter, Anna, was conceived just 9 days after I stopped taking the birth-control pill.  After she was born I was pretty grossed out by how heavy I was, so I went on a serious diet and ended up getting my first period when she was just 4 months old.  Fortunately I was able to achieve amennorhea again (for 6 months) by increasing breastfeeding.  My daughter Holly was conceived the first time I ovulated when Anna was 11 months old.  When Holly was 12 months old I conceived again (without having a period first), but I had a very early miscarriage.  When the bleeding stopped I conceived my daughter Jasmine. 

Jasmine was an amazing nurser and she had some serious food sensitivities so breastmilk was her primary source of nutrition until she was around 18 months old.  At 20 months we got help for her condition and she began to eat more food.  My son Julian was conceived when Jasmine was 21 months.

So as you can see, we are not having any fertility issues.  Actually, we do believe in using birth control:  I obtained a diaphragm from my doctor after Anna was born.  However, I've found from experience that it is not a very good choice for us....mostly because it has lived sight-unseen in the medicine cabinet for the last 7 years.

So now it appears that our Ultra-Fertility is actually a problem.  (I swear I can conceive just by looking at Partner-Guy from across a crowded room.)  We simply can't have another baby right away and my plan to use breastfeeding to prevent conception is apparently not going to work.

And there is actually a really good reason why we can't have another baby right away:  In 3 years Partner-Guy will have a 14-month paid leave-of-absence from his job and we intend to sell our house and spend the year travelling across Canada.  We feel it just wouldn't be fair to our other children if we bring a baby on the trip because the baby will occupy most of my attention.  So we intend to wait until we come back. 

Which brings me to the million-dollar question:
How are we going to prevent conception for the next 3+ years?

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Hot Love in the Summertime

Oh, I love the summer!

And a new reason to love it just hit me yesterday:  SKIN!

Summer provides so many great opportunities to physically connect with my little ones!

• the hot little hand that slides into mine as we walk
• the sweaty baby head that rests on my bare shoulder
• the cold-wet, just-out-of-the-pool little body that throws herself onto my lap
• the soft arms that wrap around my back when I offer a piggy-back ride during a too-long walk
• Julian's cool feet that rest on my bare thigh when I curl up beside him at night
• the swimsuit-clad body that jumps off the edge of the pool into my arms
• Holly's silky hair as I braid it
• the tight little back as I push her higher and higher on the swing
• the dripping daughters who need a big towel after playing in the rain

Isn't it funny how these moments just don't happen the same way when the children are dressed in snowsuits?!

Wordless Wednesday (My First !)

Julian is very serious about his melon.

Yup--still serious!

Holly (5yrs) shows us her tongue.

Anna (7yrs) gets in on it, too.

Now it's Jasmine's turn!  (3 1/2 yrs)

Julian gets glow-y at the front door.

And contemplative in the front yard.

Where you'll find us most afternoons.

Great action shot, eh?!

Can you pick a favourite?

Unschool Today: More Freedom and Joy

First, they ate breakfast outside.

Then, mysteriously, their stuffed animals ended up on the roof of the shed.

Diapers out on the clothesline:  One of my favourite sights of Spring.

Naptime for the little thumb-sucker.

Sprinkler-time for the big sisters.

Doesn't this look like fun?

How cute is THIS BOY?  One-handed gardening!  "Don't worry, Mom.  I got my thumb!"

I Am That Mom

Inspired by MJ at WanderWonderDiscover.

I am not like every mom. 

• I am that mom whose children stay up until 11pm playing Go-Fish with their Granny because sleeping late the next day is one of the fringe benefits of Unschooling.
• I am that mom who lays down with all 4 children to go to sleep every night and who stretches her arm past the baby and the 3-year-old to hold the hand of the 7-year-old.
• I am that mom who dresses the baby in three layers of clothes and packs a bag with apple slices and buttered toast because the three big sisters want to have a picnic outside even though it is only 3 degrees above zero.
• I am that mom who travels to another city to visit a naturopath because he is the only health-care professional she can find who cares about her child's severe eczema.
• I am that mom who bakes bread and muffins and cookies everyday because I will not feed my children chemicals marketed as food.
• I am that mom who apologizes to her children.  Daily.
• I am that mom who gets off the phone or off the computer whenever my children ask me to because being in the moment with them requires me to actually pay attention.




• I am that mom who doesn't allow guests to use adult language or discuss adult subjects in front of her children.
• I am that mom who doesn't make her kids adhere to strict codes of cleanliness because washing your hair or combing your hair or scrubbing behind your ears or cutting your toenails instead of biting them does not have anything to do with growing up to be a kind, patient, authentic human being.
• I am that mom who spent an entire summer rescuing ants off the driveway before Daddy came home in the car because a tender-hearted 4-year-old couldn't bear the thought of any tiny creature being harmed.
• I am that mom who is always surprised when her children say "I love you."
• I am that mom who says "Yes" when her 3-year-old, who self-weaned months ago, asks to nurse again.
• I am that mom who refuses to have ultrasounds because I'd rather find out the truth at the moment of birth than hear a bunch of 'maybes' and spend the joyous months of pregnancy worrying.
• I am that mom who doesn't EVER make her children answer strangers who ask them questions.
• I am that mom who values kindness more than manners and creativity more than success.

What MOM are you?

The Joy of Jasmine

My daughter Jasmine is a sort of magical child.  I've always thought of her as my Angel Baby because she came to us after a miscarriage.  The night she was born was absolutely glorious--like climbing a mountain and finding a pot of gold at the top.  I swear the heavens sang when she was born.  And she didn't cry--she opened her eyes to look at me and then went to sleep.  She awoke to nurse about an hour after her birth.

When Jasmine was a baby I moved from thinking of myself as a stay-at-home-mommy to focusing on being a Professional Mother.  Not a career woman who was also a mother, but a woman whose career was to be a mother.  Jasmine inspired me to be more than I had been.

She still does.

One of the remarkable things about Jasmine is her ability to entertain herself wherever she is.  In January we endured a long wait at a doctor's office and to pass the time Jasmine played for 45 minutes with 2 quarters.  She pretended that they were a mommy and a baby and they were taking a trip up and down the arms and legs of the chairs in the waiting room.  Not a word of complaint from her.  And while I talked to the doctor she played her own little game of hopscotch using the tiles on the floor.  She was happy, authentic, uninhibited.

She also loves to play that she is the mommy and I am the child.  She brings me pretend popsicles and admonishes me about not eating too much junk food.  She takes me outside to play and wants to zipper my coat to make sure I am not cold.  She takes my hand and stops me from crossing the street until she looks for cars.

Another spontaneous game she likes to play is 'Animal Rescuer'.  She comes running up to me outside, "Mom!  Mom!  There's a baby frog that got lost.  We've GOT to save him, Mom!  Come on!"  She's irresistible. 

I haven't really engaged in very much fantasy-play with my daughters until I began to follow Jasmine's lead in the last few months.  It is so easy to play with her and to experience her joy.  I think I want her to be a three-year-old forever.

It's such a cliche to talk about seeing the world through the eyes of a child.  I don't even think that an adult as jaded as I am could ever remotely experience the wonder and innocence of a child except by being led by a child who trusts and loves and engages life the way my 3-year-old Jasmine does.

It's good to have times of falling in love with your child all over again. 

I'm having a Renaissance with Jasmine.  She's amazing.
******************************************************************************
Post Script:  After I finished writing this, I noticed a post from Dionna at Code Name: Mama about how she is struggling to enjoy her son who is 3-years-old and is not his usual joyful self.  I guarantee her Renaissance with her son is just around the corner.

Homemaking Part 4: Time Well Spent

Part of an ongoing series on Homemaking.

There is so much written about Time Management and most of it involves schedules and planning.  We tend not to do very well with schedules.  Our time is free and flowing.  But I do find that accounting for my time each day helps me to see why some of my priorities aren't being accomplished.

I was reading over some of my old posts when I found one where I listed how I spent my days.  In June, 2010 my days looked like this: 

3 hours reading to or otherwise fully engaged with the children
2 hours of housework or gardening or doing jobs like paying bills
2 hours directly supervising or observing the children, but not engaged in an activity with them
2 hours reading (for myself)
2 hours preparing and eating food
1 hour on the computer or on the phone
2 hours caring for the children such as bathing them, dressing them and putting them to bed
1 hour hanging out with Partner-Guy

Aaaah, those were the lazy days of pregnancy.  My how things change with a baby in the house!  These days look more like this:

3 hours directly engaged with Anna, Holly and Jasmine (together or individually)
3 hours directly caring for Julian
2 hours baking and preparing meals
1 hour taking care of myself (showering, getting dressed, eating, reading the daily newspaper)
3 hours housekeeping (cleaning, cleaning up and laundry)
2 hours reading or writing at the computer
1 hour with Partner-Guy

So what has changed?  Mostly it's the time I don't spend with Anna, Holly and Jasmine.  I miss reading to them for long periods everyday--I used to commit to a minimum of 60 minutes per day of reading aloud with them.  And I really miss observing their play--they are such interesting, creative people!  So whereas they used to get 7 hours of active and passive attention, they are now getting about 3 hours. 

I am doing more housework and food preparation these days, too.  In the winter there is always more cleaning and cleaning up to do because we are housebound most of the time.  I have also completely eliminated prepared foods from our grocery list, so I need to spend more time baking bread and muffins, as well as cutting up fruits and vegetables.  Some days I think I do as much food prep as a sous-chef.

Julian really does take up a lot of my time everyday, but as I explained to the girls, they got just as much attention as Julian when they were babies.  Julians' reflux continues to bother him, so he needs to be held a lot and he does not fall asleep easily.  I have learned to multi-task while holding him:  I stand near the counter and read parts of the newspaper that I would otherwise skip over or I stand near the computer to read an article online.  I've also discovered that I can do a lot of cooking with him in the sling.  It is, unfortunately, impossible to read to the girls while I'm holding him.  I've tried.  Many times.  Can't.  Do.  It.

So how do the girls spend their days?

2 hours eating, bathing, dressing, using the bathroom
2 hours watching DVDs
2 hours drawing, colouring, printing
5 hours playing together (Barbies, My Little Ponies, etc.)
1 hour individual play (Playmobil, Barbies, stickering, etc.)
2 hours playing with parents (UNO cards, hide-and-seek, Playmobil, helping in the kitchen)

I'm looking forward to spring when we will be outdoors more.  I have committed myself to taking all the kids to Taylor Creek Park (part of the Don Valley River system) for a nature walk, a picnic or an adventure at least twice per week as soon as the weather warms up and the ground is no longer muddy.  We can access the valley via a steep trail that is only 500m from our home, so hopefully I won't even need a stroller.   In the spring I'm also hoping to find time everyday to exercise.  If I figure that out I'll write about it!

The truth is that everyday is different.  And even though I can roughly account for how my day passes, there are many days when I go to bed thinking "I didn't get ANYTHING accomplished today!"  I try to set daily goals so that I can stay focused.  Today my goals are to bake oatmeal cookies, plant some seeds for indoor germination and vacuum upstairs and downstairs.  The vacuuming is left over from yesterday's goals, but it requires a general PICKING UP first, which can't be done while I'm holding a fussy baby.  So the vacuuming might have to wait another day.

So I set daily goals and also seasonal goals and I keep in mind that everything changes in its own time. The baby will grow, the girls will develop new interests, the weather will cycle.  And we'll keep filling our days with Freedom and Joy.

Unschool Today

By 11:00 this morning we had built and painted a birdhouse.  Really. 

Jasmine found some acrylic paints that the girls had previously used to paint fridge magnets and she was determined that she needed to paint something without delay.  I remembered the little birdhouse kit sitting in the basement and--voila!--we were busy building and painting.

Later we baked cookies together.  Then while Anna and Holly watched Cinderella, Jasmine and Julian and I played outside in the driveway and on the sidewalk. 

Many of our days don't produce results that we can hold in our hands.  Some days involve 4 hours of Barbies.  Some days involve a trip on the transit and we come back exhausted and do nothing but watch Dora the Explorer on DVD.  Some days involve a lot of colouring and drawing and printing and reading.  Some days the kids need my involvement every minute and when suppertime comes there is nothing on the table and house is a disaster.  Other days I hardly see the girls as they are busy and cooperating all day.

Our unschooling days belong to us and as long as keep our purpose, Freedom and Joy, then I have confidence that we are pursuing the right path for us.  And the truth is that my days are not that much different from any other stay-at-home mother of a baby and a three-year-old.  Most mothers bake cookies with their children or offer interesting crafts to their preschoolers.

The only difference is in the way we keep ourselves free of unnecessary scheduling so that the children can really engage in their lives.  We don't have to dash to the school to pick up siblings.  We don't have to jump in the car to get to any lessons.  We even keep visiting to a minimum because we've observed that a lot of interaction with other adults and kids makes our children nervous and irritable.

 I like to say that we have the exclusive rights to our time together every day.

And that's what unschooling is about--claiming (or reclaiming) our lives as our own.  Claiming our relationships with each other.  Claiming our presence.  Claiming our responsibilities.  Claiming our passions.  Claiming our freedom and joy. 

Time for a Snow Culture

Yesterday, amid a frenzy of media reports of an impending snow storm, Chris Spence, the Director of Education for the Toronto District School Board, closed the schools.  It was Toronto's first Snow Day since 1999.

The uproar was immediate.  Parents, confused and furious, flooded his office with phone calls.  He was there, fielding phone calls and reporters, his two children (aged 9 and 11) beside him.

Responding to critics he said:

It's like anything else.  You are damned if you do, and damned if you don't, so you might as well hang on to what you believe in.

Student and staff safety trump everything!  To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing and be nothing.
Source:  The Toronto Star

That parents were angry about having to keep their children home or find alternative care for them proves two things.

1.  It's Time for a Snow Culture
Weather happens.  Parents know it, school boards know it and employers know it.  If children stay home because of school closures many parents face hard decisions.  Take the day off and lose a day's pay?  Use up a sick day or a vacation day?  Leave the children with someone who you maybe don't completely trust?  Take the kids to work with you?  Work from home?

Everyone's options are different.  So maybe the government needs to step in here.  Maybe the government needs to set a standard about what will constitute a Snow Day (factoring in wind speed, temperature and snow accumulation) and declare that all employers must provide for two paid snow days per winter if necessary.  Yes, there are some essential services, but maybe hospitals and transportation providers and other services could create a reasonable contingency plan.  It could work, with a little planning and compromise.

The critics would say What about the effect on the economy?  Well, what about the effect on the economy of people trying to carry on as usual in spite of the weather?  A couple of years ago a woman was travelling the 401 with her children during a heavy snowfall, trying to get to work and school.  She stopped under an overpass to clear the snow off her vehicle and was struck and killed by a snowplow as her children watched in horror.  I would venture to say that her family doesn't give a damn about the effect on the economy.

If we as a society believe that safety matters more than money then it is time for us to act like it.  Loss of potential revenue is unimportant compared to loss of life.  It's time to recognize our limitations.  Business leaders and government need to say that it's OK for staff to stay home when the weather is dangerous.

2.  Schools Really are all about Babysitting
All the parents who were angry about the school closures yesterday had a single complaint:  What are we supposed to do with our children?  D'uh.....how about spend the day with them?  Were all the whining parents scheduled to perform open heart surgery yesterday?  How important to their jobs do they really think they are?

I get it that some parents would lose income by not working yesterday.  And some parents work in situations were it would be inappropriate to bring their children along, but the majority of parents can probably use a sick day or a vacation day and stay home.  If that is the case, then it really just comes down to a question of selfishness, doesn't it?  You'd rather save those days for when you want them rather than spontaneously take a day to spend with your children.

Primarily, parents need school for babysitting so that they can go to work.  The fact that parents are unable to figure out alternatives to school on a Wednesday sort of proves this.  In fact, this inability to solve the 'child-care problem' is exactly what school is all about.  School teaches people not to think for themselves, to follow along with what everyone else is doing, to keep a strict routine and never deviate from it.  Going to school makes both children and adults into helpless marionettes controlled by the economics of modern culture. 

It is the people who didn't conform to the status quo who weren't scrambling for child-care yesterday:  families with a stay-at-home parent, self-employed parents, multi-generational families under one roof, unjobbers and entrepreneurs.    And yes, some parents dropped the kids off to Grandma or had the nanny show up as usual yesterday.  But parents don't have to be rich (or lucky) to have alternatives to sending kids to school and daycares.  They just have to be creative and pro-child, two things a school can never be.

If Chris Spence were to read this post I would want him to know that I totally respect his decision to close the schoosl yesterday.  But I would also want to him to know that there is nothing he could do to get me to enroll my kids in one of his schools.  For us, everyday is a snow day.

Aargh! I Have No Time for the Computer

No time! No time!

Funny how life in a house with 4 small children prevents me from finding an hour or more every day to sit down at the computer. And in the evenings, after they are all asleep, I don't really feel like it anymore. Pretty hard to make any headway on my goal of refining my writing and being published someday. Oh well. The kids won't be small forever.

But I compose articles in my head while I'm feeding Julian or lying down with him to go to sleep. And I am keeping up with reading as much as I want. And I have lots and lots of pictures on the camera just waiting to be shared.

So here are just a few:

We recently attended a Winter Party put on by the Teacher's Union for members and their families. It was in the Better Living Building at Exhibition Place. The girls enjoyed some carnival rides and then we went skating at the Ricoh Coleseum.

Can you see from these photos how HUGE Julian is? He weighs 21 pounds at 4 and 3/4 months. By contrast, Jasmine weighs 29 pounds at 2 and 10/12 years. At this rate, he's going to outweigh her before he's a year old.


Hopefully I'll get time to review some great books soon and write about the happenings as we continue to pursue our goal of living in freedom and joy.

Tears

Yesterday I was nursing Julian while laying on the bed when he finished and pulled away and looked up at me. I gazed into his big blue eyes, grinned and asked, "Are you all finished?" Suddenly his little face broke into the biggest ear-to-ear smile, complete with double dimples. And just as suddenly I was choked with a sob and tears were filling my eyes. That first smile made me cry! It's the one that says "Thanks for the yummy milk, mamma. And thanks for holding me when I cry. And thanks for changing my diaper three or four times every night. And thanks for cuddling me and giving me lots of kisses and for rubbing my back when I need to burp. Yeah thanks, mamma, you're the best."


Rarely have I cried over something my children have done or said. In fact, it has been so rarely that I can probably remember each incident.



There was January 8, 2009. It was Jasmine's first birthday and I had taken all the kids to Sears for a portrait. When I came back home Jasmine was asleep in her carseat so I reached into the back to unbuckle Anna and Holly, then I opened their car door and went up to the house to unlock the door, leaving them to get out by themselves. Unpredictably, Anna climbed into the front seat and knocked down the parking brake, causing the car to roll back down the driveway and toward the street. I was behind the car as it started to roll and dashed to the driver's door, hoping to jump in and grab the brake. I managed to open the door but by then the car was moving quickly and I unable to get inside. I held the door and it bent back 180 degrees. I yelled to Holly not to move (she had been about to step out of the car) and then I watched helplessly as my car rolled into the street and across to the opposite sidewalk with my three children inside.

It just so happens that it was garbage day on my street and the garbage trucks roar up and down the street all day long. But as my car cleared the driveway and shot onto the road, the street was clear of all vehicles. In fact, I had an amazing sense of calm and I knew everything would be OK. My car came to rest on the garbage bins of my neighbour across the street. I ran to the house to grab my keys which were dangling from the lock in the front door and ran back to the car. Holly and Anna sat back in their carseats and I drove the car back up our driveway and securely pulled the parking brake. I took all 3 girls into the house, settled everyone into a snack and tried to phone Partner-Guy at work.

Then I cried. As I tried to describe to him what had happened and that the driver's door was demolished, I became aware of what a bad accident could have occurred and I was overwhelmed. He was completely unconcerned about the car and only concerned about what could have happened to the girls. No blame, either. He's a good guy.


There was the first day of school in September 2007. I had returned to work, 5 months pregnant with Jasmine, and Partner-Guy was at home with Anna and Holly on a 4-month leave of absence. That morning I sat at my teacher-desk at 8:30am, just moments before I had to go meet my class, and I fought back tears. Another teacher stopped by my room to see if I was ready to go out to meet the kids and at that moment I lost it, sobbing "I wish I were at home with my own kids." I thought I was making a huge mistake by being at work. I still haven't decided whether or not it was worth it. Yes, going back to work enabled me to collect Employment Insurance after Jasmine was born. But was the money worth it, when I consider the damage that it did to my relationship with Anna and Holly? I guess not. I think my tears that day were justified.

There was the night I put Anna to bed wearing pyjamas that had belonged to my sister Julia who died in 1974. Imagine my daughter asleep in my arms in the pyjamas of my mother's daughter who she would never cuddle and kiss and put to bed again. I sobbed long that night. I wept for a sister I never knew and for a mother whose pain I could never endure and for my own daughter who I would protect with all I had. I wept for lost possibilities and for heartache that can't be erased. I wept for a part of me that was buried in 1974.

I don't cry much.

I cried in April when my mother phoned to tell me that my grandfather had died. But I wasn't crying about him. I was crying about how I would not be able to attend the funeral because my heart can't handle the hurt of being in the same location as my brothers who have vilified me and want nothing to do with me.

And I cried in August 2009 when my brother moved from Toronto to London. He had lived in Toronto, not more than a few miles from me, for more than 2 years and I had not seen him. I cried because I had to give up the hope that everytime I saw a tall guy walking up my street that it might be him, spontaneously coming to visit me and meet my children.

I didn't cry when my parents separated. I didn't cry when Anna, Holly or Julian were born. (I did cry when Jasmine was born, but it was more of a spontaneous hormonal reaction, rather than crying for joy.) I didn't cry when my doctor found a lump in my breast last year and sent me for a biopsy. I didn't cry when I found out I was pregnant with Julian, even though it was a huge and wonderful surprise.

I think I have a lot to learn about crying. I think it's OK for my children to see me crying sometimes. It's important for them to see the many emotions I am capable of feeling. It's important for them to see how I handle difficult circumstances and joyful events. It's important for them to see that I am vulnerable and I hurt sometimes.

I have a lot to learn about crying.