Part 1
One night I had a dream that Partner-Guy and I were in some huge underground caves with our 3 daughters. I think maybe we were on vacation. He was carrying two of the girls and I was dragging a huge suitcase and carrying a bag and calling to the other girl to stay with me. Suddenly a wave came into the cave and carried away my daughter. I stood there, holding the suitcase, while I watched the wave carry her further and further away. Eventually the wave receded and I could see her on the floor of the cave, far away. I called to Partner-Guy to go check on her while I proceeded out of the cave with the suitcase.
And then I woke up and had a little cry because I couldn't believe my brain would have me act like!
Part 2
This is not a dream.
Last summer we were at an amusement park. My three daughters were on a ride with their teenage cousin while I watched from the ground, a short distance away. I noticed that one of my girls was leaning somewhat dangerously on the safety harness of the car that they were in. I felt my heart rate increase and my mouth became dry. I started to run toward the operator of the ride to tell him to stop the ride. As I got closer I saw that it was NOT the daughter that I had originally thought was going to fall out. I relaxed immediately and did not intervene.
And then I went behind a tree and had a little cry because I couldn't believe I had just reacted that way.
Part 3
My children behave like children.
One of my daughters is extremely prone to screaming. About almost anything. Regularly. Many, many times per day.
One of my daughters talks non-stop. She tells everyone around her to stop talking so that she can talk. She does this throughout the day. But not ALL day. Only whenever someone else is trying to talk.
One of my daughters says 'No' to me about everything. Would you like spaghetti for supper? NO. Would you like me to help you comb your hair? NO. Did you enjoy your bike ride with Daddy? NO.
Sometimes, it's all just too much for me. Sometime I say, "Mommy is feeling a little overwhelmed just now. I need to be away from all of you for a few minutes so that when I come back I don't feel like a mean person anymore."
And sometimes I don't say anything and I just walk away because if I do talk, it won't be very nice. And in that moment one little daughter is the recipient of my tantrum of silence. It doesn't even matter what the trigger was--I've had to walk away from each of them at different times.
You know what? This isn't always easy.
I struggle.
I replay and believe the old recordings of negative self-talk that tell me how I never do anything right.
I give in to the old habits of lecturing and arguing.
I forget to listen and validate and empower.
I forget to take care of myself and practice some self-love so that I can recharge and have more of my best self for my children.
I get tired and hungry and hot.
I'm not making excuses.
I know my weaknesses and my triggers.
What matters is not that I totally blow it sometimes. What matters is how I strive to do better next time.
And I am STRIVING.
I'm doing The Work of Byron Katie.
I'm re-reading my favourite parenting book.
I'm resting and meditating and going to yoga.
I'm starting to keep a hand-written journal.
I'm practising gratitude.
Do you ever feel like you aren't meeting your own standards in parenting? How do you overcome your self-doubt?
To answer your questions: YES! I think what's important is to be aware of ourselves and our triggers and keep striving to do our best :-) HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI don't suspect you're a terrible mother simply because you're trying. I'm sure you probably know many parents, as I do, who believe essentially that children can be fit in around their schedule and do not wish to spend more time than necessary around "the little brats".
ReplyDeleteI think everyone who cares (let's label ourselves "good parents") goes through this now and again. I feel this fairly regularly, as I do about my relationships with other adults, situations at work, at church...pretty much all areas of my life. (I also lean more on the depressive side of things much of the time.) Sometimes looking at myself on a relative scale like in the first paragraph helps; other days my self-loathing is only surpassed by my misanthropy, and that doesn't help at all. Those days, I just have to remember that no one is perfect. Everyone has regrets, and makes mistakes. What matters is what you do about them.
So, what I do is basically what you've said you've already done: try to get to the root of the problem, and try harder to not let it happen again. The feelings sometimes linger for a while, but they always pass. (They also always come back; haven't figured out a way to keep them away completely.) Since you wrote this yesterday, I hope you're already starting to feel better :)
Patti, I love this post. It was so refreshing on a day that included less patience and more raised-voices than I want. I value your honesty and insight. -Kerry
ReplyDeleteI know you probably know this, but I want to say it anyway... You're not a terrible mother.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this. Some days are harder than others. I stay home with my 11month old daughter and my husband is away Monday thru Thursday every week. On a tough week, by the end of the day on Wednesday, I can tell when she needs a break from me. I'm tired too so I start doubting if I can keep doing this (being by myself with her half of the week).
I've been delaying something that is making all this harder. Accepting that I need help. It's just hard for me to even say it out loud... babysitter... I just don't feel like I need it. But I think I do. To do what you said, take care of myself to then come back as my best for my daughter.
Thanks again for posting this.
Thanks for writing this. I love how you can put into words how I am feeling and thinking about things sometimes. Yes there are things I could do and act differently in regards to my daughter, but I think the main thing I need to change is being so hard on myself about it. A friend of mine commented on how impressed she is by how much I do every day and it was a great validation for myself that I am doing the most with my situation in life. We all need to remember that we are not terrible mothers!!
ReplyDeleteTough times! It still sounds like you're handling everything like a champ. I can't imagine trying to juggle 3 daughters. In my opinion, it's the STRIVING that really matters. It sounds like you are striving in very healthy, effective ways. Be patient with yourself!
ReplyDeleteSome days I totally fall short of where I want to be as a mother. The one thing that has helped me the most was when I decided (and yes, it's a conscious decision that I make over and over again) that I won't let myself feel guilty about my mothering shortfalls. I used to get really hung up on it, and it just seemed to make it harder to make changes. Letting go of that guilt allows me to forgive myself so I can move forward and behave how I really want to. Yes, I still backslide (we all have triggers), but the bounce back is faster and less painful each time.
Also, I think that it's OK for our kids to see us triggered sometimes. The way we recover, the way we approach our mistakes, and the way we change are all powerful lessons for them. Striving to overcome, even when it doesn't always work, shows our kids how strong we are -- and how strong they can be.
I have to admit I'm a little weepy as I type this comment because I have days like this. I have feelings that I'm probably a terrible mother. They trigger my thought patterns leftover from PPD (and other baggage)so I don't let it go well.
ReplyDeleteI am coming to realize that "good" parenting is not the perfectly patient parent. It's the parent, like the one you describe. The one who has feelings and knows that that's okay. The one who chooses not to act out on them whenever possible. The one who is constantly striving to do and be her best-person and parent.
Guess what? You're probably a terrific mother
I have to admit I'm a little weepy as I type this comment because I have days like this. I have feelings that I'm probably a terrible mother. They trigger my thought patterns leftover from PPD (and other baggage)so I don't let it go well.
ReplyDeleteI am coming to realize that "good" parenting is not the perfectly patient parent. It's the parent, like the one you describe. The one who has feelings and knows that that's okay. The one who chooses not to act out on them whenever possible. The one who is constantly striving to do and be her best-person and parent.
Guess what? You're probably a terrific mother